there's so much going on here lately. but the biggest thing i've been thinking about is sex and companionship. it's going to sound shallow since i've already talked most of this out. but i've been thinking lately about sex and having an eating disorder. well, i love having sex but it's never been the "great" thing that people have told me about. part of it is that my mind is always on something else. i've been reading wasted by marya hornbacher and she said that for her sex was all about the power of seduction. getting men into bed. making them love you, having sex with them, and then leaving them. i think that's part of my issue too. i've never felt completely and utterly loved. you know when you're in the beginning of a relationship and you feel like there's nothing this person could do to make you stop loveing them? i've never felt loved like that. in fact, my dad used to tell me that if i wasn't (insert annoying behavior here) then i could have anything i wanted from him. or he'd say he loved me even though i was a liar, thief, etc. things that all kids do from time to time and then you learn that they are not you, but are things you do and things that should not be done. i never learned to separate my actions from who i was and how much i was loved. so i think my "seduction" of men is more of a way for me to feel wanted and accepted. not so much loved (i'm not completely asinine). to feel that connection with someone for just a few minutes or hour feels like heaven and then there's the pain of coming back down into myself and noticing that i am now closer to rock bottom than i'd been before. i don't know. it's like having sex let's me release the pain that i'm feeling and all of the bullshit that's constantly going through my mind. then when it's all over i realize that i just gave a piece of myself away and i feel a little less than i did before. it's a blessing and curse in one. everyday i long to feel a little less than the day before. and everyday i feel like i feel too much. i feel too needy. too desperate. i think that's my problem with seri. he caught me at the worst time in my life. so much going on that i was emotionally raw and just desperate to connect and shut it down. i'm mostly glad that i haven't slept with him because my desperation might seep through my skin and smother him. and i don't want to pull anyone into this crazy life that i have.

i was talking to some friends about seri the other night and they said that i deserve better. a small part of me believes that. and that's the part of me that i recite to everyone that asks me about it. but the part of me that controls my actions and my heart says - you deserve worse because you're less than shit. what do you do with that? i don't know what to do with it. i don't know how to shut it off. i don't know how to feel ok when i wake up in the morning. i don't know how to think i'm pretty when i look in the mirror. i don't know how not to step on the scale every time i use the bathroom and a couple of times in between. funny thing is, i can't even make this work. people say i'm losing weight, but really, i weigh the same that i did last week and the week before. it's good times.

anyways - all that to say i was thinking about this connection of sex and emotion and eating and how i use sex to have that connection with people that i don't get on a regular basis because i suck. i'm stupid. so i was thinking - i'm not thinking completely clearly right now - thinking about the work i still have left to do - so i'm going to go now and write more on this later.