pregnancy...

so i was going to write out this crazy blog entry about my weekend and whatever and how i've been freaked out about potentially being pregnant. but this is the low down.

i'm amazingly ok right now. i'm nauseous as a mofo. but i'm hanging in there. i haven't been short with anyone. and i haven't told anyone outside of one friend. she texted today and asked if i was ok. i am. a little stressed though, i said. she asked what it was about and i told her that my period was late. she asked if i was worrying about this all weekend and i let her know that i wasn't really worrying about it. but was extremely nauseous and sleeping alot. could be my period, but i've never had those symptoms before. i was really light headed last week too. and normal activities were just wiping me out. but i found it in myself to run this weekend twice. so that was good. i'm going again today. i have to clear my mind or i'm going to go crazy.

so these are my thoughts on being pregnant.

scenario 1:
i'm pregnant. i decide to move back to ga with my parents for a while until i find a job. my mom would help me out through her disappointment with me. i'd get the talk about being careful. but she'd be really excited about it all. that i moved home and that i was having a grandchild for her to love. she's sweet that way. at this point seri would have to travel to see the baby and that's a little stressful.

scenario 2:
i'm pregnant. i stay in chicago but move back out to the suburbs so that i'm closer to work. i save money and prepare for the baby's arrival. tell my parents and get the mom speech and dad disappointment. seri can see the baby when he wants. my mom can come stay for a while when the baby's born to help out. and i'll just stay at this job and save money.

scenario 3:
i'm pregnant. get rid of it. don't tell seri because i'd feel awful for killing his baby. and go through a great time of sucking it up and not being with him anymore i'm sure. you'd never know it, but i do well with great tragedies like death and life-altering accidents. emotional nothings ravage me. it's a curse.

note: the worst part about this whole thing is that he has a son already. his son is almost 9 and he's taken care of him alone (for the most part) by himself. since he was 20. it's mind-boggling to me. and i feel like i'd be making his life that much more difficult. i feel like if i am pregnant, it's my fault and i'll just suffer the consequences. i know that it takes two to tango and i don't even know if i'm pregnant for real. it's just a hunch. an unsupported hunch. but this is the realest hunch i've ever had.

so at this point, i'm thinking about how it would feel to have this baby on my own. how it would feel to know that i could have had a baby but i got rid of it. all of the people i know that would be so disappointed in me for doing this (having the baby OR having an abortion). i keep thinking about being a statistic. i always said i wouldn't be a statistic. i wouldn't be that unwed mother. the baby's mama. and i've put myself in that situation which was stupid of me.

oh well. those are the thoughts right now. the good thing, though, is that if i am pregnant. i'm going to get help. for the eating disorder. and also the craziness. there's always been this unreal quality to life. consequences aren't real until they happen. people don't do the crazy things that i've heard of them doing. i might have a personality disorder or something. something's wrong and i'd have to fix it. i wouldn't want to put a child through that.

so that's that. that's what i'm thinking right now. if i chose the abortion, i'd tell this one friend and that would be all. and i'd write about it here. but i couldn't stand to have people see me and know that i'd just done that. this definitely tops my list of the most irresponsible thing i've done.

and on a side note: i think we'd have beautiful babies together.