i'm frustrated with my job today. very frustrated. i'm at the point of saying, "if you're going to lay me off, could you do it already?" why drag out the inevitable? really? i'm tired. so tired.

tonight the plan is to refill out my school application for The Chicago School of Psychology - the irony is not lost on me. i would like to finish my essay this week as well. i was supposed to have it done earlier last week for sure and of course i just couldn't do it. so this week i need to step it up and get it done. today is the day that i feel for sure that i need to get the hell up out of dodge.

in other news, a couple of friends and i are giving a bellydance/sex seminar this weekend. it's going to be soooo fun. i can't wait. i'm a little worried about it, but right now, we're pretty much breaking even as far as the money that we put in. so that's good. the first two hours are going to be bellydancing. the ladies that attend will be learning a choreographed dance with "7 sensual moves" to do for their significant other or lover. at the end of that part of the seminar, they can purchase the cd with the music for each dance on it. the second part of the seminar, we are having a woman that owns a sex toy shop come in and give a "talk/demonstration" about loving yourself and someone else - sexually. also, we are planning to have a cash bar, a vendor to sell bellydance belts and accessories, and we're going to be giving away door prizes that were donated by various vendors. i think it's going to be a successful venture. if you know anyone in the chicago area that would like participate, it's on Feb 7 at Studio 57 on 57th and Western. It starts at 1 pm and costs $35. it's going to be sooo much fun!!

so reality keeps slapping me in the face. i was a bootycall for sure. and i knew that. but part of me wanted it to go deeper than that. so i'm being a girl and whining to myself (and you) about it. i suck.

i'm tired.

we have been having layoffs at work off and on. the first one was in november and the second one was last week. we're supposedly having another on in february which scares the shit out of me. i wouldn't worry so much if i was in GA with my family. but since i'm up here alone and at a particularly weak point in my life, i'm a little worried. i know that i'll need to man up and get myself together but really, it's just worrisome thinking about what all i would need to do to make it. i'm not one of those people that has 3 months of rent saved up for just a situation as this. yep, i'm one of those people that always thought a tv, trip, shoes, late nights of boozing were way more important than saving money. yep - i'm going to need to not repeat that in the future. :-)

other than that, i've been procrastinating a lot. to the point that i'm annoying myself. so i can only imagine how other people must feel dealing with me right about now. it's good times.

oh - life...i love it but why it so aggravating all of the time?? seriously - can't a girl catch a break?

I DID IT!!

so half of the battle has been won! we didn't talk like we were supposed to and i asked him when that was going to happen. he said later on this week. annoying as usual. so i told him that was fine - we didn't have to talk. then he's like - why? i like talking to you. so i went through the motions reminding him of what i said last week in the text about not wanting to do this anymore and said that i meant that. he asked why and i told him. he says he understands but i don't believe that. so that was surprisingly easy. now the hard part is going to be sticking to my guns about the whole thing.

so that's been my day today. now i'm thankful that we don't hang out that often together in public. it would be a lot harder to deal with if we did.

now on to turning in school applications - for real this time. i'm checking things off the list...

i did it...

so last night we all (the work group) went to birthday party for a guy that we work with at a bar downtown. it was definitely a good time. seri was there and that was fine too. we had a good time talking and dancing - a little. since no one at work knows about us, we can't really be seen together. so that was a little frustrating.

this morning i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. that the whole thing was just too much and that being in that situation with all of our work friends just showed me that it wasn't going to get any better. that it'd always be a situation where we couldn't just chill and have a good time. so i didn't want to do it anymore. as you can see, i did it the nice way - even though he doesn't really deserve it. he texted back and told me that he wanted to talk about it when we both got back into town this weekend. i don't know what there is to talk about. regardless of this situation and the reason that i said i couldn't be with him - he's getting married!! we shouldn't be together anyways!! i shouldn't have to give a reason - it's innate. you're marrying the woman that you supposedly love - HELLO!!

so anyways that's that. like i said, i'm trying to get out this time. i've had enough pain. first with the ED - and that never goes away. the craving to purge is almost palpable sometimes. now seri - i'm working on getting another job in the field of counseling that i want to go into (crisis counseling). after i'm not at this job anymore and seeing him everyday, it'll be easier to deal with not being with him.

you know what's coming...

seri and i are still seri and i. it's slowed down a lot from what it was, but somehow it's a little more intimate than it was too. and i really don't know what to think of it all. yep, there's that again.

so i talked to seri the friday after the blow out and just told him that i wanted to clear the air because i was tired of being mad at him. it really exhausts me. so he came upstairs and we talked about it. he tried to lighten the situation and say that the guy that hit on me was probably doing so because he thought i was cute and did i ever think about that? well i did and i let him know that it crossed the line from just hitting on me to something a little more serious. he didn't say anything about that - and he doesn't know that it struck a nerve because of the assault that i had before. which i'm not one to just divulge that kind of information in order to get bonus sympathy points or anything like that. then he told me that he didn't tell anyone except his friend that lives a few miles from me - he didn't even tell his best friend at the office (which i still think is a lie). so i just said that he was the only one at our job that i was sleeping with and that i didn't appreciate even the thought of him telling people that i would sleep with his friends, etc. so after my spiel he said that he would never say anything like that about me and he was sorry that that happened, but he wasn't saying anything about me. and he said that it didn't matter what the guy said anyways because it wasn't true - to which i reminded him that it doesn't matter if it's true or not. people believe what they want and i've already put myself in a bad situation dealing with him at all. so that was that. i was still mad after talking to him. for most of the "fight" i just sat and stared at him while he was talking, trying to read him and also trying to find the best way to say all of the angry things that were floating through my mind.

needless to say, i forgive entirely too easily and have just kind of brushed the whole thing off. not entirely but for the most part. i should say that we've mended things not that i've brushed it off. part of the reason is that after i thought about it for a while i remembered that we'd both been at a happy hour gathering together and gotten a little drunk. and although we thought we were being slick with our side glances and light touches, i know now that we weren't and assume that that is how M knew that something was going on. not because seri was running his mouth - although he may have.

that leads into what i'm thinking about now. the other night seri texted and asked if he could stop by and say hi. obviously i don't care. so i told him that i was rearranging furniture and cleaning but he could stop by. i just needed to take a shower - so let me know when he was on his way. also - this was 11pm - AKA - bootycall hour. he said fine he'd be there in about 30 minutes. (to his credit he also offered to meet for lunch the next day too if that night wasn't good for me, but i was going to a Bears game and said that that night would be fine.) so he came over and we just sat on the couch and talked. it was great and comfortable and just nice. i loved it, of course. but i was waiting for him to make his move. this was obviously a bootycall - which again, i was ok with. (i'm so weak). but we talked for a lot longer than i thought we would and started playing around and he was tickling me and what not - then came the kiss. great kiss. but i stopped it and said "i thought you just stopped by to say hi" - i threw it back at him only because that's what he kept telling me. that he'd stopped by on his way home to say hi. so we walked to the door and kissed - and it all fell apart. totally ended up "doing it". he kept saying afterward that he really did just stop by to say hi.

i think i'm being a girl and just falling for bullshit at this point because i want to believe it. i do think that he wanted a bootycall. but at the same time he did want to see me and talk to me and hang out. i don't understand what he has with this girl that he's with and what he has with me. i asked him the other day what it would take for him to be completely comfortable marrying her and he said he doesn't know. now, i'm not deluding myself and thinking that he's going to tell me that he's not marrying her and wants to be with me (although part of me would love for that to happen) but i am confused. he keeps throwing me for a loop. like before he left the other night. we talked more and it's just so damn comfortable and nice with him. i need to just walk away instead of thinking about why he's doing the things that he's doing. we have some crazy connection - and it's not just because we've slept together. like today he emailed and told me that his mom isn't doing well and she's really struggling financially. the other night, he was telling me that he applied for a new job - and it was so sad. not just on my part, but he was sad telling me about it. he really opened up to me about it and was asking how i felt about it and i just said that there was no point in worrying about something that he had no control over. but that i thought he would get the job and really, that he deserved the job (he's good at what he does). i just threw me again, because it was like i was hanging out with my boyfriend and i didn't think that he felt that way but it seemed like he did. and it made all of the times that he's hurt me and we talked about it, seem like he was really telling the truth - and he really didn't mean it.

so now i'm partially grieving this new level that we've come to because it won't/can't last and partially celebrating it because i love it.

when i talked to my sister about this the other day and was crying and telling her that i didn't know what to do about this, she asked me if i loved him - and i said no. i didn't completely lie to her. i don't love him yet, but it's getting there - and i'm almost at the point of accepting that i'm going to get seriously hurt in this whole thing and keeping it moving.

so stupid.

and so the saga continues...

it's another seri story...

it's going to be confusing but i need to get it out of me and well, you're the lucky audience.

seri and i were still hanging out and occasionally sleeping together. but no one was supposed to know about it besides the people i like to call the "givens". in this case, i told the girl that i work with and a girl that i used to work with and i assumed that he'd told a guy that he works with and his best friend that lives like 3 miles from me. apparently, he's running his mouth to more people than that which is why i'm so pissed today but saw coming. (have i mentioned before that i'm stupid?)

so the friday before last, a girl's husband hit on me at a company happy hour we went to. we were sitting at the bar together and he kept mentioning my boobs. then he kept asking to look down my shirt. then we went to a girl's townhouse for the "after party". not just us, but everybody from the bar - and even at the girl's house, he was all up in my space. but at this point, he was asking me to sleep with him. it was not cool. it got to the point where it was scary and he was pulling on me and just wouldn't take no for an answer. this guy is friends with seri and is married to a girl that i've been becoming better friends with. i was really mad about that. spitting mad. and i figured that seri had been runing his mouth to his friends and mentioned us sleeping together. not only to the "givens" but to other people too.

this is when i got concerned because it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and seconds to destroy one. that's what my parents have always taught me and that's what i live by. which is why i didn't want anyone knowing about us from the beginning.

well, while i was in philly visiting family, a friend we'll call A, calls to tell me that she talked to the girl who's husband hit one me (we'll call M) and M basically asked her if seri and i had slept together. at this point, i know for sure that seri's been running his mouth because there was no way for her to know or even suspect anything about it since i don't talk to her about stuff like that. so the only way she could have known is if seri told her husband and her husband told her. it sincerely pisses me off and makes me want to get the hell up out of dodge.

so saturday when i got back in to town from philly, seri texted to see where i was, of course, and i didnt' answer. i went to my apartment, turned on the lights and hoped that he'd drive by and see the lights on and realize that i just stood him up to do nothing but sit on my couch. it actually turned out to be the best part of my weekend. but i wouldn't tell him that.

he came up today to talk to me and i couldn't even turn around and look at hi. i was so pissed. he kept asking me what was wrong and usually, i'd just tell him. but today i just said that i didn't even have it in me to talk to him right then and i just really didn't want to talk about it period. so he emailed and asked if i was ok and what happened. he'd said at my desk that it wasn't friendly for me to not return his text and i told him i wasn't feeling all that friendly towards him lately.

so i just emailed him back and told him that i'm done dealing with him. i'm sick of the bullshit. I didn't tell him this, but my reputation is on the line and i'm not willing to kill my rep for him. i'm stupid, but my god...give me a little bit of credit. i like him, but i'll get over it. and if it means that i can't hang out with people because they're primarily his friends or he's going to be around, then so be it. i'm sick of it.

long time no write...

the update:

i'm still messing around with seri. it's a long story that i'm sure you don't want to hear about. frankly, i bore myself complaining about this and not doing anything to stop it. i'm not as emotional about it. i've actually been weening myself off of him. so now i'm the chick that sleeps with taken men. it's awesome. i hate myself a little for that.

food is still the enemy. but a little less so. i did a liquid detox for 3 weeks that kicked the purging into high gear. the purging gave me a license to cheat. i could eat what i wanted and get rid of it which meant that i still did ok on the detox. i'm stupid really. so i finished with that and i lost a pant and shirt size. so i look better than i did, but haven't had a chance to really get used to it yet. and i still feel as fat ever. sometimes even fatter which is strange. i don't think i'll ever be right. i thought if i got down to 145 i'd be fine, but i touched that weight and thought "135 is just around the corner". not cool. i don't know where i'll stop.

got hit on by two married men this weekend. one is my friend's husband and the other doesn't wear a ring. crazy. my friend's husband just wouldn't leave me alone. and he kept saying that i needed to just do it. that she would never find out and i didn't need to be afraid of her. so crazy. apparently there's a sign on my forehead that says that i'll do any married or engaged within 5 miles. whatever. the other guy, i knew liked me but i didn't realize that he was married because he never wears a ring. i don't understand that. but that's me.

other than that, everything's great. i talked to a girl that does the kind of counseling that i want to do and found that it's community/crisis counseling. so that's exciting. i'm looking at different programs now to see what would be the best fit. i'm scared shitless to be back in school, but i'm going back - i really am.

so that's life as we know it. a lot stupid, a little content, and a little scary.