and it continues...

i'm so tired of him. :-) same shit different day really.

the past few days have been fine. we talked and it was good. then today he came up and we talked and it was good. then we were talking about being muslim...and that's when the girlfriend mention came up. he asked me why i'm not muslim like my the men in my family. (a lot of my cousins are black muslims) and i said that i'm not submissive enough and that i wouldn't fit in with them. so he's teasing me about that. and he says that at least my husband could have multiple wives and i said that that wasn't for me, especially with a husband. you can feel it coming can't you...? so i asked him why he wasn't muslim, that it seemed to be right up his alley. I don't think he liked that. but he said that he already had one and he didn't think he could handle another one. "one beats you down, but two will kill you." yep - pretty much stabbed me in the heart with that one. so funny how a passing statement like that can draw blood. amazing.

last night i was thinking about this whole thing again and decided that i needed to change my perspective of him and me, myself, my eating, everything. i reminded myself of the woman that i was. i'm a good woman (i was watching grey's anatomy and they kept repeating that) and i deserve good things. i deserve to have a good man. i deserve to live the kind of life that makes me happy. not only do i deserve to make myself happy, but i'm good woman because i make other people happy. i carry people's burdens. i'm told that i'm cute. i'm told that i'm a good listener. that i'm trustworthy. that i'm a good secret keeper. that i'm intuitive. that i help people live fuller lives. and that makes me happy. and i should be doing that. why aren't i? because i keep letting this eating disorder rule my life.

i need to start taking a step back and figuring out what i'm doing. my life for the past few years has been a series of eating episodes, crying, and toilet trips - whether to throw up or shit out the 12 laxatives i took a few hours ago. it's sadistic and self-deprecating and yet i'm addicted. i'm addicted to feeling bad about myself and throwing up my food. i'm addicted to the pain of life and let men hurt me . i don't need that and i shouldn't stand for it. but i do.

i need to change it. i need seri to leave me alone and i need to move on to doing things that make me happy again. i need to live...

the writing's on the wall...

i got my handwriting analyzed at work on Friday. one of the women that i've worked on a couple of projects with did it for me. so great. i loved it. when she started she was saying all of these nice things about me real general like. you know, like a psychic reading. but then, she said "ok, are you ready for the bad stuff?" i was. i was intrigued and dreading it all at the same time. and we'd agreed ahead of time that she could be as honest as she wanted. well, it turns out that i have perfectionistic qualities that result in my low self-esteem. she said it shocked her because i seem so laid back and content with myself. i thought that was interesting. so apparently, this facade that i put up, DOES work. so that was encouraging. i keep thinking that if i put up the facade strong enough and long enough - it'll be me eventually.

then i had all kinds of emotion this weekend, analyzing the seri thing again. seriously, the man has made me all introspective. i guess that's good as long as it doesn't go overboard. i've been thinking about why i let him treat me the way that he does. why i go back and forth between being his whore and wanting to be his girlfriend. well, as i was crying and watching movies this weekend, i found that i've always just been 2nd place in mens' lives. all of the men in my life have seemed to have separate lives that took precedence over me. so strange to think about. but at least i realize it now right? so i'm on the verge of fixing those feelings. i need to do better and just be better. i'm tired of hating myself so much.

eating was ok this weekend. didn't overdo it, hadn't purged in a little bit (at least since the previous weekend) and then last night happened. i rolled through wendy's last night on my way home, got a spicy chicken meal with chicken nuggets on the side and a large sprite, and had at it. so gross. but so necessary it seemed. i'm tired of crying and being so emotional. when purging, i cry but it's not the same - it's more tearing up than anything. it's a byproduct of the physical release.

anyways enough of that. other than being emotional, i've been good. went to a birthday party this weekend and then took a friend out to Boystown for a little gay partying. he hasn't been able to meet anyone in the suburbs because everyone's so in the closet out west. so that was a good time. i love hanging out with him. i'll tell more stories about him next time. then you're guaranteed a funny post (or at least i'll attempt to be funny).

i feel good today - kinda. i'm in one of those moods where i could go either way. i could either be completely fine and have the best day just going about my business. or i could feel everything really deeply. so i'm riding it out. on the way to work today, i decided to be calm and stress free. i listened to the radio and took my time getting here. i even put on some eye liner and mascara this morning before going to work. i just want to look nice and pretend that i feel that way even if i don't.

i've been thinking about seri more (of course) and i'm just trying to get a handle on this whole thing. i have a feeling that this could go on for the next couple years if i let it. he'd let me call and have him come over again and again as much as i wanted. so i really need to keep working to get over him. even if that means that i have a few bad days - it'll be worth it. it's like quitting smoking. i need to cut him off cold turkey. if i sleep with him again, i'll have to go through this again - and i really don't need that. i have a feeling i'll slip up though. i'm hornier than a bitch in heat all the fricking time! but anyways - i digress...

in the case that i slip up i need a game plan. what course of action do i take?

1. i'm thinking that i'll have to enforce his leaving right after regardless of the situation. if we're just "friends" then i don't have to have a reason that you can't stay - you just can't. so get the hell out. ahem, i mean - please leave now. laying around and talkking is no good after sex unless you want intimacy with that person. if you don't want to be my boyfriend, then i'm going to need you to not build up a false intimacy with me.

2. i'm going to need to not call or text him. this may cut out the sex in the first place - if i can actually enforce this. when i'm drinking, my fingers have a mind of their own. and man, are they stubborn! i always end up wanting a good fuck when i'm drunk - and he's amazing. whew...i'm getting heated just thinking about it.

3. i need to stop talking about him so much - here and in real life. i need to start telling most people that i'm done with it so that maybe it will become a reality. the more i practice being done, the easier it will be to actually be done with it.

so that's what i've got.

eating-wise...i've been purging every day here recently - multiple times - except the past two days. Friday night was the worst i think. i purged about 5 times after work that night. then took laxatives on Sunday. it's amazing when you look in the mirror and have the realization that you're killing yourself. i can't explain how that feels. it's the strangest feeling - you feel so numb and helpless. what's even worse than that, is when you don't even see yourself as the person in the mirror. the person you're killing is just a person that deserves to die. i want her to die most times. i don't want her to feel. i don't want her to be here. she's taking up my space. she's seperate from me - completely. strange. and so tiring.

for the most part, i'm ok. purging is keeping most of my demons at bay. keeping that girl that feels and hates the ED in the mirror. And that sucks but i'm ok. i think that's why this whole seri thing is killing me. because the girl in the mirror wants it so badly and she's fighting for it whether it's good or not so she has some freedom to feel. so she can come out every now and then from glass prison and experience life.

i'll have to think on this a little more.

oh to be chosen...

and so i'm having a hard time today with this whole seri business. i've been strong. i haven't texted or emailed (except to see when i'm getting my money for the concert ticket). but today, he looks good (he's wearing an orange/peach shirt that i love) and i haven't really seen him. man, i suck!!



so here's the rant...



i don't know what to do. i want to be with him. right now. in this moment. i want to be with him. i want to be his girlfriend and do all the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. i want to hold hands and give him a kiss before i leave places. i want to call him "baby" or some other pet name that makes people want to throw up and/or hit me at any given moment. i want to have inside jokes with him. i want to be able to touch him all over whenever i want. i want to call and share things with him that matter to me.



but on the other hand...i don't want to call. i told him to choose and i want him to choose. i want to know what capacity of friendship he wants. i mean, i know, but i want him to say it. i want him to tell me out loud, to my face instead of trying to bullshit me all the time. i don' t know what else to say or do. what should i expect from him? am i asking too much?



my heart is a little heavy right now. so i've been leaving work at 5 regardless of the time that i've gotten here so that i can leave before he does in hopes of seeing him but not seeing him. it makes me yearn for him when i see him, but if i don't see him, i wonder about him. i'm such a girl.