i feel good today - kinda. i'm in one of those moods where i could go either way. i could either be completely fine and have the best day just going about my business. or i could feel everything really deeply. so i'm riding it out. on the way to work today, i decided to be calm and stress free. i listened to the radio and took my time getting here. i even put on some eye liner and mascara this morning before going to work. i just want to look nice and pretend that i feel that way even if i don't.

i've been thinking about seri more (of course) and i'm just trying to get a handle on this whole thing. i have a feeling that this could go on for the next couple years if i let it. he'd let me call and have him come over again and again as much as i wanted. so i really need to keep working to get over him. even if that means that i have a few bad days - it'll be worth it. it's like quitting smoking. i need to cut him off cold turkey. if i sleep with him again, i'll have to go through this again - and i really don't need that. i have a feeling i'll slip up though. i'm hornier than a bitch in heat all the fricking time! but anyways - i digress...

in the case that i slip up i need a game plan. what course of action do i take?

1. i'm thinking that i'll have to enforce his leaving right after regardless of the situation. if we're just "friends" then i don't have to have a reason that you can't stay - you just can't. so get the hell out. ahem, i mean - please leave now. laying around and talkking is no good after sex unless you want intimacy with that person. if you don't want to be my boyfriend, then i'm going to need you to not build up a false intimacy with me.

2. i'm going to need to not call or text him. this may cut out the sex in the first place - if i can actually enforce this. when i'm drinking, my fingers have a mind of their own. and man, are they stubborn! i always end up wanting a good fuck when i'm drunk - and he's amazing. whew...i'm getting heated just thinking about it.

3. i need to stop talking about him so much - here and in real life. i need to start telling most people that i'm done with it so that maybe it will become a reality. the more i practice being done, the easier it will be to actually be done with it.

so that's what i've got.

eating-wise...i've been purging every day here recently - multiple times - except the past two days. Friday night was the worst i think. i purged about 5 times after work that night. then took laxatives on Sunday. it's amazing when you look in the mirror and have the realization that you're killing yourself. i can't explain how that feels. it's the strangest feeling - you feel so numb and helpless. what's even worse than that, is when you don't even see yourself as the person in the mirror. the person you're killing is just a person that deserves to die. i want her to die most times. i don't want her to feel. i don't want her to be here. she's taking up my space. she's seperate from me - completely. strange. and so tiring.

for the most part, i'm ok. purging is keeping most of my demons at bay. keeping that girl that feels and hates the ED in the mirror. And that sucks but i'm ok. i think that's why this whole seri thing is killing me. because the girl in the mirror wants it so badly and she's fighting for it whether it's good or not so she has some freedom to feel. so she can come out every now and then from glass prison and experience life.

i'll have to think on this a little more.