steve harvey morning show is what gets me through the morning every morning. they are so funny and steve reminds me of my dad. same kind of humor and vocal mannerisms. so funny. so everyday they have the strawberry letter that shirley reads and gives advice about. it's a play on strawberry letter 23 and shirley's last name is strawberry. anyways - this morning, the letter was about this girl who says that she's very attractive and because of this she's always had problems with men wanting her. she says that right now she has a boyfriend and five men that want to be with her. One man, she said, has even threatened to kill her if she doesn't get back with him and she wants to know what to do. so usually at this point, shirley would be the voice of reason and give the woman some stable advice. then steve would come on and give the funny, but true advice after that. this time shirley didn't have anything to say and steve just said that this woman was crazy. he basically said that at some point she must have needed closure and keeps talking to these men - egging them on - and what not. so that's why she's having problems. that got me to thinking about seri's dumb ass again. closure is what i needed when i told him that i didn't want to see him anymore. so i got that and then we had another "talk" and that killed part of the closure for me. so now i keep thinking that i need to tell him that i'm serious and really just can't be his friend. but i don't need to do that. i don't need that kind of closure, i have it. steve was saying that women need closure to move and men move on to get closure. so that's where i'm at right now. that cleared up what i'd been thinking about. so i'm really not going to contact him anymore at all. i've already taken his number out of my phone and am working on forgetting it now. that will be good for me. and so will this vacation.

after seeing sex and the city the other day, i was driving home and thinking about random things and it just came to me. i am always apologizing for myself - if i'm not wearing an outfit that i think is up to par - i make an excuse about it. or if my shoes are what i think are quite right for the outfit i'm wearing - i make an excuse for that too. so i was thinking that i need to stop doing that. i barely ever care about anyone's outfit and if i think something's cute, then i should wear it and let that be that instead of feeling like if i'm not perfect, there's something wrong with me. i don't know why i have this crazy standard of perfection in my head that i have to reach all of the time. so i'm trying to relax and just do me. wear what i think is cute even if i feel like my body isn't perfect (i.e. fat arms and thighs). i need to just love myself. unconditionally. i can love other people through just loads and loads of bullshit - i don't even hate seri - but i don't treat myself the same way and i should. so i'm working on it. loving myself.

that's an amazing concept to me. i keep having these kinds of revelations that other people just inherently know and it's so weird to me that i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to love myself for who i am. i am always trying to be better - the best - perfect. some unknown, crazy "perfect". my cousin told me the other day that he's proud of where i am in life and that i should be sharing that with other people. people that need to know that there is another life outside of living on and in the streets selling themselves and drugs and doing whatever. and you know what i told him? i'm not there yet. i can't help anybody until i get to the next level. with that attitude, i'll never help anybody. it's like preparing to have kids, you'll never have them if you have to prepare and be in this perfect place in life. no one is ever ready for it. so i need to chill out and start living my life like it's golden. stop worrying about the craziness and the drama and let it go. let it be what it is and pull people up along the way as i'm making my life better.

no purging for three days. if i can make that into another 3 weeks then i should be happy. it's a long time and i should be proud of myself for what i accomplished. not downing myself because i slipped up. one day i'll stop and i'll be able to help someone else that's going through this and it will have all been worth it.

and now i must process invoices - my least favorite part of printing...