so although i've been thinking about him a lot and wanting to be with him. i haven't given in physically - which is a first. my dad thinks that i'll go back to him - but i am truly determined not to this time. and apparently, the universe is testing me as he's been coming up a lot here lately to "work" and stop by and talk. so strange the clarity you gain after you're away from someone for a while. i feel like the wool's been removed from my eyes and although i kind of knew - now i definitely know and i don't want to fall for it again. so that's where i'm at with that.

i purged valentine's day night for the first time since October. i hate that i did it. but i haven't had the urge to do it again since then. so we're at about 4 days and recounting. maybe this time i can last longer than 4 months. we'll see.

other than that, most things are going well. and i'm actually happy being me.

and so, mentally, i fell into the trap again. and i was starting back down the road of seri-ism and then i heard something that turned my stomach and made me nauseous - and backed up everything that i'd "known" for so long. and i'm tired and done. i keep saying that, but every time it becomes truer and truer. it's rung true for a long time but i keep backsliding. why? i was lonely. desperate. unloved and wanting it so badly that i just caved. i gave up my smoking and eating disorder. but i can't give him up without a fight. yesterday i told him i was embarassed to know him. that i'd been stupid to even be involved with him. but that it wasn't his fauly. i accepted full responsibility for my actions. he asked me what he did to deserve that - and i didn't have any answers. i wanted to say "pick an instance. just any instance where you didn't do something that would hurt me or make me feel like just a piece of meat." but i didn't. it's not all his fault. i let it happen. and this morning i listened to luther vandross and cried all the way to work. i wasn't even listening to the sad, crappy - 'how dare you take advantage of me' songs. it was the beautiful love songs that inspired some sort of peace and healing that i'd been looking for for a long time and felt was just out of my reach. today i will be a mess but for the most part, i'm sooo happy that i'm done (again). hopefully this time will stick. i told him that i couldn't even be friends with him - at all. we'll see what the future holds.

i want to give up. on love. on life. on everything. and just live in my little "woe is me" bubble. but alas, my will sucks ass and makes me get through things. one day i'll look back on this and laugh. i'll remember the good times and some of the bad. i'll still be angry about the girl at his birthday and relish in the way he touched my body. i'll appreciate the times he cared enough to sincerely ask me if i was ok - and really took the time to listen. i'll still be annoyed by the times that he ignored my texts but then called to see if he could come over. the bitter and the sweet are what make life so great - and i need to remember that i'll get through it. even though my heart hurts a little bit today. and even though i feel stupid for letting him in and feeling so vulnerable. and although i keep kicking myself about the fact that i let him disrespect me so much.

i'm thankful. thankful to know what i'm looking for now. thankful that i know who i am right now and can see the woman that i'm striving to be. thankful that i can show people my human side and know where my weaknesses are. i'm thankful that i've never been the type to become bitter and hate all men for the transgressions of one. i'm truly thankful this morning. (and a little dramatic).

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

i'm frustrated with my job today. very frustrated. i'm at the point of saying, "if you're going to lay me off, could you do it already?" why drag out the inevitable? really? i'm tired. so tired.

tonight the plan is to refill out my school application for The Chicago School of Psychology - the irony is not lost on me. i would like to finish my essay this week as well. i was supposed to have it done earlier last week for sure and of course i just couldn't do it. so this week i need to step it up and get it done. today is the day that i feel for sure that i need to get the hell up out of dodge.

in other news, a couple of friends and i are giving a bellydance/sex seminar this weekend. it's going to be soooo fun. i can't wait. i'm a little worried about it, but right now, we're pretty much breaking even as far as the money that we put in. so that's good. the first two hours are going to be bellydancing. the ladies that attend will be learning a choreographed dance with "7 sensual moves" to do for their significant other or lover. at the end of that part of the seminar, they can purchase the cd with the music for each dance on it. the second part of the seminar, we are having a woman that owns a sex toy shop come in and give a "talk/demonstration" about loving yourself and someone else - sexually. also, we are planning to have a cash bar, a vendor to sell bellydance belts and accessories, and we're going to be giving away door prizes that were donated by various vendors. i think it's going to be a successful venture. if you know anyone in the chicago area that would like participate, it's on Feb 7 at Studio 57 on 57th and Western. It starts at 1 pm and costs $35. it's going to be sooo much fun!!

so reality keeps slapping me in the face. i was a bootycall for sure. and i knew that. but part of me wanted it to go deeper than that. so i'm being a girl and whining to myself (and you) about it. i suck.

i'm tired.

we have been having layoffs at work off and on. the first one was in november and the second one was last week. we're supposedly having another on in february which scares the shit out of me. i wouldn't worry so much if i was in GA with my family. but since i'm up here alone and at a particularly weak point in my life, i'm a little worried. i know that i'll need to man up and get myself together but really, it's just worrisome thinking about what all i would need to do to make it. i'm not one of those people that has 3 months of rent saved up for just a situation as this. yep, i'm one of those people that always thought a tv, trip, shoes, late nights of boozing were way more important than saving money. yep - i'm going to need to not repeat that in the future. :-)

other than that, i've been procrastinating a lot. to the point that i'm annoying myself. so i can only imagine how other people must feel dealing with me right about now. it's good times.

oh - life...i love it but why it so aggravating all of the time?? seriously - can't a girl catch a break?

I DID IT!!

so half of the battle has been won! we didn't talk like we were supposed to and i asked him when that was going to happen. he said later on this week. annoying as usual. so i told him that was fine - we didn't have to talk. then he's like - why? i like talking to you. so i went through the motions reminding him of what i said last week in the text about not wanting to do this anymore and said that i meant that. he asked why and i told him. he says he understands but i don't believe that. so that was surprisingly easy. now the hard part is going to be sticking to my guns about the whole thing.

so that's been my day today. now i'm thankful that we don't hang out that often together in public. it would be a lot harder to deal with if we did.

now on to turning in school applications - for real this time. i'm checking things off the list...

i did it...

so last night we all (the work group) went to birthday party for a guy that we work with at a bar downtown. it was definitely a good time. seri was there and that was fine too. we had a good time talking and dancing - a little. since no one at work knows about us, we can't really be seen together. so that was a little frustrating.

this morning i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. that the whole thing was just too much and that being in that situation with all of our work friends just showed me that it wasn't going to get any better. that it'd always be a situation where we couldn't just chill and have a good time. so i didn't want to do it anymore. as you can see, i did it the nice way - even though he doesn't really deserve it. he texted back and told me that he wanted to talk about it when we both got back into town this weekend. i don't know what there is to talk about. regardless of this situation and the reason that i said i couldn't be with him - he's getting married!! we shouldn't be together anyways!! i shouldn't have to give a reason - it's innate. you're marrying the woman that you supposedly love - HELLO!!

so anyways that's that. like i said, i'm trying to get out this time. i've had enough pain. first with the ED - and that never goes away. the craving to purge is almost palpable sometimes. now seri - i'm working on getting another job in the field of counseling that i want to go into (crisis counseling). after i'm not at this job anymore and seeing him everyday, it'll be easier to deal with not being with him.

you know what's coming...

seri and i are still seri and i. it's slowed down a lot from what it was, but somehow it's a little more intimate than it was too. and i really don't know what to think of it all. yep, there's that again.

so i talked to seri the friday after the blow out and just told him that i wanted to clear the air because i was tired of being mad at him. it really exhausts me. so he came upstairs and we talked about it. he tried to lighten the situation and say that the guy that hit on me was probably doing so because he thought i was cute and did i ever think about that? well i did and i let him know that it crossed the line from just hitting on me to something a little more serious. he didn't say anything about that - and he doesn't know that it struck a nerve because of the assault that i had before. which i'm not one to just divulge that kind of information in order to get bonus sympathy points or anything like that. then he told me that he didn't tell anyone except his friend that lives a few miles from me - he didn't even tell his best friend at the office (which i still think is a lie). so i just said that he was the only one at our job that i was sleeping with and that i didn't appreciate even the thought of him telling people that i would sleep with his friends, etc. so after my spiel he said that he would never say anything like that about me and he was sorry that that happened, but he wasn't saying anything about me. and he said that it didn't matter what the guy said anyways because it wasn't true - to which i reminded him that it doesn't matter if it's true or not. people believe what they want and i've already put myself in a bad situation dealing with him at all. so that was that. i was still mad after talking to him. for most of the "fight" i just sat and stared at him while he was talking, trying to read him and also trying to find the best way to say all of the angry things that were floating through my mind.

needless to say, i forgive entirely too easily and have just kind of brushed the whole thing off. not entirely but for the most part. i should say that we've mended things not that i've brushed it off. part of the reason is that after i thought about it for a while i remembered that we'd both been at a happy hour gathering together and gotten a little drunk. and although we thought we were being slick with our side glances and light touches, i know now that we weren't and assume that that is how M knew that something was going on. not because seri was running his mouth - although he may have.

that leads into what i'm thinking about now. the other night seri texted and asked if he could stop by and say hi. obviously i don't care. so i told him that i was rearranging furniture and cleaning but he could stop by. i just needed to take a shower - so let me know when he was on his way. also - this was 11pm - AKA - bootycall hour. he said fine he'd be there in about 30 minutes. (to his credit he also offered to meet for lunch the next day too if that night wasn't good for me, but i was going to a Bears game and said that that night would be fine.) so he came over and we just sat on the couch and talked. it was great and comfortable and just nice. i loved it, of course. but i was waiting for him to make his move. this was obviously a bootycall - which again, i was ok with. (i'm so weak). but we talked for a lot longer than i thought we would and started playing around and he was tickling me and what not - then came the kiss. great kiss. but i stopped it and said "i thought you just stopped by to say hi" - i threw it back at him only because that's what he kept telling me. that he'd stopped by on his way home to say hi. so we walked to the door and kissed - and it all fell apart. totally ended up "doing it". he kept saying afterward that he really did just stop by to say hi.

i think i'm being a girl and just falling for bullshit at this point because i want to believe it. i do think that he wanted a bootycall. but at the same time he did want to see me and talk to me and hang out. i don't understand what he has with this girl that he's with and what he has with me. i asked him the other day what it would take for him to be completely comfortable marrying her and he said he doesn't know. now, i'm not deluding myself and thinking that he's going to tell me that he's not marrying her and wants to be with me (although part of me would love for that to happen) but i am confused. he keeps throwing me for a loop. like before he left the other night. we talked more and it's just so damn comfortable and nice with him. i need to just walk away instead of thinking about why he's doing the things that he's doing. we have some crazy connection - and it's not just because we've slept together. like today he emailed and told me that his mom isn't doing well and she's really struggling financially. the other night, he was telling me that he applied for a new job - and it was so sad. not just on my part, but he was sad telling me about it. he really opened up to me about it and was asking how i felt about it and i just said that there was no point in worrying about something that he had no control over. but that i thought he would get the job and really, that he deserved the job (he's good at what he does). i just threw me again, because it was like i was hanging out with my boyfriend and i didn't think that he felt that way but it seemed like he did. and it made all of the times that he's hurt me and we talked about it, seem like he was really telling the truth - and he really didn't mean it.

so now i'm partially grieving this new level that we've come to because it won't/can't last and partially celebrating it because i love it.

when i talked to my sister about this the other day and was crying and telling her that i didn't know what to do about this, she asked me if i loved him - and i said no. i didn't completely lie to her. i don't love him yet, but it's getting there - and i'm almost at the point of accepting that i'm going to get seriously hurt in this whole thing and keeping it moving.

so stupid.