life has been life here lately. but not an ocd life of seri-ness either - just life. went to a family reunion in philly where i got completely trashed and my cousins had to take care of me. then came back to chicago where i ran into seri in the hallway and had a decent convo with him. it was fine. and the best part of it was that i felt little of nothing. it's fading ever so slowly - which i appreciate more than you appreciate not hearing about it. i've been eating like a normal person and not starving or purging or berating my mind at all. appalling right?? i know. that is...until Friday.

Friday, I felt awful. just terrible. it hit me like a ton of bricks that i was just so fat and unlovable. seriously...where does that even come from after almost a month of doing fine? i'd like to know so i can kick the shit out of it for real. then i saw seri - and really - it's not even about him because we all know that he's an asshole. it's the idea of not being good enough to be loved. so i saw him talking to this girl and looking at me. they probably weren't talking about me, but it really was all i could do to keep myself together. at that point, i lost my appetite (we were on our way to lunch), hated my outfit, and just wanted to disappear. so ridiculous i know.

friday night i took laxatives for the first time in months. it was the worst/best thing ever. i'd forgotten how much the pain takes over your mind and you really don't have time to obsess over anything. it's the same way when you're not eating. the constant thought of calories keeps your mind occupied. purging gets all of the emotion out so you don't have to feel. crazy. crazy. crazy.

so that's that. i was doing fine being "normal" until something in me cracked on friday. now i'm back on the "normal" track. maybe this time i can do it for months instead of weeks.

i'm trying...

Happy Monday!!

hope everyone is doing fine. I have spent the past 4 days taking the train into the City, walking around the Taste of Chicago, going to festivals and plays, and really, just being free and wonderful.

i really did have a great weekend.

didn't think about seri too much. didn't obsess about food too much. didn't purge at all. didn't starve at all. i was normal and fine and free. i finally feel like myself. i even got more of my apartment squared away. i'd taken a hiatus from getting things together since i'd moved because i got overwhelmed and caught up in myself. but this weekend things went a lot smoother than i thought and i was just great and able to get some things done. so when i got Philly in a week and a half i won't come back to cluttered apartment. it'll actually be nice to come home and be in my own space.

i've calmed down a lot since the seri engagement. i was supposed to go to a party that he was supposedly going to as well. but thankfully, i didn't make it to the party. so i didn't have to even speculate how i'd act around him. i didn't have to think about if he was going to bring his fiance or try to come home with me. so that was good. i actually don't even have anything to say about him really besides that. i'm actually ok today. of course, i always want to see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria but it's more of an insecurity check than anything. i want to know that he thinks i'm attractive. that's all. i don't even want to see him for him.

anyways - i hope that everyone is doing well and maybe i'll have something funny to talk about next time i log in. i'm on my way up kids!!

Seri's engaged!!

i found out last night. as I was being told, I was fine. this person doesn't know anything about him and me, so i didn't want my reaction to be what gave it away. then i called my best friend and that's when the tears started.

funny thing is, it's not even him. i don't want to be with him anymore (although, as i've said before, i want his sex). lately, i've been feeling like 29 is the end of the world for me. i know it's not. and i won't be 29 until October. but for some reason (it's usually hormonal - imagine that) i tend to get very emotional about it. the other day i scared myself thinking that i only had like 9 good years left which means that i only have 108 chances to have a baby. which really, is not going to happen unless i'm in a relationship with someone, preferably married. which leads into why i was so emotional - i was throwing a tantrum. the "when am i going to get married" tantrum. seriously - i didn't even think i was ready for marriage until a few months ago and definitely not with seri.

so that's that. seri's getting married. he came up to my desk yesterday and talked to me for about 30 minutes and still didn't tell me. i guess he doesn't owe me that, but really, if he's going to talk about us having sex while he 's at my desk (it's true) then he can tell me he's engaged. he really is an asshole. :-)

besides that, i've been craving Kentucky Fried Chicken wings and this vegetable salad / dip - not necessarily together, but that'd be fine if it was. damn period. bless my heart if one of those 108 eggs actually comes to fruition cause whoever fathered that thing is going to have some serious "i'm having a baby and i'm craving crazy shit in the middle of the night" buying times.

so much has happened lately - i don't know where to start.

vacation:
it was wonderful. i went to florida for 4 days and it was great. my friend lives a 1/2 block from the beach - so that's where i spent my free time. all of my free time. it was glorious. and this time i didn't get sunburnt which is a plus. part of the time was also spent visiting my sister, her husband and kids. god, i love them. they are the greatest family and really do keep me grounded. i get so caught up in things here that i can't see myself the way i should - but there i'm just me - and i love it.

while i was there too, i had an epiphany about this whole thing with seri. obviously i was letting him drive me crazy. but i let him treat me any kind of way and instead of walking away earlier - i just stayed and took the drama and whatever else he threw at me. so i decided to talk to him again when i got back. which leads into:

seri:
i talked to him yesterday. i emailed and told him i wanted to talk and that i didn't want to rehash everything we talked about before, i just had something to tell him. so basically i said that i was sorry for being so emotional about everything and really throwing that on him. it wasn't all his fault as i said above. i let him treat me that way. so i told him that it wasn't all his fault and that i just really haven't been right since my aunt died. i made six 13 hour trips (from chicago to ga to philly back to ga back to chicago back to philly back to chicago) to see family which turned into helping with funeral arrangements and then going back for the funeral. doing all of that and then not seeing my family since then takes a toll on me. they keep me grounded and stable. so i said that i hadn't been myself completely and just rested since thanksgiving and i took that out on him. he asked why and i told him about my aunt - he knew because when i was going through it i kind of talked to him about it a little bit. then he tries to get all sweet and ask if i'm ok, etc and really i'm fine. i told him that. i'm still dealing with it of course - but i'm fine. after that brief conversation/apology (i told him that that doesn't let him off the hook for everything, i was just apologizing for the things that i felt i didn't handle correctly) we talked for another 30 minutes. it was nice. i asked about the girlfriend. a little painful but not as bad as before - and the more i talk to him about her, the less i want to be with him. double edged sword that one. so i've decided that i will be his work friend and move on with life. then of course he asks me to go running with him - when i wanted him to, he never asked - now i could care less really. so i said no. i can't hang out with him like that knowing that he's with her.

life:
although i gained about 5 pounds since i've been in florida, i have not purged. so that's great. i've panicked. i've even stopped eating so much - but no purging. i feel good about myself right now. i'm running again and trying to be healthy. i want to be healthy. i want to eat normally and not feel like i'm dying inside if i have a piece of cake or some candy or a slice more of pizza than someone else. it's not the end of the world. i'm trying to teach myself that. and i'm trying to really absorb the fact that i'm not the fattest thing people have seen walking down the street. i am not traumatizing people when they notice me. they don't scream in horror as i turn to face them so i shouldn't feel so bad all of the time. so i'm really really trying this time. i don't know how to be normal. anyways...

long story short: vacation was great, i'm back to being myself, i don't hate seri, and i feel this huge weight has been lifted off of me and i'm free again. free to be me and live the life that i was living before he came along. i still want to rip his clothes off everytime i see him but now i know what's best for me and it's not him. :-)

hope all is well with everyone!!

steve harvey morning show is what gets me through the morning every morning. they are so funny and steve reminds me of my dad. same kind of humor and vocal mannerisms. so funny. so everyday they have the strawberry letter that shirley reads and gives advice about. it's a play on strawberry letter 23 and shirley's last name is strawberry. anyways - this morning, the letter was about this girl who says that she's very attractive and because of this she's always had problems with men wanting her. she says that right now she has a boyfriend and five men that want to be with her. One man, she said, has even threatened to kill her if she doesn't get back with him and she wants to know what to do. so usually at this point, shirley would be the voice of reason and give the woman some stable advice. then steve would come on and give the funny, but true advice after that. this time shirley didn't have anything to say and steve just said that this woman was crazy. he basically said that at some point she must have needed closure and keeps talking to these men - egging them on - and what not. so that's why she's having problems. that got me to thinking about seri's dumb ass again. closure is what i needed when i told him that i didn't want to see him anymore. so i got that and then we had another "talk" and that killed part of the closure for me. so now i keep thinking that i need to tell him that i'm serious and really just can't be his friend. but i don't need to do that. i don't need that kind of closure, i have it. steve was saying that women need closure to move and men move on to get closure. so that's where i'm at right now. that cleared up what i'd been thinking about. so i'm really not going to contact him anymore at all. i've already taken his number out of my phone and am working on forgetting it now. that will be good for me. and so will this vacation.

after seeing sex and the city the other day, i was driving home and thinking about random things and it just came to me. i am always apologizing for myself - if i'm not wearing an outfit that i think is up to par - i make an excuse about it. or if my shoes are what i think are quite right for the outfit i'm wearing - i make an excuse for that too. so i was thinking that i need to stop doing that. i barely ever care about anyone's outfit and if i think something's cute, then i should wear it and let that be that instead of feeling like if i'm not perfect, there's something wrong with me. i don't know why i have this crazy standard of perfection in my head that i have to reach all of the time. so i'm trying to relax and just do me. wear what i think is cute even if i feel like my body isn't perfect (i.e. fat arms and thighs). i need to just love myself. unconditionally. i can love other people through just loads and loads of bullshit - i don't even hate seri - but i don't treat myself the same way and i should. so i'm working on it. loving myself.

that's an amazing concept to me. i keep having these kinds of revelations that other people just inherently know and it's so weird to me that i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to love myself for who i am. i am always trying to be better - the best - perfect. some unknown, crazy "perfect". my cousin told me the other day that he's proud of where i am in life and that i should be sharing that with other people. people that need to know that there is another life outside of living on and in the streets selling themselves and drugs and doing whatever. and you know what i told him? i'm not there yet. i can't help anybody until i get to the next level. with that attitude, i'll never help anybody. it's like preparing to have kids, you'll never have them if you have to prepare and be in this perfect place in life. no one is ever ready for it. so i need to chill out and start living my life like it's golden. stop worrying about the craziness and the drama and let it go. let it be what it is and pull people up along the way as i'm making my life better.

no purging for three days. if i can make that into another 3 weeks then i should be happy. it's a long time and i should be proud of myself for what i accomplished. not downing myself because i slipped up. one day i'll stop and i'll be able to help someone else that's going through this and it will have all been worth it.

and now i must process invoices - my least favorite part of printing...

i've been listening to marvin gaye all afternoon. i love him. if he were still alive i'd totally be a groupie. the man speaks to my soul. it's been raining for the past hour or so here and it's making me tired. i'm glad the warm weather is here, but now it's cramping my style with all of the rain. i need less rain and more sun.

i thought about seri a lot last night while i was trying to sleep and i've come to the conclusion that i really don't want to be friends with him in any sense of the word. the more i don't talk to him, the more clarity i get and the more i realize that i was right for cutting him off. i do miss him though. he's fun to talk to and of course i miss his body. but you know, it's not worth the crazy i feel when i'm dealing with him.

i purged this weekend. and it had nothing to do with seri this time. and it felt so good. but so awful at the same time. i don't know if i'll ever be able to stop completely. i think it will continually be one of those things that i do on occasion. i hope one day i can stop, but i doubt it. it always comes back.

i'm going to florida on thursday and coming back to chicago on Tuesday. i can't wait. i get to see a friend and my sister and her family. i miss them so much. and i hate that i am missing so much of my neice's life. i got to enjoy my nephew but my neice doesn't know me as well.

anyways - sorry i feel like debbie downer. today is actually fine. i feel good about myself and what i wore to work. i haven't been fiening for seri today. so all is well. promise.

discombobulated thoughts...

i keep trying to think of what to say. i keep trying to have it all make sense in my head and i just can't. i don't know what the problem is or where the disconnect is, but i don't understand it.

we talked yesterday. he was mad that i'd sent the text telling him that i didn't want anything else to do with him because he still hasn't paid me for the concert. he doesn't understand that it's not about the money. i even told him to keep it. it's just the fact that over and over again i keep telling him that i feel disrespected and somehow he doesn't understand it. he doesn't understand that i might need that money for something and for him to keep promising it to me and then not delivering might put me in a bad situation. thankfully that's not the case, but that's the point. he feels like it's not the case and so he does what he wants. i kept telling him that it wasn't about the money, i don't want the money, i don't NEED the money...i need him to leave me alone. and part of this is obviously my fault because after i sent him the text regarding the money he kept saying that we had unfinished business, etc and he was going to talk to me. so i texted him the other day and told him i had a question - so he called friday but i was out of the office. so i emailed yesterday and asked what he needed. so he called and asked me what my question was - so i told him that i didn't want to talk about it at work. so what does he do? he comes upstairs to talk to me at my desk. i was sooooo heated with him. i could feel fire shooting from my eyeballs. so anyways we were talking about the money and he kept saying that he would pay me for it and i kept telling him that i didn't want the money. that it wasn't about the money.

so then he challenges me to tell him when he's been disrespectful to me. um, hello, what about the girl at the party? suddenly he's stammering and telling me that he doesn't even really remember what happened because he was so wasted that night. "AND" he says, "I apologized for that." i thought i was going to hit him. i told him that if he apologized to someone it wasn't to me. so he apologized then.

then he said that i called him soft when he was telling me that he couldn't go to the concert. he says he was trying to open up to me. but really, seriously, what was i supposed to do? just listen to him go on and on about her and the new guy that she's dating? i don't want to hear that shit. my god. i'm already trying to keep it together and i'm barely doing that - let alone to have to endure the bullshit of a love triangle. we also talked about his living with his ex - which i don't like at all. "but that's another story altogether" i said. that started a discussion of "what do you want to know about? do you want to know about this? what about this? what about this?"

anyways - it came down to us being friends. pure friends. he said (being a smart ass) that he didn't know we needed an instruction book. and i told him if it hadn't been so fucking convoluted, we wouldn't need one. so he kept asking me what my question was and what i wanted to know and i said i didn't have a question and didn't want to know anything else. that's when he decides to tell me that he's back with her. they've been back together for the past two weeks or so. yeah - pretty much gutted me right there.

needless to say, i'm a little upset about this whole thing. he ways that he decided that they needed a second chance at it. that he hadn't been fair to her and he needed to give it another try. try to make it work. fine, i told him. i can respect that, i said. inside i was dying and wanted to leave and just cry. but i didn't and i haven't yet. but i did purge for the first time in 3 weeks. i don't know what else to do. i don't know how to handle this whole thing. i'm so angry with him and myself for letting myself fall for him. i knew better but i still just did it.

when i talked to my mom last night, she said that he's confusing her. that on one hand he's telling me that he doesn't want a relationship with me, but when i tell him that i don't want it either, then he's in my face telling that he's pissed that i would go so far as to take away my friendship over money.

my question was: Why does it matter...why does he care so much...? what does he have to lose? some pride? a girl that finds him attractive? there will be more of them. i don't know.

so that's my saga right now. i don't know what to think or if the feelings i'm feeling are even valid. my heart hurts and i'm cranky today. i'm angry at him because i like him and maybe he does like me. but it's not enough right now. he chose her over me and i don't know if i can come back from that right now. i need a break from life and it can't come soon enough. i feel like we broke up and that's my own stupid fault because we were not even dating and i let myself get attached.

i officially suck.