the writing's on the wall...

i got my handwriting analyzed at work on Friday. one of the women that i've worked on a couple of projects with did it for me. so great. i loved it. when she started she was saying all of these nice things about me real general like. you know, like a psychic reading. but then, she said "ok, are you ready for the bad stuff?" i was. i was intrigued and dreading it all at the same time. and we'd agreed ahead of time that she could be as honest as she wanted. well, it turns out that i have perfectionistic qualities that result in my low self-esteem. she said it shocked her because i seem so laid back and content with myself. i thought that was interesting. so apparently, this facade that i put up, DOES work. so that was encouraging. i keep thinking that if i put up the facade strong enough and long enough - it'll be me eventually.

then i had all kinds of emotion this weekend, analyzing the seri thing again. seriously, the man has made me all introspective. i guess that's good as long as it doesn't go overboard. i've been thinking about why i let him treat me the way that he does. why i go back and forth between being his whore and wanting to be his girlfriend. well, as i was crying and watching movies this weekend, i found that i've always just been 2nd place in mens' lives. all of the men in my life have seemed to have separate lives that took precedence over me. so strange to think about. but at least i realize it now right? so i'm on the verge of fixing those feelings. i need to do better and just be better. i'm tired of hating myself so much.

eating was ok this weekend. didn't overdo it, hadn't purged in a little bit (at least since the previous weekend) and then last night happened. i rolled through wendy's last night on my way home, got a spicy chicken meal with chicken nuggets on the side and a large sprite, and had at it. so gross. but so necessary it seemed. i'm tired of crying and being so emotional. when purging, i cry but it's not the same - it's more tearing up than anything. it's a byproduct of the physical release.

anyways enough of that. other than being emotional, i've been good. went to a birthday party this weekend and then took a friend out to Boystown for a little gay partying. he hasn't been able to meet anyone in the suburbs because everyone's so in the closet out west. so that was a good time. i love hanging out with him. i'll tell more stories about him next time. then you're guaranteed a funny post (or at least i'll attempt to be funny).