i keep trying to think of what to say. i keep trying to have it all make sense in my head and i just can't. i don't know what the problem is or where the disconnect is, but i don't understand it.
we talked yesterday. he was mad that i'd sent the text telling him that i didn't want anything else to do with him because he still hasn't paid me for the concert. he doesn't understand that it's not about the money. i even told him to keep it. it's just the fact that over and over again i keep telling him that i feel disrespected and somehow he doesn't understand it. he doesn't understand that i might need that money for something and for him to keep promising it to me and then not delivering might put me in a bad situation. thankfully that's not the case, but that's the point. he feels like it's not the case and so he does what he wants. i kept telling him that it wasn't about the money, i don't want the money, i don't NEED the money...i need him to leave me alone. and part of this is obviously my fault because after i sent him the text regarding the money he kept saying that we had unfinished business, etc and he was going to talk to me. so i texted him the other day and told him i had a question - so he called friday but i was out of the office. so i emailed yesterday and asked what he needed. so he called and asked me what my question was - so i told him that i didn't want to talk about it at work. so what does he do? he comes upstairs to talk to me at my desk. i was sooooo heated with him. i could feel fire shooting from my eyeballs. so anyways we were talking about the money and he kept saying that he would pay me for it and i kept telling him that i didn't want the money. that it wasn't about the money.
so then he challenges me to tell him when he's been disrespectful to me. um, hello, what about the girl at the party? suddenly he's stammering and telling me that he doesn't even really remember what happened because he was so wasted that night. "AND" he says, "I apologized for that." i thought i was going to hit him. i told him that if he apologized to someone it wasn't to me. so he apologized then.
then he said that i called him soft when he was telling me that he couldn't go to the concert. he says he was trying to open up to me. but really, seriously, what was i supposed to do? just listen to him go on and on about her and the new guy that she's dating? i don't want to hear that shit. my god. i'm already trying to keep it together and i'm barely doing that - let alone to have to endure the bullshit of a love triangle. we also talked about his living with his ex - which i don't like at all. "but that's another story altogether" i said. that started a discussion of "what do you want to know about? do you want to know about this? what about this? what about this?"
anyways - it came down to us being friends. pure friends. he said (being a smart ass) that he didn't know we needed an instruction book. and i told him if it hadn't been so fucking convoluted, we wouldn't need one. so he kept asking me what my question was and what i wanted to know and i said i didn't have a question and didn't want to know anything else. that's when he decides to tell me that he's back with her. they've been back together for the past two weeks or so. yeah - pretty much gutted me right there.
needless to say, i'm a little upset about this whole thing. he ways that he decided that they needed a second chance at it. that he hadn't been fair to her and he needed to give it another try. try to make it work. fine, i told him. i can respect that, i said. inside i was dying and wanted to leave and just cry. but i didn't and i haven't yet. but i did purge for the first time in 3 weeks. i don't know what else to do. i don't know how to handle this whole thing. i'm so angry with him and myself for letting myself fall for him. i knew better but i still just did it.
when i talked to my mom last night, she said that he's confusing her. that on one hand he's telling me that he doesn't want a relationship with me, but when i tell him that i don't want it either, then he's in my face telling that he's pissed that i would go so far as to take away my friendship over money.
my question was: Why does it matter...why does he care so much...? what does he have to lose? some pride? a girl that finds him attractive? there will be more of them. i don't know.
so that's my saga right now. i don't know what to think or if the feelings i'm feeling are even valid. my heart hurts and i'm cranky today. i'm angry at him because i like him and maybe he does like me. but it's not enough right now. he chose her over me and i don't know if i can come back from that right now. i need a break from life and it can't come soon enough. i feel like we broke up and that's my own stupid fault because we were not even dating and i let myself get attached.
i officially suck.
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