the latest is that shawn and i are "friends".
and the story goes...
i had an extra concert ticket to see Jay Z and Mary J Blige (one of the best concerts ever, btw) and one of the friends that was supposed to go didn't want to at the last minute. so i was scrambling and trying to find someone else to take the ticket. i wasn't even going to ask him, but it came down to asking him or taking the loss. so i asked. he said he wanted to go - he just needed to find a sitter. when i asked a day later whether he'd found the sitter, he said that he hadn't and his ex was going with her new boyfriend. i didn't really know why he shared that information. so i decided that out of the choices, i'd pick the one that would mean i wasn't reading into what he was saying which would be that he tried to find a sitter, couldn't, and his back up sitter (the ex) was going so he couldn't go. turns out my instinct (and analysis) was correct - i should have read into it. he texted the next day (the day of the concert) and decided that he wanted to go. then he says "nevermind. i just can't stand to see her with him". to that, my response was to call (it got screened) and then text that he was most likely not going to see her anyways because there were going to be thousands of people there (it's at the united center where the bulls play basketball. there's no way he's seeing her there.) and that he needed to man up and decide what he wanted from her (and me). and "as a friend" i told him that he needed to get himself together and not let her presence dictate what he would do and wouldn't do. so he said he'd go. well, 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, he bailed. he called and said he couldn't do it. i refused to be mad about that and just calmly said that it was his choice and he needed to do what he felt. i was so annoyed with him that next week.
so i texted and asked him what we were...are we fuck buddies, friends, friends with benefits...what? he responds that i'm his friend and he knows his life is confusing right now. that pissed me off. not because he said we were friends, but because he's just now telling me that his life is "confusing". i kind of figured that after the series of texts about the ex. and when i asked him about all of this before - he didn't have anything to say. now he's telling me that he still has feelings for her. so i emailed him and said that i didn't mind being his friend, but he needed to treat me better. because every problem that i've had with him has come down to what i thought should have been a common courtesy response i.e.
1. If I say i'm calling you at a certain time and you say that's fine, you should either text me that it's not fine or let me know the next day what happened since you didn't pick up my call.
2. if you invite me to your birthday party and you've given me the impression that we're more than just "friends" and i see you making out with some girl - then i deserve an explanation or apology.
3. if i invite you to a concert that you know you're not going to regardless of the reason, don't waffle to the point that i can't find someone else to take the ticket - just tell me.
i don't think any of that is too much to ask. so i just said that if the concert situation would have happened with one of his boys - he would have had a different response and i didn't appreciate that. i said that just because i'm laid back doesn't mean i'm going to let him treat me any kind of way. that he was taking my kindness as weakness, etc. also, i said that i needed him to not talk to me about her in that way. telling me he has feelings for her is fine but i don't need to know that he can't stand to see her with "her new dude". because that strips him of his strength and that's what drew me to him. i said that he could be soft with me but if i was going to counsel him then we couldn't sleep together or anything because that would kill the attraction for me. so it was his choice. i told him to decide what he wants from me and let me know.
he hasn't responded. instead, he came up and talked to me like nothing happened. like i never sent the email although i know he got it. whatever.
so it comes down to my being an idiot for the umpteenth time. i hate that i do that. i hate that although i stand up for myself - i still let him get away with all of the shit that i wouldn't put up with from a friend or let a friend put up with. it's weird and stupid that i'm still letting him control me like this. but i like him so much and i can't shake it. i'm trying to, but i just can't. i'm trying not to get hurt, but he has this hold on me. he makes me feel pretty and attractive when i'm feeling so fat and ugly. when it's good, i don't purge. when i'm unsure, it's the worst trigger ever. i need to learn how to handle it all. i really do.
oh well - the eating update will come soon. it hasn't been so good here lately.
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