and so, mentally, i fell into the trap again. and i was starting back down the road of seri-ism and then i heard something that turned my stomach and made me nauseous - and backed up everything that i'd "known" for so long. and i'm tired and done. i keep saying that, but every time it becomes truer and truer. it's rung true for a long time but i keep backsliding. why? i was lonely. desperate. unloved and wanting it so badly that i just caved. i gave up my smoking and eating disorder. but i can't give him up without a fight. yesterday i told him i was embarassed to know him. that i'd been stupid to even be involved with him. but that it wasn't his fauly. i accepted full responsibility for my actions. he asked me what he did to deserve that - and i didn't have any answers. i wanted to say "pick an instance. just any instance where you didn't do something that would hurt me or make me feel like just a piece of meat." but i didn't. it's not all his fault. i let it happen. and this morning i listened to luther vandross and cried all the way to work. i wasn't even listening to the sad, crappy - 'how dare you take advantage of me' songs. it was the beautiful love songs that inspired some sort of peace and healing that i'd been looking for for a long time and felt was just out of my reach. today i will be a mess but for the most part, i'm sooo happy that i'm done (again). hopefully this time will stick. i told him that i couldn't even be friends with him - at all. we'll see what the future holds.

i want to give up. on love. on life. on everything. and just live in my little "woe is me" bubble. but alas, my will sucks ass and makes me get through things. one day i'll look back on this and laugh. i'll remember the good times and some of the bad. i'll still be angry about the girl at his birthday and relish in the way he touched my body. i'll appreciate the times he cared enough to sincerely ask me if i was ok - and really took the time to listen. i'll still be annoyed by the times that he ignored my texts but then called to see if he could come over. the bitter and the sweet are what make life so great - and i need to remember that i'll get through it. even though my heart hurts a little bit today. and even though i feel stupid for letting him in and feeling so vulnerable. and although i keep kicking myself about the fact that i let him disrespect me so much.

i'm thankful. thankful to know what i'm looking for now. thankful that i know who i am right now and can see the woman that i'm striving to be. thankful that i can show people my human side and know where my weaknesses are. i'm thankful that i've never been the type to become bitter and hate all men for the transgressions of one. i'm truly thankful this morning. (and a little dramatic).

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.