i feel good today - kinda. i'm in one of those moods where i could go either way. i could either be completely fine and have the best day just going about my business. or i could feel everything really deeply. so i'm riding it out. on the way to work today, i decided to be calm and stress free. i listened to the radio and took my time getting here. i even put on some eye liner and mascara this morning before going to work. i just want to look nice and pretend that i feel that way even if i don't.

i've been thinking about seri more (of course) and i'm just trying to get a handle on this whole thing. i have a feeling that this could go on for the next couple years if i let it. he'd let me call and have him come over again and again as much as i wanted. so i really need to keep working to get over him. even if that means that i have a few bad days - it'll be worth it. it's like quitting smoking. i need to cut him off cold turkey. if i sleep with him again, i'll have to go through this again - and i really don't need that. i have a feeling i'll slip up though. i'm hornier than a bitch in heat all the fricking time! but anyways - i digress...

in the case that i slip up i need a game plan. what course of action do i take?

1. i'm thinking that i'll have to enforce his leaving right after regardless of the situation. if we're just "friends" then i don't have to have a reason that you can't stay - you just can't. so get the hell out. ahem, i mean - please leave now. laying around and talkking is no good after sex unless you want intimacy with that person. if you don't want to be my boyfriend, then i'm going to need you to not build up a false intimacy with me.

2. i'm going to need to not call or text him. this may cut out the sex in the first place - if i can actually enforce this. when i'm drinking, my fingers have a mind of their own. and man, are they stubborn! i always end up wanting a good fuck when i'm drunk - and he's amazing. whew...i'm getting heated just thinking about it.

3. i need to stop talking about him so much - here and in real life. i need to start telling most people that i'm done with it so that maybe it will become a reality. the more i practice being done, the easier it will be to actually be done with it.

so that's what i've got.

eating-wise...i've been purging every day here recently - multiple times - except the past two days. Friday night was the worst i think. i purged about 5 times after work that night. then took laxatives on Sunday. it's amazing when you look in the mirror and have the realization that you're killing yourself. i can't explain how that feels. it's the strangest feeling - you feel so numb and helpless. what's even worse than that, is when you don't even see yourself as the person in the mirror. the person you're killing is just a person that deserves to die. i want her to die most times. i don't want her to feel. i don't want her to be here. she's taking up my space. she's seperate from me - completely. strange. and so tiring.

for the most part, i'm ok. purging is keeping most of my demons at bay. keeping that girl that feels and hates the ED in the mirror. And that sucks but i'm ok. i think that's why this whole seri thing is killing me. because the girl in the mirror wants it so badly and she's fighting for it whether it's good or not so she has some freedom to feel. so she can come out every now and then from glass prison and experience life.

i'll have to think on this a little more.

oh to be chosen...

and so i'm having a hard time today with this whole seri business. i've been strong. i haven't texted or emailed (except to see when i'm getting my money for the concert ticket). but today, he looks good (he's wearing an orange/peach shirt that i love) and i haven't really seen him. man, i suck!!



so here's the rant...



i don't know what to do. i want to be with him. right now. in this moment. i want to be with him. i want to be his girlfriend and do all the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. i want to hold hands and give him a kiss before i leave places. i want to call him "baby" or some other pet name that makes people want to throw up and/or hit me at any given moment. i want to have inside jokes with him. i want to be able to touch him all over whenever i want. i want to call and share things with him that matter to me.



but on the other hand...i don't want to call. i told him to choose and i want him to choose. i want to know what capacity of friendship he wants. i mean, i know, but i want him to say it. i want him to tell me out loud, to my face instead of trying to bullshit me all the time. i don' t know what else to say or do. what should i expect from him? am i asking too much?



my heart is a little heavy right now. so i've been leaving work at 5 regardless of the time that i've gotten here so that i can leave before he does in hopes of seeing him but not seeing him. it makes me yearn for him when i see him, but if i don't see him, i wonder about him. i'm such a girl.

the world as i know it...

the latest is that shawn and i are "friends".

and the story goes...
i had an extra concert ticket to see Jay Z and Mary J Blige (one of the best concerts ever, btw) and one of the friends that was supposed to go didn't want to at the last minute. so i was scrambling and trying to find someone else to take the ticket. i wasn't even going to ask him, but it came down to asking him or taking the loss. so i asked. he said he wanted to go - he just needed to find a sitter. when i asked a day later whether he'd found the sitter, he said that he hadn't and his ex was going with her new boyfriend. i didn't really know why he shared that information. so i decided that out of the choices, i'd pick the one that would mean i wasn't reading into what he was saying which would be that he tried to find a sitter, couldn't, and his back up sitter (the ex) was going so he couldn't go. turns out my instinct (and analysis) was correct - i should have read into it. he texted the next day (the day of the concert) and decided that he wanted to go. then he says "nevermind. i just can't stand to see her with him". to that, my response was to call (it got screened) and then text that he was most likely not going to see her anyways because there were going to be thousands of people there (it's at the united center where the bulls play basketball. there's no way he's seeing her there.) and that he needed to man up and decide what he wanted from her (and me). and "as a friend" i told him that he needed to get himself together and not let her presence dictate what he would do and wouldn't do. so he said he'd go. well, 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, he bailed. he called and said he couldn't do it. i refused to be mad about that and just calmly said that it was his choice and he needed to do what he felt. i was so annoyed with him that next week.

so i texted and asked him what we were...are we fuck buddies, friends, friends with benefits...what? he responds that i'm his friend and he knows his life is confusing right now. that pissed me off. not because he said we were friends, but because he's just now telling me that his life is "confusing". i kind of figured that after the series of texts about the ex. and when i asked him about all of this before - he didn't have anything to say. now he's telling me that he still has feelings for her. so i emailed him and said that i didn't mind being his friend, but he needed to treat me better. because every problem that i've had with him has come down to what i thought should have been a common courtesy response i.e.
1. If I say i'm calling you at a certain time and you say that's fine, you should either text me that it's not fine or let me know the next day what happened since you didn't pick up my call.
2. if you invite me to your birthday party and you've given me the impression that we're more than just "friends" and i see you making out with some girl - then i deserve an explanation or apology.
3. if i invite you to a concert that you know you're not going to regardless of the reason, don't waffle to the point that i can't find someone else to take the ticket - just tell me.

i don't think any of that is too much to ask. so i just said that if the concert situation would have happened with one of his boys - he would have had a different response and i didn't appreciate that. i said that just because i'm laid back doesn't mean i'm going to let him treat me any kind of way. that he was taking my kindness as weakness, etc. also, i said that i needed him to not talk to me about her in that way. telling me he has feelings for her is fine but i don't need to know that he can't stand to see her with "her new dude". because that strips him of his strength and that's what drew me to him. i said that he could be soft with me but if i was going to counsel him then we couldn't sleep together or anything because that would kill the attraction for me. so it was his choice. i told him to decide what he wants from me and let me know.

he hasn't responded. instead, he came up and talked to me like nothing happened. like i never sent the email although i know he got it. whatever.

so it comes down to my being an idiot for the umpteenth time. i hate that i do that. i hate that although i stand up for myself - i still let him get away with all of the shit that i wouldn't put up with from a friend or let a friend put up with. it's weird and stupid that i'm still letting him control me like this. but i like him so much and i can't shake it. i'm trying to, but i just can't. i'm trying not to get hurt, but he has this hold on me. he makes me feel pretty and attractive when i'm feeling so fat and ugly. when it's good, i don't purge. when i'm unsure, it's the worst trigger ever. i need to learn how to handle it all. i really do.

oh well - the eating update will come soon. it hasn't been so good here lately.

otherwise, i'm good...

so i'm jealous. i'm jealous of a girl that i think has no feelings for the guy that i'm sleeping with on occasion. i hate that i get like this. the problem is that i'm feeling like crap today. and she looks good. she has the body that i want - big boobs, big butt, smaller waist. i don't think either of them like the other, but it bothers me when i see her in his cube. especially because it's usually days that i feel like shit and am not dressed up - you know, days when i can't compete.

you know - it's funny that i'm jealous of this girl and i throw up in order to lose weight or maintain the weight i'm at. i'm actually in the 150s now - striving to get down to 130. that would be a US size 5 for me. then i'd feel better, i think. i'd feel normal. perfect for my size. i need to get there - so my weight can be one less thing to worry about it. one less thing on the checklist.

oh well - no more whining. tonight i resume packing and hoping that i get the apt that i applied for. for some reason this has been the most challenging apt hunt i've been on since i've gotten here. usually you apply for the apt and pay your security deposit and the apt is yours. this time i'm competing with someone through credit checks. and my current lease is up next Thursday, May 1. she's supposed to call and let me know if i have the apt tonight or tomorrow during the day. if i don't the get apartment, i'll need to find something right away on Thursday. I'll have to go into overdrive and just take what i can get i think. that's when it's good to be type A. and i'll have to let that part of me shine through.

these are the times when i feel so hypocritical about being a christian. because i've been living my life the way i want and now i'm getting on my knees for an apartment because i'm down to the wire. i should be following the christian way all of the time regardless of the situation - not just when i need something. i shouldn't be making deals with God when my back's against the wall. but i don't know what else to do in this situation. blah!

oh the stress of it all!!

i'm moving....

...again.

i'm so tired of moving. i've been in the chicago area for about 5 years and i've moved almost every year since i got here. and so, i've been looking for apartments again. and trying to find a place i could live in for 2 years at least. i think i found it yesterday. i just need to get myself together and get the application done. the woman is really nice and the condo is really spacious. so hopefully i'll get that done today and out of the way so i don't have to think about it. that'll be one thing i can definitely check off the list. Since my lease is up on May 1 - i'm kind of down to the deadline and just need to make sure that everything is together at this point.

on another note - a friend of mine lives in the town that i'm moving to - which would generally be a good thing right? well, i don't know. she's a little crazy. i'm crazy and ocd here, but she's crazy and clingy all the time with most of her friends. i didn't know this until i started really hanging out with her. so when i move i'm going to have to really lay the smack down on my boundaries. there are times when i don't want to be bothered and she's just going to have to deal with that. i hate being like that, and i know at some point it's going to become an issue. i'm dreading it. she's one of thoese people that would drive past your house after calling you, to see if you were really not home or busy when you declined hanging out with her. then call and tell you that she's knows you're home. so i'm kind of gearing up for that. and i might just be freaking myself out at this point, but better to be prepared for crazy and not have it you know?

i don't know how i find these people... maybe the crazy draws them in.

i don't know what i'm doing....

seri's back and i'm maintaining stupidity. i understand how annoying this saga is for everyone. but hey!! imagine being in it. i have no idea what i'm doing.

after the party and telling him that i was mad that next monday. i ended up cussing him out over text message. i told him that he disrespected me and i didn't appreciate it. i said that even if we were just fucking there was no reason for him to treat me that way. that if he ever did treat me that way again, i'd castrate him. and he needed to "clean [his] game up son!!" well, i apologized for the castration comment. my feeling were extremely hurt and my hormones are all crazy right now. he came up and semi-apologized to me and we've been talking a little since then.

last night was the first time that he's come over since the incident. definitely a bootycall, but i was down with it. he's hot, i'm constantly horny...it was time. it was great too. that man does things to me no one else has ever done. i'm sore in places i've never been sore. it was great. afterward, i was thinking about all of the things i wanted to tell him and all the questions that i had about what we were and how we were doing this thing - and i decided that i would let him sleep. and i must have been staring at him at one point while he was sleeping because he opened his eyes and asked me if i wanted something - creepy right? felt weird and awkward and just said nope, that i was just thinking and laid my head back on his chest.

i've decided that i'm not going to corner him into answering tricky questions yet. i'm going to keep it calm and managed and move it on along with how it is. i don't know, something's just shifted and i feel normal again. so i'm just kind of hanging out in this normail place watching the world go by. maybe i just needed a good roll in the hay to release all of the pent up emotions i had. :-)

other than that, i'm good. he's good. he wanted me to call him yesterday but i didn't. not because i was playing games with him (well, kinda) but mostly because i was busy and figured if he wanted to talk to me he'd call. if not, fine. also, i always call when he tells me too. do i have to call every time? at some point he should make the effort.

alright. i'm done.

you know you're classy when you lift your leg to fart while typing in your cube.

i'm a delicate flower.