it just doesn't make sense...

i've been cutting a lot of people out of my life here lately. not necessarily on purpose or maybe on purpose but not maliciously. i'm just tired is all. i'm still happy and wonderful, but just want to be alone for a little bit. so i usually go to work, go home, hang out with a few choice people, and just chill the rest of the time. it's weird. every now and then i just go through this phase of just needing to be. just be.

i went back through some of the posts that i've written and well, i'm a little disappointed in myself. i complain a lot (which i knew about myself) but really, it's not that necessary. i talk about the same things all the time. the processing helps and you can see the clarity as i work through things, but at the same time, i need to progress somehow. i'm stuck in a rut and i need to climb out of it.

money is a huge issue. i need to get my finances together. so at some point, i need to sit down and write out a plan of what i want to accomplish and how i'm going to accomplish it. hmmm... i need some financial guidance. this is the stress of my life. money.

lately i've been thinking about what i want to do with my life too. i'm actually a little embarrassed to say it. but i want to be a counselor. and the funny thing is, when i decided this, that's when my world started falling apart. i started with the eating disorder hardcore, i was sexually assaulted, i became really emotional...etc. part of my reasoning is that i would like to keep people from going through the same things that i have, i'd like to do that. i would like to do rape, crisis, PTSD counseling at some point. but also, i'd like to help kids figure out what they want to do and what roads will actually take them there. like what a guidance counselor is supposed to be. not just what they are known for. i'd like to be apart of the few that actually do what they are supposed to do.

anyways - i just had a drop in hormones and the tears are close to coming. i hate that. so i'm going to need to go now. hope everyone is well and i hope that my hormone level returns to normal soon. i'm going to need to not cry today. :-)

there are a lot of things that i was going to say in this post. just about life in general and then i erased it. all of it. i've been having a crisis of sorts here lately. my skin was looking shitty, my attitude was sour, i was emotional and just not the life of the party that i usually am with my friends. i just felt so fake and lifeless. then sunday, i went shopping, treated myself to a facial and thai food, then watched the Bears/Colts game on the phone with my dad. it was just a good restful day. the only thing that would have made it better would have been if i'd gone to church and really felt like i was back "in" with god. i've been on the outs for a while now. not because i feel like he kicked me out, but rather i turned my back on that to do what i wanted.

so yesterday and today i've been so free. just light and airy and wonderful. i can't explain it. i'm not overly ecstatic, i'm just in love with life right now. and i realize that it's going to hurt talking to seri sometimes and life in general may not be too comfortable - but it's ok. i'm still here, i'm still strong and i need to remember that it's ok to feel things and to be emotional - i just can't let that control me.

so with that said, things have been going fine. i still haven't thrown up or used laxatives in what seems like forever. i've decided to go back to school for sure. so now i need to just finish writing those damn essays so i can send in my application. i'm serious about it this time.

i'm still dancing. and when i'm not dancing, i'm working out which has helped the eating struggles. one of these days i'll be able to eat without the paranoia. i'm really excited for that day. and i've kind of revisited my body goals and have decided that i don't want to be skinny. i just want to tone up and fit well into my clothes at whatever size that i may be. i hope to get to the point where i don't even own a scale anymore. that's down the road a ways but i know that i can do it.

so that's that. nothing has really changed but my attitude. but it's for the better and i'm excited to see my life follow.

today i asked seri to walk down to breakfast with me at work. i know that i need to be careful with him, but at the same time - i wanted to be sure that i'm ok, you know? i've never had to live and breathe around someone i'd broken up with or terminated any kind of relationship with after the fact. i've always moved. every 1 - 3 years of my life besides college. so it's been really hard for me to deal him being around and having mutual friends that don't know anything about it. this morning he told me that he doesn't think he's getting married. that she's calling it off. well, honestly, i didn't think it was going to last anyways. but now, although i'm sad for him and i would go get a drink or something with him (and a group of people), i can't go back down that road with him. he had his chance with me - and i'm turning out to be one of those stupid girls that keeps going back but i'm trying my damnedst not to be that girl this time. i knew that he wanted me to wait it out before because he didn't think it was going to happen. but i can't do that this time. i still like him, but now i'm finally back at the point of being able to see the whole picture instead of just the pieces that are close to me. so i need to do what's best and stop lowering my standards and being desperate. just because i feel for him doesn't mean that i have to be an idiot about him.

so that's the thought process right now. i'm working on myself again. one of these days it'll actually pay off.