so i'm jealous. i'm jealous of a girl that i think has no feelings for the guy that i'm sleeping with on occasion. i hate that i get like this. the problem is that i'm feeling like crap today. and she looks good. she has the body that i want - big boobs, big butt, smaller waist. i don't think either of them like the other, but it bothers me when i see her in his cube. especially because it's usually days that i feel like shit and am not dressed up - you know, days when i can't compete.
you know - it's funny that i'm jealous of this girl and i throw up in order to lose weight or maintain the weight i'm at. i'm actually in the 150s now - striving to get down to 130. that would be a US size 5 for me. then i'd feel better, i think. i'd feel normal. perfect for my size. i need to get there - so my weight can be one less thing to worry about it. one less thing on the checklist.
oh well - no more whining. tonight i resume packing and hoping that i get the apt that i applied for. for some reason this has been the most challenging apt hunt i've been on since i've gotten here. usually you apply for the apt and pay your security deposit and the apt is yours. this time i'm competing with someone through credit checks. and my current lease is up next Thursday, May 1. she's supposed to call and let me know if i have the apt tonight or tomorrow during the day. if i don't the get apartment, i'll need to find something right away on Thursday. I'll have to go into overdrive and just take what i can get i think. that's when it's good to be type A. and i'll have to let that part of me shine through.
these are the times when i feel so hypocritical about being a christian. because i've been living my life the way i want and now i'm getting on my knees for an apartment because i'm down to the wire. i should be following the christian way all of the time regardless of the situation - not just when i need something. i shouldn't be making deals with God when my back's against the wall. but i don't know what else to do in this situation. blah!
oh the stress of it all!!
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