168.0

i texted seri against my best thoughts. i suck basically. but whatever. i told a friend of mine that i was done with him and the drama that is "not us" and she said, "you've said that before." it's true. i think this is what desperate looks and feels like. i only want to sleep with him because i need closure i think. how ridiculous is that? this is what crazy looks like people. right here - step on up to the glass. i won't bite. no good can come from my sleeping with him, but that's what i want and unless he protests - that's what i'll end up getting.

eating has been a bitch here lately too. i'm becoming psychotic and not ok with eating certain things. it's like some weird internal list of foods that are and are not ok. last night we went to a mexican restaurant and ordered drinks and appetizers. i had a taste of this and that but mostly chips and salsa. i had some chicken flautas, chicken quesadillas, guacamole, half a crab cake, a mojito, and a taste of margarita with a glass of water. then promptly went into the bathroom to purge what i could in a "normal" amount of bathroom time which wasn't much. then i had to wait for my face to lose some puffiness and redness. i hate that my eyes stay so glossy for so long afterwards. blah - hazards of the purge, i guess. it was on my mind the whole drive home, so i purged as soon as i got home too. never done that before. it was a whole hour later and i still got stuff up. so i purged as hard as i could at that point and gargled with listerine like that helps anything. so that was that.

today was when i noticed that i had an eating list. as i was walking around the cafe downstairs at work, i noticed that i was snubbing food as to whether or not it was acceptable and weighing the purge option. so weird to be outside of yourself like that. i kept hearing myself say, i could eat that, but i'd have to purge it. " "if i ate that, i'd have to purge at least half of it - i couldn't keep all of that down or i'd be a fat ass." crazy. i don't want to become that person. next thing you know, i'll be eating vegetables and running 20 miles a week. people always ask why i dont work out. not because i don't want to, but because i know i'd become addicted and be the person that has to outrun, out elliptical, outdo basically everyone else or i was a failure. and the way that i become addicted to things - i know it's just a matter of time before that become an obsession. and really, if i didn't see the scale move, it'd push me further into the ed. i'm already trying not to go home and take laxatives. it's consuming my mind. that's what i planned for tonight. this weekend really. laxatives and cleaning. basically cleaning out my body, room, and life. that's what purging is all about right?

i realized today - well maybe yesterday, that i've been skipping lunch and dinner too. funny how i know what i'm doing because, hello, i live in my body - i live this life, but at the same time i have random realizations about things i'm doing like i wasn't there. so anyways - it was yesterday that i realized that i hadn't been eating at lunch lately because i had lunch and freaked the hell out. i kept putting off taking the ephedrine i bought and then decided that i didn't need it. whatever. my stomach was begging for all of the food it could handle. i was ravenous. so after lunch i went and purged some water in the bathroom. i let it go with the water. i don't want to be the girl that purges at work. and although i felt like a fat ass the rest of the day, somehow the water purge helped calm the drama in my head.

well, i think that's all i've got for tonight. i'm trying to get down to 165 this weekend. i know it will all be water weight, but if i can get there with the laxies, then i can stay there with the ephedrine. i just want to be 150 and tone up. that's all. then i can end my psychosis and just be a normal person. i know that everyone says that, but i mean it.

alright - i think that's enough for tonight. i'm heading out.