so much has happened lately - i don't know where to start.

vacation:
it was wonderful. i went to florida for 4 days and it was great. my friend lives a 1/2 block from the beach - so that's where i spent my free time. all of my free time. it was glorious. and this time i didn't get sunburnt which is a plus. part of the time was also spent visiting my sister, her husband and kids. god, i love them. they are the greatest family and really do keep me grounded. i get so caught up in things here that i can't see myself the way i should - but there i'm just me - and i love it.

while i was there too, i had an epiphany about this whole thing with seri. obviously i was letting him drive me crazy. but i let him treat me any kind of way and instead of walking away earlier - i just stayed and took the drama and whatever else he threw at me. so i decided to talk to him again when i got back. which leads into:

seri:
i talked to him yesterday. i emailed and told him i wanted to talk and that i didn't want to rehash everything we talked about before, i just had something to tell him. so basically i said that i was sorry for being so emotional about everything and really throwing that on him. it wasn't all his fault as i said above. i let him treat me that way. so i told him that it wasn't all his fault and that i just really haven't been right since my aunt died. i made six 13 hour trips (from chicago to ga to philly back to ga back to chicago back to philly back to chicago) to see family which turned into helping with funeral arrangements and then going back for the funeral. doing all of that and then not seeing my family since then takes a toll on me. they keep me grounded and stable. so i said that i hadn't been myself completely and just rested since thanksgiving and i took that out on him. he asked why and i told him about my aunt - he knew because when i was going through it i kind of talked to him about it a little bit. then he tries to get all sweet and ask if i'm ok, etc and really i'm fine. i told him that. i'm still dealing with it of course - but i'm fine. after that brief conversation/apology (i told him that that doesn't let him off the hook for everything, i was just apologizing for the things that i felt i didn't handle correctly) we talked for another 30 minutes. it was nice. i asked about the girlfriend. a little painful but not as bad as before - and the more i talk to him about her, the less i want to be with him. double edged sword that one. so i've decided that i will be his work friend and move on with life. then of course he asks me to go running with him - when i wanted him to, he never asked - now i could care less really. so i said no. i can't hang out with him like that knowing that he's with her.

life:
although i gained about 5 pounds since i've been in florida, i have not purged. so that's great. i've panicked. i've even stopped eating so much - but no purging. i feel good about myself right now. i'm running again and trying to be healthy. i want to be healthy. i want to eat normally and not feel like i'm dying inside if i have a piece of cake or some candy or a slice more of pizza than someone else. it's not the end of the world. i'm trying to teach myself that. and i'm trying to really absorb the fact that i'm not the fattest thing people have seen walking down the street. i am not traumatizing people when they notice me. they don't scream in horror as i turn to face them so i shouldn't feel so bad all of the time. so i'm really really trying this time. i don't know how to be normal. anyways...

long story short: vacation was great, i'm back to being myself, i don't hate seri, and i feel this huge weight has been lifted off of me and i'm free again. free to be me and live the life that i was living before he came along. i still want to rip his clothes off everytime i see him but now i know what's best for me and it's not him. :-)

hope all is well with everyone!!