life has been life here lately. but not an ocd life of seri-ness either - just life. went to a family reunion in philly where i got completely trashed and my cousins had to take care of me. then came back to chicago where i ran into seri in the hallway and had a decent convo with him. it was fine. and the best part of it was that i felt little of nothing. it's fading ever so slowly - which i appreciate more than you appreciate not hearing about it. i've been eating like a normal person and not starving or purging or berating my mind at all. appalling right?? i know. that is...until Friday.

Friday, I felt awful. just terrible. it hit me like a ton of bricks that i was just so fat and unlovable. seriously...where does that even come from after almost a month of doing fine? i'd like to know so i can kick the shit out of it for real. then i saw seri - and really - it's not even about him because we all know that he's an asshole. it's the idea of not being good enough to be loved. so i saw him talking to this girl and looking at me. they probably weren't talking about me, but it really was all i could do to keep myself together. at that point, i lost my appetite (we were on our way to lunch), hated my outfit, and just wanted to disappear. so ridiculous i know.

friday night i took laxatives for the first time in months. it was the worst/best thing ever. i'd forgotten how much the pain takes over your mind and you really don't have time to obsess over anything. it's the same way when you're not eating. the constant thought of calories keeps your mind occupied. purging gets all of the emotion out so you don't have to feel. crazy. crazy. crazy.

so that's that. i was doing fine being "normal" until something in me cracked on friday. now i'm back on the "normal" track. maybe this time i can do it for months instead of weeks.

i'm trying...

Happy Monday!!

hope everyone is doing fine. I have spent the past 4 days taking the train into the City, walking around the Taste of Chicago, going to festivals and plays, and really, just being free and wonderful.

i really did have a great weekend.

didn't think about seri too much. didn't obsess about food too much. didn't purge at all. didn't starve at all. i was normal and fine and free. i finally feel like myself. i even got more of my apartment squared away. i'd taken a hiatus from getting things together since i'd moved because i got overwhelmed and caught up in myself. but this weekend things went a lot smoother than i thought and i was just great and able to get some things done. so when i got Philly in a week and a half i won't come back to cluttered apartment. it'll actually be nice to come home and be in my own space.

i've calmed down a lot since the seri engagement. i was supposed to go to a party that he was supposedly going to as well. but thankfully, i didn't make it to the party. so i didn't have to even speculate how i'd act around him. i didn't have to think about if he was going to bring his fiance or try to come home with me. so that was good. i actually don't even have anything to say about him really besides that. i'm actually ok today. of course, i always want to see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria but it's more of an insecurity check than anything. i want to know that he thinks i'm attractive. that's all. i don't even want to see him for him.

anyways - i hope that everyone is doing well and maybe i'll have something funny to talk about next time i log in. i'm on my way up kids!!

Seri's engaged!!

i found out last night. as I was being told, I was fine. this person doesn't know anything about him and me, so i didn't want my reaction to be what gave it away. then i called my best friend and that's when the tears started.

funny thing is, it's not even him. i don't want to be with him anymore (although, as i've said before, i want his sex). lately, i've been feeling like 29 is the end of the world for me. i know it's not. and i won't be 29 until October. but for some reason (it's usually hormonal - imagine that) i tend to get very emotional about it. the other day i scared myself thinking that i only had like 9 good years left which means that i only have 108 chances to have a baby. which really, is not going to happen unless i'm in a relationship with someone, preferably married. which leads into why i was so emotional - i was throwing a tantrum. the "when am i going to get married" tantrum. seriously - i didn't even think i was ready for marriage until a few months ago and definitely not with seri.

so that's that. seri's getting married. he came up to my desk yesterday and talked to me for about 30 minutes and still didn't tell me. i guess he doesn't owe me that, but really, if he's going to talk about us having sex while he 's at my desk (it's true) then he can tell me he's engaged. he really is an asshole. :-)

besides that, i've been craving Kentucky Fried Chicken wings and this vegetable salad / dip - not necessarily together, but that'd be fine if it was. damn period. bless my heart if one of those 108 eggs actually comes to fruition cause whoever fathered that thing is going to have some serious "i'm having a baby and i'm craving crazy shit in the middle of the night" buying times.