drove back to chicago from ga yesterday. pretty sure it was one of the worst drives i've had in a long time. i cried through most of georgia and tennessee. it sucked. it just hit me the night before last at my parents' house that she really is gone you know. i couldn't control it. so sad and lame. i texted seri while i was gone to have him come over when i got back into town for some self-medicating. but i couldn't bring myself to do it last night. too tired and emotionally fragile. if i was ever going to fall in love or attachment with him, it'd be now. so i decided to let it ride out for a while until i'm a little stronger. if not, i'll treat him like a boyfriend and that is not the way i want it to be. so that's that.

well, got tons more to say but i think i'm going to pack it up and go home now. drama i tell you. drama.

things...

- don't know how much i weigh right now which is bothering the hell out of me
- my aunt died on my way home from chicago so we came up to philly anyways - but now the funeral's on thursday and i can't decide if i want to come back for it or not
- saw my cousin tonight that's HIV+ - she's in the hospital for pneumonia right now so it was hard seeing her like that. she's lost so much weight and has no teeth because they were making her sick. she looks so old too. and you could feel her pain outside of her door. you could feel her pain. god it was thick. definitely cried and told her that i loved her and would pick her up and take her to my mom's house in GA when she got better to spend a few days. these are the times when i wonder what the hell God is up to. it just seems so wrong you know? her sons are so handsome and wear their hearts on their sleeves.
- decided to just fuck seri and be done with the drama. not because he wants me to but because i want to. partially makes me a ho because i'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend but whatever. tired of looking out for everybody but me...tired, man.
- trying to decide if i'm going to hit one of my cousins up for a plane ticket to come back for the funeral. i feel like i should be here even though i don't want to. god i don't want to see her like that. i want to remember her the way that she was. full of life and getting on my nerves you know? she was like my 17th mother. with this many strong women in a family, it tends to be that way. and she was so strong. so it's hard to see her weakened by cancer one final time you know?

i think tha'ts all i got. we're leaving soon so i'm going to go lay down so i can drive us home. hope all is good with everybody. going to bed.

Wasn't going to admit this - but i gotta. cause i'm still surprised at myself. apparently i'm more of a freak than i thought i was. when i brought the aussie back to my street, he kept trying to get me to let him come up. that wasn't happening cause i left my keys with my roomate and didn't want to face her when i brought him up. so i decided to just talk and make out with him outside. let me tell you - that was something else. pretty sure i got a little boob action ("how big are they? double d? good for you. i didn't know they were that big"), sweet nothings ("i wish i'd met you 15 months ago before i met my fiance....you're beautiful") and fingered on the street. that's right - you read it right. he said he wanted to taste my "sweet black pussy" and before i knew it - my drunk ass was pinned up against a gate on the sidewalk with a man i'd just met getting some finger action. good times...

guess i just needed to confess... :-)

at the risk of sounding weird and crazy i texted seri yesterday to ask if he was ok. i woke up from my mid morning nap crazy worried about him. like nauseous and what not. i didn't even dream about him was the weird thing. so i told him it was weird and i knew it. but couldn't shake it. if he wasn't fine, there was nothing i could about it, i guess. but since he said he was, it made me feel better although the feeling lingered until late that night. there's something going on with him. I've always felt that way. ever since i met him. but, oh well, that's his issue. he's not an honest individual so he wouldn't have told me even if something was wrong. him and his vague answers to everything. i wouldn't ask him so many questions if i thought he was being truthful about things. whatever. so i decided this morning that enough was enough with him. i took his number and texts out of my phone and i'm just going to live and let live at this point. it's not even about yesterday. it's about him propositioning me all of the time and if i can't make it or don't want to do anything, he's pissed and doesn't talk to me for a few days. but when i do have time or want to see him, he doesn't respond. not even to say that he can't make it. well, that's a lie, kinda. he'll sometimes respond and say that he's on his way and then he won't come. then keep texting me to see if i'm up still or if i'm waiting still. it's annoying and childish. like i'm always supposed to be on his schedule. well, fuck that. i have enough things keeping me occupied than worrrying about his trifling ass. i know, i know. that sounds pretty angry - i do like him as a person. but this persona he puts up drives me crazy.

in other news. i've still been losing weight. so that's good. taking some diet pills and drinking coffee (apparently they work better mixed with caffeine) and trying to get back in shape. i've kind of let myself go. so that's a little frustrating. but i'm on my way back kids. and this time it's for me. i'm running low on the pills though and that's a little scary, but i'm good right now.

alright, i better get back to work. that's the reason i drove out here. 6 day work weeks suck ass. oh well. life goes on.

ok so there's this guy that i've been KIND OF talking to and i thought i'd start blogging about him. if you don't know the back story you'll think i'm stupid. if you do, you'll find it amusing. so here goes the boy report:

THE boy will from now on be called Seri because I think anonymity is good and also it's short for "Seriously?!"

seri came by this afternoon. i was talking to red as usual and he thought it'd be cute to stop by. i haven't really "talked" to him since the argument we had a couple of weeks ago. so it was a little surprising that he stopped by. he walks in my cube, looks me up and down while we're talking and winks at me like we're having some double entendre conversation that red (girl i work with) isn't privy to. then he leaves. i'm mildly annoyed that he does that. if you want a relationship, then fine. come up to my desk at work and talk about nothing at all. but if you want to just make out, then i don't need meaningless conversation at work. it just sparks rumors and nosiness from people that i don't want in my business. we've talked about this before and seri said he had "no preconceived notions" whether this was a "friendship" or a relationship. well, i have notions about this setup. CHOOSE. relationship or no? cause it's annoying when you ask what i did during the weekend and then raise your eyebrows when i say i went out. if it's not a relationship, then you don't get to be jealous and i don't have to waste my time trying to make you happy. oh well. this is why women are crazy. boys like seri with their "no preconceived notions" talk and then treating you like you're somewhere between a whore and a wife.

good times kids...

The beginning...again

i had one of these before and well, i erased it. i know it's stupid, but i was hoping that i was done with it all. all of the complaining and feeling badly about myself. all of the eating issues and sexual abandonment issues. they're not as bad as others...not enough to have me locked down and evaluated, but god, it's tough sometimes. like today. i feel ok sitting down, but once i start moving around here at work and seeing my reflection in all of the conference room windows, it's going to be bad. i know because it's an everyday occurence. i start the day feeling good and then on comes my work sweater. it's my security blanket. yeah, it's cold in here sometimes. but not so much so that i need to wear it every day like a uniform. or better yet, a coat of armor. but i do and that's the reality of it.

today i'm not going to complain about how huge i feel or how much i suck at eating normally. although i do on both accounts. i'm just going to say that today i am 169.5 and am praying that the ephedrine and coffee i've ingested will bring that number down a little more. i just want to be smaller. i want to be pretty. it's not about control, it's about perfection. not messing up. not making stupid mistakes all of the time. i get so tired of being the fat, dumb girl in the group. ok so i said i wasn't going to go there today right?

i think the trigger this time was the food diary. when two fit girls ask you to do a food diary with them so you can lose weight, don't do it. one is a perky runner who eats extremely healthy. to the point that you want to hit her when she complains about being fat. and the other is a maternal lebanese girl who feels it's her duty to make sure that you understand exactly where you're going wrong in all areas of your life and propose unwanted ways of fixing things that you're fine with or don't have the strength or energy to change right now.

i shouldn't have done the food diary. i should have said no and kept my life to myself but i did. because i'm a people pleaser. and now i'm stuck in what is about to be a lie. i'm going to tell them that i ate more than i did yesterday so i can get out of the hotseat on that. i had coffee, ephedrine and two nekot crackers. that's a whopping total of about 115 calories. and i'm proud. i am. i hate to admit it. but i am. i want this so badly. i want 150 so badly. i can almost taste it. today i want to do the same as yesterday - or better. i want to forego the food and taste the strength that comes with not eating. the strength that comes with resisting a grumbling stomach. this is my chance.

to be me. a prettier version of me. a more together version of me. a version of me that i've never known. a version of me that's not breaking inside. no matter how happy i am, i'm always breaking inside and it sucks. if you've never been there, then you don't understand. i carry everyone's pain. i carry everyone's guilt. i carry everyone's expectations and just can't let go. it's so much sometimes. my god. here i go again complaining.

anyways...i'm back and hopefully won't be depressing every time i appear now. hopefully. i need this...no expectations, no weight, no food, just me. all of me. every ugly little piece of me.