i haven't updated in forever, i know. but there are some things that i need to get off my chest these days.

let me take you back to Nov 15...
a friend of mine just had a baby. so i went to visit. on the way i called and asked if she'd like me to bring anything and wine was the suggested gift. so i go to the grocery store and pick up 3 bottles. one for us to drink, one for her to have and one for me. well turns out we drank all 3 bottles. because she laid a bomb on me (You might be able to see where this is going...).

"girl, i have a secret"
"oh you do do you? what's that?"
"i've been sleeping with seri for 4 years now"

well, i thought i was going to throw up all over myself. it was like some crazy fucking dream. i couldn't believe it. i could see him liking her but not her liking him. it was (and still is) all surreal to me. so she proceeds to tell me all the details of her relationship with him. i was shocked, dumbfounded, speechless, etc. i couldn't find the words to tell her. i couldn't even eat the dinner she'd made us.

it was a crazy happening. and i realized as she was telling me all of this, that she wanted me to share. i think she's had a feeling about me and him but didn't know for sure. i'm sure she thought that i would come right out and tell her. but i didn't. i gave him hell for it though. i must have called him every pussy ass nigga, scumbag muthafucka that i could think of.

so we fought all day at work on monday - through text which is very classy, adult and professional. i suggest that everyone try it. it was great. basically he said that he hadn't slept with her or anyone else at work for that matter, "but to be 100 i wouldn't put anyone out there like that even if i did". there's no doubt in my mind that he's been sleeping with her.

back to today, December 14...
she's back from maternity leave today and i am not ok. i was finally getting ok with how things were after him and i fought. but now i'm not feeling so good. i feel incredibly fat. i feel crazy for arguing with him about it. i feel stupid for continuing a relationship with him when i knew that he had a girlfriend, then a fiance. but all those things don't matter anymore.

i just need to pull it together and move on. because i have in some regards, but truth be told, i haven't completely. but her being here will force me to. she's makes me feel not good enough. not sexy enough. he treated her better than he treated me (in my mind) and that sucks. the rotation was mostly me and her but wow...it definitely breeds competition in me.

i have speculations and paranoid/intuitive thoughts about him and her. i have emotions about him not talking to me. i have emotions about him thinking that i'm crazy. i have emotions about everything. but at this point, i'm trying to remember that i'm better than that. i don't have to rely on his attention to feel good. i don't have to rely on him saying hi to feel normal. all i have to do is learn my lesson and move on.

so one step at a time i'm moving on. i needed to get it off of my chest today because it was so awkward talking to her this morning. mostly the same but a little awkward. and then we saw him and he avoided us. then i saw her baby's picture and although she says that it's someone else's baby - i think it's his.

and although i know i was a bootycall, it still hurts a little. because, as i was telling a friend, we're not friends and that hurts more than not sleeping with him. there's no connection anymore - but there is. i'm confused and mad. i told him that he keeps telling me that i'm his friend but apparently we have different definitions of what a friend is supposed to be. i told him that after a certain point i didn't try to make him my boyfriend. i even tried to not be friends with him at all but he kept fighting me and telling me that he wanted to be friends. i told him how i didn't understand that. and i'm not angry because he was sleeping around. i expected that. i'm angry that he continually puts me in bad situations with his wife, his friends, my friends - over and over again. and to me that's not what a friend does. and i told him that he always makes me step outside of myself and say things that i wouldn't normally say and that's not healthy.

that's my story - and that's my day. i need to kick it into gear and get over him. i'm trying but man, is it hard. but he's leaving work Jan 15 (another story for another day) so maybe life here will be better when he's gone.