a new day...

i didn't purge this weekend which is great. i am soo proud of myself. i wanted to so badly but i didn't. instead, i got up at a decent hour and spent time outside even though it was snowing like crazy and my hair looked like shit. good times.

friday i declined going dancing with friends due in part to intimidation (a guy i have a crush on was going and he is a great dancer and i had a bad feeling). everytime i have a semi-bad to bad feeling about going somewhere or doing something, my life starts to break down and something bad happens. so i've decided not to let people guilt me into anything that i don't really want to do. i wanted to see him but wasn't wanting to get another ticket or have another car accident. it seriously happens all the time. and if somebody told me that, i'd think, well stop driving like an idiot, but it's never just my being wreckless although it happens. so anyways i went to a lame party where i didn't really know anyone and then went home and crashed. but was awakened by various texts of the dancer wanting to know where i was and why i wasn't there or coming at all for that matter. so that made me feel good. texted with him the day after - all day. so that was great too. i don't think he likes me, but it's nice to have a crush.

that reminds me...friday at breakfast seri came up to me and struck up a convo. it was pleasant and not boring, but i don't understand him at all. asking me what my plans are and why i didn't invite him to my friend's christmas party. i was nice. just said - well you're the one that needs notice remember? and i just found out about it. (he needs notice cause he has a son and he says he has to get a babysitter, but i think he lives with his ex so she is all the babysitter he needs - and sex too i think - which is a whole 'nother post). then he tells me that he's going to be close to my apt next weekend. which means - i'm not going to invite you to go dancing with me at a spot close to your apartment but i'll stop by to get laid afterwards.) so we'll see how that goes. :-)

oh boys...they're all the rage until you can't read them...i think i have control issues.

i straightened my hair last night instead of cleaning the living room like i'd wanted. sometimes you just need a new hair do. it came out alright even though i've kind of forgotten how to do it. i've been letting it do it's curly 'fro thing for a little bit now and just don't have the finesse that i used to with it. so i'm kind of nervous for everyone to come in and see it. it's always this big deal. which is fine sometimes but most of the time, i just want to fade into the background. i don't really like attention unless i've drawn it to myself and am just in that mood. plus, my period is about to start and i'm a tad bit bloated. so that's on my mind right now too. whatever. i need to learn not to let food rule me and my moods. it's just so hard.

anyways - today's going to be a good day i think. i have my tall, no water, soy chai latte from starbucks, i have a head start on my day since i'm here super early posting, and i'm just deciding that i'm ok today. when you have that kind of attitude, no one can pull you down from your cloud, right? right.

have you ever had so much to do that you just wanted the world to stop? that's where i am right now. i'm tired of complaining and whining. i just want something to just be finished and fine so i don't have to worry about it anymore. i'm trying not to make a list to cross off. but it's coming to that i think.

weight is still around 169 or so. still can't find those damn laxatives and just don't want to buy anymore because - really - i know how bad they are for me. i understand that. and i think i'm getting a bladder infection from all of the ephedrine i've been taking without drinking a lot of water. in light of that, there will be no pills today. just water and cranberry juice and some sort of food. without stress i might add.

i need to figure out how much money i'll need for school and decide when i'm going back. i need to go soon. not getting any younger and also not really seeing an end to this work situation. i don't think it's going to get better. i think it's just going to get worse and worse for me. i like what i do and most of the people i do it with, but there are a couple that leave me scratching my head on a regular basis.

i need to find out what's going on with my car insurance and getting my car fixed from the accident i had. so around 9 am i'm going to be doing some phoning of businesses to figure out what needs to be done and how so i can get some things taken care of. i'm tired of feeling like my life is out of control. it's really starting to freak me out. and although i might be kind of whiny here, i don't whine like that in real generally. i'm very much a pick myself up, dust myself off, and move it on along kind of person.

oh and i dropped seri. kind of. i told him that he could come over whenever but that i wasn't going to ask him anymore because it was annoying. annoying me and maybe him. well, i know that he most likely won't call until he's horny one night at like 2 in the morning. but i've taken his number completely out of my phone so that i can't contact him. i've done it before, but this time i mean it. i'm finally at the point that although i like seeing him around work and talking to him, i don't feel like i'm going to call him or that i'm going to go crazy if i can't text him. last time i took his number out of my phone, i immediately regretted it. this time i'm happy and oh so ready to move on or really, just focus on getting my ass back in school. so that's that. right now i'm working on getting my mind right to not be a booty call when he calls. so that's something.

i think that's all i've got right now.

so this weekend has been interesting.

Friday: i was conned into going to a holiday party. it was soooo ridiculous. there were girls dancing on girls and trying to pull everyone into it. i had to give them my line "black girls don't do that." we'll do some freaky shit, but most of us don't dance up on other girls. since there were not many desirable people i ended up on the couch with the best guy there. why i always end up doing some deviant shit at parties is beyond me. so of course everyone comes and sits near us as i start stroking his crotch under the pillow. fun but seriously annoying that i do shit like that. if i could have gotten a little action from him, i probably would have at that point. so i'm glad there was no opportunity for that.

that night on the way home dropping off my drunk 'mo friend, i got pulled over by a cop for running a red light. well, that's bull because the light was yellow. this is chicago, that's legal. so he asked how much i'd had to drink and i said like 2. he said that everyone says that and he could smell alcohol in the car so it must have been more than that. well, i've got a drunk ass passenger in the car - that's probably the alcohol you smell. whatever. then i couldn't find my insurance card because i suck. so i got a ticket for running the imaginary red light and for driving an uninsured car. well - then this f-er tells me to get out of the car for his "curoiosity" and do a sobriety test. i passed with flying colors and then was sent on my way. i had to ask whether or not i was getting my license back - nope. i can get in court, he says. drama. i was and am still so pissed about it. i was nice the whole time. he was being a prick. even drunk mo said that he was being a cunt. i never dispute tickets i feel i deserve and i was respectful the whole time. oh well. looks like i'm going to court.

Saturday: stayed home all day. couldn't find laxatives and was panicked. then remembered that i had fingers and that calmed me down. as much as i hate purging, it's an escape sometimes. so being the fatty that i am, i call and order thai food for dinner. 30 minutes later, an order of crab rangoon (which were free), mini eggrolls, 3 entrees of spicy basil chicken, panang curried chicken, and pepper and garlic steak and i was ready to eat myself into oblivion - i thought. my binge turned into an appetizer frenzy. i ate that and purged. then ate some pepper steak and rice and purged that. it was awful. i had to scream it out almost. yeah - i won't be doing that again.

Sunday: i was all bloated from the night before. i went to work for a little while with a friend and ended up going with her to her aunt's house to hang out for a little bit.

Today: i woke up late and still got to work earlier than i usually do. i feel all bloated and gross today too. and who was the first person i saw today? seri. i texted him this weekend and said that i wasn't going to ask him to come over anymore. i gave him my address and told him to keep it (he has a gps system) and call before he comes over - whenever that might be. who knows if it will happen. i told him i'm getting on my own nerves asking him to come over. i know it's getting on his. so whatever. i guess coming by was his way of being friendly after that. i think he thinks i'm crazy but really, he pisses me off on a regular basis. and we're not even dating. it's good times.

anyways besides being an ugly day, today has been good. i almost had a mini breakdown though. i called my best friend and told her that i don't want to do this anymore. meaning work here anymore. i think it was hormones since my period is supposed to start next week, but you know, i can't ever tell. everything just seems to get so hard sometimes and i just want the world to stop so i can work on it and get it right. but i don't have that luxury. so i'm thinking that i'm going back to school for real. i've been talking about it for a long time. i asked her if she thought all of this crap that i feel is fleeting and just hormonal and she said that she thought that i wasn't being ridiculous. she knows me the best out of everyone i've ever known besides my family. so it felt good to get it all out.

anywho - i'm done now. longest post ever is ready to stop. i think i'm going to leave early now. YAY!!

168.0

i texted seri against my best thoughts. i suck basically. but whatever. i told a friend of mine that i was done with him and the drama that is "not us" and she said, "you've said that before." it's true. i think this is what desperate looks and feels like. i only want to sleep with him because i need closure i think. how ridiculous is that? this is what crazy looks like people. right here - step on up to the glass. i won't bite. no good can come from my sleeping with him, but that's what i want and unless he protests - that's what i'll end up getting.

eating has been a bitch here lately too. i'm becoming psychotic and not ok with eating certain things. it's like some weird internal list of foods that are and are not ok. last night we went to a mexican restaurant and ordered drinks and appetizers. i had a taste of this and that but mostly chips and salsa. i had some chicken flautas, chicken quesadillas, guacamole, half a crab cake, a mojito, and a taste of margarita with a glass of water. then promptly went into the bathroom to purge what i could in a "normal" amount of bathroom time which wasn't much. then i had to wait for my face to lose some puffiness and redness. i hate that my eyes stay so glossy for so long afterwards. blah - hazards of the purge, i guess. it was on my mind the whole drive home, so i purged as soon as i got home too. never done that before. it was a whole hour later and i still got stuff up. so i purged as hard as i could at that point and gargled with listerine like that helps anything. so that was that.

today was when i noticed that i had an eating list. as i was walking around the cafe downstairs at work, i noticed that i was snubbing food as to whether or not it was acceptable and weighing the purge option. so weird to be outside of yourself like that. i kept hearing myself say, i could eat that, but i'd have to purge it. " "if i ate that, i'd have to purge at least half of it - i couldn't keep all of that down or i'd be a fat ass." crazy. i don't want to become that person. next thing you know, i'll be eating vegetables and running 20 miles a week. people always ask why i dont work out. not because i don't want to, but because i know i'd become addicted and be the person that has to outrun, out elliptical, outdo basically everyone else or i was a failure. and the way that i become addicted to things - i know it's just a matter of time before that become an obsession. and really, if i didn't see the scale move, it'd push me further into the ed. i'm already trying not to go home and take laxatives. it's consuming my mind. that's what i planned for tonight. this weekend really. laxatives and cleaning. basically cleaning out my body, room, and life. that's what purging is all about right?

i realized today - well maybe yesterday, that i've been skipping lunch and dinner too. funny how i know what i'm doing because, hello, i live in my body - i live this life, but at the same time i have random realizations about things i'm doing like i wasn't there. so anyways - it was yesterday that i realized that i hadn't been eating at lunch lately because i had lunch and freaked the hell out. i kept putting off taking the ephedrine i bought and then decided that i didn't need it. whatever. my stomach was begging for all of the food it could handle. i was ravenous. so after lunch i went and purged some water in the bathroom. i let it go with the water. i don't want to be the girl that purges at work. and although i felt like a fat ass the rest of the day, somehow the water purge helped calm the drama in my head.

well, i think that's all i've got for tonight. i'm trying to get down to 165 this weekend. i know it will all be water weight, but if i can get there with the laxies, then i can stay there with the ephedrine. i just want to be 150 and tone up. that's all. then i can end my psychosis and just be a normal person. i know that everyone says that, but i mean it.

alright - i think that's enough for tonight. i'm heading out.

couldn't sleep last night until about 3 in the morning so i was late to work this morning. always a fun thing to do. but i look cute regardless so that's something. i think it's from all of the stress and ephedrine i've been taking lately.

seri has come up the past two days to see me. probably cause i haven't been texting and all up on his jock as usual. i'm tired of the shit really. i don't even have the energy to text him anymore. it's too much drama for someone that i haven't slept with or really even talked to on the phone at all. he even came into the coffee area because i'd stepped away from my desk to tell me that he wants to set up some time with me. whatever. i'm still really attracted to him but it's annoying as hell to have to wait for him to be available. that's another reason why i think he's still dating that girl he was seeing before. he keeps telling me it's not true but i don't believe him. men that are pursuing you make a point to find out when you're available and want to be with you. he's content to be without me unless he thinks i'm going to sleep with him. i guess it's good that i realize that, but sometimes i wish i didn't.

anywho...it snowed last night. almost 6 inches. gets me in the holiday spirit. i love christmas and hadn't really gotten a chance to get into it yet. but i'm starting to get there. ever so slowly. i just love the buzz and the excitement that people have during this time of year. everything's so exciting. the music is nostalgic and people just realize that they're not the only ones here. that we're all connected somehow. it's so great.

i thought i was ok. i mean, really ok - almost surprisingly ok. then it hit me and i wasn't. when i was leaving my parents' house the other day on my way back to chicago i cried. i cried most of the way home. then i went to the funeral - a friend helped me drive - and i cried but was ok. but last night i was not ok. not ok at all. i texted a friend that knows about the eating and said that i just want to throw up until the tears stop. it's really annoying crying so much. feeling like a piece of you is dying is not fun either. i hate feeling things so deeply. it sucks. why can't i feel it the day of the funeral and then let it go? seriously.

the drama from the other day was that a friend of mine from work was fired. this place is fricking crazy. so many people with so many different objectives, you know? i know that shady people are everywhere, but it's just annoying to think that you have to be continuously watching for that knife in your back or you won't make it. so ridiculous. the things surrounding her being fired are just soo stupid and juvenile. i need to get out of here as soon as possible. it's getting to the point where i feel like i'm drowning in everything that i have to do here lately. I hate it.

other than that, i'm fine. not freaking out about weight even though there's been some gain. not freaking out about seri although he hasn't texted me back from the other day. i'm just tired and i have so much to do. so i'm going to pull myself together and hit the work like i don't have anything else to do. life will carry on right?

in funnier news, i'm pretty sure that i got caught in the rain walking to my car yesterday while wearing a white tshirt. i had a tanktop underneath it, but i'm pretty sure i got a couple of "what the frick" looks from the gays on the corner. good times...

drove back to chicago from ga yesterday. pretty sure it was one of the worst drives i've had in a long time. i cried through most of georgia and tennessee. it sucked. it just hit me the night before last at my parents' house that she really is gone you know. i couldn't control it. so sad and lame. i texted seri while i was gone to have him come over when i got back into town for some self-medicating. but i couldn't bring myself to do it last night. too tired and emotionally fragile. if i was ever going to fall in love or attachment with him, it'd be now. so i decided to let it ride out for a while until i'm a little stronger. if not, i'll treat him like a boyfriend and that is not the way i want it to be. so that's that.

well, got tons more to say but i think i'm going to pack it up and go home now. drama i tell you. drama.

things...

- don't know how much i weigh right now which is bothering the hell out of me
- my aunt died on my way home from chicago so we came up to philly anyways - but now the funeral's on thursday and i can't decide if i want to come back for it or not
- saw my cousin tonight that's HIV+ - she's in the hospital for pneumonia right now so it was hard seeing her like that. she's lost so much weight and has no teeth because they were making her sick. she looks so old too. and you could feel her pain outside of her door. you could feel her pain. god it was thick. definitely cried and told her that i loved her and would pick her up and take her to my mom's house in GA when she got better to spend a few days. these are the times when i wonder what the hell God is up to. it just seems so wrong you know? her sons are so handsome and wear their hearts on their sleeves.
- decided to just fuck seri and be done with the drama. not because he wants me to but because i want to. partially makes me a ho because i'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend but whatever. tired of looking out for everybody but me...tired, man.
- trying to decide if i'm going to hit one of my cousins up for a plane ticket to come back for the funeral. i feel like i should be here even though i don't want to. god i don't want to see her like that. i want to remember her the way that she was. full of life and getting on my nerves you know? she was like my 17th mother. with this many strong women in a family, it tends to be that way. and she was so strong. so it's hard to see her weakened by cancer one final time you know?

i think tha'ts all i got. we're leaving soon so i'm going to go lay down so i can drive us home. hope all is good with everybody. going to bed.

Wasn't going to admit this - but i gotta. cause i'm still surprised at myself. apparently i'm more of a freak than i thought i was. when i brought the aussie back to my street, he kept trying to get me to let him come up. that wasn't happening cause i left my keys with my roomate and didn't want to face her when i brought him up. so i decided to just talk and make out with him outside. let me tell you - that was something else. pretty sure i got a little boob action ("how big are they? double d? good for you. i didn't know they were that big"), sweet nothings ("i wish i'd met you 15 months ago before i met my fiance....you're beautiful") and fingered on the street. that's right - you read it right. he said he wanted to taste my "sweet black pussy" and before i knew it - my drunk ass was pinned up against a gate on the sidewalk with a man i'd just met getting some finger action. good times...

guess i just needed to confess... :-)

at the risk of sounding weird and crazy i texted seri yesterday to ask if he was ok. i woke up from my mid morning nap crazy worried about him. like nauseous and what not. i didn't even dream about him was the weird thing. so i told him it was weird and i knew it. but couldn't shake it. if he wasn't fine, there was nothing i could about it, i guess. but since he said he was, it made me feel better although the feeling lingered until late that night. there's something going on with him. I've always felt that way. ever since i met him. but, oh well, that's his issue. he's not an honest individual so he wouldn't have told me even if something was wrong. him and his vague answers to everything. i wouldn't ask him so many questions if i thought he was being truthful about things. whatever. so i decided this morning that enough was enough with him. i took his number and texts out of my phone and i'm just going to live and let live at this point. it's not even about yesterday. it's about him propositioning me all of the time and if i can't make it or don't want to do anything, he's pissed and doesn't talk to me for a few days. but when i do have time or want to see him, he doesn't respond. not even to say that he can't make it. well, that's a lie, kinda. he'll sometimes respond and say that he's on his way and then he won't come. then keep texting me to see if i'm up still or if i'm waiting still. it's annoying and childish. like i'm always supposed to be on his schedule. well, fuck that. i have enough things keeping me occupied than worrrying about his trifling ass. i know, i know. that sounds pretty angry - i do like him as a person. but this persona he puts up drives me crazy.

in other news. i've still been losing weight. so that's good. taking some diet pills and drinking coffee (apparently they work better mixed with caffeine) and trying to get back in shape. i've kind of let myself go. so that's a little frustrating. but i'm on my way back kids. and this time it's for me. i'm running low on the pills though and that's a little scary, but i'm good right now.

alright, i better get back to work. that's the reason i drove out here. 6 day work weeks suck ass. oh well. life goes on.

ok so there's this guy that i've been KIND OF talking to and i thought i'd start blogging about him. if you don't know the back story you'll think i'm stupid. if you do, you'll find it amusing. so here goes the boy report:

THE boy will from now on be called Seri because I think anonymity is good and also it's short for "Seriously?!"

seri came by this afternoon. i was talking to red as usual and he thought it'd be cute to stop by. i haven't really "talked" to him since the argument we had a couple of weeks ago. so it was a little surprising that he stopped by. he walks in my cube, looks me up and down while we're talking and winks at me like we're having some double entendre conversation that red (girl i work with) isn't privy to. then he leaves. i'm mildly annoyed that he does that. if you want a relationship, then fine. come up to my desk at work and talk about nothing at all. but if you want to just make out, then i don't need meaningless conversation at work. it just sparks rumors and nosiness from people that i don't want in my business. we've talked about this before and seri said he had "no preconceived notions" whether this was a "friendship" or a relationship. well, i have notions about this setup. CHOOSE. relationship or no? cause it's annoying when you ask what i did during the weekend and then raise your eyebrows when i say i went out. if it's not a relationship, then you don't get to be jealous and i don't have to waste my time trying to make you happy. oh well. this is why women are crazy. boys like seri with their "no preconceived notions" talk and then treating you like you're somewhere between a whore and a wife.

good times kids...

The beginning...again

i had one of these before and well, i erased it. i know it's stupid, but i was hoping that i was done with it all. all of the complaining and feeling badly about myself. all of the eating issues and sexual abandonment issues. they're not as bad as others...not enough to have me locked down and evaluated, but god, it's tough sometimes. like today. i feel ok sitting down, but once i start moving around here at work and seeing my reflection in all of the conference room windows, it's going to be bad. i know because it's an everyday occurence. i start the day feeling good and then on comes my work sweater. it's my security blanket. yeah, it's cold in here sometimes. but not so much so that i need to wear it every day like a uniform. or better yet, a coat of armor. but i do and that's the reality of it.

today i'm not going to complain about how huge i feel or how much i suck at eating normally. although i do on both accounts. i'm just going to say that today i am 169.5 and am praying that the ephedrine and coffee i've ingested will bring that number down a little more. i just want to be smaller. i want to be pretty. it's not about control, it's about perfection. not messing up. not making stupid mistakes all of the time. i get so tired of being the fat, dumb girl in the group. ok so i said i wasn't going to go there today right?

i think the trigger this time was the food diary. when two fit girls ask you to do a food diary with them so you can lose weight, don't do it. one is a perky runner who eats extremely healthy. to the point that you want to hit her when she complains about being fat. and the other is a maternal lebanese girl who feels it's her duty to make sure that you understand exactly where you're going wrong in all areas of your life and propose unwanted ways of fixing things that you're fine with or don't have the strength or energy to change right now.

i shouldn't have done the food diary. i should have said no and kept my life to myself but i did. because i'm a people pleaser. and now i'm stuck in what is about to be a lie. i'm going to tell them that i ate more than i did yesterday so i can get out of the hotseat on that. i had coffee, ephedrine and two nekot crackers. that's a whopping total of about 115 calories. and i'm proud. i am. i hate to admit it. but i am. i want this so badly. i want 150 so badly. i can almost taste it. today i want to do the same as yesterday - or better. i want to forego the food and taste the strength that comes with not eating. the strength that comes with resisting a grumbling stomach. this is my chance.

to be me. a prettier version of me. a more together version of me. a version of me that i've never known. a version of me that's not breaking inside. no matter how happy i am, i'm always breaking inside and it sucks. if you've never been there, then you don't understand. i carry everyone's pain. i carry everyone's guilt. i carry everyone's expectations and just can't let go. it's so much sometimes. my god. here i go again complaining.

anyways...i'm back and hopefully won't be depressing every time i appear now. hopefully. i need this...no expectations, no weight, no food, just me. all of me. every ugly little piece of me.