i'm still a size 12 which is great. i'm loving it, as justin would say. i feel good and feel i look good for the most part. and haven't purged since the 16th. so that's good too. roomie being sick has kept me at bay on that one. the girl is always frickin home. good lawd!!

the boy is fine. i like him a lot. and that bothered me for a while obviously. but now i'm just settling in to it and enjoying the butterflies and crushing. strange, but true. we talked on the phone last night and...it was just...great. it's like being in high school again where you talk about nothing but everything. my last boyfriend made me crazy. he ran my life and turned shit around on me and made me feel like it was my fault. so i think that's why i was so OCD about him liking me and wanting to be with me because my last boyfriend, Matt, made me believe that he would be gone at a moment's notice all of the time. and he grabbed my fat a lot. it's just not cute to grab or poke someone's love handles or pinch the back of their arms. i was fine and happy until i dated him. not that he's the sole cause of the issues, but he definitely helped them along. him and my dad. joyous people to be around.

anyways - i like seri and he likes me. and things are good and calm. i like that about him too. i won't gush about him just yet.

this weekend is going to be a long relaxing one. i'm planning to rent some movies and drink some wine. maybe go running a time or two. cook a little bit. things i know i can eat guilt-free.

i finally bought a battery for my scale and i'm a little freaked out. i want to know what i weigh since i've lost inches. but i'm also afraid of what the scale is going to say. it's so triggering and consuming. i don't know if i really want to know. this could lead to a laxative binge for me. like last weekend when i felt huge for some reason. i only took 8 though instead of 12 like normal. like that was something to be proud of. i don't understand it myself and i live it on a regular basis.

in other news: i haven't gotten my period yet. and i should have gotten it on the 26th. it's just a couple of days late. and i really don't think i'm pregnant, but there is the possibility. so that's been a secret i've kept for a little while here. and being the "christian" heathen that i am, i don't know if i'd keep it if i were pregnant. scary but true. i hate that i'm so iffy like that. there's little room for that with most christian people (one of the reasons i've pulled away from the church so much) and it bothers me. we all make mistakes. blah. i can't get into the christian spiel right now.

hope all is well with everyone. catch you on the flip side.

first things first...

1. I am now fitting into a size 12 comfortably. so that's fun. people at work keep asking me if i've lost weight and i thought i hadn't. so i kept saying no. but turns out that i have. so i'm going to not buy batteries for my scale for a little while longer. maybe that's helping me out. although i would love to know what i weigh right now.

2. the boy is driving me fricking crazy. i let him under my skin with the whole "let's lay in each other's arms after we have sex" thing. shit!! what was i thinking? now roomie is telling me that we're supposed to be together and live this amazing life and have tons of babies and the american dream. i'm not confident about that. i think that he's just like that after sex or thinks that's what i want. and i need to act like i know that. instead of acting like my friends know everything. man, it's annoying. then today i got jealous. i mean, really jealous. because i saw this big booty girl in his cube laughing and talking and having a good time. and i know that he loves a big titted, big bootied girl. so that bothered me just a smidge. and by "smidge" i mean "insanely". so i had to just sit in my cube and get myself together. "fight the crazy" i said. and so i did - and so i will from now on. i hate when my friends come to me for advice about a boy and all they want me to say is "i think he really likes you". i'm not delusional - he likes me, but it's not that serious. and i need to remember that when the romantics think they're helping.

3. i haven't started training yet for the half marathon, etc. i need to get to that already. at least start walk/running.

i think that's all i've got for today.

we all knew this would happen

so i'm a crybaby. i admit it. and i'm a tad bit obsessive-compulsive. but the truth of the matter is that i'm fine for the most part. i have an eating disorder that i talk about on here constantly (cause i can't talk to anyone here). and i have issues with intimacy and trust. but i was doing good. then i had to go sleep with seri and turn into one of those girls that doesn't want to be needy, but really is. that doesn't want to show vulnerability but she's extremely vulnerable. i put up this fricking facade, that if you saw me on the street or with my friends, you'd never know what was going on. i'm so sensitive that i have to do that or i'd be a walking wound. and i can't have that. so today i'm deciding to get some shit done.

1. call the car company about fixing my car
2. fax insurance papers to the car place
3. finish filling out my applications for school
4. start my essays for school (to be finished this weekend)
5. get some serious work done at work (i'm starting to drown now)

this is the beginning of a new day. if i can't stop the world to get this stuff done. the world is going to have to hold on tight, cause it's not stopping me. at some point, you have to pull yourself up at the boot straps and get it done, right? so that's what i'm doing today.

marking shit off the list. thinking about how much i want seri a little less.

...and so...i did it. i slept with seri. and it was good. really good. leg shaking good. so good in fact that my body felt awesomely light all throughout the next day. i told him not to feel like he had to stay afterward, but he did. he slept for a couple of hours and held me. usually, i don't really like that, but it was nice. and he insisted on it. i didn't ask or back into him or lay my head on his chest or anything. i was just laying there and he pulled me to him. being the hopeless romantic that i am, i try not to let those kind of shenanigans go on. usually, i'm on the other side of the bed from him or gone as soon as it's over. no attachments for me. but since it was at my house and he kept pulling me into him. i had no choice. i caved and nestled in. and it was...normal.

normal.

how crazy is that? i felt normal. for once in my life. my body didn't matter. my weight didn't matter. he liked the package even though i find it disgusting. he loved it. and i loved that he loved it. and i loved that he wanted to just lay naked, intertwined and just be.

comfortable.

it was nice. so now, i'm just kind of in that waiting place where i'm trying to figure out what i want to do now. i've been fighting the crazy of wanting to touch him constantly. (i love his body) i want him to want me. but i don't want to date him just yet. although i think we could be compatible. but i still don't trust him, even though i saw a softer side of him friday (before we started making out). but i love his body and want to touch it and adore it and worship it and do crazy sexy things to it all of the time.

so that's that. sex with seri was great.

i don't know how much i weight. scale battery is low. and i've been bingeing - cause that's logical. and i haven't known when my roommate was going to be home so i couldn't purge.

i think roomie knows about the purging. i'm friends with her best friend and we talked last night. best friend and i. we'd talked about eating in the past like 4 yers ago as though the eating issues were in the past. but she asked me about it as though it weren't. and i said that i was "just fine". struggling to keep eating when stressed, but not throwing up. don't think she believed me, but whatever. drama.

seri has been on my mind lately. i like him. a lot. and roomie says she thinks he likes me a lot but can't commit right now. i still don't get it but have decided not to try. and also not to stress about whether he likes me just as much and just live in the moment. so moment-living has begun. i love hard and deep. even if it's just for a little while. and although i don't love him like that. i'm passionate about him. i want every single part of him. all the time. i want to touch every single part of his being and match it up with a part of me. and just leave that impression on him for a while. and i can do that when we're together. i can feel him. the real him. when we are together and it's great. not amazing like love is, but as great as it can be right now. we have this chemistry that just works. and though i'm scared that i'm romanticizing it and getting myself all worked up. for the moments that we are together i can open up and let him in a little more than i was doing. and when it's time to shut off, i'll just have to make that decision and deal with the consequences then. i can't go through life wondering about being hurt right?

everyone keeps saying that i've lost weight (at work). but i haven't and it sucks. maybe it's inches and i just can't tell. i don't know. clothes are a little looser but i don't know if that's weight or stretched out jeans and shirts. speculation sucks.

and i was told the other day *again* that i have things together. why do people do that? they think it's a compliment, but really, it makes me want to die. i can't top that. there's no where for me to go with that, but down. oh well, i need to learn to let things slide off of my back. but it's so hard.

anyways - i think that's all i've got right now. hope all is well with everyone.

there's so much going on here lately. but the biggest thing i've been thinking about is sex and companionship. it's going to sound shallow since i've already talked most of this out. but i've been thinking lately about sex and having an eating disorder. well, i love having sex but it's never been the "great" thing that people have told me about. part of it is that my mind is always on something else. i've been reading wasted by marya hornbacher and she said that for her sex was all about the power of seduction. getting men into bed. making them love you, having sex with them, and then leaving them. i think that's part of my issue too. i've never felt completely and utterly loved. you know when you're in the beginning of a relationship and you feel like there's nothing this person could do to make you stop loveing them? i've never felt loved like that. in fact, my dad used to tell me that if i wasn't (insert annoying behavior here) then i could have anything i wanted from him. or he'd say he loved me even though i was a liar, thief, etc. things that all kids do from time to time and then you learn that they are not you, but are things you do and things that should not be done. i never learned to separate my actions from who i was and how much i was loved. so i think my "seduction" of men is more of a way for me to feel wanted and accepted. not so much loved (i'm not completely asinine). to feel that connection with someone for just a few minutes or hour feels like heaven and then there's the pain of coming back down into myself and noticing that i am now closer to rock bottom than i'd been before. i don't know. it's like having sex let's me release the pain that i'm feeling and all of the bullshit that's constantly going through my mind. then when it's all over i realize that i just gave a piece of myself away and i feel a little less than i did before. it's a blessing and curse in one. everyday i long to feel a little less than the day before. and everyday i feel like i feel too much. i feel too needy. too desperate. i think that's my problem with seri. he caught me at the worst time in my life. so much going on that i was emotionally raw and just desperate to connect and shut it down. i'm mostly glad that i haven't slept with him because my desperation might seep through my skin and smother him. and i don't want to pull anyone into this crazy life that i have.

i was talking to some friends about seri the other night and they said that i deserve better. a small part of me believes that. and that's the part of me that i recite to everyone that asks me about it. but the part of me that controls my actions and my heart says - you deserve worse because you're less than shit. what do you do with that? i don't know what to do with it. i don't know how to shut it off. i don't know how to feel ok when i wake up in the morning. i don't know how to think i'm pretty when i look in the mirror. i don't know how not to step on the scale every time i use the bathroom and a couple of times in between. funny thing is, i can't even make this work. people say i'm losing weight, but really, i weigh the same that i did last week and the week before. it's good times.

anyways - all that to say i was thinking about this connection of sex and emotion and eating and how i use sex to have that connection with people that i don't get on a regular basis because i suck. i'm stupid. so i was thinking - i'm not thinking completely clearly right now - thinking about the work i still have left to do - so i'm going to go now and write more on this later.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

New Year's was fun. We went to a bar where Irish, English, and Australian guys hang out. Always fun. They kept playing the same 5 songs over and over again - Johnny Cash and Marvin Gaye are the only ones i remember at this point. i do remember saying,"I love this song!" every time "Let's Get It On" came on. so fun. no new year's kiss, but good talks about boys with the roommate.

we talked about why seri and i aren't together and why it would be complicated (kid and living with the ex). and i think she was trying to make me feel better about the whole thing, but i don't think she's telling me the truth. i think (and i heard a radio program about it) that the way he treats me is what he wants from me. i was confused before and still am sometimes, but a little clearer than before - i find clarity comes in spurts for me. so what i'm thinking right now is that he just wants a booty call but doesn't want to risk telling me that for some reason. now that i type that, i feel stupid. my roomie told me that she thinks that he likes me but he feels like he can't be in a relationship right now becuase of the kid and him and his ex being on-again, off-again. i don't know. i think that's the girl rationale and not necessarily the truth. it throws me off that he talks to me at my cube still - about nothing i might add - but then calls me at 2 expecting to come over and sleep with me. when we started this thing, i just wanted to sleep with him and move on. but then somehow i was told that i was emotionally unavailable and i let him in. now i'm in "i like you" purgatory which is worse to me than just liking each other and not being able to make it work. because i have no ties to him at all. if he talks to someone else or gets someone's number or something, i don't have the right to say anything to him about it. that sucks on a regular basis. so roomie thinks that he's showing me he likes me by coming by the cube while i'm at work, but keeping his distance. i think i'm being stupid. i called him on new year's. he didn't answer. but he did come by my cube on the 2nd when we got back to work. if he really liked me, wouldn't he have called me on the 1st? or texted or something? i don't know. i don't feel like he really likes me. just wants to sleep with me and move it along. so i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know what i should do.

last night, i ended up purging some buffalo chicken nuggets. my face was soooo swollen. more swollen than it's ever been. my saliva glands were swollen too, but i've dealt with that before. so i've been looking it up today on the internet to see if there's something that i can do for it. i just put water on my face. that's why i never purge in public. my face swells and takes forever to come down (unless i've been drinking). so i don't know what to do about that. every site i've been to says that it's a symptom of bulimia, but doesn't say if it's a mineral deficiency or whatever. while looking on different sites I came across one that had the play Dying to be Thin and one section really spoke to me.

“I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know…I mean…is this me? This me that’s talking to you right now? I would never do that. I mean – I’m sane – intelligent…and I have this great life… and I would never waste my time doing that. It seems like this other thing possesses me, out of the blue – and I end up doing it – and this me (the sane, intelligent one) gets smaller and smaller until it almost goes away. But it never actually does. There’s always a little part of it left, right back here. And if I look at the world outside, it’s like there’s this thick glass or haze separating me from it. Or if I look at people around me, they seem really really far off, like in another space. And while I eat, this tiny part of me watches, and sometimes tries to make me stop, but it’s way too small so I just block it out. That way I can finish eating and throw up. Throwing up is the only route back to this me.”

that's how i feel after every purge. that this me that's sane and intelligent just goes right out the window. she's replaced immediately after eating with this irrational, panicked me that needs to not gain weight. and after i eat i get bigger and bigger and bigger. irrationally huge. that is, until i get rid of it. then i feel more normal. but a little less normal each time. that sane, intelligent part of me shrinks a little more with each purge. exercise is the last thing that i can be addicted to. that's why i try not to give in. after i give in to that, there's no coming back. what if i get addicted and get to the point where people see me and thiink i have an eating disorder. i don't want to be that person.