also wanted to note that i don't necessarily want a baby right now. someday. when i'm in a committed relationship or married and know that person will be there to help with the kid. every child needs a father. mine was piss poor at times and kind of fucked me up a little. but all in all he was there and i could have turned out much worse. for all of my whining here, i'm a rock for my friends. and i'm that foundation that everyone leans on to get through things. i don't mean any of this to brag, but i lend a certain friend money every off week between paydays because she is always short. she's the one whose baby i helped deliver. and by lend, i mean, i give her about $40 every other payday or so to help her get gas in her car. i listen to my friends cry all of the time about this boy or that - and sometimes cry with them. i've talked two friends through divorce. i've talked friends through deaths in their families. i've talked friends into being stronger and understanding how precious they are. i've talked friends through not feeling loved and forgiving those that have hurt them.

i've done all of this and then some - and it amazes me how weak i am in my own situations.

funny thing is, everyone thinks that i have it together. outward appearance is that i eat what i want when i want. i'm confident in every social situation. i'm the life of the party. and most of the time - i'm crying about something inside. it used to be for the hurt that i could feel in other people. but it's transferred to the fear that i feel inside of myself. i get things done because i have to. i stand up straight so that i don't cave into myself. but people don't see that.

they don't see the struggle.

and that's ok. they don't have to. but sometimes i just think about GOD and what i've been taught about him. and what i know to be true about him. and how people react to religion and i wonder why i struggle. i have a good life compared to a lot of people. but i've also been the girl that's had to sleep on an air mattress for 9 months until i got a bed. i've had to go without eating to pay my bills. i've had $5 in my pocket and wondered how the rent was going to be paid. those are the moments that i see god. know when i didn't see him? when 14 people in my family (including my best friend) died in one year. when my aunt just died of cancer. when my dad has cheated on my mom. when my mom has to work 2 jobs because my dad is stingy and won't pay his half of the bills. and that's just the things that i see in my own life. don't even get me started on the world at large because i have a few bones to pick with him on a few things.

and as much as he makes me angry and i want to not believe in him, sometimes he's just all i've got. and knowing that i have someone on my side makes life a little easier to handle. when people are crying to me and asking me why and when i'm on the phone listening to my best friend tell me that the doctors are only giving her a month to live but she's coming to graduation or when i'm forced to have sex with someone i don't want to or talked to inappropriately - there's this little ball of faith that says that everything will be ok.

so apparently i needed to get that out. i want to be "normal" so badly. and this is my chance. even if i'm not pregnant i think i'm going to talk to someone and figure out why i hurt so badly all the time. and why i feel other people's pain so deeply. it's time for the counselor to become the counselee.

you're probably letting out a sigh of relief on that one. it's about damn time right?