i had one of these before and well, i erased it. i know it's stupid, but i was hoping that i was done with it all. all of the complaining and feeling badly about myself. all of the eating issues and sexual abandonment issues. they're not as bad as others...not enough to have me locked down and evaluated, but god, it's tough sometimes. like today. i feel ok sitting down, but once i start moving around here at work and seeing my reflection in all of the conference room windows, it's going to be bad. i know because it's an everyday occurence. i start the day feeling good and then on comes my work sweater. it's my security blanket. yeah, it's cold in here sometimes. but not so much so that i need to wear it every day like a uniform. or better yet, a coat of armor. but i do and that's the reality of it.
today i'm not going to complain about how huge i feel or how much i suck at eating normally. although i do on both accounts. i'm just going to say that today i am 169.5 and am praying that the ephedrine and coffee i've ingested will bring that number down a little more. i just want to be smaller. i want to be pretty. it's not about control, it's about perfection. not messing up. not making stupid mistakes all of the time. i get so tired of being the fat, dumb girl in the group. ok so i said i wasn't going to go there today right?
i think the trigger this time was the food diary. when two fit girls ask you to do a food diary with them so you can lose weight, don't do it. one is a perky runner who eats extremely healthy. to the point that you want to hit her when she complains about being fat. and the other is a maternal lebanese girl who feels it's her duty to make sure that you understand exactly where you're going wrong in all areas of your life and propose unwanted ways of fixing things that you're fine with or don't have the strength or energy to change right now.
i shouldn't have done the food diary. i should have said no and kept my life to myself but i did. because i'm a people pleaser. and now i'm stuck in what is about to be a lie. i'm going to tell them that i ate more than i did yesterday so i can get out of the hotseat on that. i had coffee, ephedrine and two nekot crackers. that's a whopping total of about 115 calories. and i'm proud. i am. i hate to admit it. but i am. i want this so badly. i want 150 so badly. i can almost taste it. today i want to do the same as yesterday - or better. i want to forego the food and taste the strength that comes with not eating. the strength that comes with resisting a grumbling stomach. this is my chance.
to be me. a prettier version of me. a more together version of me. a version of me that i've never known. a version of me that's not breaking inside. no matter how happy i am, i'm always breaking inside and it sucks. if you've never been there, then you don't understand. i carry everyone's pain. i carry everyone's guilt. i carry everyone's expectations and just can't let go. it's so much sometimes. my god. here i go again complaining.
anyways...i'm back and hopefully won't be depressing every time i appear now. hopefully. i need this...no expectations, no weight, no food, just me. all of me. every ugly little piece of me.
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