and it continues...

i'm so tired of him. :-) same shit different day really.

the past few days have been fine. we talked and it was good. then today he came up and we talked and it was good. then we were talking about being muslim...and that's when the girlfriend mention came up. he asked me why i'm not muslim like my the men in my family. (a lot of my cousins are black muslims) and i said that i'm not submissive enough and that i wouldn't fit in with them. so he's teasing me about that. and he says that at least my husband could have multiple wives and i said that that wasn't for me, especially with a husband. you can feel it coming can't you...? so i asked him why he wasn't muslim, that it seemed to be right up his alley. I don't think he liked that. but he said that he already had one and he didn't think he could handle another one. "one beats you down, but two will kill you." yep - pretty much stabbed me in the heart with that one. so funny how a passing statement like that can draw blood. amazing.

last night i was thinking about this whole thing again and decided that i needed to change my perspective of him and me, myself, my eating, everything. i reminded myself of the woman that i was. i'm a good woman (i was watching grey's anatomy and they kept repeating that) and i deserve good things. i deserve to have a good man. i deserve to live the kind of life that makes me happy. not only do i deserve to make myself happy, but i'm good woman because i make other people happy. i carry people's burdens. i'm told that i'm cute. i'm told that i'm a good listener. that i'm trustworthy. that i'm a good secret keeper. that i'm intuitive. that i help people live fuller lives. and that makes me happy. and i should be doing that. why aren't i? because i keep letting this eating disorder rule my life.

i need to start taking a step back and figuring out what i'm doing. my life for the past few years has been a series of eating episodes, crying, and toilet trips - whether to throw up or shit out the 12 laxatives i took a few hours ago. it's sadistic and self-deprecating and yet i'm addicted. i'm addicted to feeling bad about myself and throwing up my food. i'm addicted to the pain of life and let men hurt me . i don't need that and i shouldn't stand for it. but i do.

i need to change it. i need seri to leave me alone and i need to move on to doing things that make me happy again. i need to live...