life has been life here lately. but not an ocd life of seri-ness either - just life. went to a family reunion in philly where i got completely trashed and my cousins had to take care of me. then came back to chicago where i ran into seri in the hallway and had a decent convo with him. it was fine. and the best part of it was that i felt little of nothing. it's fading ever so slowly - which i appreciate more than you appreciate not hearing about it. i've been eating like a normal person and not starving or purging or berating my mind at all. appalling right?? i know. that is...until Friday.

Friday, I felt awful. just terrible. it hit me like a ton of bricks that i was just so fat and unlovable. seriously...where does that even come from after almost a month of doing fine? i'd like to know so i can kick the shit out of it for real. then i saw seri - and really - it's not even about him because we all know that he's an asshole. it's the idea of not being good enough to be loved. so i saw him talking to this girl and looking at me. they probably weren't talking about me, but it really was all i could do to keep myself together. at that point, i lost my appetite (we were on our way to lunch), hated my outfit, and just wanted to disappear. so ridiculous i know.

friday night i took laxatives for the first time in months. it was the worst/best thing ever. i'd forgotten how much the pain takes over your mind and you really don't have time to obsess over anything. it's the same way when you're not eating. the constant thought of calories keeps your mind occupied. purging gets all of the emotion out so you don't have to feel. crazy. crazy. crazy.

so that's that. i was doing fine being "normal" until something in me cracked on friday. now i'm back on the "normal" track. maybe this time i can do it for months instead of weeks.

i'm trying...