i've been invited to a going away party for one of seri's friends, by one of my friends that works with seri. she doesn't know about me and seri - so i don't think it's a setup. but i'm debating on whether or not i should go. i'm finally fine with him. i can be around him (when necessary) without being all worked up or longing for him, etc. FINALLY. but i don't know if he's bringing his fiance or not. so that throws a wrench in my plans. i would go even if she was there and be fine. but i don't know if he's told her anything about me. i would assume not, but then again, i've assumed alot of things about him and they've turned out not to be so good. so that's my weekend dilemma. i'm thinking that i'm not going to go. that's the strongest instinct that i have and so i should probably follow it right?

so i think i told y'all that i was taking bellydancing and i love it. well i still love it. and not just "love it", but LOVE it. so now i'm going to Samba lessons too. and that i just love. it's not my favorite just because i have the body issues and don't think i'm sexy. i'm getting there though. i can do all of the moves except one. i just need to get comfortable with myself and get my sexy on. at bellydance, i've been told i'm a natural, which of course makes me feel great. but at the same time makes me put pressure on myself to be the best at it. and if i don't do it perfectly, i can get kind of OCD about it. but it's been a good thing for me.

i haven't thrown up in almost a month either - i think it's going on about 3 weeks. thank goodness. so i'm holding steady with that. i need to start running again so i can tone up and just feel better about myself. i've been trying to keep busy so that i can keep my mind and body occupied. that way i won't even have time to think about throwing up because i'll be so tired from running around or on my way somewhere so i can't do it. that's the plan right now. so far it's been working. i haven't lost any weight but i feel better. so it's working as far as i'm concerned.

other than that, not much else has been going on really. i've had my eye on the DHL man that picks up deliveries at my job every night. so i don't mind staying too late after work because i get to see him if i time it right. a little eye candy never hurt right? if i could just get past myself - i might actually ask him out at some point. we'll see.

I know i'm not a man, but i LOVE the picture of the man covering his face. So cute and flirty.

let's see how life is...
work...is work. i like it for the most part. but every now and then it throws me a curve ball. a woman was fired in an adjacent department and now my coworker is applying for that job. it's hard to think of her leaving but i think this will be a great move for her. i think her career will advance really quickly and she'll get to where she wants to be sooner than she originally thought. and the best thing is that this opportunity comes at a great time becasue her mom had to have a surgery that sent her into early retirement. so now if A gets this job, then she'll be able to afford to send money home to her mom and things won't be so tough on her. so anyways, i said all that to say that i hope she gets it, even though it's going to be weird not working with her.

life...is going well. i'm taking a dancing class - bellydance that is. it's great and i love it. apparently i'm really good at it too. who knew that the girl that hates her body would be good at such a physical activity? well i am. so i'm thinking i'll be doing this for a while now. a friend and i are starting samba lessons tomorrow too. i'm soooo excited. i love dancing so i'm thinking that this will be my new way of working out. money permitting, i'm going to be doing this for a long time.

seri...he's fine. there's flirting and what not, but nothing's going on anymore. so that's good. i can see clearly that he treated me like a whore and really, i let him. so i need to correct that mentality for the next "relationship" or whatever i get myself into. a part of me is still so attached to him too though which is annoying. but i think it's because he "beat" me and i feel like i can't let him "win". stupid i know, but you know how that goes.

eating...it's fine. i haven't thrown up for about 2 weeks now - maybe 3. the time before last that i threw up, i busted a ton of blood vessels in my face and it looked like some weird red speckly rash. so that's what i told people it was. i also couldn't really breathe either. i was having an allergic reaction to something that i threw up and my throat was swollen. it was good times. i had to take benadryl for about a week to counteract the allergic reaction and just wait for the "rash" to go away. you'd think that would keep me from throwing up again, but i gave in the other day. i hate that i did. but i really don't think about it much anymore. so that's good. i feel like i'm getting better. and that's part of the reason that i love dance because it's taking my mind off of being "so fat". you'd think that it would make things worse but bellydancers are supposed to have a little cushion for the pushing. also, i'm down about 10 pounds naturally (the throwing up has never helped me lose weight) so that helps things too.

i think that's about it right now. i'm just working on making myself busy, making my apartment that i've been in for about 4 months comfortable and inviting for people to come over and hang out - which it seems like i've done because people are always asking to come over. i don't get it but i love it. i've been working on getting back into school for my degree. so that's something good that's been keeping my mind occupied and keeping me focused on getting better.

so that's what i've been up to. hope everyone's good. i still want to be thin but not trying quite so hard to do it the unhealthy way. :-)

just got back from florida on Sunday. i LOVE it there. it's hot as hell down there with no rain, but it was soooo great. one of my best friends from college lives there so i went down for her birthday. so fun. this is the last year that she will be able to do what she wants as she is "with child" and she's due at the end of January. i can't believe she's going to be a mommy. it's so weird when your friends have their first kid. i'm so excited for her. they're going to be great parents.

so while i was there, we went to the beach (you have to), shopping, had a game night with her extended family and just kind of chilled. usually, she has 50 milion things she wants me to do with her, but this time we just relaxed and hung out. i loved it. and actually got a little teary eyed when i had to leave.

so that was good - i got some sun and cleared my mind a little. i needed that vacation. i was getting too caught up in myself here. and also being in miami and ft. lauderdale reminds me that i'm a normal girl, i weigh a normal amount and i'm just...normal. i could definitely have a worse life than i have. i complain alot (to myself) that i'm just not where i need to be financially, emotionally, etc. but really, i'm doing ok.

best moment from the beach: jenny and i are sitting on these beach chairs soaking up the sun and watching all of the people around us. we found this one little girl particularly interesting as she was trying to build sandcastles at the water's edge while the rest of her family was in the water playing and swimming. well, you could tell she was getting really frustrated about her sandcastle making as they just weren't standing up or when she'd lift the pail, the sand would tumble out into a shapeless mound. jenny and i were just on the verge of going over and giving her some pointers when she started digging this deep hole to get wetter sand. we were enthralled in this whole process for about a good 20 minutes. eventually, the girl gets wet enough sand, makes the perfect sandcastle and moves along to play with her family. about 5 minutes after she's abandoned her castle project, two guys around 20ish come walking by. they just reak of alcohol and bad attitudes. just as they really get their "i'm way too cool for this" stride, the biggest tool of them steps into the hole that the little girl dug. seriously, the funniest thing i've seen in a long time. he didn't fall completely, but enough that he had to brace himself with his hand (the one without the beer) and his friend had to jump out of the way. his friend, jenny and i had the best laugh about it. he kind of grinned it off and moved along. as his friend was laughing, he stopped close enough to us to hear us say, "we probably should have given them some kind of warning. i mean, she just dug it about 15 minutes ago..." the friend laughed a little harder, the guy that fell was not quite as amused. but we had a good solid laugh about it.

so funny. i think you had to be there...