steve harvey morning show is what gets me through the morning every morning. they are so funny and steve reminds me of my dad. same kind of humor and vocal mannerisms. so funny. so everyday they have the strawberry letter that shirley reads and gives advice about. it's a play on strawberry letter 23 and shirley's last name is strawberry. anyways - this morning, the letter was about this girl who says that she's very attractive and because of this she's always had problems with men wanting her. she says that right now she has a boyfriend and five men that want to be with her. One man, she said, has even threatened to kill her if she doesn't get back with him and she wants to know what to do. so usually at this point, shirley would be the voice of reason and give the woman some stable advice. then steve would come on and give the funny, but true advice after that. this time shirley didn't have anything to say and steve just said that this woman was crazy. he basically said that at some point she must have needed closure and keeps talking to these men - egging them on - and what not. so that's why she's having problems. that got me to thinking about seri's dumb ass again. closure is what i needed when i told him that i didn't want to see him anymore. so i got that and then we had another "talk" and that killed part of the closure for me. so now i keep thinking that i need to tell him that i'm serious and really just can't be his friend. but i don't need to do that. i don't need that kind of closure, i have it. steve was saying that women need closure to move and men move on to get closure. so that's where i'm at right now. that cleared up what i'd been thinking about. so i'm really not going to contact him anymore at all. i've already taken his number out of my phone and am working on forgetting it now. that will be good for me. and so will this vacation.

after seeing sex and the city the other day, i was driving home and thinking about random things and it just came to me. i am always apologizing for myself - if i'm not wearing an outfit that i think is up to par - i make an excuse about it. or if my shoes are what i think are quite right for the outfit i'm wearing - i make an excuse for that too. so i was thinking that i need to stop doing that. i barely ever care about anyone's outfit and if i think something's cute, then i should wear it and let that be that instead of feeling like if i'm not perfect, there's something wrong with me. i don't know why i have this crazy standard of perfection in my head that i have to reach all of the time. so i'm trying to relax and just do me. wear what i think is cute even if i feel like my body isn't perfect (i.e. fat arms and thighs). i need to just love myself. unconditionally. i can love other people through just loads and loads of bullshit - i don't even hate seri - but i don't treat myself the same way and i should. so i'm working on it. loving myself.

that's an amazing concept to me. i keep having these kinds of revelations that other people just inherently know and it's so weird to me that i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to love myself for who i am. i am always trying to be better - the best - perfect. some unknown, crazy "perfect". my cousin told me the other day that he's proud of where i am in life and that i should be sharing that with other people. people that need to know that there is another life outside of living on and in the streets selling themselves and drugs and doing whatever. and you know what i told him? i'm not there yet. i can't help anybody until i get to the next level. with that attitude, i'll never help anybody. it's like preparing to have kids, you'll never have them if you have to prepare and be in this perfect place in life. no one is ever ready for it. so i need to chill out and start living my life like it's golden. stop worrying about the craziness and the drama and let it go. let it be what it is and pull people up along the way as i'm making my life better.

no purging for three days. if i can make that into another 3 weeks then i should be happy. it's a long time and i should be proud of myself for what i accomplished. not downing myself because i slipped up. one day i'll stop and i'll be able to help someone else that's going through this and it will have all been worth it.

and now i must process invoices - my least favorite part of printing...

i've been listening to marvin gaye all afternoon. i love him. if he were still alive i'd totally be a groupie. the man speaks to my soul. it's been raining for the past hour or so here and it's making me tired. i'm glad the warm weather is here, but now it's cramping my style with all of the rain. i need less rain and more sun.

i thought about seri a lot last night while i was trying to sleep and i've come to the conclusion that i really don't want to be friends with him in any sense of the word. the more i don't talk to him, the more clarity i get and the more i realize that i was right for cutting him off. i do miss him though. he's fun to talk to and of course i miss his body. but you know, it's not worth the crazy i feel when i'm dealing with him.

i purged this weekend. and it had nothing to do with seri this time. and it felt so good. but so awful at the same time. i don't know if i'll ever be able to stop completely. i think it will continually be one of those things that i do on occasion. i hope one day i can stop, but i doubt it. it always comes back.

i'm going to florida on thursday and coming back to chicago on Tuesday. i can't wait. i get to see a friend and my sister and her family. i miss them so much. and i hate that i am missing so much of my neice's life. i got to enjoy my nephew but my neice doesn't know me as well.

anyways - sorry i feel like debbie downer. today is actually fine. i feel good about myself and what i wore to work. i haven't been fiening for seri today. so all is well. promise.

discombobulated thoughts...

i keep trying to think of what to say. i keep trying to have it all make sense in my head and i just can't. i don't know what the problem is or where the disconnect is, but i don't understand it.

we talked yesterday. he was mad that i'd sent the text telling him that i didn't want anything else to do with him because he still hasn't paid me for the concert. he doesn't understand that it's not about the money. i even told him to keep it. it's just the fact that over and over again i keep telling him that i feel disrespected and somehow he doesn't understand it. he doesn't understand that i might need that money for something and for him to keep promising it to me and then not delivering might put me in a bad situation. thankfully that's not the case, but that's the point. he feels like it's not the case and so he does what he wants. i kept telling him that it wasn't about the money, i don't want the money, i don't NEED the money...i need him to leave me alone. and part of this is obviously my fault because after i sent him the text regarding the money he kept saying that we had unfinished business, etc and he was going to talk to me. so i texted him the other day and told him i had a question - so he called friday but i was out of the office. so i emailed yesterday and asked what he needed. so he called and asked me what my question was - so i told him that i didn't want to talk about it at work. so what does he do? he comes upstairs to talk to me at my desk. i was sooooo heated with him. i could feel fire shooting from my eyeballs. so anyways we were talking about the money and he kept saying that he would pay me for it and i kept telling him that i didn't want the money. that it wasn't about the money.

so then he challenges me to tell him when he's been disrespectful to me. um, hello, what about the girl at the party? suddenly he's stammering and telling me that he doesn't even really remember what happened because he was so wasted that night. "AND" he says, "I apologized for that." i thought i was going to hit him. i told him that if he apologized to someone it wasn't to me. so he apologized then.

then he said that i called him soft when he was telling me that he couldn't go to the concert. he says he was trying to open up to me. but really, seriously, what was i supposed to do? just listen to him go on and on about her and the new guy that she's dating? i don't want to hear that shit. my god. i'm already trying to keep it together and i'm barely doing that - let alone to have to endure the bullshit of a love triangle. we also talked about his living with his ex - which i don't like at all. "but that's another story altogether" i said. that started a discussion of "what do you want to know about? do you want to know about this? what about this? what about this?"

anyways - it came down to us being friends. pure friends. he said (being a smart ass) that he didn't know we needed an instruction book. and i told him if it hadn't been so fucking convoluted, we wouldn't need one. so he kept asking me what my question was and what i wanted to know and i said i didn't have a question and didn't want to know anything else. that's when he decides to tell me that he's back with her. they've been back together for the past two weeks or so. yeah - pretty much gutted me right there.

needless to say, i'm a little upset about this whole thing. he ways that he decided that they needed a second chance at it. that he hadn't been fair to her and he needed to give it another try. try to make it work. fine, i told him. i can respect that, i said. inside i was dying and wanted to leave and just cry. but i didn't and i haven't yet. but i did purge for the first time in 3 weeks. i don't know what else to do. i don't know how to handle this whole thing. i'm so angry with him and myself for letting myself fall for him. i knew better but i still just did it.

when i talked to my mom last night, she said that he's confusing her. that on one hand he's telling me that he doesn't want a relationship with me, but when i tell him that i don't want it either, then he's in my face telling that he's pissed that i would go so far as to take away my friendship over money.

my question was: Why does it matter...why does he care so much...? what does he have to lose? some pride? a girl that finds him attractive? there will be more of them. i don't know.

so that's my saga right now. i don't know what to think or if the feelings i'm feeling are even valid. my heart hurts and i'm cranky today. i'm angry at him because i like him and maybe he does like me. but it's not enough right now. he chose her over me and i don't know if i can come back from that right now. i need a break from life and it can't come soon enough. i feel like we broke up and that's my own stupid fault because we were not even dating and i let myself get attached.

i officially suck.

and it continues...

i'm so tired of him. :-) same shit different day really.

the past few days have been fine. we talked and it was good. then today he came up and we talked and it was good. then we were talking about being muslim...and that's when the girlfriend mention came up. he asked me why i'm not muslim like my the men in my family. (a lot of my cousins are black muslims) and i said that i'm not submissive enough and that i wouldn't fit in with them. so he's teasing me about that. and he says that at least my husband could have multiple wives and i said that that wasn't for me, especially with a husband. you can feel it coming can't you...? so i asked him why he wasn't muslim, that it seemed to be right up his alley. I don't think he liked that. but he said that he already had one and he didn't think he could handle another one. "one beats you down, but two will kill you." yep - pretty much stabbed me in the heart with that one. so funny how a passing statement like that can draw blood. amazing.

last night i was thinking about this whole thing again and decided that i needed to change my perspective of him and me, myself, my eating, everything. i reminded myself of the woman that i was. i'm a good woman (i was watching grey's anatomy and they kept repeating that) and i deserve good things. i deserve to have a good man. i deserve to live the kind of life that makes me happy. not only do i deserve to make myself happy, but i'm good woman because i make other people happy. i carry people's burdens. i'm told that i'm cute. i'm told that i'm a good listener. that i'm trustworthy. that i'm a good secret keeper. that i'm intuitive. that i help people live fuller lives. and that makes me happy. and i should be doing that. why aren't i? because i keep letting this eating disorder rule my life.

i need to start taking a step back and figuring out what i'm doing. my life for the past few years has been a series of eating episodes, crying, and toilet trips - whether to throw up or shit out the 12 laxatives i took a few hours ago. it's sadistic and self-deprecating and yet i'm addicted. i'm addicted to feeling bad about myself and throwing up my food. i'm addicted to the pain of life and let men hurt me . i don't need that and i shouldn't stand for it. but i do.

i need to change it. i need seri to leave me alone and i need to move on to doing things that make me happy again. i need to live...

the writing's on the wall...

i got my handwriting analyzed at work on Friday. one of the women that i've worked on a couple of projects with did it for me. so great. i loved it. when she started she was saying all of these nice things about me real general like. you know, like a psychic reading. but then, she said "ok, are you ready for the bad stuff?" i was. i was intrigued and dreading it all at the same time. and we'd agreed ahead of time that she could be as honest as she wanted. well, it turns out that i have perfectionistic qualities that result in my low self-esteem. she said it shocked her because i seem so laid back and content with myself. i thought that was interesting. so apparently, this facade that i put up, DOES work. so that was encouraging. i keep thinking that if i put up the facade strong enough and long enough - it'll be me eventually.

then i had all kinds of emotion this weekend, analyzing the seri thing again. seriously, the man has made me all introspective. i guess that's good as long as it doesn't go overboard. i've been thinking about why i let him treat me the way that he does. why i go back and forth between being his whore and wanting to be his girlfriend. well, as i was crying and watching movies this weekend, i found that i've always just been 2nd place in mens' lives. all of the men in my life have seemed to have separate lives that took precedence over me. so strange to think about. but at least i realize it now right? so i'm on the verge of fixing those feelings. i need to do better and just be better. i'm tired of hating myself so much.

eating was ok this weekend. didn't overdo it, hadn't purged in a little bit (at least since the previous weekend) and then last night happened. i rolled through wendy's last night on my way home, got a spicy chicken meal with chicken nuggets on the side and a large sprite, and had at it. so gross. but so necessary it seemed. i'm tired of crying and being so emotional. when purging, i cry but it's not the same - it's more tearing up than anything. it's a byproduct of the physical release.

anyways enough of that. other than being emotional, i've been good. went to a birthday party this weekend and then took a friend out to Boystown for a little gay partying. he hasn't been able to meet anyone in the suburbs because everyone's so in the closet out west. so that was a good time. i love hanging out with him. i'll tell more stories about him next time. then you're guaranteed a funny post (or at least i'll attempt to be funny).

i feel good today - kinda. i'm in one of those moods where i could go either way. i could either be completely fine and have the best day just going about my business. or i could feel everything really deeply. so i'm riding it out. on the way to work today, i decided to be calm and stress free. i listened to the radio and took my time getting here. i even put on some eye liner and mascara this morning before going to work. i just want to look nice and pretend that i feel that way even if i don't.

i've been thinking about seri more (of course) and i'm just trying to get a handle on this whole thing. i have a feeling that this could go on for the next couple years if i let it. he'd let me call and have him come over again and again as much as i wanted. so i really need to keep working to get over him. even if that means that i have a few bad days - it'll be worth it. it's like quitting smoking. i need to cut him off cold turkey. if i sleep with him again, i'll have to go through this again - and i really don't need that. i have a feeling i'll slip up though. i'm hornier than a bitch in heat all the fricking time! but anyways - i digress...

in the case that i slip up i need a game plan. what course of action do i take?

1. i'm thinking that i'll have to enforce his leaving right after regardless of the situation. if we're just "friends" then i don't have to have a reason that you can't stay - you just can't. so get the hell out. ahem, i mean - please leave now. laying around and talkking is no good after sex unless you want intimacy with that person. if you don't want to be my boyfriend, then i'm going to need you to not build up a false intimacy with me.

2. i'm going to need to not call or text him. this may cut out the sex in the first place - if i can actually enforce this. when i'm drinking, my fingers have a mind of their own. and man, are they stubborn! i always end up wanting a good fuck when i'm drunk - and he's amazing. whew...i'm getting heated just thinking about it.

3. i need to stop talking about him so much - here and in real life. i need to start telling most people that i'm done with it so that maybe it will become a reality. the more i practice being done, the easier it will be to actually be done with it.

so that's what i've got.

eating-wise...i've been purging every day here recently - multiple times - except the past two days. Friday night was the worst i think. i purged about 5 times after work that night. then took laxatives on Sunday. it's amazing when you look in the mirror and have the realization that you're killing yourself. i can't explain how that feels. it's the strangest feeling - you feel so numb and helpless. what's even worse than that, is when you don't even see yourself as the person in the mirror. the person you're killing is just a person that deserves to die. i want her to die most times. i don't want her to feel. i don't want her to be here. she's taking up my space. she's seperate from me - completely. strange. and so tiring.

for the most part, i'm ok. purging is keeping most of my demons at bay. keeping that girl that feels and hates the ED in the mirror. And that sucks but i'm ok. i think that's why this whole seri thing is killing me. because the girl in the mirror wants it so badly and she's fighting for it whether it's good or not so she has some freedom to feel. so she can come out every now and then from glass prison and experience life.

i'll have to think on this a little more.

oh to be chosen...

and so i'm having a hard time today with this whole seri business. i've been strong. i haven't texted or emailed (except to see when i'm getting my money for the concert ticket). but today, he looks good (he's wearing an orange/peach shirt that i love) and i haven't really seen him. man, i suck!!



so here's the rant...



i don't know what to do. i want to be with him. right now. in this moment. i want to be with him. i want to be his girlfriend and do all the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. i want to hold hands and give him a kiss before i leave places. i want to call him "baby" or some other pet name that makes people want to throw up and/or hit me at any given moment. i want to have inside jokes with him. i want to be able to touch him all over whenever i want. i want to call and share things with him that matter to me.



but on the other hand...i don't want to call. i told him to choose and i want him to choose. i want to know what capacity of friendship he wants. i mean, i know, but i want him to say it. i want him to tell me out loud, to my face instead of trying to bullshit me all the time. i don' t know what else to say or do. what should i expect from him? am i asking too much?



my heart is a little heavy right now. so i've been leaving work at 5 regardless of the time that i've gotten here so that i can leave before he does in hopes of seeing him but not seeing him. it makes me yearn for him when i see him, but if i don't see him, i wonder about him. i'm such a girl.