i don't know how much i weight. scale battery is low. and i've been bingeing - cause that's logical. and i haven't known when my roommate was going to be home so i couldn't purge.

i think roomie knows about the purging. i'm friends with her best friend and we talked last night. best friend and i. we'd talked about eating in the past like 4 yers ago as though the eating issues were in the past. but she asked me about it as though it weren't. and i said that i was "just fine". struggling to keep eating when stressed, but not throwing up. don't think she believed me, but whatever. drama.

seri has been on my mind lately. i like him. a lot. and roomie says she thinks he likes me a lot but can't commit right now. i still don't get it but have decided not to try. and also not to stress about whether he likes me just as much and just live in the moment. so moment-living has begun. i love hard and deep. even if it's just for a little while. and although i don't love him like that. i'm passionate about him. i want every single part of him. all the time. i want to touch every single part of his being and match it up with a part of me. and just leave that impression on him for a while. and i can do that when we're together. i can feel him. the real him. when we are together and it's great. not amazing like love is, but as great as it can be right now. we have this chemistry that just works. and though i'm scared that i'm romanticizing it and getting myself all worked up. for the moments that we are together i can open up and let him in a little more than i was doing. and when it's time to shut off, i'll just have to make that decision and deal with the consequences then. i can't go through life wondering about being hurt right?

everyone keeps saying that i've lost weight (at work). but i haven't and it sucks. maybe it's inches and i just can't tell. i don't know. clothes are a little looser but i don't know if that's weight or stretched out jeans and shirts. speculation sucks.

and i was told the other day *again* that i have things together. why do people do that? they think it's a compliment, but really, it makes me want to die. i can't top that. there's no where for me to go with that, but down. oh well, i need to learn to let things slide off of my back. but it's so hard.

anyways - i think that's all i've got right now. hope all is well with everyone.