so i went to the party. wore a fab tube top (true green color from old navy), bcbg heels, and some bogari jeans. i was hot - which seri told me repeatedly. but i'm getting ahead of myself now. i got to the club with my friend about 1130 and seri had been there since 10. so when i finally talked to him, he was a little trashed - and by "trashed" i mean, completely trashed...

so i walk in and his friend says he's going to take me over to him but i think he saw what was happening and tried to distract me with a drink. but being the independent woman i am, i thought i'd buy my own drink. so i did. and while i was at the bar - i saw Seri on the other side of the bar making out with some girl. my girl was like "oh no he didn't. " but i was one step ahead of her. i got our drinks and moved right on over to the other side of the bar, tapped him on the shoulder, and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" i don't think he thought i was going to be there (even though i said i was) so the look on his face was priceless. i went to give him a hug and pushed me back a little to get a good look at the outfit (there was a keyhole in the tube top to show some cleavage cause i know he likes that) and then gave me groping hug telling me how hot he thought i looked. the girl he'd been making out with was eying me the whole time - but whatever. i didn't have anything against her personally - i was just pissed at him. anyways - i hugged him and forced him to let go of my hand and went to dance with my friend.

later on, my friend and i went back to the bar to get a shot of Patron and i got another drink - and i didn't notice that he was over beside me at all. i was actually having a great time. then he grabs me and tells me that he thinks i'm hot (again - i sound annoyed but i enjoyed it) and we danced a little. he never dances unless he's gone - and so that was a big clue to me. once again, homegirl is standing to the side waiting for him and looking at me. so i danced with him enough to get him worked up over me a little and then moved it on to the dancefloor.

last call - i went to tell everybody from work bye and said bye to Seri who was looking a mess at this point. i kissed him on the cheek and told him happy birthday again. he said that he didn't want me to leave. that he wanted to come home with me. i told him that he could come to my apt and sleep on the couch but that was it. then he suggested that i go with him to his friend's house. i told him and his friend no and tried to move towards the door. he grabs my hand and tells me again that i look hot, hugs me, and asks again if he can come over to which i whisper in his ear:
me: you knew i was coming tonight right?
him: yeah
me: you knew that i was coming to see you right?
him: yeah
me: so for you to have that girl all up in my face like that was disrespectful. you are not coming home with me. why don't you go home with your little friend? she obviously wants some of whatever you've got.

he gets all frustrated and sighs and finally lets me go.

i understand that we are not dating. so it's not a matter of him being with that girl. it's just a matter of him doing it in my face. his friends AND cousin were both hitting on me that night and i didn't talk to them out of respect for him. so for him to have that girl in my face like that, i find that very disrespectful.

i kind of talked to him this morning about it and he said that he doesn't remember what i'm talking about. he says that he barely remembers me being there. so i think that he thinks that we don't need to talk about it. i told him that i feel like he disrespected me and i think we need to set some boundaries. he hasn't responded yet. whatever. i keep saying that i'm done with him, but i'm not.

blah. there's more to the story but i don't have it in me to talk about it right now. i've been pissed all day and am just now coming down a little. so i'll let you know about that tomorrow.

i think i have a right be upset about this whole thing. and i would like to reiterate that it's not the girl. he can see and be with whomever he wants, but we should have some kind of rules as to whatwe'll do in those situations, right? god it sucks when my type A planner counterpart comes shining through.

Seri's having a birthday party tonight at a cute little club. I'm going. Wearing a tube top, cute jeans, heels and big hair - and praying that the ex girl is not there. So I'm sure I'll have updates for that on the morrow. drama, drama, drama right?

also, guess who's down to 160? that's right bitches!! Mama's coming down! I have been purging again but most of it is a diet change. i'm ok, i promise. the purging will stop soon. i'm working on it.

Beebs

you know your boobs are big when while sitting at your desk, you get papers stuck underneath them and cause everything to fall off of your desk when you scoot back.

the bright side of my day today... :-)

dr. phill + seri = ramblings...

so yesterday at a friend's house, i read (i'm ashamed to say) Dr. Phil's love book. my friend already had it. so that brings the pathetic nature of this story down a little bit right? god, i hope so. it started off as a joke. i would read a little to myself and then read the funny dr. phil-isms to everyone aloud. it was a good time. but then i got to the guy-q section where dr. phil tells you how to seduce your man and i pretty much lose sight of all else but seri. it's ridiculous really. i'm ridiculous. i've let my cards show and i don't know what to do about that.

so i know that i said that i was done with seri. but (obviously that was coming) i went back. i asked him about his ex girlfriend. if they were still living together (yeah - "dumbest idea i ever had). i was trying to feel out how tight they were and what that meant for me. i don't know why i'm so fucking interested in him anyways. it really does drive me crazy that i can't shake him. but i'm sticking this thing out and i'm shaking his ass if it kills me.

- so anyways i asked if she was his son's mother, if she was from his hometown, and how long they'd been dating. he totally still likes her. and i feel like julia roberts in my best friend's wedding when michael's chasing kimmy and julianne is chasing michael while talking to george, her gay friend, on the phone and he says "and whos' chasing you? nobody! got it? you are not the one! now you have a small but distinct window of opportunity to do the right thing!"

so he tells me that he's living with her to split the bills which we all know is a lie. he still cares about her and wants her around. so i said (laying it all out there in my anger) that i didn't like him living with her but that it was his life and he could do what he wanted. i shouldn't have said that. i shouldn't care. so i spent this weekend getting clarity. i didn't call or text. i just stayed to myself and tried to remember why it took me so long to even let him in in the first place.

and i haven't decided anything.

dr. phil says that i need to let him chase me. i need to give him some healthy competition. i need to be vague and nonchalant about plans with him. basically everything he's doing to me. but i'm not good at manipulation. and i'm pretty sure this is the first time that i've felt bad about that.

so i'm sure there will be more seri posts in the near future. hopefully soon he'll piss me off completely and i'll leave him alone for real. he's supposedly having a birthday party on Friday night. i figure that i can show up fashionably late from "previous plans" looking hot. say hi and move my way through the crowd. maybe take a girlfriend or gay man with me to the club. and that's if i go. i might just stay home and hang out at the crib. just me and the cats. yep, i just said that.

we'll see what the week holds.

Change 1: Drop Seri - for real this time

i like him a lot still, but he makes me feel crazy. and crazily enough, i think he wants to. he's reading (I don't know if I've mentioned this already) the Art of Seduction which basically says that you take a person you're interested in (AKA the victim), send them mixed signals, give them vague responses, and basically make them dependent on you. i don't have the time or energy for that. so i decided that i was done with that. i cried a little last night. not over him, but it's always the same story for me. when i'm done with a relationship - it's my fault regardless of whether it was my fault really. it all goes back to being fat, ugly, and not good enough. which is another thing i need to fix. but i need to take it one step at a time.

so with seri, i kept giving him chances. i thought he was showing me how he felt about me and he was. i love when i'm right - but i need to learn how to filter through other's people's bullshit a little better. especially the romantics - since i have that covered on my own. anyways - back to seri. he told me to call him the other night and i did. but when i told him to call me the next week (sometime during the week just not that wednesday because of scheduled events) he didn't. i always cut him some slack because he has a kid and i don't know his schedule with his son or anything. just trying to be considerate. so when he didn't call me that week that was his strike 1. strike 2 came the other night when i asked if i could call him that night when i left work. mind you, i told him that i was going to work until 9 or 10 that night so i'd call as i was leaving. he says it's fine, but when i call he doesn't answer. i was heated. i mean, livid. but i brought back and decided that he'd fallen asleep or something. yesterday i text him and asked if he'd fallen asleep like i thought (well, given him the benefit of a doubt) and he texts back "prolly". i thought i was going to kill him. y'all see the crazy anxiety and the self-doubt here, but to the public eye - none of that shit shows up. so i haven't been calling him all of the time or anything. i'm not crazy acting with him so all of this not calling bullshit is all a power struggle that i always have with him and i hate it. it's annoying as hell and makes me doubt myself. so strike three came last night in the form of a text from me. i told him that i wanted to talk to him so i wanted him to call me last night. if he couldn't call, i told him to text and tell me that. he didn't. and i let him go.

i know that he likes me. but i don't have time to pull it out of him. it's too dangerous for me to step into that with him. i can see his insecurities. i can see all of his issues and i like him a lot still. but i don't have time to counsel him and pull myself together too. it's too close to my heart. i've already been purging like crazy again here lately because his vagueness (can't think of another word) and nonchalant but let me hold you after sex and let's talk about our futures and let me tell you intimate secrets bullshit attitude. he triggers me. so i'm walking away nicely. i don't hate him but i definitely don't want to be dragged into that.

i emailed my sister this morning about coming home to Georgia within the next two years because this morning i was doubting that i could make here anymore. that maybe all of the voices (self-esteem issues not actual voices - i'm ed not schizo) were right and i couldn't cut it in Chicago. i didn't tell her that but just said that i had been thinking about moving back and missed them so much. that i was maybe just really homesick. i wanted her to tell me to move home because i was stupid and shouldn't have moved so far away like everyone keeps telling me but this is what she wrote me:

I miss you too girl. I know I'm always saying you should move back closer to home. I stopped because I don't want you to think I'm trying to pressure you into anything. I know you've gone through that enough in your life already. I know your struggle so do what you feel you should do. What I mean is, I know why you needed to get so far away. I just think you've grown a lot since you've been gone and you are ready to come back closer and face or deal with as a adult what you were trying to get away from. Its time to be that grown woman Bibs!! And I mean to everybody in your life. It's time to prove that is who you are now and you can make your own decisions for your life. This is your life, you will have to deal w/ the consequences, no one else. So with that being said, from my point of view, I think you would be more fulfilled being near your loved ones. I said near, not next to ;-). I know I will. Just compare the two, the benefits of being in Chicago vs. the benefits of being closer to your family. Write it down and see which one has the most benefits and go from there. I love you Bibs!!! Just a little Big Sister talk to start your day!!! I'm so proud of you!!!

this is what i needed today. i needed to be reminded that i am a grown woman and i make my own decisions. a friend of mine said recently that she was impressed that i moved from small town Georgia to big city Chicago and i'm doing it on my own. with minimal help from my parents anyways. i come from a line of extremely strong women and a lot of times i feel like i don't measure up to that standard. but the uncertainty i feel is not a sign of weakness. everyone feels that. the weakness comes when i let others or that uncertain feeling dictate how i live my life. stepping out into the future not knowing what's going to happen but handling it as it comes takes strength.

so shawn can kiss my ass. i have enough people in my life telling me that i'm not good enough. that i made a bad choice moving here. that i can't make it here. that i'm not pretty enough. that i'm not thin enough. that i'm not perfect. i don't need a man beside me telling me the same thing. i need someone that's going to come alongside me and be strong with me. so if it takes another 3 years to get another boyfriend or boy that's interested in me...then that's just what it's going to take. because i can't have anyone tearing me down all of the time. that's no way to live.

NOT PREGNANT!!

YAY!!

took two tests - one at home and then a digital one at work. crazy, but i needed to be sure that it wasn't a false negative as i was really, REALLY nauseous yesterday morning.

so all is good and i'm making a few changes to the way i live my life.

my brother sent this to me and i love it.

also wanted to note that i don't necessarily want a baby right now. someday. when i'm in a committed relationship or married and know that person will be there to help with the kid. every child needs a father. mine was piss poor at times and kind of fucked me up a little. but all in all he was there and i could have turned out much worse. for all of my whining here, i'm a rock for my friends. and i'm that foundation that everyone leans on to get through things. i don't mean any of this to brag, but i lend a certain friend money every off week between paydays because she is always short. she's the one whose baby i helped deliver. and by lend, i mean, i give her about $40 every other payday or so to help her get gas in her car. i listen to my friends cry all of the time about this boy or that - and sometimes cry with them. i've talked two friends through divorce. i've talked friends through deaths in their families. i've talked friends into being stronger and understanding how precious they are. i've talked friends through not feeling loved and forgiving those that have hurt them.

i've done all of this and then some - and it amazes me how weak i am in my own situations.

funny thing is, everyone thinks that i have it together. outward appearance is that i eat what i want when i want. i'm confident in every social situation. i'm the life of the party. and most of the time - i'm crying about something inside. it used to be for the hurt that i could feel in other people. but it's transferred to the fear that i feel inside of myself. i get things done because i have to. i stand up straight so that i don't cave into myself. but people don't see that.

they don't see the struggle.

and that's ok. they don't have to. but sometimes i just think about GOD and what i've been taught about him. and what i know to be true about him. and how people react to religion and i wonder why i struggle. i have a good life compared to a lot of people. but i've also been the girl that's had to sleep on an air mattress for 9 months until i got a bed. i've had to go without eating to pay my bills. i've had $5 in my pocket and wondered how the rent was going to be paid. those are the moments that i see god. know when i didn't see him? when 14 people in my family (including my best friend) died in one year. when my aunt just died of cancer. when my dad has cheated on my mom. when my mom has to work 2 jobs because my dad is stingy and won't pay his half of the bills. and that's just the things that i see in my own life. don't even get me started on the world at large because i have a few bones to pick with him on a few things.

and as much as he makes me angry and i want to not believe in him, sometimes he's just all i've got. and knowing that i have someone on my side makes life a little easier to handle. when people are crying to me and asking me why and when i'm on the phone listening to my best friend tell me that the doctors are only giving her a month to live but she's coming to graduation or when i'm forced to have sex with someone i don't want to or talked to inappropriately - there's this little ball of faith that says that everything will be ok.

so apparently i needed to get that out. i want to be "normal" so badly. and this is my chance. even if i'm not pregnant i think i'm going to talk to someone and figure out why i hurt so badly all the time. and why i feel other people's pain so deeply. it's time for the counselor to become the counselee.

you're probably letting out a sigh of relief on that one. it's about damn time right?

pregnancy...

so i was going to write out this crazy blog entry about my weekend and whatever and how i've been freaked out about potentially being pregnant. but this is the low down.

i'm amazingly ok right now. i'm nauseous as a mofo. but i'm hanging in there. i haven't been short with anyone. and i haven't told anyone outside of one friend. she texted today and asked if i was ok. i am. a little stressed though, i said. she asked what it was about and i told her that my period was late. she asked if i was worrying about this all weekend and i let her know that i wasn't really worrying about it. but was extremely nauseous and sleeping alot. could be my period, but i've never had those symptoms before. i was really light headed last week too. and normal activities were just wiping me out. but i found it in myself to run this weekend twice. so that was good. i'm going again today. i have to clear my mind or i'm going to go crazy.

so these are my thoughts on being pregnant.

scenario 1:
i'm pregnant. i decide to move back to ga with my parents for a while until i find a job. my mom would help me out through her disappointment with me. i'd get the talk about being careful. but she'd be really excited about it all. that i moved home and that i was having a grandchild for her to love. she's sweet that way. at this point seri would have to travel to see the baby and that's a little stressful.

scenario 2:
i'm pregnant. i stay in chicago but move back out to the suburbs so that i'm closer to work. i save money and prepare for the baby's arrival. tell my parents and get the mom speech and dad disappointment. seri can see the baby when he wants. my mom can come stay for a while when the baby's born to help out. and i'll just stay at this job and save money.

scenario 3:
i'm pregnant. get rid of it. don't tell seri because i'd feel awful for killing his baby. and go through a great time of sucking it up and not being with him anymore i'm sure. you'd never know it, but i do well with great tragedies like death and life-altering accidents. emotional nothings ravage me. it's a curse.

note: the worst part about this whole thing is that he has a son already. his son is almost 9 and he's taken care of him alone (for the most part) by himself. since he was 20. it's mind-boggling to me. and i feel like i'd be making his life that much more difficult. i feel like if i am pregnant, it's my fault and i'll just suffer the consequences. i know that it takes two to tango and i don't even know if i'm pregnant for real. it's just a hunch. an unsupported hunch. but this is the realest hunch i've ever had.

so at this point, i'm thinking about how it would feel to have this baby on my own. how it would feel to know that i could have had a baby but i got rid of it. all of the people i know that would be so disappointed in me for doing this (having the baby OR having an abortion). i keep thinking about being a statistic. i always said i wouldn't be a statistic. i wouldn't be that unwed mother. the baby's mama. and i've put myself in that situation which was stupid of me.

oh well. those are the thoughts right now. the good thing, though, is that if i am pregnant. i'm going to get help. for the eating disorder. and also the craziness. there's always been this unreal quality to life. consequences aren't real until they happen. people don't do the crazy things that i've heard of them doing. i might have a personality disorder or something. something's wrong and i'd have to fix it. i wouldn't want to put a child through that.

so that's that. that's what i'm thinking right now. if i chose the abortion, i'd tell this one friend and that would be all. and i'd write about it here. but i couldn't stand to have people see me and know that i'd just done that. this definitely tops my list of the most irresponsible thing i've done.

and on a side note: i think we'd have beautiful babies together.