the world as i know it...

the latest is that shawn and i are "friends".

and the story goes...
i had an extra concert ticket to see Jay Z and Mary J Blige (one of the best concerts ever, btw) and one of the friends that was supposed to go didn't want to at the last minute. so i was scrambling and trying to find someone else to take the ticket. i wasn't even going to ask him, but it came down to asking him or taking the loss. so i asked. he said he wanted to go - he just needed to find a sitter. when i asked a day later whether he'd found the sitter, he said that he hadn't and his ex was going with her new boyfriend. i didn't really know why he shared that information. so i decided that out of the choices, i'd pick the one that would mean i wasn't reading into what he was saying which would be that he tried to find a sitter, couldn't, and his back up sitter (the ex) was going so he couldn't go. turns out my instinct (and analysis) was correct - i should have read into it. he texted the next day (the day of the concert) and decided that he wanted to go. then he says "nevermind. i just can't stand to see her with him". to that, my response was to call (it got screened) and then text that he was most likely not going to see her anyways because there were going to be thousands of people there (it's at the united center where the bulls play basketball. there's no way he's seeing her there.) and that he needed to man up and decide what he wanted from her (and me). and "as a friend" i told him that he needed to get himself together and not let her presence dictate what he would do and wouldn't do. so he said he'd go. well, 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, he bailed. he called and said he couldn't do it. i refused to be mad about that and just calmly said that it was his choice and he needed to do what he felt. i was so annoyed with him that next week.

so i texted and asked him what we were...are we fuck buddies, friends, friends with benefits...what? he responds that i'm his friend and he knows his life is confusing right now. that pissed me off. not because he said we were friends, but because he's just now telling me that his life is "confusing". i kind of figured that after the series of texts about the ex. and when i asked him about all of this before - he didn't have anything to say. now he's telling me that he still has feelings for her. so i emailed him and said that i didn't mind being his friend, but he needed to treat me better. because every problem that i've had with him has come down to what i thought should have been a common courtesy response i.e.
1. If I say i'm calling you at a certain time and you say that's fine, you should either text me that it's not fine or let me know the next day what happened since you didn't pick up my call.
2. if you invite me to your birthday party and you've given me the impression that we're more than just "friends" and i see you making out with some girl - then i deserve an explanation or apology.
3. if i invite you to a concert that you know you're not going to regardless of the reason, don't waffle to the point that i can't find someone else to take the ticket - just tell me.

i don't think any of that is too much to ask. so i just said that if the concert situation would have happened with one of his boys - he would have had a different response and i didn't appreciate that. i said that just because i'm laid back doesn't mean i'm going to let him treat me any kind of way. that he was taking my kindness as weakness, etc. also, i said that i needed him to not talk to me about her in that way. telling me he has feelings for her is fine but i don't need to know that he can't stand to see her with "her new dude". because that strips him of his strength and that's what drew me to him. i said that he could be soft with me but if i was going to counsel him then we couldn't sleep together or anything because that would kill the attraction for me. so it was his choice. i told him to decide what he wants from me and let me know.

he hasn't responded. instead, he came up and talked to me like nothing happened. like i never sent the email although i know he got it. whatever.

so it comes down to my being an idiot for the umpteenth time. i hate that i do that. i hate that although i stand up for myself - i still let him get away with all of the shit that i wouldn't put up with from a friend or let a friend put up with. it's weird and stupid that i'm still letting him control me like this. but i like him so much and i can't shake it. i'm trying to, but i just can't. i'm trying not to get hurt, but he has this hold on me. he makes me feel pretty and attractive when i'm feeling so fat and ugly. when it's good, i don't purge. when i'm unsure, it's the worst trigger ever. i need to learn how to handle it all. i really do.

oh well - the eating update will come soon. it hasn't been so good here lately.

otherwise, i'm good...

so i'm jealous. i'm jealous of a girl that i think has no feelings for the guy that i'm sleeping with on occasion. i hate that i get like this. the problem is that i'm feeling like crap today. and she looks good. she has the body that i want - big boobs, big butt, smaller waist. i don't think either of them like the other, but it bothers me when i see her in his cube. especially because it's usually days that i feel like shit and am not dressed up - you know, days when i can't compete.

you know - it's funny that i'm jealous of this girl and i throw up in order to lose weight or maintain the weight i'm at. i'm actually in the 150s now - striving to get down to 130. that would be a US size 5 for me. then i'd feel better, i think. i'd feel normal. perfect for my size. i need to get there - so my weight can be one less thing to worry about it. one less thing on the checklist.

oh well - no more whining. tonight i resume packing and hoping that i get the apt that i applied for. for some reason this has been the most challenging apt hunt i've been on since i've gotten here. usually you apply for the apt and pay your security deposit and the apt is yours. this time i'm competing with someone through credit checks. and my current lease is up next Thursday, May 1. she's supposed to call and let me know if i have the apt tonight or tomorrow during the day. if i don't the get apartment, i'll need to find something right away on Thursday. I'll have to go into overdrive and just take what i can get i think. that's when it's good to be type A. and i'll have to let that part of me shine through.

these are the times when i feel so hypocritical about being a christian. because i've been living my life the way i want and now i'm getting on my knees for an apartment because i'm down to the wire. i should be following the christian way all of the time regardless of the situation - not just when i need something. i shouldn't be making deals with God when my back's against the wall. but i don't know what else to do in this situation. blah!

oh the stress of it all!!

i'm moving....

...again.

i'm so tired of moving. i've been in the chicago area for about 5 years and i've moved almost every year since i got here. and so, i've been looking for apartments again. and trying to find a place i could live in for 2 years at least. i think i found it yesterday. i just need to get myself together and get the application done. the woman is really nice and the condo is really spacious. so hopefully i'll get that done today and out of the way so i don't have to think about it. that'll be one thing i can definitely check off the list. Since my lease is up on May 1 - i'm kind of down to the deadline and just need to make sure that everything is together at this point.

on another note - a friend of mine lives in the town that i'm moving to - which would generally be a good thing right? well, i don't know. she's a little crazy. i'm crazy and ocd here, but she's crazy and clingy all the time with most of her friends. i didn't know this until i started really hanging out with her. so when i move i'm going to have to really lay the smack down on my boundaries. there are times when i don't want to be bothered and she's just going to have to deal with that. i hate being like that, and i know at some point it's going to become an issue. i'm dreading it. she's one of thoese people that would drive past your house after calling you, to see if you were really not home or busy when you declined hanging out with her. then call and tell you that she's knows you're home. so i'm kind of gearing up for that. and i might just be freaking myself out at this point, but better to be prepared for crazy and not have it you know?

i don't know how i find these people... maybe the crazy draws them in.

i don't know what i'm doing....

seri's back and i'm maintaining stupidity. i understand how annoying this saga is for everyone. but hey!! imagine being in it. i have no idea what i'm doing.

after the party and telling him that i was mad that next monday. i ended up cussing him out over text message. i told him that he disrespected me and i didn't appreciate it. i said that even if we were just fucking there was no reason for him to treat me that way. that if he ever did treat me that way again, i'd castrate him. and he needed to "clean [his] game up son!!" well, i apologized for the castration comment. my feeling were extremely hurt and my hormones are all crazy right now. he came up and semi-apologized to me and we've been talking a little since then.

last night was the first time that he's come over since the incident. definitely a bootycall, but i was down with it. he's hot, i'm constantly horny...it was time. it was great too. that man does things to me no one else has ever done. i'm sore in places i've never been sore. it was great. afterward, i was thinking about all of the things i wanted to tell him and all the questions that i had about what we were and how we were doing this thing - and i decided that i would let him sleep. and i must have been staring at him at one point while he was sleeping because he opened his eyes and asked me if i wanted something - creepy right? felt weird and awkward and just said nope, that i was just thinking and laid my head back on his chest.

i've decided that i'm not going to corner him into answering tricky questions yet. i'm going to keep it calm and managed and move it on along with how it is. i don't know, something's just shifted and i feel normal again. so i'm just kind of hanging out in this normail place watching the world go by. maybe i just needed a good roll in the hay to release all of the pent up emotions i had. :-)

other than that, i'm good. he's good. he wanted me to call him yesterday but i didn't. not because i was playing games with him (well, kinda) but mostly because i was busy and figured if he wanted to talk to me he'd call. if not, fine. also, i always call when he tells me too. do i have to call every time? at some point he should make the effort.

alright. i'm done.

you know you're classy when you lift your leg to fart while typing in your cube.

i'm a delicate flower.

so i went to the party. wore a fab tube top (true green color from old navy), bcbg heels, and some bogari jeans. i was hot - which seri told me repeatedly. but i'm getting ahead of myself now. i got to the club with my friend about 1130 and seri had been there since 10. so when i finally talked to him, he was a little trashed - and by "trashed" i mean, completely trashed...

so i walk in and his friend says he's going to take me over to him but i think he saw what was happening and tried to distract me with a drink. but being the independent woman i am, i thought i'd buy my own drink. so i did. and while i was at the bar - i saw Seri on the other side of the bar making out with some girl. my girl was like "oh no he didn't. " but i was one step ahead of her. i got our drinks and moved right on over to the other side of the bar, tapped him on the shoulder, and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" i don't think he thought i was going to be there (even though i said i was) so the look on his face was priceless. i went to give him a hug and pushed me back a little to get a good look at the outfit (there was a keyhole in the tube top to show some cleavage cause i know he likes that) and then gave me groping hug telling me how hot he thought i looked. the girl he'd been making out with was eying me the whole time - but whatever. i didn't have anything against her personally - i was just pissed at him. anyways - i hugged him and forced him to let go of my hand and went to dance with my friend.

later on, my friend and i went back to the bar to get a shot of Patron and i got another drink - and i didn't notice that he was over beside me at all. i was actually having a great time. then he grabs me and tells me that he thinks i'm hot (again - i sound annoyed but i enjoyed it) and we danced a little. he never dances unless he's gone - and so that was a big clue to me. once again, homegirl is standing to the side waiting for him and looking at me. so i danced with him enough to get him worked up over me a little and then moved it on to the dancefloor.

last call - i went to tell everybody from work bye and said bye to Seri who was looking a mess at this point. i kissed him on the cheek and told him happy birthday again. he said that he didn't want me to leave. that he wanted to come home with me. i told him that he could come to my apt and sleep on the couch but that was it. then he suggested that i go with him to his friend's house. i told him and his friend no and tried to move towards the door. he grabs my hand and tells me again that i look hot, hugs me, and asks again if he can come over to which i whisper in his ear:
me: you knew i was coming tonight right?
him: yeah
me: you knew that i was coming to see you right?
him: yeah
me: so for you to have that girl all up in my face like that was disrespectful. you are not coming home with me. why don't you go home with your little friend? she obviously wants some of whatever you've got.

he gets all frustrated and sighs and finally lets me go.

i understand that we are not dating. so it's not a matter of him being with that girl. it's just a matter of him doing it in my face. his friends AND cousin were both hitting on me that night and i didn't talk to them out of respect for him. so for him to have that girl in my face like that, i find that very disrespectful.

i kind of talked to him this morning about it and he said that he doesn't remember what i'm talking about. he says that he barely remembers me being there. so i think that he thinks that we don't need to talk about it. i told him that i feel like he disrespected me and i think we need to set some boundaries. he hasn't responded yet. whatever. i keep saying that i'm done with him, but i'm not.

blah. there's more to the story but i don't have it in me to talk about it right now. i've been pissed all day and am just now coming down a little. so i'll let you know about that tomorrow.

i think i have a right be upset about this whole thing. and i would like to reiterate that it's not the girl. he can see and be with whomever he wants, but we should have some kind of rules as to whatwe'll do in those situations, right? god it sucks when my type A planner counterpart comes shining through.

Seri's having a birthday party tonight at a cute little club. I'm going. Wearing a tube top, cute jeans, heels and big hair - and praying that the ex girl is not there. So I'm sure I'll have updates for that on the morrow. drama, drama, drama right?

also, guess who's down to 160? that's right bitches!! Mama's coming down! I have been purging again but most of it is a diet change. i'm ok, i promise. the purging will stop soon. i'm working on it.

Beebs