and so i have a shitload of things to do today but need to take a break and clear my mind of the craziness of my emotions. i'm feeling a little mood swingy today. so there's no telling how long this wistful sadness will last. but while i'm in the midst of it, i'd like to get it out.

so i signed up to be an alternate for a race that my company sponsors every year. i've done this twice now and never have thought that they would actually call and say that they needed me. well, they did this year. i was elated and petrified at the same time. but i accepted the offer to take someone else's spot that decided to drop out and just do it. and so i am.

in preparation for my run, i've been running at least 3 times a week, cross training with dance classes 2 days a week with rest for the other 2 days. it's been pretty fantastic so far. i'm not running miles and miles but i'm at 1-1/2 mi so far and hoping to be at 2-1/2 to 3 mi by the end of April. anyways...i digress.

so in preparation for the run i was thinking that i really need to get some strength in my legs so that i could start working on my speed and running for longer periods of time. well, my job just recently (within the last 6 months) built a gym in our building to accommodate the personal trainer they were paying to come out and train people at lunch and after work. so i've been talking to the trainer for tips and going down into the gym to run. well, the running is improving however, i still want more guidance as to how i should be building power and muscle more steadily.

my solution came in the form of PT (personal trainer) offering a new set of classes for the summer. mama is so happy. at first, i wasn't going to do it although a friend of mine kept begging me to. i mean, the gym downstairs was free and i would be paying PT like $400 to train me a long with other people in the class. so i didn't know if it were worth it. i've since decided that it is and have signed up to be the poster child for before and after pictures. (you have no idea how excited i am about it).

that brings us to today. i think seri and his mistress might be taking the class. i haven't talked to him in a couple of weeks. i'm trying to live with the strategy of just not talking to him at all if i can help it. i'm slowly realizing that i deserve better and i'm trying to get back to living like i deserve better. because if i were a friend of mine, asking me for help, i'd be pissed at me for just sitting back and taking his abuse. so i'm trying to be done. i feel like an addict - taking it one day at a time. but that's the best i've got so far.

also, seri is doing the race too and i think he knows that i am too but he hasn't said anything to me about it. he just knows that i've been running. so we'll see how he responds to that if he hasn't heard already.

i haven't updated in forever, i know. but there are some things that i need to get off my chest these days.

let me take you back to Nov 15...
a friend of mine just had a baby. so i went to visit. on the way i called and asked if she'd like me to bring anything and wine was the suggested gift. so i go to the grocery store and pick up 3 bottles. one for us to drink, one for her to have and one for me. well turns out we drank all 3 bottles. because she laid a bomb on me (You might be able to see where this is going...).

"girl, i have a secret"
"oh you do do you? what's that?"
"i've been sleeping with seri for 4 years now"

well, i thought i was going to throw up all over myself. it was like some crazy fucking dream. i couldn't believe it. i could see him liking her but not her liking him. it was (and still is) all surreal to me. so she proceeds to tell me all the details of her relationship with him. i was shocked, dumbfounded, speechless, etc. i couldn't find the words to tell her. i couldn't even eat the dinner she'd made us.

it was a crazy happening. and i realized as she was telling me all of this, that she wanted me to share. i think she's had a feeling about me and him but didn't know for sure. i'm sure she thought that i would come right out and tell her. but i didn't. i gave him hell for it though. i must have called him every pussy ass nigga, scumbag muthafucka that i could think of.

so we fought all day at work on monday - through text which is very classy, adult and professional. i suggest that everyone try it. it was great. basically he said that he hadn't slept with her or anyone else at work for that matter, "but to be 100 i wouldn't put anyone out there like that even if i did". there's no doubt in my mind that he's been sleeping with her.

back to today, December 14...
she's back from maternity leave today and i am not ok. i was finally getting ok with how things were after him and i fought. but now i'm not feeling so good. i feel incredibly fat. i feel crazy for arguing with him about it. i feel stupid for continuing a relationship with him when i knew that he had a girlfriend, then a fiance. but all those things don't matter anymore.

i just need to pull it together and move on. because i have in some regards, but truth be told, i haven't completely. but her being here will force me to. she's makes me feel not good enough. not sexy enough. he treated her better than he treated me (in my mind) and that sucks. the rotation was mostly me and her but wow...it definitely breeds competition in me.

i have speculations and paranoid/intuitive thoughts about him and her. i have emotions about him not talking to me. i have emotions about him thinking that i'm crazy. i have emotions about everything. but at this point, i'm trying to remember that i'm better than that. i don't have to rely on his attention to feel good. i don't have to rely on him saying hi to feel normal. all i have to do is learn my lesson and move on.

so one step at a time i'm moving on. i needed to get it off of my chest today because it was so awkward talking to her this morning. mostly the same but a little awkward. and then we saw him and he avoided us. then i saw her baby's picture and although she says that it's someone else's baby - i think it's his.

and although i know i was a bootycall, it still hurts a little. because, as i was telling a friend, we're not friends and that hurts more than not sleeping with him. there's no connection anymore - but there is. i'm confused and mad. i told him that he keeps telling me that i'm his friend but apparently we have different definitions of what a friend is supposed to be. i told him that after a certain point i didn't try to make him my boyfriend. i even tried to not be friends with him at all but he kept fighting me and telling me that he wanted to be friends. i told him how i didn't understand that. and i'm not angry because he was sleeping around. i expected that. i'm angry that he continually puts me in bad situations with his wife, his friends, my friends - over and over again. and to me that's not what a friend does. and i told him that he always makes me step outside of myself and say things that i wouldn't normally say and that's not healthy.

that's my story - and that's my day. i need to kick it into gear and get over him. i'm trying but man, is it hard. but he's leaving work Jan 15 (another story for another day) so maybe life here will be better when he's gone.

and so i've been seeing someone. it's really new...and his name is george. it's great so far. he texts me alot. everyday actually. he thinks i'm beautiful, funny, smart...a good girl. and i love it. but i'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. i'm waiting to say, "they're all the same..." but at the same time i'm hoping that i don't get to say that. i hope that even if this doesn't work out, it'll be for a different reason. for a reason that i'm sure will hurt but won't scar. and the reason will allow me to say "i knew there were some good ones out there."

but i'm silently holding my breath on that,

i've been trying to be friends with seri. which has proven to be quite difficult. i'd told him that i couldn't be friends with him and he'd fought with me about it. then i cracked one night while we were out with our friends and his wife came. i kept calling his phone and texting him. in defense of my crazy, we were at a Bacardi Tasting party with freeflowing glasses of alcohol and also, he was flirting with me in front of her. so i was a lot of drunk and a little confused as to what i was supposed to how this was supposed to work. sometimes he texts and emails me then other times he doesn't. which i know means that i need to let it go, but really, that's going to take a while to happen. i'm trying to get over it at a steady (normal) pace. but we'll see if that really happens. i don't know how to be around him and not be the same that we were before. i've never had to do it before so it's a little weird for me.

other news:
eating has been fine. i've been eating more than i need to but no throwing up so i'm calling it a win-win. i've picked up a little weight too so i'm trying to make sure that i don't get too down on myself about that.

smoking has kind of let up too. so that has been good. i'm hoping to start running again soon because the weight that i'm putting on is not fun. People keep saying that they can't tell but i can and it's driving me crazy.

so all's well right now for the most part. living the dream, kids, i'm living the dream...

wedding bells

he got married.

i've been crying.

i'm back and i'm sure there's no one that reads this anymore. but i thought i'd write anyways. i have a lot on my mind right now.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

updates:

eating has been a bitch. a friend told me that i had bad eating habits and that didn't help since i'm the healthiest that i've been in a long time. i threw up again about three weeks ago. i hate that i do that. go for a while and then somehow lose my mind and head back to the place where i was. i've made a lot of missteps lately. so anyways as i was saying - i threw up and busted capillaries in my face and my eyes were hella puffy when i woke up. crazy shenanigans. so i had to come to work with looking like i got some back alley acupuncture that made my eyes puffy. going lie right now is "i think i'm allergic to vodka". since the night before i'd been out with friends in Boystown drinking and dancing the Thursday night away. so fun until i stopped for McDonalds at 4 am.

i slept with seri - again. it had been about 3 months or so. and for some reason i caved. it was hot and not emotional. which was great at first but now it has perpetuated the cycle again. and i hate myself for it. well hate is a strong word. i'm not "depressed" about it like i was before, but i know now that there's no just being content here and working with him. i really am going to have to leave here and just not be in contact with him which sucks cause i really like our mutual friends. but i'm thinking i'm going to have to drop them too just for safety's sake. i've never had to not be in a relationship with someone that i see all of the time. growing up in the military is great in the way that it lets you experience different cultures and see other places however, it sucks in the dealing with life's biggest issues sometimes. we moved every 2 to 3 years of my life. if i broke up with a boyfriend it really wasn't an issue because one of us was usually moving so we wouldn't see each other without much effort anyways. so that was that. very different when you live in neighboring counties and therefore take the same way home and work in the same office - even if you don't officially work on the same projects.

other than that, life is essentially fine. my little brother - he's 20 - informed me yesterday that he'd like to join the US Air Force. Ugh. that was definitely not on my list of things that i wanted to give my brother advice about. he's a man. he can make his own decisions. but i don't want him to do it and i told him. i mean, seriously, who joins the military in the middle of a war because he doesn't know what to do with his life? yeah - not so much a good reason eh? so i told him that i thought that he needed to just take a break. drop his college class load down a little so he has some free time, dump his girlfriend that he's been fighting with, and go out and really find out what he wants to do. there are so many jobs out there, it's just a matter of finding your niche you know? i try not to tell him what to do. our parents do a good job of that. my dad told him he was stupid for wanting to do that - which i agree but said it differently. he also told him that he joined the military and struggled through life so that my brother and i didn't have to. my brother didn't get it. he thought my dad was being a tool and just trying to stunt his growth as a man. but really my dad is just worried. and he knows the pains of the military. not being around family because you're too far away, losing touch with friends you grew up with, stability of being in one place with a support system, having to pick up and go when you're orders are delivered, being separated from your family in times of war...my brother doesn't remember the times my dad had to leave for war. he was so young. he didn't feel the disappointment and worry when my dad wouldn't call when he said he would because he couldn't. when my dad had to leave for months - sometimes a year - at a time to work on some special "confidential" project. crazy. my brother just thinks that it's going to buy him some time to figure out where his life is going. so this week he's going to talk to a recruiter. the older sister in me wants to kick him in the balls and tell him that that's a bad idea. but the friend in me said to call before he goes so we can go through questions that he needs to ask and discuss it afterward to see what he thinks afterward. i wish i could point him in the right direction, but lord knows, i'm struggling myself. :-)

so that's what's happening in Chi-city. i hope all is well where you are.

waiting to have an update meeting with my department so i have a little free time. i hate when you finish a project and could start something else before your meeting - but that would cause mayhem and confusion because you'd have to stop wherever you were when it was time for the meeting and couldn't really finish your thought. so i'm avoiding that with this blog. it's update time.

i'm having a great time here lately. i've been dating. good times. some drunken times. seri is still on my mind but much less than before. he really is an asshole and you know that i could really get into it and just type away the drama, but it's really not worth it anymore. i've known he is an asshole for a long time. but now i'm not hiding my disdain. i'm tired of the bullshit and really just annoyed by the nonsense on any given day. so i've pulled back from him a lot. i just thought about it because he came up to talk a little bit ago and i just don't really have any niceties or pleasantries to exchange with him anymore.

work is fine. in some ways i'm ready to move on but mostly i'm fine. i really like what i do. i think the seri situation has just really tainted the way that i feel about being here. which isn't fair but the way it is. i can't blame it all on him but i like to pretend that i can. makes me feel better.

i haven't thrown up since Valentine's Day. so i will be purge free for two months next Tuesday. that's exciting. i've started feeling so much better about myself. the fat days are not as overwhelming as they were a year ago today. i am not incapacitated by fat thoughts or trying to find something to eat at any given time. i don't have panic attacks in the grocery store anymore. it's amazing, actually, to think of how far i've come with this and how much healthier (and skinnier) i am now that i'm not doing that. i think doing that helped accelerate and maybe even caused many of my thyroid issues. but alas, i don't know that for sure. just speculating.

bellydance is going well. one of these days i'm going to be amazing. we had evaluations saturday after class and i got a really good report. i'm happy about that because this is something that i love and would like to be good at. i've been in class since about august i think. so to hear such encouraging words even though i feel like i suck most of the time is great. hopefully i'll keep progressing.

i think that's it for the update. i hope that all is well with everyone.

so although i've been thinking about him a lot and wanting to be with him. i haven't given in physically - which is a first. my dad thinks that i'll go back to him - but i am truly determined not to this time. and apparently, the universe is testing me as he's been coming up a lot here lately to "work" and stop by and talk. so strange the clarity you gain after you're away from someone for a while. i feel like the wool's been removed from my eyes and although i kind of knew - now i definitely know and i don't want to fall for it again. so that's where i'm at with that.

i purged valentine's day night for the first time since October. i hate that i did it. but i haven't had the urge to do it again since then. so we're at about 4 days and recounting. maybe this time i can last longer than 4 months. we'll see.

other than that, most things are going well. and i'm actually happy being me.

and so, mentally, i fell into the trap again. and i was starting back down the road of seri-ism and then i heard something that turned my stomach and made me nauseous - and backed up everything that i'd "known" for so long. and i'm tired and done. i keep saying that, but every time it becomes truer and truer. it's rung true for a long time but i keep backsliding. why? i was lonely. desperate. unloved and wanting it so badly that i just caved. i gave up my smoking and eating disorder. but i can't give him up without a fight. yesterday i told him i was embarassed to know him. that i'd been stupid to even be involved with him. but that it wasn't his fauly. i accepted full responsibility for my actions. he asked me what he did to deserve that - and i didn't have any answers. i wanted to say "pick an instance. just any instance where you didn't do something that would hurt me or make me feel like just a piece of meat." but i didn't. it's not all his fault. i let it happen. and this morning i listened to luther vandross and cried all the way to work. i wasn't even listening to the sad, crappy - 'how dare you take advantage of me' songs. it was the beautiful love songs that inspired some sort of peace and healing that i'd been looking for for a long time and felt was just out of my reach. today i will be a mess but for the most part, i'm sooo happy that i'm done (again). hopefully this time will stick. i told him that i couldn't even be friends with him - at all. we'll see what the future holds.

i want to give up. on love. on life. on everything. and just live in my little "woe is me" bubble. but alas, my will sucks ass and makes me get through things. one day i'll look back on this and laugh. i'll remember the good times and some of the bad. i'll still be angry about the girl at his birthday and relish in the way he touched my body. i'll appreciate the times he cared enough to sincerely ask me if i was ok - and really took the time to listen. i'll still be annoyed by the times that he ignored my texts but then called to see if he could come over. the bitter and the sweet are what make life so great - and i need to remember that i'll get through it. even though my heart hurts a little bit today. and even though i feel stupid for letting him in and feeling so vulnerable. and although i keep kicking myself about the fact that i let him disrespect me so much.

i'm thankful. thankful to know what i'm looking for now. thankful that i know who i am right now and can see the woman that i'm striving to be. thankful that i can show people my human side and know where my weaknesses are. i'm thankful that i've never been the type to become bitter and hate all men for the transgressions of one. i'm truly thankful this morning. (and a little dramatic).

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

i'm frustrated with my job today. very frustrated. i'm at the point of saying, "if you're going to lay me off, could you do it already?" why drag out the inevitable? really? i'm tired. so tired.

tonight the plan is to refill out my school application for The Chicago School of Psychology - the irony is not lost on me. i would like to finish my essay this week as well. i was supposed to have it done earlier last week for sure and of course i just couldn't do it. so this week i need to step it up and get it done. today is the day that i feel for sure that i need to get the hell up out of dodge.

in other news, a couple of friends and i are giving a bellydance/sex seminar this weekend. it's going to be soooo fun. i can't wait. i'm a little worried about it, but right now, we're pretty much breaking even as far as the money that we put in. so that's good. the first two hours are going to be bellydancing. the ladies that attend will be learning a choreographed dance with "7 sensual moves" to do for their significant other or lover. at the end of that part of the seminar, they can purchase the cd with the music for each dance on it. the second part of the seminar, we are having a woman that owns a sex toy shop come in and give a "talk/demonstration" about loving yourself and someone else - sexually. also, we are planning to have a cash bar, a vendor to sell bellydance belts and accessories, and we're going to be giving away door prizes that were donated by various vendors. i think it's going to be a successful venture. if you know anyone in the chicago area that would like participate, it's on Feb 7 at Studio 57 on 57th and Western. It starts at 1 pm and costs $35. it's going to be sooo much fun!!

so reality keeps slapping me in the face. i was a bootycall for sure. and i knew that. but part of me wanted it to go deeper than that. so i'm being a girl and whining to myself (and you) about it. i suck.

i'm tired.

we have been having layoffs at work off and on. the first one was in november and the second one was last week. we're supposedly having another on in february which scares the shit out of me. i wouldn't worry so much if i was in GA with my family. but since i'm up here alone and at a particularly weak point in my life, i'm a little worried. i know that i'll need to man up and get myself together but really, it's just worrisome thinking about what all i would need to do to make it. i'm not one of those people that has 3 months of rent saved up for just a situation as this. yep, i'm one of those people that always thought a tv, trip, shoes, late nights of boozing were way more important than saving money. yep - i'm going to need to not repeat that in the future. :-)

other than that, i've been procrastinating a lot. to the point that i'm annoying myself. so i can only imagine how other people must feel dealing with me right about now. it's good times.

oh - life...i love it but why it so aggravating all of the time?? seriously - can't a girl catch a break?

I DID IT!!

so half of the battle has been won! we didn't talk like we were supposed to and i asked him when that was going to happen. he said later on this week. annoying as usual. so i told him that was fine - we didn't have to talk. then he's like - why? i like talking to you. so i went through the motions reminding him of what i said last week in the text about not wanting to do this anymore and said that i meant that. he asked why and i told him. he says he understands but i don't believe that. so that was surprisingly easy. now the hard part is going to be sticking to my guns about the whole thing.

so that's been my day today. now i'm thankful that we don't hang out that often together in public. it would be a lot harder to deal with if we did.

now on to turning in school applications - for real this time. i'm checking things off the list...

i did it...

so last night we all (the work group) went to birthday party for a guy that we work with at a bar downtown. it was definitely a good time. seri was there and that was fine too. we had a good time talking and dancing - a little. since no one at work knows about us, we can't really be seen together. so that was a little frustrating.

this morning i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. that the whole thing was just too much and that being in that situation with all of our work friends just showed me that it wasn't going to get any better. that it'd always be a situation where we couldn't just chill and have a good time. so i didn't want to do it anymore. as you can see, i did it the nice way - even though he doesn't really deserve it. he texted back and told me that he wanted to talk about it when we both got back into town this weekend. i don't know what there is to talk about. regardless of this situation and the reason that i said i couldn't be with him - he's getting married!! we shouldn't be together anyways!! i shouldn't have to give a reason - it's innate. you're marrying the woman that you supposedly love - HELLO!!

so anyways that's that. like i said, i'm trying to get out this time. i've had enough pain. first with the ED - and that never goes away. the craving to purge is almost palpable sometimes. now seri - i'm working on getting another job in the field of counseling that i want to go into (crisis counseling). after i'm not at this job anymore and seeing him everyday, it'll be easier to deal with not being with him.

you know what's coming...

seri and i are still seri and i. it's slowed down a lot from what it was, but somehow it's a little more intimate than it was too. and i really don't know what to think of it all. yep, there's that again.

so i talked to seri the friday after the blow out and just told him that i wanted to clear the air because i was tired of being mad at him. it really exhausts me. so he came upstairs and we talked about it. he tried to lighten the situation and say that the guy that hit on me was probably doing so because he thought i was cute and did i ever think about that? well i did and i let him know that it crossed the line from just hitting on me to something a little more serious. he didn't say anything about that - and he doesn't know that it struck a nerve because of the assault that i had before. which i'm not one to just divulge that kind of information in order to get bonus sympathy points or anything like that. then he told me that he didn't tell anyone except his friend that lives a few miles from me - he didn't even tell his best friend at the office (which i still think is a lie). so i just said that he was the only one at our job that i was sleeping with and that i didn't appreciate even the thought of him telling people that i would sleep with his friends, etc. so after my spiel he said that he would never say anything like that about me and he was sorry that that happened, but he wasn't saying anything about me. and he said that it didn't matter what the guy said anyways because it wasn't true - to which i reminded him that it doesn't matter if it's true or not. people believe what they want and i've already put myself in a bad situation dealing with him at all. so that was that. i was still mad after talking to him. for most of the "fight" i just sat and stared at him while he was talking, trying to read him and also trying to find the best way to say all of the angry things that were floating through my mind.

needless to say, i forgive entirely too easily and have just kind of brushed the whole thing off. not entirely but for the most part. i should say that we've mended things not that i've brushed it off. part of the reason is that after i thought about it for a while i remembered that we'd both been at a happy hour gathering together and gotten a little drunk. and although we thought we were being slick with our side glances and light touches, i know now that we weren't and assume that that is how M knew that something was going on. not because seri was running his mouth - although he may have.

that leads into what i'm thinking about now. the other night seri texted and asked if he could stop by and say hi. obviously i don't care. so i told him that i was rearranging furniture and cleaning but he could stop by. i just needed to take a shower - so let me know when he was on his way. also - this was 11pm - AKA - bootycall hour. he said fine he'd be there in about 30 minutes. (to his credit he also offered to meet for lunch the next day too if that night wasn't good for me, but i was going to a Bears game and said that that night would be fine.) so he came over and we just sat on the couch and talked. it was great and comfortable and just nice. i loved it, of course. but i was waiting for him to make his move. this was obviously a bootycall - which again, i was ok with. (i'm so weak). but we talked for a lot longer than i thought we would and started playing around and he was tickling me and what not - then came the kiss. great kiss. but i stopped it and said "i thought you just stopped by to say hi" - i threw it back at him only because that's what he kept telling me. that he'd stopped by on his way home to say hi. so we walked to the door and kissed - and it all fell apart. totally ended up "doing it". he kept saying afterward that he really did just stop by to say hi.

i think i'm being a girl and just falling for bullshit at this point because i want to believe it. i do think that he wanted a bootycall. but at the same time he did want to see me and talk to me and hang out. i don't understand what he has with this girl that he's with and what he has with me. i asked him the other day what it would take for him to be completely comfortable marrying her and he said he doesn't know. now, i'm not deluding myself and thinking that he's going to tell me that he's not marrying her and wants to be with me (although part of me would love for that to happen) but i am confused. he keeps throwing me for a loop. like before he left the other night. we talked more and it's just so damn comfortable and nice with him. i need to just walk away instead of thinking about why he's doing the things that he's doing. we have some crazy connection - and it's not just because we've slept together. like today he emailed and told me that his mom isn't doing well and she's really struggling financially. the other night, he was telling me that he applied for a new job - and it was so sad. not just on my part, but he was sad telling me about it. he really opened up to me about it and was asking how i felt about it and i just said that there was no point in worrying about something that he had no control over. but that i thought he would get the job and really, that he deserved the job (he's good at what he does). i just threw me again, because it was like i was hanging out with my boyfriend and i didn't think that he felt that way but it seemed like he did. and it made all of the times that he's hurt me and we talked about it, seem like he was really telling the truth - and he really didn't mean it.

so now i'm partially grieving this new level that we've come to because it won't/can't last and partially celebrating it because i love it.

when i talked to my sister about this the other day and was crying and telling her that i didn't know what to do about this, she asked me if i loved him - and i said no. i didn't completely lie to her. i don't love him yet, but it's getting there - and i'm almost at the point of accepting that i'm going to get seriously hurt in this whole thing and keeping it moving.

so stupid.

and so the saga continues...

it's another seri story...

it's going to be confusing but i need to get it out of me and well, you're the lucky audience.

seri and i were still hanging out and occasionally sleeping together. but no one was supposed to know about it besides the people i like to call the "givens". in this case, i told the girl that i work with and a girl that i used to work with and i assumed that he'd told a guy that he works with and his best friend that lives like 3 miles from me. apparently, he's running his mouth to more people than that which is why i'm so pissed today but saw coming. (have i mentioned before that i'm stupid?)

so the friday before last, a girl's husband hit on me at a company happy hour we went to. we were sitting at the bar together and he kept mentioning my boobs. then he kept asking to look down my shirt. then we went to a girl's townhouse for the "after party". not just us, but everybody from the bar - and even at the girl's house, he was all up in my space. but at this point, he was asking me to sleep with him. it was not cool. it got to the point where it was scary and he was pulling on me and just wouldn't take no for an answer. this guy is friends with seri and is married to a girl that i've been becoming better friends with. i was really mad about that. spitting mad. and i figured that seri had been runing his mouth to his friends and mentioned us sleeping together. not only to the "givens" but to other people too.

this is when i got concerned because it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and seconds to destroy one. that's what my parents have always taught me and that's what i live by. which is why i didn't want anyone knowing about us from the beginning.

well, while i was in philly visiting family, a friend we'll call A, calls to tell me that she talked to the girl who's husband hit one me (we'll call M) and M basically asked her if seri and i had slept together. at this point, i know for sure that seri's been running his mouth because there was no way for her to know or even suspect anything about it since i don't talk to her about stuff like that. so the only way she could have known is if seri told her husband and her husband told her. it sincerely pisses me off and makes me want to get the hell up out of dodge.

so saturday when i got back in to town from philly, seri texted to see where i was, of course, and i didnt' answer. i went to my apartment, turned on the lights and hoped that he'd drive by and see the lights on and realize that i just stood him up to do nothing but sit on my couch. it actually turned out to be the best part of my weekend. but i wouldn't tell him that.

he came up today to talk to me and i couldn't even turn around and look at hi. i was so pissed. he kept asking me what was wrong and usually, i'd just tell him. but today i just said that i didn't even have it in me to talk to him right then and i just really didn't want to talk about it period. so he emailed and asked if i was ok and what happened. he'd said at my desk that it wasn't friendly for me to not return his text and i told him i wasn't feeling all that friendly towards him lately.

so i just emailed him back and told him that i'm done dealing with him. i'm sick of the bullshit. I didn't tell him this, but my reputation is on the line and i'm not willing to kill my rep for him. i'm stupid, but my god...give me a little bit of credit. i like him, but i'll get over it. and if it means that i can't hang out with people because they're primarily his friends or he's going to be around, then so be it. i'm sick of it.

long time no write...

the update:

i'm still messing around with seri. it's a long story that i'm sure you don't want to hear about. frankly, i bore myself complaining about this and not doing anything to stop it. i'm not as emotional about it. i've actually been weening myself off of him. so now i'm the chick that sleeps with taken men. it's awesome. i hate myself a little for that.

food is still the enemy. but a little less so. i did a liquid detox for 3 weeks that kicked the purging into high gear. the purging gave me a license to cheat. i could eat what i wanted and get rid of it which meant that i still did ok on the detox. i'm stupid really. so i finished with that and i lost a pant and shirt size. so i look better than i did, but haven't had a chance to really get used to it yet. and i still feel as fat ever. sometimes even fatter which is strange. i don't think i'll ever be right. i thought if i got down to 145 i'd be fine, but i touched that weight and thought "135 is just around the corner". not cool. i don't know where i'll stop.

got hit on by two married men this weekend. one is my friend's husband and the other doesn't wear a ring. crazy. my friend's husband just wouldn't leave me alone. and he kept saying that i needed to just do it. that she would never find out and i didn't need to be afraid of her. so crazy. apparently there's a sign on my forehead that says that i'll do any married or engaged within 5 miles. whatever. the other guy, i knew liked me but i didn't realize that he was married because he never wears a ring. i don't understand that. but that's me.

other than that, everything's great. i talked to a girl that does the kind of counseling that i want to do and found that it's community/crisis counseling. so that's exciting. i'm looking at different programs now to see what would be the best fit. i'm scared shitless to be back in school, but i'm going back - i really am.

so that's life as we know it. a lot stupid, a little content, and a little scary.

it just doesn't make sense...

i've been cutting a lot of people out of my life here lately. not necessarily on purpose or maybe on purpose but not maliciously. i'm just tired is all. i'm still happy and wonderful, but just want to be alone for a little bit. so i usually go to work, go home, hang out with a few choice people, and just chill the rest of the time. it's weird. every now and then i just go through this phase of just needing to be. just be.

i went back through some of the posts that i've written and well, i'm a little disappointed in myself. i complain a lot (which i knew about myself) but really, it's not that necessary. i talk about the same things all the time. the processing helps and you can see the clarity as i work through things, but at the same time, i need to progress somehow. i'm stuck in a rut and i need to climb out of it.

money is a huge issue. i need to get my finances together. so at some point, i need to sit down and write out a plan of what i want to accomplish and how i'm going to accomplish it. hmmm... i need some financial guidance. this is the stress of my life. money.

lately i've been thinking about what i want to do with my life too. i'm actually a little embarrassed to say it. but i want to be a counselor. and the funny thing is, when i decided this, that's when my world started falling apart. i started with the eating disorder hardcore, i was sexually assaulted, i became really emotional...etc. part of my reasoning is that i would like to keep people from going through the same things that i have, i'd like to do that. i would like to do rape, crisis, PTSD counseling at some point. but also, i'd like to help kids figure out what they want to do and what roads will actually take them there. like what a guidance counselor is supposed to be. not just what they are known for. i'd like to be apart of the few that actually do what they are supposed to do.

anyways - i just had a drop in hormones and the tears are close to coming. i hate that. so i'm going to need to go now. hope everyone is well and i hope that my hormone level returns to normal soon. i'm going to need to not cry today. :-)

there are a lot of things that i was going to say in this post. just about life in general and then i erased it. all of it. i've been having a crisis of sorts here lately. my skin was looking shitty, my attitude was sour, i was emotional and just not the life of the party that i usually am with my friends. i just felt so fake and lifeless. then sunday, i went shopping, treated myself to a facial and thai food, then watched the Bears/Colts game on the phone with my dad. it was just a good restful day. the only thing that would have made it better would have been if i'd gone to church and really felt like i was back "in" with god. i've been on the outs for a while now. not because i feel like he kicked me out, but rather i turned my back on that to do what i wanted.

so yesterday and today i've been so free. just light and airy and wonderful. i can't explain it. i'm not overly ecstatic, i'm just in love with life right now. and i realize that it's going to hurt talking to seri sometimes and life in general may not be too comfortable - but it's ok. i'm still here, i'm still strong and i need to remember that it's ok to feel things and to be emotional - i just can't let that control me.

so with that said, things have been going fine. i still haven't thrown up or used laxatives in what seems like forever. i've decided to go back to school for sure. so now i need to just finish writing those damn essays so i can send in my application. i'm serious about it this time.

i'm still dancing. and when i'm not dancing, i'm working out which has helped the eating struggles. one of these days i'll be able to eat without the paranoia. i'm really excited for that day. and i've kind of revisited my body goals and have decided that i don't want to be skinny. i just want to tone up and fit well into my clothes at whatever size that i may be. i hope to get to the point where i don't even own a scale anymore. that's down the road a ways but i know that i can do it.

so that's that. nothing has really changed but my attitude. but it's for the better and i'm excited to see my life follow.

today i asked seri to walk down to breakfast with me at work. i know that i need to be careful with him, but at the same time - i wanted to be sure that i'm ok, you know? i've never had to live and breathe around someone i'd broken up with or terminated any kind of relationship with after the fact. i've always moved. every 1 - 3 years of my life besides college. so it's been really hard for me to deal him being around and having mutual friends that don't know anything about it. this morning he told me that he doesn't think he's getting married. that she's calling it off. well, honestly, i didn't think it was going to last anyways. but now, although i'm sad for him and i would go get a drink or something with him (and a group of people), i can't go back down that road with him. he had his chance with me - and i'm turning out to be one of those stupid girls that keeps going back but i'm trying my damnedst not to be that girl this time. i knew that he wanted me to wait it out before because he didn't think it was going to happen. but i can't do that this time. i still like him, but now i'm finally back at the point of being able to see the whole picture instead of just the pieces that are close to me. so i need to do what's best and stop lowering my standards and being desperate. just because i feel for him doesn't mean that i have to be an idiot about him.

so that's the thought process right now. i'm working on myself again. one of these days it'll actually pay off.

i've been invited to a going away party for one of seri's friends, by one of my friends that works with seri. she doesn't know about me and seri - so i don't think it's a setup. but i'm debating on whether or not i should go. i'm finally fine with him. i can be around him (when necessary) without being all worked up or longing for him, etc. FINALLY. but i don't know if he's bringing his fiance or not. so that throws a wrench in my plans. i would go even if she was there and be fine. but i don't know if he's told her anything about me. i would assume not, but then again, i've assumed alot of things about him and they've turned out not to be so good. so that's my weekend dilemma. i'm thinking that i'm not going to go. that's the strongest instinct that i have and so i should probably follow it right?

so i think i told y'all that i was taking bellydancing and i love it. well i still love it. and not just "love it", but LOVE it. so now i'm going to Samba lessons too. and that i just love. it's not my favorite just because i have the body issues and don't think i'm sexy. i'm getting there though. i can do all of the moves except one. i just need to get comfortable with myself and get my sexy on. at bellydance, i've been told i'm a natural, which of course makes me feel great. but at the same time makes me put pressure on myself to be the best at it. and if i don't do it perfectly, i can get kind of OCD about it. but it's been a good thing for me.

i haven't thrown up in almost a month either - i think it's going on about 3 weeks. thank goodness. so i'm holding steady with that. i need to start running again so i can tone up and just feel better about myself. i've been trying to keep busy so that i can keep my mind and body occupied. that way i won't even have time to think about throwing up because i'll be so tired from running around or on my way somewhere so i can't do it. that's the plan right now. so far it's been working. i haven't lost any weight but i feel better. so it's working as far as i'm concerned.

other than that, not much else has been going on really. i've had my eye on the DHL man that picks up deliveries at my job every night. so i don't mind staying too late after work because i get to see him if i time it right. a little eye candy never hurt right? if i could just get past myself - i might actually ask him out at some point. we'll see.

I know i'm not a man, but i LOVE the picture of the man covering his face. So cute and flirty.

let's see how life is...
work...is work. i like it for the most part. but every now and then it throws me a curve ball. a woman was fired in an adjacent department and now my coworker is applying for that job. it's hard to think of her leaving but i think this will be a great move for her. i think her career will advance really quickly and she'll get to where she wants to be sooner than she originally thought. and the best thing is that this opportunity comes at a great time becasue her mom had to have a surgery that sent her into early retirement. so now if A gets this job, then she'll be able to afford to send money home to her mom and things won't be so tough on her. so anyways, i said all that to say that i hope she gets it, even though it's going to be weird not working with her.

life...is going well. i'm taking a dancing class - bellydance that is. it's great and i love it. apparently i'm really good at it too. who knew that the girl that hates her body would be good at such a physical activity? well i am. so i'm thinking i'll be doing this for a while now. a friend and i are starting samba lessons tomorrow too. i'm soooo excited. i love dancing so i'm thinking that this will be my new way of working out. money permitting, i'm going to be doing this for a long time.

seri...he's fine. there's flirting and what not, but nothing's going on anymore. so that's good. i can see clearly that he treated me like a whore and really, i let him. so i need to correct that mentality for the next "relationship" or whatever i get myself into. a part of me is still so attached to him too though which is annoying. but i think it's because he "beat" me and i feel like i can't let him "win". stupid i know, but you know how that goes.

eating...it's fine. i haven't thrown up for about 2 weeks now - maybe 3. the time before last that i threw up, i busted a ton of blood vessels in my face and it looked like some weird red speckly rash. so that's what i told people it was. i also couldn't really breathe either. i was having an allergic reaction to something that i threw up and my throat was swollen. it was good times. i had to take benadryl for about a week to counteract the allergic reaction and just wait for the "rash" to go away. you'd think that would keep me from throwing up again, but i gave in the other day. i hate that i did. but i really don't think about it much anymore. so that's good. i feel like i'm getting better. and that's part of the reason that i love dance because it's taking my mind off of being "so fat". you'd think that it would make things worse but bellydancers are supposed to have a little cushion for the pushing. also, i'm down about 10 pounds naturally (the throwing up has never helped me lose weight) so that helps things too.

i think that's about it right now. i'm just working on making myself busy, making my apartment that i've been in for about 4 months comfortable and inviting for people to come over and hang out - which it seems like i've done because people are always asking to come over. i don't get it but i love it. i've been working on getting back into school for my degree. so that's something good that's been keeping my mind occupied and keeping me focused on getting better.

so that's what i've been up to. hope everyone's good. i still want to be thin but not trying quite so hard to do it the unhealthy way. :-)

just got back from florida on Sunday. i LOVE it there. it's hot as hell down there with no rain, but it was soooo great. one of my best friends from college lives there so i went down for her birthday. so fun. this is the last year that she will be able to do what she wants as she is "with child" and she's due at the end of January. i can't believe she's going to be a mommy. it's so weird when your friends have their first kid. i'm so excited for her. they're going to be great parents.

so while i was there, we went to the beach (you have to), shopping, had a game night with her extended family and just kind of chilled. usually, she has 50 milion things she wants me to do with her, but this time we just relaxed and hung out. i loved it. and actually got a little teary eyed when i had to leave.

so that was good - i got some sun and cleared my mind a little. i needed that vacation. i was getting too caught up in myself here. and also being in miami and ft. lauderdale reminds me that i'm a normal girl, i weigh a normal amount and i'm just...normal. i could definitely have a worse life than i have. i complain alot (to myself) that i'm just not where i need to be financially, emotionally, etc. but really, i'm doing ok.

best moment from the beach: jenny and i are sitting on these beach chairs soaking up the sun and watching all of the people around us. we found this one little girl particularly interesting as she was trying to build sandcastles at the water's edge while the rest of her family was in the water playing and swimming. well, you could tell she was getting really frustrated about her sandcastle making as they just weren't standing up or when she'd lift the pail, the sand would tumble out into a shapeless mound. jenny and i were just on the verge of going over and giving her some pointers when she started digging this deep hole to get wetter sand. we were enthralled in this whole process for about a good 20 minutes. eventually, the girl gets wet enough sand, makes the perfect sandcastle and moves along to play with her family. about 5 minutes after she's abandoned her castle project, two guys around 20ish come walking by. they just reak of alcohol and bad attitudes. just as they really get their "i'm way too cool for this" stride, the biggest tool of them steps into the hole that the little girl dug. seriously, the funniest thing i've seen in a long time. he didn't fall completely, but enough that he had to brace himself with his hand (the one without the beer) and his friend had to jump out of the way. his friend, jenny and i had the best laugh about it. he kind of grinned it off and moved along. as his friend was laughing, he stopped close enough to us to hear us say, "we probably should have given them some kind of warning. i mean, she just dug it about 15 minutes ago..." the friend laughed a little harder, the guy that fell was not quite as amused. but we had a good solid laugh about it.

so funny. i think you had to be there...