it just doesn't make sense...

i've been cutting a lot of people out of my life here lately. not necessarily on purpose or maybe on purpose but not maliciously. i'm just tired is all. i'm still happy and wonderful, but just want to be alone for a little bit. so i usually go to work, go home, hang out with a few choice people, and just chill the rest of the time. it's weird. every now and then i just go through this phase of just needing to be. just be.

i went back through some of the posts that i've written and well, i'm a little disappointed in myself. i complain a lot (which i knew about myself) but really, it's not that necessary. i talk about the same things all the time. the processing helps and you can see the clarity as i work through things, but at the same time, i need to progress somehow. i'm stuck in a rut and i need to climb out of it.

money is a huge issue. i need to get my finances together. so at some point, i need to sit down and write out a plan of what i want to accomplish and how i'm going to accomplish it. hmmm... i need some financial guidance. this is the stress of my life. money.

lately i've been thinking about what i want to do with my life too. i'm actually a little embarrassed to say it. but i want to be a counselor. and the funny thing is, when i decided this, that's when my world started falling apart. i started with the eating disorder hardcore, i was sexually assaulted, i became really emotional...etc. part of my reasoning is that i would like to keep people from going through the same things that i have, i'd like to do that. i would like to do rape, crisis, PTSD counseling at some point. but also, i'd like to help kids figure out what they want to do and what roads will actually take them there. like what a guidance counselor is supposed to be. not just what they are known for. i'd like to be apart of the few that actually do what they are supposed to do.

anyways - i just had a drop in hormones and the tears are close to coming. i hate that. so i'm going to need to go now. hope everyone is well and i hope that my hormone level returns to normal soon. i'm going to need to not cry today. :-)

there are a lot of things that i was going to say in this post. just about life in general and then i erased it. all of it. i've been having a crisis of sorts here lately. my skin was looking shitty, my attitude was sour, i was emotional and just not the life of the party that i usually am with my friends. i just felt so fake and lifeless. then sunday, i went shopping, treated myself to a facial and thai food, then watched the Bears/Colts game on the phone with my dad. it was just a good restful day. the only thing that would have made it better would have been if i'd gone to church and really felt like i was back "in" with god. i've been on the outs for a while now. not because i feel like he kicked me out, but rather i turned my back on that to do what i wanted.

so yesterday and today i've been so free. just light and airy and wonderful. i can't explain it. i'm not overly ecstatic, i'm just in love with life right now. and i realize that it's going to hurt talking to seri sometimes and life in general may not be too comfortable - but it's ok. i'm still here, i'm still strong and i need to remember that it's ok to feel things and to be emotional - i just can't let that control me.

so with that said, things have been going fine. i still haven't thrown up or used laxatives in what seems like forever. i've decided to go back to school for sure. so now i need to just finish writing those damn essays so i can send in my application. i'm serious about it this time.

i'm still dancing. and when i'm not dancing, i'm working out which has helped the eating struggles. one of these days i'll be able to eat without the paranoia. i'm really excited for that day. and i've kind of revisited my body goals and have decided that i don't want to be skinny. i just want to tone up and fit well into my clothes at whatever size that i may be. i hope to get to the point where i don't even own a scale anymore. that's down the road a ways but i know that i can do it.

so that's that. nothing has really changed but my attitude. but it's for the better and i'm excited to see my life follow.

today i asked seri to walk down to breakfast with me at work. i know that i need to be careful with him, but at the same time - i wanted to be sure that i'm ok, you know? i've never had to live and breathe around someone i'd broken up with or terminated any kind of relationship with after the fact. i've always moved. every 1 - 3 years of my life besides college. so it's been really hard for me to deal him being around and having mutual friends that don't know anything about it. this morning he told me that he doesn't think he's getting married. that she's calling it off. well, honestly, i didn't think it was going to last anyways. but now, although i'm sad for him and i would go get a drink or something with him (and a group of people), i can't go back down that road with him. he had his chance with me - and i'm turning out to be one of those stupid girls that keeps going back but i'm trying my damnedst not to be that girl this time. i knew that he wanted me to wait it out before because he didn't think it was going to happen. but i can't do that this time. i still like him, but now i'm finally back at the point of being able to see the whole picture instead of just the pieces that are close to me. so i need to do what's best and stop lowering my standards and being desperate. just because i feel for him doesn't mean that i have to be an idiot about him.

so that's the thought process right now. i'm working on myself again. one of these days it'll actually pay off.

i've been invited to a going away party for one of seri's friends, by one of my friends that works with seri. she doesn't know about me and seri - so i don't think it's a setup. but i'm debating on whether or not i should go. i'm finally fine with him. i can be around him (when necessary) without being all worked up or longing for him, etc. FINALLY. but i don't know if he's bringing his fiance or not. so that throws a wrench in my plans. i would go even if she was there and be fine. but i don't know if he's told her anything about me. i would assume not, but then again, i've assumed alot of things about him and they've turned out not to be so good. so that's my weekend dilemma. i'm thinking that i'm not going to go. that's the strongest instinct that i have and so i should probably follow it right?

so i think i told y'all that i was taking bellydancing and i love it. well i still love it. and not just "love it", but LOVE it. so now i'm going to Samba lessons too. and that i just love. it's not my favorite just because i have the body issues and don't think i'm sexy. i'm getting there though. i can do all of the moves except one. i just need to get comfortable with myself and get my sexy on. at bellydance, i've been told i'm a natural, which of course makes me feel great. but at the same time makes me put pressure on myself to be the best at it. and if i don't do it perfectly, i can get kind of OCD about it. but it's been a good thing for me.

i haven't thrown up in almost a month either - i think it's going on about 3 weeks. thank goodness. so i'm holding steady with that. i need to start running again so i can tone up and just feel better about myself. i've been trying to keep busy so that i can keep my mind and body occupied. that way i won't even have time to think about throwing up because i'll be so tired from running around or on my way somewhere so i can't do it. that's the plan right now. so far it's been working. i haven't lost any weight but i feel better. so it's working as far as i'm concerned.

other than that, not much else has been going on really. i've had my eye on the DHL man that picks up deliveries at my job every night. so i don't mind staying too late after work because i get to see him if i time it right. a little eye candy never hurt right? if i could just get past myself - i might actually ask him out at some point. we'll see.

I know i'm not a man, but i LOVE the picture of the man covering his face. So cute and flirty.

let's see how life is...
work...is work. i like it for the most part. but every now and then it throws me a curve ball. a woman was fired in an adjacent department and now my coworker is applying for that job. it's hard to think of her leaving but i think this will be a great move for her. i think her career will advance really quickly and she'll get to where she wants to be sooner than she originally thought. and the best thing is that this opportunity comes at a great time becasue her mom had to have a surgery that sent her into early retirement. so now if A gets this job, then she'll be able to afford to send money home to her mom and things won't be so tough on her. so anyways, i said all that to say that i hope she gets it, even though it's going to be weird not working with her.

life...is going well. i'm taking a dancing class - bellydance that is. it's great and i love it. apparently i'm really good at it too. who knew that the girl that hates her body would be good at such a physical activity? well i am. so i'm thinking i'll be doing this for a while now. a friend and i are starting samba lessons tomorrow too. i'm soooo excited. i love dancing so i'm thinking that this will be my new way of working out. money permitting, i'm going to be doing this for a long time.

seri...he's fine. there's flirting and what not, but nothing's going on anymore. so that's good. i can see clearly that he treated me like a whore and really, i let him. so i need to correct that mentality for the next "relationship" or whatever i get myself into. a part of me is still so attached to him too though which is annoying. but i think it's because he "beat" me and i feel like i can't let him "win". stupid i know, but you know how that goes.

eating...it's fine. i haven't thrown up for about 2 weeks now - maybe 3. the time before last that i threw up, i busted a ton of blood vessels in my face and it looked like some weird red speckly rash. so that's what i told people it was. i also couldn't really breathe either. i was having an allergic reaction to something that i threw up and my throat was swollen. it was good times. i had to take benadryl for about a week to counteract the allergic reaction and just wait for the "rash" to go away. you'd think that would keep me from throwing up again, but i gave in the other day. i hate that i did. but i really don't think about it much anymore. so that's good. i feel like i'm getting better. and that's part of the reason that i love dance because it's taking my mind off of being "so fat". you'd think that it would make things worse but bellydancers are supposed to have a little cushion for the pushing. also, i'm down about 10 pounds naturally (the throwing up has never helped me lose weight) so that helps things too.

i think that's about it right now. i'm just working on making myself busy, making my apartment that i've been in for about 4 months comfortable and inviting for people to come over and hang out - which it seems like i've done because people are always asking to come over. i don't get it but i love it. i've been working on getting back into school for my degree. so that's something good that's been keeping my mind occupied and keeping me focused on getting better.

so that's what i've been up to. hope everyone's good. i still want to be thin but not trying quite so hard to do it the unhealthy way. :-)

just got back from florida on Sunday. i LOVE it there. it's hot as hell down there with no rain, but it was soooo great. one of my best friends from college lives there so i went down for her birthday. so fun. this is the last year that she will be able to do what she wants as she is "with child" and she's due at the end of January. i can't believe she's going to be a mommy. it's so weird when your friends have their first kid. i'm so excited for her. they're going to be great parents.

so while i was there, we went to the beach (you have to), shopping, had a game night with her extended family and just kind of chilled. usually, she has 50 milion things she wants me to do with her, but this time we just relaxed and hung out. i loved it. and actually got a little teary eyed when i had to leave.

so that was good - i got some sun and cleared my mind a little. i needed that vacation. i was getting too caught up in myself here. and also being in miami and ft. lauderdale reminds me that i'm a normal girl, i weigh a normal amount and i'm just...normal. i could definitely have a worse life than i have. i complain alot (to myself) that i'm just not where i need to be financially, emotionally, etc. but really, i'm doing ok.

best moment from the beach: jenny and i are sitting on these beach chairs soaking up the sun and watching all of the people around us. we found this one little girl particularly interesting as she was trying to build sandcastles at the water's edge while the rest of her family was in the water playing and swimming. well, you could tell she was getting really frustrated about her sandcastle making as they just weren't standing up or when she'd lift the pail, the sand would tumble out into a shapeless mound. jenny and i were just on the verge of going over and giving her some pointers when she started digging this deep hole to get wetter sand. we were enthralled in this whole process for about a good 20 minutes. eventually, the girl gets wet enough sand, makes the perfect sandcastle and moves along to play with her family. about 5 minutes after she's abandoned her castle project, two guys around 20ish come walking by. they just reak of alcohol and bad attitudes. just as they really get their "i'm way too cool for this" stride, the biggest tool of them steps into the hole that the little girl dug. seriously, the funniest thing i've seen in a long time. he didn't fall completely, but enough that he had to brace himself with his hand (the one without the beer) and his friend had to jump out of the way. his friend, jenny and i had the best laugh about it. he kind of grinned it off and moved along. as his friend was laughing, he stopped close enough to us to hear us say, "we probably should have given them some kind of warning. i mean, she just dug it about 15 minutes ago..." the friend laughed a little harder, the guy that fell was not quite as amused. but we had a good solid laugh about it.

so funny. i think you had to be there...

life has been life here lately. but not an ocd life of seri-ness either - just life. went to a family reunion in philly where i got completely trashed and my cousins had to take care of me. then came back to chicago where i ran into seri in the hallway and had a decent convo with him. it was fine. and the best part of it was that i felt little of nothing. it's fading ever so slowly - which i appreciate more than you appreciate not hearing about it. i've been eating like a normal person and not starving or purging or berating my mind at all. appalling right?? i know. that is...until Friday.

Friday, I felt awful. just terrible. it hit me like a ton of bricks that i was just so fat and unlovable. seriously...where does that even come from after almost a month of doing fine? i'd like to know so i can kick the shit out of it for real. then i saw seri - and really - it's not even about him because we all know that he's an asshole. it's the idea of not being good enough to be loved. so i saw him talking to this girl and looking at me. they probably weren't talking about me, but it really was all i could do to keep myself together. at that point, i lost my appetite (we were on our way to lunch), hated my outfit, and just wanted to disappear. so ridiculous i know.

friday night i took laxatives for the first time in months. it was the worst/best thing ever. i'd forgotten how much the pain takes over your mind and you really don't have time to obsess over anything. it's the same way when you're not eating. the constant thought of calories keeps your mind occupied. purging gets all of the emotion out so you don't have to feel. crazy. crazy. crazy.

so that's that. i was doing fine being "normal" until something in me cracked on friday. now i'm back on the "normal" track. maybe this time i can do it for months instead of weeks.

i'm trying...

Happy Monday!!

hope everyone is doing fine. I have spent the past 4 days taking the train into the City, walking around the Taste of Chicago, going to festivals and plays, and really, just being free and wonderful.

i really did have a great weekend.

didn't think about seri too much. didn't obsess about food too much. didn't purge at all. didn't starve at all. i was normal and fine and free. i finally feel like myself. i even got more of my apartment squared away. i'd taken a hiatus from getting things together since i'd moved because i got overwhelmed and caught up in myself. but this weekend things went a lot smoother than i thought and i was just great and able to get some things done. so when i got Philly in a week and a half i won't come back to cluttered apartment. it'll actually be nice to come home and be in my own space.

i've calmed down a lot since the seri engagement. i was supposed to go to a party that he was supposedly going to as well. but thankfully, i didn't make it to the party. so i didn't have to even speculate how i'd act around him. i didn't have to think about if he was going to bring his fiance or try to come home with me. so that was good. i actually don't even have anything to say about him really besides that. i'm actually ok today. of course, i always want to see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria but it's more of an insecurity check than anything. i want to know that he thinks i'm attractive. that's all. i don't even want to see him for him.

anyways - i hope that everyone is doing well and maybe i'll have something funny to talk about next time i log in. i'm on my way up kids!!