there's so much going on here lately. but the biggest thing i've been thinking about is sex and companionship. it's going to sound shallow since i've already talked most of this out. but i've been thinking lately about sex and having an eating disorder. well, i love having sex but it's never been the "great" thing that people have told me about. part of it is that my mind is always on something else. i've been reading wasted by marya hornbacher and she said that for her sex was all about the power of seduction. getting men into bed. making them love you, having sex with them, and then leaving them. i think that's part of my issue too. i've never felt completely and utterly loved. you know when you're in the beginning of a relationship and you feel like there's nothing this person could do to make you stop loveing them? i've never felt loved like that. in fact, my dad used to tell me that if i wasn't (insert annoying behavior here) then i could have anything i wanted from him. or he'd say he loved me even though i was a liar, thief, etc. things that all kids do from time to time and then you learn that they are not you, but are things you do and things that should not be done. i never learned to separate my actions from who i was and how much i was loved. so i think my "seduction" of men is more of a way for me to feel wanted and accepted. not so much loved (i'm not completely asinine). to feel that connection with someone for just a few minutes or hour feels like heaven and then there's the pain of coming back down into myself and noticing that i am now closer to rock bottom than i'd been before. i don't know. it's like having sex let's me release the pain that i'm feeling and all of the bullshit that's constantly going through my mind. then when it's all over i realize that i just gave a piece of myself away and i feel a little less than i did before. it's a blessing and curse in one. everyday i long to feel a little less than the day before. and everyday i feel like i feel too much. i feel too needy. too desperate. i think that's my problem with seri. he caught me at the worst time in my life. so much going on that i was emotionally raw and just desperate to connect and shut it down. i'm mostly glad that i haven't slept with him because my desperation might seep through my skin and smother him. and i don't want to pull anyone into this crazy life that i have.
i was talking to some friends about seri the other night and they said that i deserve better. a small part of me believes that. and that's the part of me that i recite to everyone that asks me about it. but the part of me that controls my actions and my heart says - you deserve worse because you're less than shit. what do you do with that? i don't know what to do with it. i don't know how to shut it off. i don't know how to feel ok when i wake up in the morning. i don't know how to think i'm pretty when i look in the mirror. i don't know how not to step on the scale every time i use the bathroom and a couple of times in between. funny thing is, i can't even make this work. people say i'm losing weight, but really, i weigh the same that i did last week and the week before. it's good times.
anyways - all that to say i was thinking about this connection of sex and emotion and eating and how i use sex to have that connection with people that i don't get on a regular basis because i suck. i'm stupid. so i was thinking - i'm not thinking completely clearly right now - thinking about the work i still have left to do - so i'm going to go now and write more on this later.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
New Year's was fun. We went to a bar where Irish, English, and Australian guys hang out. Always fun. They kept playing the same 5 songs over and over again - Johnny Cash and Marvin Gaye are the only ones i remember at this point. i do remember saying,"I love this song!" every time "Let's Get It On" came on. so fun. no new year's kiss, but good talks about boys with the roommate.
we talked about why seri and i aren't together and why it would be complicated (kid and living with the ex). and i think she was trying to make me feel better about the whole thing, but i don't think she's telling me the truth. i think (and i heard a radio program about it) that the way he treats me is what he wants from me. i was confused before and still am sometimes, but a little clearer than before - i find clarity comes in spurts for me. so what i'm thinking right now is that he just wants a booty call but doesn't want to risk telling me that for some reason. now that i type that, i feel stupid. my roomie told me that she thinks that he likes me but he feels like he can't be in a relationship right now becuase of the kid and him and his ex being on-again, off-again. i don't know. i think that's the girl rationale and not necessarily the truth. it throws me off that he talks to me at my cube still - about nothing i might add - but then calls me at 2 expecting to come over and sleep with me. when we started this thing, i just wanted to sleep with him and move on. but then somehow i was told that i was emotionally unavailable and i let him in. now i'm in "i like you" purgatory which is worse to me than just liking each other and not being able to make it work. because i have no ties to him at all. if he talks to someone else or gets someone's number or something, i don't have the right to say anything to him about it. that sucks on a regular basis. so roomie thinks that he's showing me he likes me by coming by the cube while i'm at work, but keeping his distance. i think i'm being stupid. i called him on new year's. he didn't answer. but he did come by my cube on the 2nd when we got back to work. if he really liked me, wouldn't he have called me on the 1st? or texted or something? i don't know. i don't feel like he really likes me. just wants to sleep with me and move it along. so i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know what i should do.
last night, i ended up purging some buffalo chicken nuggets. my face was soooo swollen. more swollen than it's ever been. my saliva glands were swollen too, but i've dealt with that before. so i've been looking it up today on the internet to see if there's something that i can do for it. i just put water on my face. that's why i never purge in public. my face swells and takes forever to come down (unless i've been drinking). so i don't know what to do about that. every site i've been to says that it's a symptom of bulimia, but doesn't say if it's a mineral deficiency or whatever. while looking on different sites I came across one that had the play Dying to be Thin and one section really spoke to me.
“I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know…I mean…is this me? This me that’s talking to you right now? I would never do that. I mean – I’m sane – intelligent…and I have this great life… and I would never waste my time doing that. It seems like this other thing possesses me, out of the blue – and I end up doing it – and this me (the sane, intelligent one) gets smaller and smaller until it almost goes away. But it never actually does. There’s always a little part of it left, right back here. And if I look at the world outside, it’s like there’s this thick glass or haze separating me from it. Or if I look at people around me, they seem really really far off, like in another space. And while I eat, this tiny part of me watches, and sometimes tries to make me stop, but it’s way too small so I just block it out. That way I can finish eating and throw up. Throwing up is the only route back to this me.”
that's how i feel after every purge. that this me that's sane and intelligent just goes right out the window. she's replaced immediately after eating with this irrational, panicked me that needs to not gain weight. and after i eat i get bigger and bigger and bigger. irrationally huge. that is, until i get rid of it. then i feel more normal. but a little less normal each time. that sane, intelligent part of me shrinks a little more with each purge. exercise is the last thing that i can be addicted to. that's why i try not to give in. after i give in to that, there's no coming back. what if i get addicted and get to the point where people see me and thiink i have an eating disorder. i don't want to be that person.
we talked about why seri and i aren't together and why it would be complicated (kid and living with the ex). and i think she was trying to make me feel better about the whole thing, but i don't think she's telling me the truth. i think (and i heard a radio program about it) that the way he treats me is what he wants from me. i was confused before and still am sometimes, but a little clearer than before - i find clarity comes in spurts for me. so what i'm thinking right now is that he just wants a booty call but doesn't want to risk telling me that for some reason. now that i type that, i feel stupid. my roomie told me that she thinks that he likes me but he feels like he can't be in a relationship right now becuase of the kid and him and his ex being on-again, off-again. i don't know. i think that's the girl rationale and not necessarily the truth. it throws me off that he talks to me at my cube still - about nothing i might add - but then calls me at 2 expecting to come over and sleep with me. when we started this thing, i just wanted to sleep with him and move on. but then somehow i was told that i was emotionally unavailable and i let him in. now i'm in "i like you" purgatory which is worse to me than just liking each other and not being able to make it work. because i have no ties to him at all. if he talks to someone else or gets someone's number or something, i don't have the right to say anything to him about it. that sucks on a regular basis. so roomie thinks that he's showing me he likes me by coming by the cube while i'm at work, but keeping his distance. i think i'm being stupid. i called him on new year's. he didn't answer. but he did come by my cube on the 2nd when we got back to work. if he really liked me, wouldn't he have called me on the 1st? or texted or something? i don't know. i don't feel like he really likes me. just wants to sleep with me and move it along. so i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know what i should do.
last night, i ended up purging some buffalo chicken nuggets. my face was soooo swollen. more swollen than it's ever been. my saliva glands were swollen too, but i've dealt with that before. so i've been looking it up today on the internet to see if there's something that i can do for it. i just put water on my face. that's why i never purge in public. my face swells and takes forever to come down (unless i've been drinking). so i don't know what to do about that. every site i've been to says that it's a symptom of bulimia, but doesn't say if it's a mineral deficiency or whatever. while looking on different sites I came across one that had the play Dying to be Thin and one section really spoke to me.
“I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know…I mean…is this me? This me that’s talking to you right now? I would never do that. I mean – I’m sane – intelligent…and I have this great life… and I would never waste my time doing that. It seems like this other thing possesses me, out of the blue – and I end up doing it – and this me (the sane, intelligent one) gets smaller and smaller until it almost goes away. But it never actually does. There’s always a little part of it left, right back here. And if I look at the world outside, it’s like there’s this thick glass or haze separating me from it. Or if I look at people around me, they seem really really far off, like in another space. And while I eat, this tiny part of me watches, and sometimes tries to make me stop, but it’s way too small so I just block it out. That way I can finish eating and throw up. Throwing up is the only route back to this me.”
that's how i feel after every purge. that this me that's sane and intelligent just goes right out the window. she's replaced immediately after eating with this irrational, panicked me that needs to not gain weight. and after i eat i get bigger and bigger and bigger. irrationally huge. that is, until i get rid of it. then i feel more normal. but a little less normal each time. that sane, intelligent part of me shrinks a little more with each purge. exercise is the last thing that i can be addicted to. that's why i try not to give in. after i give in to that, there's no coming back. what if i get addicted and get to the point where people see me and thiink i have an eating disorder. i don't want to be that person.
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