things...

- don't know how much i weigh right now which is bothering the hell out of me
- my aunt died on my way home from chicago so we came up to philly anyways - but now the funeral's on thursday and i can't decide if i want to come back for it or not
- saw my cousin tonight that's HIV+ - she's in the hospital for pneumonia right now so it was hard seeing her like that. she's lost so much weight and has no teeth because they were making her sick. she looks so old too. and you could feel her pain outside of her door. you could feel her pain. god it was thick. definitely cried and told her that i loved her and would pick her up and take her to my mom's house in GA when she got better to spend a few days. these are the times when i wonder what the hell God is up to. it just seems so wrong you know? her sons are so handsome and wear their hearts on their sleeves.
- decided to just fuck seri and be done with the drama. not because he wants me to but because i want to. partially makes me a ho because i'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend but whatever. tired of looking out for everybody but me...tired, man.
- trying to decide if i'm going to hit one of my cousins up for a plane ticket to come back for the funeral. i feel like i should be here even though i don't want to. god i don't want to see her like that. i want to remember her the way that she was. full of life and getting on my nerves you know? she was like my 17th mother. with this many strong women in a family, it tends to be that way. and she was so strong. so it's hard to see her weakened by cancer one final time you know?

i think tha'ts all i got. we're leaving soon so i'm going to go lay down so i can drive us home. hope all is good with everybody. going to bed.