i haven't updated in forever, i know. but there are some things that i need to get off my chest these days.

let me take you back to Nov 15...
a friend of mine just had a baby. so i went to visit. on the way i called and asked if she'd like me to bring anything and wine was the suggested gift. so i go to the grocery store and pick up 3 bottles. one for us to drink, one for her to have and one for me. well turns out we drank all 3 bottles. because she laid a bomb on me (You might be able to see where this is going...).

"girl, i have a secret"
"oh you do do you? what's that?"
"i've been sleeping with seri for 4 years now"

well, i thought i was going to throw up all over myself. it was like some crazy fucking dream. i couldn't believe it. i could see him liking her but not her liking him. it was (and still is) all surreal to me. so she proceeds to tell me all the details of her relationship with him. i was shocked, dumbfounded, speechless, etc. i couldn't find the words to tell her. i couldn't even eat the dinner she'd made us.

it was a crazy happening. and i realized as she was telling me all of this, that she wanted me to share. i think she's had a feeling about me and him but didn't know for sure. i'm sure she thought that i would come right out and tell her. but i didn't. i gave him hell for it though. i must have called him every pussy ass nigga, scumbag muthafucka that i could think of.

so we fought all day at work on monday - through text which is very classy, adult and professional. i suggest that everyone try it. it was great. basically he said that he hadn't slept with her or anyone else at work for that matter, "but to be 100 i wouldn't put anyone out there like that even if i did". there's no doubt in my mind that he's been sleeping with her.

back to today, December 14...
she's back from maternity leave today and i am not ok. i was finally getting ok with how things were after him and i fought. but now i'm not feeling so good. i feel incredibly fat. i feel crazy for arguing with him about it. i feel stupid for continuing a relationship with him when i knew that he had a girlfriend, then a fiance. but all those things don't matter anymore.

i just need to pull it together and move on. because i have in some regards, but truth be told, i haven't completely. but her being here will force me to. she's makes me feel not good enough. not sexy enough. he treated her better than he treated me (in my mind) and that sucks. the rotation was mostly me and her but wow...it definitely breeds competition in me.

i have speculations and paranoid/intuitive thoughts about him and her. i have emotions about him not talking to me. i have emotions about him thinking that i'm crazy. i have emotions about everything. but at this point, i'm trying to remember that i'm better than that. i don't have to rely on his attention to feel good. i don't have to rely on him saying hi to feel normal. all i have to do is learn my lesson and move on.

so one step at a time i'm moving on. i needed to get it off of my chest today because it was so awkward talking to her this morning. mostly the same but a little awkward. and then we saw him and he avoided us. then i saw her baby's picture and although she says that it's someone else's baby - i think it's his.

and although i know i was a bootycall, it still hurts a little. because, as i was telling a friend, we're not friends and that hurts more than not sleeping with him. there's no connection anymore - but there is. i'm confused and mad. i told him that he keeps telling me that i'm his friend but apparently we have different definitions of what a friend is supposed to be. i told him that after a certain point i didn't try to make him my boyfriend. i even tried to not be friends with him at all but he kept fighting me and telling me that he wanted to be friends. i told him how i didn't understand that. and i'm not angry because he was sleeping around. i expected that. i'm angry that he continually puts me in bad situations with his wife, his friends, my friends - over and over again. and to me that's not what a friend does. and i told him that he always makes me step outside of myself and say things that i wouldn't normally say and that's not healthy.

that's my story - and that's my day. i need to kick it into gear and get over him. i'm trying but man, is it hard. but he's leaving work Jan 15 (another story for another day) so maybe life here will be better when he's gone.

and so i've been seeing someone. it's really new...and his name is george. it's great so far. he texts me alot. everyday actually. he thinks i'm beautiful, funny, smart...a good girl. and i love it. but i'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. i'm waiting to say, "they're all the same..." but at the same time i'm hoping that i don't get to say that. i hope that even if this doesn't work out, it'll be for a different reason. for a reason that i'm sure will hurt but won't scar. and the reason will allow me to say "i knew there were some good ones out there."

but i'm silently holding my breath on that,

i've been trying to be friends with seri. which has proven to be quite difficult. i'd told him that i couldn't be friends with him and he'd fought with me about it. then i cracked one night while we were out with our friends and his wife came. i kept calling his phone and texting him. in defense of my crazy, we were at a Bacardi Tasting party with freeflowing glasses of alcohol and also, he was flirting with me in front of her. so i was a lot of drunk and a little confused as to what i was supposed to how this was supposed to work. sometimes he texts and emails me then other times he doesn't. which i know means that i need to let it go, but really, that's going to take a while to happen. i'm trying to get over it at a steady (normal) pace. but we'll see if that really happens. i don't know how to be around him and not be the same that we were before. i've never had to do it before so it's a little weird for me.

other news:
eating has been fine. i've been eating more than i need to but no throwing up so i'm calling it a win-win. i've picked up a little weight too so i'm trying to make sure that i don't get too down on myself about that.

smoking has kind of let up too. so that has been good. i'm hoping to start running again soon because the weight that i'm putting on is not fun. People keep saying that they can't tell but i can and it's driving me crazy.

so all's well right now for the most part. living the dream, kids, i'm living the dream...

wedding bells

he got married.

i've been crying.

i'm back and i'm sure there's no one that reads this anymore. but i thought i'd write anyways. i have a lot on my mind right now.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

updates:

eating has been a bitch. a friend told me that i had bad eating habits and that didn't help since i'm the healthiest that i've been in a long time. i threw up again about three weeks ago. i hate that i do that. go for a while and then somehow lose my mind and head back to the place where i was. i've made a lot of missteps lately. so anyways as i was saying - i threw up and busted capillaries in my face and my eyes were hella puffy when i woke up. crazy shenanigans. so i had to come to work with looking like i got some back alley acupuncture that made my eyes puffy. going lie right now is "i think i'm allergic to vodka". since the night before i'd been out with friends in Boystown drinking and dancing the Thursday night away. so fun until i stopped for McDonalds at 4 am.

i slept with seri - again. it had been about 3 months or so. and for some reason i caved. it was hot and not emotional. which was great at first but now it has perpetuated the cycle again. and i hate myself for it. well hate is a strong word. i'm not "depressed" about it like i was before, but i know now that there's no just being content here and working with him. i really am going to have to leave here and just not be in contact with him which sucks cause i really like our mutual friends. but i'm thinking i'm going to have to drop them too just for safety's sake. i've never had to not be in a relationship with someone that i see all of the time. growing up in the military is great in the way that it lets you experience different cultures and see other places however, it sucks in the dealing with life's biggest issues sometimes. we moved every 2 to 3 years of my life. if i broke up with a boyfriend it really wasn't an issue because one of us was usually moving so we wouldn't see each other without much effort anyways. so that was that. very different when you live in neighboring counties and therefore take the same way home and work in the same office - even if you don't officially work on the same projects.

other than that, life is essentially fine. my little brother - he's 20 - informed me yesterday that he'd like to join the US Air Force. Ugh. that was definitely not on my list of things that i wanted to give my brother advice about. he's a man. he can make his own decisions. but i don't want him to do it and i told him. i mean, seriously, who joins the military in the middle of a war because he doesn't know what to do with his life? yeah - not so much a good reason eh? so i told him that i thought that he needed to just take a break. drop his college class load down a little so he has some free time, dump his girlfriend that he's been fighting with, and go out and really find out what he wants to do. there are so many jobs out there, it's just a matter of finding your niche you know? i try not to tell him what to do. our parents do a good job of that. my dad told him he was stupid for wanting to do that - which i agree but said it differently. he also told him that he joined the military and struggled through life so that my brother and i didn't have to. my brother didn't get it. he thought my dad was being a tool and just trying to stunt his growth as a man. but really my dad is just worried. and he knows the pains of the military. not being around family because you're too far away, losing touch with friends you grew up with, stability of being in one place with a support system, having to pick up and go when you're orders are delivered, being separated from your family in times of war...my brother doesn't remember the times my dad had to leave for war. he was so young. he didn't feel the disappointment and worry when my dad wouldn't call when he said he would because he couldn't. when my dad had to leave for months - sometimes a year - at a time to work on some special "confidential" project. crazy. my brother just thinks that it's going to buy him some time to figure out where his life is going. so this week he's going to talk to a recruiter. the older sister in me wants to kick him in the balls and tell him that that's a bad idea. but the friend in me said to call before he goes so we can go through questions that he needs to ask and discuss it afterward to see what he thinks afterward. i wish i could point him in the right direction, but lord knows, i'm struggling myself. :-)

so that's what's happening in Chi-city. i hope all is well where you are.

waiting to have an update meeting with my department so i have a little free time. i hate when you finish a project and could start something else before your meeting - but that would cause mayhem and confusion because you'd have to stop wherever you were when it was time for the meeting and couldn't really finish your thought. so i'm avoiding that with this blog. it's update time.

i'm having a great time here lately. i've been dating. good times. some drunken times. seri is still on my mind but much less than before. he really is an asshole and you know that i could really get into it and just type away the drama, but it's really not worth it anymore. i've known he is an asshole for a long time. but now i'm not hiding my disdain. i'm tired of the bullshit and really just annoyed by the nonsense on any given day. so i've pulled back from him a lot. i just thought about it because he came up to talk a little bit ago and i just don't really have any niceties or pleasantries to exchange with him anymore.

work is fine. in some ways i'm ready to move on but mostly i'm fine. i really like what i do. i think the seri situation has just really tainted the way that i feel about being here. which isn't fair but the way it is. i can't blame it all on him but i like to pretend that i can. makes me feel better.

i haven't thrown up since Valentine's Day. so i will be purge free for two months next Tuesday. that's exciting. i've started feeling so much better about myself. the fat days are not as overwhelming as they were a year ago today. i am not incapacitated by fat thoughts or trying to find something to eat at any given time. i don't have panic attacks in the grocery store anymore. it's amazing, actually, to think of how far i've come with this and how much healthier (and skinnier) i am now that i'm not doing that. i think doing that helped accelerate and maybe even caused many of my thyroid issues. but alas, i don't know that for sure. just speculating.

bellydance is going well. one of these days i'm going to be amazing. we had evaluations saturday after class and i got a really good report. i'm happy about that because this is something that i love and would like to be good at. i've been in class since about august i think. so to hear such encouraging words even though i feel like i suck most of the time is great. hopefully i'll keep progressing.

i think that's it for the update. i hope that all is well with everyone.

so although i've been thinking about him a lot and wanting to be with him. i haven't given in physically - which is a first. my dad thinks that i'll go back to him - but i am truly determined not to this time. and apparently, the universe is testing me as he's been coming up a lot here lately to "work" and stop by and talk. so strange the clarity you gain after you're away from someone for a while. i feel like the wool's been removed from my eyes and although i kind of knew - now i definitely know and i don't want to fall for it again. so that's where i'm at with that.

i purged valentine's day night for the first time since October. i hate that i did it. but i haven't had the urge to do it again since then. so we're at about 4 days and recounting. maybe this time i can last longer than 4 months. we'll see.

other than that, most things are going well. and i'm actually happy being me.

and so, mentally, i fell into the trap again. and i was starting back down the road of seri-ism and then i heard something that turned my stomach and made me nauseous - and backed up everything that i'd "known" for so long. and i'm tired and done. i keep saying that, but every time it becomes truer and truer. it's rung true for a long time but i keep backsliding. why? i was lonely. desperate. unloved and wanting it so badly that i just caved. i gave up my smoking and eating disorder. but i can't give him up without a fight. yesterday i told him i was embarassed to know him. that i'd been stupid to even be involved with him. but that it wasn't his fauly. i accepted full responsibility for my actions. he asked me what he did to deserve that - and i didn't have any answers. i wanted to say "pick an instance. just any instance where you didn't do something that would hurt me or make me feel like just a piece of meat." but i didn't. it's not all his fault. i let it happen. and this morning i listened to luther vandross and cried all the way to work. i wasn't even listening to the sad, crappy - 'how dare you take advantage of me' songs. it was the beautiful love songs that inspired some sort of peace and healing that i'd been looking for for a long time and felt was just out of my reach. today i will be a mess but for the most part, i'm sooo happy that i'm done (again). hopefully this time will stick. i told him that i couldn't even be friends with him - at all. we'll see what the future holds.

i want to give up. on love. on life. on everything. and just live in my little "woe is me" bubble. but alas, my will sucks ass and makes me get through things. one day i'll look back on this and laugh. i'll remember the good times and some of the bad. i'll still be angry about the girl at his birthday and relish in the way he touched my body. i'll appreciate the times he cared enough to sincerely ask me if i was ok - and really took the time to listen. i'll still be annoyed by the times that he ignored my texts but then called to see if he could come over. the bitter and the sweet are what make life so great - and i need to remember that i'll get through it. even though my heart hurts a little bit today. and even though i feel stupid for letting him in and feeling so vulnerable. and although i keep kicking myself about the fact that i let him disrespect me so much.

i'm thankful. thankful to know what i'm looking for now. thankful that i know who i am right now and can see the woman that i'm striving to be. thankful that i can show people my human side and know where my weaknesses are. i'm thankful that i've never been the type to become bitter and hate all men for the transgressions of one. i'm truly thankful this morning. (and a little dramatic).

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

i'm frustrated with my job today. very frustrated. i'm at the point of saying, "if you're going to lay me off, could you do it already?" why drag out the inevitable? really? i'm tired. so tired.

tonight the plan is to refill out my school application for The Chicago School of Psychology - the irony is not lost on me. i would like to finish my essay this week as well. i was supposed to have it done earlier last week for sure and of course i just couldn't do it. so this week i need to step it up and get it done. today is the day that i feel for sure that i need to get the hell up out of dodge.

in other news, a couple of friends and i are giving a bellydance/sex seminar this weekend. it's going to be soooo fun. i can't wait. i'm a little worried about it, but right now, we're pretty much breaking even as far as the money that we put in. so that's good. the first two hours are going to be bellydancing. the ladies that attend will be learning a choreographed dance with "7 sensual moves" to do for their significant other or lover. at the end of that part of the seminar, they can purchase the cd with the music for each dance on it. the second part of the seminar, we are having a woman that owns a sex toy shop come in and give a "talk/demonstration" about loving yourself and someone else - sexually. also, we are planning to have a cash bar, a vendor to sell bellydance belts and accessories, and we're going to be giving away door prizes that were donated by various vendors. i think it's going to be a successful venture. if you know anyone in the chicago area that would like participate, it's on Feb 7 at Studio 57 on 57th and Western. It starts at 1 pm and costs $35. it's going to be sooo much fun!!

so reality keeps slapping me in the face. i was a bootycall for sure. and i knew that. but part of me wanted it to go deeper than that. so i'm being a girl and whining to myself (and you) about it. i suck.

i'm tired.

we have been having layoffs at work off and on. the first one was in november and the second one was last week. we're supposedly having another on in february which scares the shit out of me. i wouldn't worry so much if i was in GA with my family. but since i'm up here alone and at a particularly weak point in my life, i'm a little worried. i know that i'll need to man up and get myself together but really, it's just worrisome thinking about what all i would need to do to make it. i'm not one of those people that has 3 months of rent saved up for just a situation as this. yep, i'm one of those people that always thought a tv, trip, shoes, late nights of boozing were way more important than saving money. yep - i'm going to need to not repeat that in the future. :-)

other than that, i've been procrastinating a lot. to the point that i'm annoying myself. so i can only imagine how other people must feel dealing with me right about now. it's good times.

oh - life...i love it but why it so aggravating all of the time?? seriously - can't a girl catch a break?