so with seri, i kept giving him chances. i thought he was showing me how he felt about me and he was. i love when i'm right - but i need to learn how to filter through other's people's bullshit a little better. especially the romantics - since i have that covered on my own. anyways - back to seri. he told me to call him the other night and i did. but when i told him to call me the next week (sometime during the week just not that wednesday because of scheduled events) he didn't. i always cut him some slack because he has a kid and i don't know his schedule with his son or anything. just trying to be considerate. so when he didn't call me that week that was his strike 1. strike 2 came the other night when i asked if i could call him that night when i left work. mind you, i told him that i was going to work until 9 or 10 that night so i'd call as i was leaving. he says it's fine, but when i call he doesn't answer. i was heated. i mean, livid. but i brought back and decided that he'd fallen asleep or something. yesterday i text him and asked if he'd fallen asleep like i thought (well, given him the benefit of a doubt) and he texts back "prolly". i thought i was going to kill him. y'all see the crazy anxiety and the self-doubt here, but to the public eye - none of that shit shows up. so i haven't been calling him all of the time or anything. i'm not crazy acting with him so all of this not calling bullshit is all a power struggle that i always have with him and i hate it. it's annoying as hell and makes me doubt myself. so strike three came last night in the form of a text from me. i told him that i wanted to talk to him so i wanted him to call me last night. if he couldn't call, i told him to text and tell me that. he didn't. and i let him go.
i know that he likes me. but i don't have time to pull it out of him. it's too dangerous for me to step into that with him. i can see his insecurities. i can see all of his issues and i like him a lot still. but i don't have time to counsel him and pull myself together too. it's too close to my heart. i've already been purging like crazy again here lately because his vagueness (can't think of another word) and nonchalant but let me hold you after sex and let's talk about our futures and let me tell you intimate secrets bullshit attitude. he triggers me. so i'm walking away nicely. i don't hate him but i definitely don't want to be dragged into that.
i emailed my sister this morning about coming home to Georgia within the next two years because this morning i was doubting that i could make here anymore. that maybe all of the voices (self-esteem issues not actual voices - i'm ed not schizo) were right and i couldn't cut it in Chicago. i didn't tell her that but just said that i had been thinking about moving back and missed them so much. that i was maybe just really homesick. i wanted her to tell me to move home because i was stupid and shouldn't have moved so far away like everyone keeps telling me but this is what she wrote me:
I miss you too girl. I know I'm always saying you should move back closer to home. I stopped because I don't want you to think I'm trying to pressure you into anything. I know you've gone through that enough in your life already. I know your struggle so do what you feel you should do. What I mean is, I know why you needed to get so far away. I just think you've grown a lot since you've been gone and you are ready to come back closer and face or deal with as a adult what you were trying to get away from. Its time to be that grown woman Bibs!! And I mean to everybody in your life. It's time to prove that is who you are now and you can make your own decisions for your life. This is your life, you will have to deal w/ the consequences, no one else. So with that being said, from my point of view, I think you would be more fulfilled being near your loved ones. I said near, not next to ;-). I know I will. Just compare the two, the benefits of being in Chicago vs. the benefits of being closer to your family. Write it down and see which one has the most benefits and go from there. I love you Bibs!!! Just a little Big Sister talk to start your day!!! I'm so proud of you!!!
this is what i needed today. i needed to be reminded that i am a grown woman and i make my own decisions. a friend of mine said recently that she was impressed that i moved from small town Georgia to big city Chicago and i'm doing it on my own. with minimal help from my parents anyways. i come from a line of extremely strong women and a lot of times i feel like i don't measure up to that standard. but the uncertainty i feel is not a sign of weakness. everyone feels that. the weakness comes when i let others or that uncertain feeling dictate how i live my life. stepping out into the future not knowing what's going to happen but handling it as it comes takes strength.
so shawn can kiss my ass. i have enough people in my life telling me that i'm not good enough. that i made a bad choice moving here. that i can't make it here. that i'm not pretty enough. that i'm not thin enough. that i'm not perfect. i don't need a man beside me telling me the same thing. i need someone that's going to come alongside me and be strong with me. so if it takes another 3 years to get another boyfriend or boy that's interested in me...then that's just what it's going to take. because i can't have anyone tearing me down all of the time. that's no way to live.
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