i'm back and i'm sure there's no one that reads this anymore. but i thought i'd write anyways. i have a lot on my mind right now.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

updates:

eating has been a bitch. a friend told me that i had bad eating habits and that didn't help since i'm the healthiest that i've been in a long time. i threw up again about three weeks ago. i hate that i do that. go for a while and then somehow lose my mind and head back to the place where i was. i've made a lot of missteps lately. so anyways as i was saying - i threw up and busted capillaries in my face and my eyes were hella puffy when i woke up. crazy shenanigans. so i had to come to work with looking like i got some back alley acupuncture that made my eyes puffy. going lie right now is "i think i'm allergic to vodka". since the night before i'd been out with friends in Boystown drinking and dancing the Thursday night away. so fun until i stopped for McDonalds at 4 am.

i slept with seri - again. it had been about 3 months or so. and for some reason i caved. it was hot and not emotional. which was great at first but now it has perpetuated the cycle again. and i hate myself for it. well hate is a strong word. i'm not "depressed" about it like i was before, but i know now that there's no just being content here and working with him. i really am going to have to leave here and just not be in contact with him which sucks cause i really like our mutual friends. but i'm thinking i'm going to have to drop them too just for safety's sake. i've never had to not be in a relationship with someone that i see all of the time. growing up in the military is great in the way that it lets you experience different cultures and see other places however, it sucks in the dealing with life's biggest issues sometimes. we moved every 2 to 3 years of my life. if i broke up with a boyfriend it really wasn't an issue because one of us was usually moving so we wouldn't see each other without much effort anyways. so that was that. very different when you live in neighboring counties and therefore take the same way home and work in the same office - even if you don't officially work on the same projects.

other than that, life is essentially fine. my little brother - he's 20 - informed me yesterday that he'd like to join the US Air Force. Ugh. that was definitely not on my list of things that i wanted to give my brother advice about. he's a man. he can make his own decisions. but i don't want him to do it and i told him. i mean, seriously, who joins the military in the middle of a war because he doesn't know what to do with his life? yeah - not so much a good reason eh? so i told him that i thought that he needed to just take a break. drop his college class load down a little so he has some free time, dump his girlfriend that he's been fighting with, and go out and really find out what he wants to do. there are so many jobs out there, it's just a matter of finding your niche you know? i try not to tell him what to do. our parents do a good job of that. my dad told him he was stupid for wanting to do that - which i agree but said it differently. he also told him that he joined the military and struggled through life so that my brother and i didn't have to. my brother didn't get it. he thought my dad was being a tool and just trying to stunt his growth as a man. but really my dad is just worried. and he knows the pains of the military. not being around family because you're too far away, losing touch with friends you grew up with, stability of being in one place with a support system, having to pick up and go when you're orders are delivered, being separated from your family in times of war...my brother doesn't remember the times my dad had to leave for war. he was so young. he didn't feel the disappointment and worry when my dad wouldn't call when he said he would because he couldn't. when my dad had to leave for months - sometimes a year - at a time to work on some special "confidential" project. crazy. my brother just thinks that it's going to buy him some time to figure out where his life is going. so this week he's going to talk to a recruiter. the older sister in me wants to kick him in the balls and tell him that that's a bad idea. but the friend in me said to call before he goes so we can go through questions that he needs to ask and discuss it afterward to see what he thinks afterward. i wish i could point him in the right direction, but lord knows, i'm struggling myself. :-)

so that's what's happening in Chi-city. i hope all is well where you are.