The Goddess

2010-04-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

and so i have a shitload of things to do today but need to take a break and clear my mind of the craziness of my emotions. i'm feeling a little mood swingy today. so there's no telling how long this wistful sadness will last. but while i'm in the midst of it, i'd like to get it out.

so i signed up to be an alternate for a race that my company sponsors every year. i've done this twice now and never have thought that they would actually call and say that they needed me. well, they did this year. i was elated and petrified at the same time. but i accepted the offer to take someone else's spot that decided to drop out and just do it. and so i am.

in preparation for my run, i've been running at least 3 times a week, cross training with dance classes 2 days a week with rest for the other 2 days. it's been pretty fantastic so far. i'm not running miles and miles but i'm at 1-1/2 mi so far and hoping to be at 2-1/2 to 3 mi by the end of April. anyways...i digress.

so in preparation for the run i was thinking that i really need to get some strength in my legs so that i could start working on my speed and running for longer periods of time. well, my job just recently (within the last 6 months) built a gym in our building to accommodate the personal trainer they were paying to come out and train people at lunch and after work. so i've been talking to the trainer for tips and going down into the gym to run. well, the running is improving however, i still want more guidance as to how i should be building power and muscle more steadily.

my solution came in the form of PT (personal trainer) offering a new set of classes for the summer. mama is so happy. at first, i wasn't going to do it although a friend of mine kept begging me to. i mean, the gym downstairs was free and i would be paying PT like $400 to train me a long with other people in the class. so i didn't know if it were worth it. i've since decided that it is and have signed up to be the poster child for before and after pictures. (you have no idea how excited i am about it).

that brings us to today. i think seri and his mistress might be taking the class. i haven't talked to him in a couple of weeks. i'm trying to live with the strategy of just not talking to him at all if i can help it. i'm slowly realizing that i deserve better and i'm trying to get back to living like i deserve better. because if i were a friend of mine, asking me for help, i'd be pissed at me for just sitting back and taking his abuse. so i'm trying to be done. i feel like an addict - taking it one day at a time. but that's the best i've got so far.

also, seri is doing the race too and i think he knows that i am too but he hasn't said anything to me about it. he just knows that i've been running. so we'll see how he responds to that if he hasn't heard already.

2009-12-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

i haven't updated in forever, i know. but there are some things that i need to get off my chest these days.

let me take you back to Nov 15...
a friend of mine just had a baby. so i went to visit. on the way i called and asked if she'd like me to bring anything and wine was the suggested gift. so i go to the grocery store and pick up 3 bottles. one for us to drink, one for her to have and one for me. well turns out we drank all 3 bottles. because she laid a bomb on me (You might be able to see where this is going...).

"girl, i have a secret"
"oh you do do you? what's that?"
"i've been sleeping with seri for 4 years now"

well, i thought i was going to throw up all over myself. it was like some crazy fucking dream. i couldn't believe it. i could see him liking her but not her liking him. it was (and still is) all surreal to me. so she proceeds to tell me all the details of her relationship with him. i was shocked, dumbfounded, speechless, etc. i couldn't find the words to tell her. i couldn't even eat the dinner she'd made us.

it was a crazy happening. and i realized as she was telling me all of this, that she wanted me to share. i think she's had a feeling about me and him but didn't know for sure. i'm sure she thought that i would come right out and tell her. but i didn't. i gave him hell for it though. i must have called him every pussy ass nigga, scumbag muthafucka that i could think of.

so we fought all day at work on monday - through text which is very classy, adult and professional. i suggest that everyone try it. it was great. basically he said that he hadn't slept with her or anyone else at work for that matter, "but to be 100 i wouldn't put anyone out there like that even if i did". there's no doubt in my mind that he's been sleeping with her.

back to today, December 14...
she's back from maternity leave today and i am not ok. i was finally getting ok with how things were after him and i fought. but now i'm not feeling so good. i feel incredibly fat. i feel crazy for arguing with him about it. i feel stupid for continuing a relationship with him when i knew that he had a girlfriend, then a fiance. but all those things don't matter anymore.

i just need to pull it together and move on. because i have in some regards, but truth be told, i haven't completely. but her being here will force me to. she's makes me feel not good enough. not sexy enough. he treated her better than he treated me (in my mind) and that sucks. the rotation was mostly me and her but wow...it definitely breeds competition in me.

i have speculations and paranoid/intuitive thoughts about him and her. i have emotions about him not talking to me. i have emotions about him thinking that i'm crazy. i have emotions about everything. but at this point, i'm trying to remember that i'm better than that. i don't have to rely on his attention to feel good. i don't have to rely on him saying hi to feel normal. all i have to do is learn my lesson and move on.

so one step at a time i'm moving on. i needed to get it off of my chest today because it was so awkward talking to her this morning. mostly the same but a little awkward. and then we saw him and he avoided us. then i saw her baby's picture and although she says that it's someone else's baby - i think it's his.

and although i know i was a bootycall, it still hurts a little. because, as i was telling a friend, we're not friends and that hurts more than not sleeping with him. there's no connection anymore - but there is. i'm confused and mad. i told him that he keeps telling me that i'm his friend but apparently we have different definitions of what a friend is supposed to be. i told him that after a certain point i didn't try to make him my boyfriend. i even tried to not be friends with him at all but he kept fighting me and telling me that he wanted to be friends. i told him how i didn't understand that. and i'm not angry because he was sleeping around. i expected that. i'm angry that he continually puts me in bad situations with his wife, his friends, my friends - over and over again. and to me that's not what a friend does. and i told him that he always makes me step outside of myself and say things that i wouldn't normally say and that's not healthy.

that's my story - and that's my day. i need to kick it into gear and get over him. i'm trying but man, is it hard. but he's leaving work Jan 15 (another story for another day) so maybe life here will be better when he's gone.

2009-11-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

and so i've been seeing someone. it's really new...and his name is george. it's great so far. he texts me alot. everyday actually. he thinks i'm beautiful, funny, smart...a good girl. and i love it. but i'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. i'm waiting to say, "they're all the same..." but at the same time i'm hoping that i don't get to say that. i hope that even if this doesn't work out, it'll be for a different reason. for a reason that i'm sure will hurt but won't scar. and the reason will allow me to say "i knew there were some good ones out there."

but i'm silently holding my breath on that,

i've been trying to be friends with seri. which has proven to be quite difficult. i'd told him that i couldn't be friends with him and he'd fought with me about it. then i cracked one night while we were out with our friends and his wife came. i kept calling his phone and texting him. in defense of my crazy, we were at a Bacardi Tasting party with freeflowing glasses of alcohol and also, he was flirting with me in front of her. so i was a lot of drunk and a little confused as to what i was supposed to how this was supposed to work. sometimes he texts and emails me then other times he doesn't. which i know means that i need to let it go, but really, that's going to take a while to happen. i'm trying to get over it at a steady (normal) pace. but we'll see if that really happens. i don't know how to be around him and not be the same that we were before. i've never had to do it before so it's a little weird for me.

other news:
eating has been fine. i've been eating more than i need to but no throwing up so i'm calling it a win-win. i've picked up a little weight too so i'm trying to make sure that i don't get too down on myself about that.

smoking has kind of let up too. so that has been good. i'm hoping to start running again soon because the weight that i'm putting on is not fun. People keep saying that they can't tell but i can and it's driving me crazy.

so all's well right now for the most part. living the dream, kids, i'm living the dream...

wedding bells

2009-09-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

he got married.

i've been crying.

2009-05-17T10:22:00.001-07:00

i'm back and i'm sure there's no one that reads this anymore. but i thought i'd write anyways. i have a lot on my mind right now.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

updates:

eating has been a bitch. a friend told me that i had bad eating habits and that didn't help since i'm the healthiest that i've been in a long time. i threw up again about three weeks ago. i hate that i do that. go for a while and then somehow lose my mind and head back to the place where i was. i've made a lot of missteps lately. so anyways as i was saying - i threw up and busted capillaries in my face and my eyes were hella puffy when i woke up. crazy shenanigans. so i had to come to work with looking like i got some back alley acupuncture that made my eyes puffy. going lie right now is "i think i'm allergic to vodka". since the night before i'd been out with friends in Boystown drinking and dancing the Thursday night away. so fun until i stopped for McDonalds at 4 am.

i slept with seri - again. it had been about 3 months or so. and for some reason i caved. it was hot and not emotional. which was great at first but now it has perpetuated the cycle again. and i hate myself for it. well hate is a strong word. i'm not "depressed" about it like i was before, but i know now that there's no just being content here and working with him. i really am going to have to leave here and just not be in contact with him which sucks cause i really like our mutual friends. but i'm thinking i'm going to have to drop them too just for safety's sake. i've never had to not be in a relationship with someone that i see all of the time. growing up in the military is great in the way that it lets you experience different cultures and see other places however, it sucks in the dealing with life's biggest issues sometimes. we moved every 2 to 3 years of my life. if i broke up with a boyfriend it really wasn't an issue because one of us was usually moving so we wouldn't see each other without much effort anyways. so that was that. very different when you live in neighboring counties and therefore take the same way home and work in the same office - even if you don't officially work on the same projects.

other than that, life is essentially fine. my little brother - he's 20 - informed me yesterday that he'd like to join the US Air Force. Ugh. that was definitely not on my list of things that i wanted to give my brother advice about. he's a man. he can make his own decisions. but i don't want him to do it and i told him. i mean, seriously, who joins the military in the middle of a war because he doesn't know what to do with his life? yeah - not so much a good reason eh? so i told him that i thought that he needed to just take a break. drop his college class load down a little so he has some free time, dump his girlfriend that he's been fighting with, and go out and really find out what he wants to do. there are so many jobs out there, it's just a matter of finding your niche you know? i try not to tell him what to do. our parents do a good job of that. my dad told him he was stupid for wanting to do that - which i agree but said it differently. he also told him that he joined the military and struggled through life so that my brother and i didn't have to. my brother didn't get it. he thought my dad was being a tool and just trying to stunt his growth as a man. but really my dad is just worried. and he knows the pains of the military. not being around family because you're too far away, losing touch with friends you grew up with, stability of being in one place with a support system, having to pick up and go when you're orders are delivered, being separated from your family in times of war...my brother doesn't remember the times my dad had to leave for war. he was so young. he didn't feel the disappointment and worry when my dad wouldn't call when he said he would because he couldn't. when my dad had to leave for months - sometimes a year - at a time to work on some special "confidential" project. crazy. my brother just thinks that it's going to buy him some time to figure out where his life is going. so this week he's going to talk to a recruiter. the older sister in me wants to kick him in the balls and tell him that that's a bad idea. but the friend in me said to call before he goes so we can go through questions that he needs to ask and discuss it afterward to see what he thinks afterward. i wish i could point him in the right direction, but lord knows, i'm struggling myself. :-)

so that's what's happening in Chi-city. i hope all is well where you are.

2009-04-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

waiting to have an update meeting with my department so i have a little free time. i hate when you finish a project and could start something else before your meeting - but that would cause mayhem and confusion because you'd have to stop wherever you were when it was time for the meeting and couldn't really finish your thought. so i'm avoiding that with this blog. it's update time.

i'm having a great time here lately. i've been dating. good times. some drunken times. seri is still on my mind but much less than before. he really is an asshole and you know that i could really get into it and just type away the drama, but it's really not worth it anymore. i've known he is an asshole for a long time. but now i'm not hiding my disdain. i'm tired of the bullshit and really just annoyed by the nonsense on any given day. so i've pulled back from him a lot. i just thought about it because he came up to talk a little bit ago and i just don't really have any niceties or pleasantries to exchange with him anymore.

work is fine. in some ways i'm ready to move on but mostly i'm fine. i really like what i do. i think the seri situation has just really tainted the way that i feel about being here. which isn't fair but the way it is. i can't blame it all on him but i like to pretend that i can. makes me feel better.

i haven't thrown up since Valentine's Day. so i will be purge free for two months next Tuesday. that's exciting. i've started feeling so much better about myself. the fat days are not as overwhelming as they were a year ago today. i am not incapacitated by fat thoughts or trying to find something to eat at any given time. i don't have panic attacks in the grocery store anymore. it's amazing, actually, to think of how far i've come with this and how much healthier (and skinnier) i am now that i'm not doing that. i think doing that helped accelerate and maybe even caused many of my thyroid issues. but alas, i don't know that for sure. just speculating.

bellydance is going well. one of these days i'm going to be amazing. we had evaluations saturday after class and i got a really good report. i'm happy about that because this is something that i love and would like to be good at. i've been in class since about august i think. so to hear such encouraging words even though i feel like i suck most of the time is great. hopefully i'll keep progressing.

i think that's it for the update. i hope that all is well with everyone.

2009-02-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

so although i've been thinking about him a lot and wanting to be with him. i haven't given in physically - which is a first. my dad thinks that i'll go back to him - but i am truly determined not to this time. and apparently, the universe is testing me as he's been coming up a lot here lately to "work" and stop by and talk. so strange the clarity you gain after you're away from someone for a while. i feel like the wool's been removed from my eyes and although i kind of knew - now i definitely know and i don't want to fall for it again. so that's where i'm at with that.

i purged valentine's day night for the first time since October. i hate that i did it. but i haven't had the urge to do it again since then. so we're at about 4 days and recounting. maybe this time i can last longer than 4 months. we'll see.

other than that, most things are going well. and i'm actually happy being me.

2009-02-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

and so, mentally, i fell into the trap again. and i was starting back down the road of seri-ism and then i heard something that turned my stomach and made me nauseous - and backed up everything that i'd "known" for so long. and i'm tired and done. i keep saying that, but every time it becomes truer and truer. it's rung true for a long time but i keep backsliding. why? i was lonely. desperate. unloved and wanting it so badly that i just caved. i gave up my smoking and eating disorder. but i can't give him up without a fight. yesterday i told him i was embarassed to know him. that i'd been stupid to even be involved with him. but that it wasn't his fauly. i accepted full responsibility for my actions. he asked me what he did to deserve that - and i didn't have any answers. i wanted to say "pick an instance. just any instance where you didn't do something that would hurt me or make me feel like just a piece of meat." but i didn't. it's not all his fault. i let it happen. and this morning i listened to luther vandross and cried all the way to work. i wasn't even listening to the sad, crappy - 'how dare you take advantage of me' songs. it was the beautiful love songs that inspired some sort of peace and healing that i'd been looking for for a long time and felt was just out of my reach. today i will be a mess but for the most part, i'm sooo happy that i'm done (again). hopefully this time will stick. i told him that i couldn't even be friends with him - at all. we'll see what the future holds.

i want to give up. on love. on life. on everything. and just live in my little "woe is me" bubble. but alas, my will sucks ass and makes me get through things. one day i'll look back on this and laugh. i'll remember the good times and some of the bad. i'll still be angry about the girl at his birthday and relish in the way he touched my body. i'll appreciate the times he cared enough to sincerely ask me if i was ok - and really took the time to listen. i'll still be annoyed by the times that he ignored my texts but then called to see if he could come over. the bitter and the sweet are what make life so great - and i need to remember that i'll get through it. even though my heart hurts a little bit today. and even though i feel stupid for letting him in and feeling so vulnerable. and although i keep kicking myself about the fact that i let him disrespect me so much.

i'm thankful. thankful to know what i'm looking for now. thankful that i know who i am right now and can see the woman that i'm striving to be. thankful that i can show people my human side and know where my weaknesses are. i'm thankful that i've never been the type to become bitter and hate all men for the transgressions of one. i'm truly thankful this morning. (and a little dramatic).

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

2009-02-02T15:43:00.000-08:00

i'm frustrated with my job today. very frustrated. i'm at the point of saying, "if you're going to lay me off, could you do it already?" why drag out the inevitable? really? i'm tired. so tired.

tonight the plan is to refill out my school application for The Chicago School of Psychology - the irony is not lost on me. i would like to finish my essay this week as well. i was supposed to have it done earlier last week for sure and of course i just couldn't do it. so this week i need to step it up and get it done. today is the day that i feel for sure that i need to get the hell up out of dodge.

in other news, a couple of friends and i are giving a bellydance/sex seminar this weekend. it's going to be soooo fun. i can't wait. i'm a little worried about it, but right now, we're pretty much breaking even as far as the money that we put in. so that's good. the first two hours are going to be bellydancing. the ladies that attend will be learning a choreographed dance with "7 sensual moves" to do for their significant other or lover. at the end of that part of the seminar, they can purchase the cd with the music for each dance on it. the second part of the seminar, we are having a woman that owns a sex toy shop come in and give a "talk/demonstration" about loving yourself and someone else - sexually. also, we are planning to have a cash bar, a vendor to sell bellydance belts and accessories, and we're going to be giving away door prizes that were donated by various vendors. i think it's going to be a successful venture. if you know anyone in the chicago area that would like participate, it's on Feb 7 at Studio 57 on 57th and Western. It starts at 1 pm and costs $35. it's going to be sooo much fun!!

2009-01-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

so reality keeps slapping me in the face. i was a bootycall for sure. and i knew that. but part of me wanted it to go deeper than that. so i'm being a girl and whining to myself (and you) about it. i suck.

i'm tired.

we have been having layoffs at work off and on. the first one was in november and the second one was last week. we're supposedly having another on in february which scares the shit out of me. i wouldn't worry so much if i was in GA with my family. but since i'm up here alone and at a particularly weak point in my life, i'm a little worried. i know that i'll need to man up and get myself together but really, it's just worrisome thinking about what all i would need to do to make it. i'm not one of those people that has 3 months of rent saved up for just a situation as this. yep, i'm one of those people that always thought a tv, trip, shoes, late nights of boozing were way more important than saving money. yep - i'm going to need to not repeat that in the future. :-)

other than that, i've been procrastinating a lot. to the point that i'm annoying myself. so i can only imagine how other people must feel dealing with me right about now. it's good times.

oh - life...i love it but why it so aggravating all of the time?? seriously - can't a girl catch a break?

I DID IT!!

2008-12-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

so half of the battle has been won! we didn't talk like we were supposed to and i asked him when that was going to happen. he said later on this week. annoying as usual. so i told him that was fine - we didn't have to talk. then he's like - why? i like talking to you. so i went through the motions reminding him of what i said last week in the text about not wanting to do this anymore and said that i meant that. he asked why and i told him. he says he understands but i don't believe that. so that was surprisingly easy. now the hard part is going to be sticking to my guns about the whole thing.

so that's been my day today. now i'm thankful that we don't hang out that often together in public. it would be a lot harder to deal with if we did.

now on to turning in school applications - for real this time. i'm checking things off the list...

i did it...

2008-12-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

so last night we all (the work group) went to birthday party for a guy that we work with at a bar downtown. it was definitely a good time. seri was there and that was fine too. we had a good time talking and dancing - a little. since no one at work knows about us, we can't really be seen together. so that was a little frustrating.

this morning i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. that the whole thing was just too much and that being in that situation with all of our work friends just showed me that it wasn't going to get any better. that it'd always be a situation where we couldn't just chill and have a good time. so i didn't want to do it anymore. as you can see, i did it the nice way - even though he doesn't really deserve it. he texted back and told me that he wanted to talk about it when we both got back into town this weekend. i don't know what there is to talk about. regardless of this situation and the reason that i said i couldn't be with him - he's getting married!! we shouldn't be together anyways!! i shouldn't have to give a reason - it's innate. you're marrying the woman that you supposedly love - HELLO!!

so anyways that's that. like i said, i'm trying to get out this time. i've had enough pain. first with the ED - and that never goes away. the craving to purge is almost palpable sometimes. now seri - i'm working on getting another job in the field of counseling that i want to go into (crisis counseling). after i'm not at this job anymore and seeing him everyday, it'll be easier to deal with not being with him.

you know what's coming...

2008-12-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

seri and i are still seri and i. it's slowed down a lot from what it was, but somehow it's a little more intimate than it was too. and i really don't know what to think of it all. yep, there's that again.

so i talked to seri the friday after the blow out and just told him that i wanted to clear the air because i was tired of being mad at him. it really exhausts me. so he came upstairs and we talked about it. he tried to lighten the situation and say that the guy that hit on me was probably doing so because he thought i was cute and did i ever think about that? well i did and i let him know that it crossed the line from just hitting on me to something a little more serious. he didn't say anything about that - and he doesn't know that it struck a nerve because of the assault that i had before. which i'm not one to just divulge that kind of information in order to get bonus sympathy points or anything like that. then he told me that he didn't tell anyone except his friend that lives a few miles from me - he didn't even tell his best friend at the office (which i still think is a lie). so i just said that he was the only one at our job that i was sleeping with and that i didn't appreciate even the thought of him telling people that i would sleep with his friends, etc. so after my spiel he said that he would never say anything like that about me and he was sorry that that happened, but he wasn't saying anything about me. and he said that it didn't matter what the guy said anyways because it wasn't true - to which i reminded him that it doesn't matter if it's true or not. people believe what they want and i've already put myself in a bad situation dealing with him at all. so that was that. i was still mad after talking to him. for most of the "fight" i just sat and stared at him while he was talking, trying to read him and also trying to find the best way to say all of the angry things that were floating through my mind.

needless to say, i forgive entirely too easily and have just kind of brushed the whole thing off. not entirely but for the most part. i should say that we've mended things not that i've brushed it off. part of the reason is that after i thought about it for a while i remembered that we'd both been at a happy hour gathering together and gotten a little drunk. and although we thought we were being slick with our side glances and light touches, i know now that we weren't and assume that that is how M knew that something was going on. not because seri was running his mouth - although he may have.

that leads into what i'm thinking about now. the other night seri texted and asked if he could stop by and say hi. obviously i don't care. so i told him that i was rearranging furniture and cleaning but he could stop by. i just needed to take a shower - so let me know when he was on his way. also - this was 11pm - AKA - bootycall hour. he said fine he'd be there in about 30 minutes. (to his credit he also offered to meet for lunch the next day too if that night wasn't good for me, but i was going to a Bears game and said that that night would be fine.) so he came over and we just sat on the couch and talked. it was great and comfortable and just nice. i loved it, of course. but i was waiting for him to make his move. this was obviously a bootycall - which again, i was ok with. (i'm so weak). but we talked for a lot longer than i thought we would and started playing around and he was tickling me and what not - then came the kiss. great kiss. but i stopped it and said "i thought you just stopped by to say hi" - i threw it back at him only because that's what he kept telling me. that he'd stopped by on his way home to say hi. so we walked to the door and kissed - and it all fell apart. totally ended up "doing it". he kept saying afterward that he really did just stop by to say hi.

i think i'm being a girl and just falling for bullshit at this point because i want to believe it. i do think that he wanted a bootycall. but at the same time he did want to see me and talk to me and hang out. i don't understand what he has with this girl that he's with and what he has with me. i asked him the other day what it would take for him to be completely comfortable marrying her and he said he doesn't know. now, i'm not deluding myself and thinking that he's going to tell me that he's not marrying her and wants to be with me (although part of me would love for that to happen) but i am confused. he keeps throwing me for a loop. like before he left the other night. we talked more and it's just so damn comfortable and nice with him. i need to just walk away instead of thinking about why he's doing the things that he's doing. we have some crazy connection - and it's not just because we've slept together. like today he emailed and told me that his mom isn't doing well and she's really struggling financially. the other night, he was telling me that he applied for a new job - and it was so sad. not just on my part, but he was sad telling me about it. he really opened up to me about it and was asking how i felt about it and i just said that there was no point in worrying about something that he had no control over. but that i thought he would get the job and really, that he deserved the job (he's good at what he does). i just threw me again, because it was like i was hanging out with my boyfriend and i didn't think that he felt that way but it seemed like he did. and it made all of the times that he's hurt me and we talked about it, seem like he was really telling the truth - and he really didn't mean it.

so now i'm partially grieving this new level that we've come to because it won't/can't last and partially celebrating it because i love it.

when i talked to my sister about this the other day and was crying and telling her that i didn't know what to do about this, she asked me if i loved him - and i said no. i didn't completely lie to her. i don't love him yet, but it's getting there - and i'm almost at the point of accepting that i'm going to get seriously hurt in this whole thing and keeping it moving.

so stupid.

and so the saga continues...

2008-11-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

it's another seri story...

it's going to be confusing but i need to get it out of me and well, you're the lucky audience.

seri and i were still hanging out and occasionally sleeping together. but no one was supposed to know about it besides the people i like to call the "givens". in this case, i told the girl that i work with and a girl that i used to work with and i assumed that he'd told a guy that he works with and his best friend that lives like 3 miles from me. apparently, he's running his mouth to more people than that which is why i'm so pissed today but saw coming. (have i mentioned before that i'm stupid?)

so the friday before last, a girl's husband hit on me at a company happy hour we went to. we were sitting at the bar together and he kept mentioning my boobs. then he kept asking to look down my shirt. then we went to a girl's townhouse for the "after party". not just us, but everybody from the bar - and even at the girl's house, he was all up in my space. but at this point, he was asking me to sleep with him. it was not cool. it got to the point where it was scary and he was pulling on me and just wouldn't take no for an answer. this guy is friends with seri and is married to a girl that i've been becoming better friends with. i was really mad about that. spitting mad. and i figured that seri had been runing his mouth to his friends and mentioned us sleeping together. not only to the "givens" but to other people too.

this is when i got concerned because it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and seconds to destroy one. that's what my parents have always taught me and that's what i live by. which is why i didn't want anyone knowing about us from the beginning.

well, while i was in philly visiting family, a friend we'll call A, calls to tell me that she talked to the girl who's husband hit one me (we'll call M) and M basically asked her if seri and i had slept together. at this point, i know for sure that seri's been running his mouth because there was no way for her to know or even suspect anything about it since i don't talk to her about stuff like that. so the only way she could have known is if seri told her husband and her husband told her. it sincerely pisses me off and makes me want to get the hell up out of dodge.

so saturday when i got back in to town from philly, seri texted to see where i was, of course, and i didnt' answer. i went to my apartment, turned on the lights and hoped that he'd drive by and see the lights on and realize that i just stood him up to do nothing but sit on my couch. it actually turned out to be the best part of my weekend. but i wouldn't tell him that.

he came up today to talk to me and i couldn't even turn around and look at hi. i was so pissed. he kept asking me what was wrong and usually, i'd just tell him. but today i just said that i didn't even have it in me to talk to him right then and i just really didn't want to talk about it period. so he emailed and asked if i was ok and what happened. he'd said at my desk that it wasn't friendly for me to not return his text and i told him i wasn't feeling all that friendly towards him lately.

so i just emailed him back and told him that i'm done dealing with him. i'm sick of the bullshit. I didn't tell him this, but my reputation is on the line and i'm not willing to kill my rep for him. i'm stupid, but my god...give me a little bit of credit. i like him, but i'll get over it. and if it means that i can't hang out with people because they're primarily his friends or he's going to be around, then so be it. i'm sick of it.

long time no write...

2008-10-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

the update:

i'm still messing around with seri. it's a long story that i'm sure you don't want to hear about. frankly, i bore myself complaining about this and not doing anything to stop it. i'm not as emotional about it. i've actually been weening myself off of him. so now i'm the chick that sleeps with taken men. it's awesome. i hate myself a little for that.

food is still the enemy. but a little less so. i did a liquid detox for 3 weeks that kicked the purging into high gear. the purging gave me a license to cheat. i could eat what i wanted and get rid of it which meant that i still did ok on the detox. i'm stupid really. so i finished with that and i lost a pant and shirt size. so i look better than i did, but haven't had a chance to really get used to it yet. and i still feel as fat ever. sometimes even fatter which is strange. i don't think i'll ever be right. i thought if i got down to 145 i'd be fine, but i touched that weight and thought "135 is just around the corner". not cool. i don't know where i'll stop.

got hit on by two married men this weekend. one is my friend's husband and the other doesn't wear a ring. crazy. my friend's husband just wouldn't leave me alone. and he kept saying that i needed to just do it. that she would never find out and i didn't need to be afraid of her. so crazy. apparently there's a sign on my forehead that says that i'll do any married or engaged within 5 miles. whatever. the other guy, i knew liked me but i didn't realize that he was married because he never wears a ring. i don't understand that. but that's me.

other than that, everything's great. i talked to a girl that does the kind of counseling that i want to do and found that it's community/crisis counseling. so that's exciting. i'm looking at different programs now to see what would be the best fit. i'm scared shitless to be back in school, but i'm going back - i really am.

so that's life as we know it. a lot stupid, a little content, and a little scary.

it just doesn't make sense...

2008-09-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

i've been cutting a lot of people out of my life here lately. not necessarily on purpose or maybe on purpose but not maliciously. i'm just tired is all. i'm still happy and wonderful, but just want to be alone for a little bit. so i usually go to work, go home, hang out with a few choice people, and just chill the rest of the time. it's weird. every now and then i just go through this phase of just needing to be. just be.

i went back through some of the posts that i've written and well, i'm a little disappointed in myself. i complain a lot (which i knew about myself) but really, it's not that necessary. i talk about the same things all the time. the processing helps and you can see the clarity as i work through things, but at the same time, i need to progress somehow. i'm stuck in a rut and i need to climb out of it.

money is a huge issue. i need to get my finances together. so at some point, i need to sit down and write out a plan of what i want to accomplish and how i'm going to accomplish it. hmmm... i need some financial guidance. this is the stress of my life. money.

lately i've been thinking about what i want to do with my life too. i'm actually a little embarrassed to say it. but i want to be a counselor. and the funny thing is, when i decided this, that's when my world started falling apart. i started with the eating disorder hardcore, i was sexually assaulted, i became really emotional...etc. part of my reasoning is that i would like to keep people from going through the same things that i have, i'd like to do that. i would like to do rape, crisis, PTSD counseling at some point. but also, i'd like to help kids figure out what they want to do and what roads will actually take them there. like what a guidance counselor is supposed to be. not just what they are known for. i'd like to be apart of the few that actually do what they are supposed to do.

anyways - i just had a drop in hormones and the tears are close to coming. i hate that. so i'm going to need to go now. hope everyone is well and i hope that my hormone level returns to normal soon. i'm going to need to not cry today. :-)

2008-09-09T06:51:00.001-07:00

there are a lot of things that i was going to say in this post. just about life in general and then i erased it. all of it. i've been having a crisis of sorts here lately. my skin was looking shitty, my attitude was sour, i was emotional and just not the life of the party that i usually am with my friends. i just felt so fake and lifeless. then sunday, i went shopping, treated myself to a facial and thai food, then watched the Bears/Colts game on the phone with my dad. it was just a good restful day. the only thing that would have made it better would have been if i'd gone to church and really felt like i was back "in" with god. i've been on the outs for a while now. not because i feel like he kicked me out, but rather i turned my back on that to do what i wanted.

so yesterday and today i've been so free. just light and airy and wonderful. i can't explain it. i'm not overly ecstatic, i'm just in love with life right now. and i realize that it's going to hurt talking to seri sometimes and life in general may not be too comfortable - but it's ok. i'm still here, i'm still strong and i need to remember that it's ok to feel things and to be emotional - i just can't let that control me.

so with that said, things have been going fine. i still haven't thrown up or used laxatives in what seems like forever. i've decided to go back to school for sure. so now i need to just finish writing those damn essays so i can send in my application. i'm serious about it this time.

i'm still dancing. and when i'm not dancing, i'm working out which has helped the eating struggles. one of these days i'll be able to eat without the paranoia. i'm really excited for that day. and i've kind of revisited my body goals and have decided that i don't want to be skinny. i just want to tone up and fit well into my clothes at whatever size that i may be. i hope to get to the point where i don't even own a scale anymore. that's down the road a ways but i know that i can do it.

so that's that. nothing has really changed but my attitude. but it's for the better and i'm excited to see my life follow.

today i asked seri to walk down to breakfast with me at work. i know that i need to be careful with him, but at the same time - i wanted to be sure that i'm ok, you know? i've never had to live and breathe around someone i'd broken up with or terminated any kind of relationship with after the fact. i've always moved. every 1 - 3 years of my life besides college. so it's been really hard for me to deal him being around and having mutual friends that don't know anything about it. this morning he told me that he doesn't think he's getting married. that she's calling it off. well, honestly, i didn't think it was going to last anyways. but now, although i'm sad for him and i would go get a drink or something with him (and a group of people), i can't go back down that road with him. he had his chance with me - and i'm turning out to be one of those stupid girls that keeps going back but i'm trying my damnedst not to be that girl this time. i knew that he wanted me to wait it out before because he didn't think it was going to happen. but i can't do that this time. i still like him, but now i'm finally back at the point of being able to see the whole picture instead of just the pieces that are close to me. so i need to do what's best and stop lowering my standards and being desperate. just because i feel for him doesn't mean that i have to be an idiot about him.

so that's the thought process right now. i'm working on myself again. one of these days it'll actually pay off.

2008-08-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

i've been invited to a going away party for one of seri's friends, by one of my friends that works with seri. she doesn't know about me and seri - so i don't think it's a setup. but i'm debating on whether or not i should go. i'm finally fine with him. i can be around him (when necessary) without being all worked up or longing for him, etc. FINALLY. but i don't know if he's bringing his fiance or not. so that throws a wrench in my plans. i would go even if she was there and be fine. but i don't know if he's told her anything about me. i would assume not, but then again, i've assumed alot of things about him and they've turned out not to be so good. so that's my weekend dilemma. i'm thinking that i'm not going to go. that's the strongest instinct that i have and so i should probably follow it right?

so i think i told y'all that i was taking bellydancing and i love it. well i still love it. and not just "love it", but LOVE it. so now i'm going to Samba lessons too. and that i just love. it's not my favorite just because i have the body issues and don't think i'm sexy. i'm getting there though. i can do all of the moves except one. i just need to get comfortable with myself and get my sexy on. at bellydance, i've been told i'm a natural, which of course makes me feel great. but at the same time makes me put pressure on myself to be the best at it. and if i don't do it perfectly, i can get kind of OCD about it. but it's been a good thing for me.

i haven't thrown up in almost a month either - i think it's going on about 3 weeks. thank goodness. so i'm holding steady with that. i need to start running again so i can tone up and just feel better about myself. i've been trying to keep busy so that i can keep my mind and body occupied. that way i won't even have time to think about throwing up because i'll be so tired from running around or on my way somewhere so i can't do it. that's the plan right now. so far it's been working. i haven't lost any weight but i feel better. so it's working as far as i'm concerned.

other than that, not much else has been going on really. i've had my eye on the DHL man that picks up deliveries at my job every night. so i don't mind staying too late after work because i get to see him if i time it right. a little eye candy never hurt right? if i could just get past myself - i might actually ask him out at some point. we'll see.

2008-08-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

I know i'm not a man, but i LOVE the picture of the man covering his face. So cute and flirty.

let's see how life is...
work...is work. i like it for the most part. but every now and then it throws me a curve ball. a woman was fired in an adjacent department and now my coworker is applying for that job. it's hard to think of her leaving but i think this will be a great move for her. i think her career will advance really quickly and she'll get to where she wants to be sooner than she originally thought. and the best thing is that this opportunity comes at a great time becasue her mom had to have a surgery that sent her into early retirement. so now if A gets this job, then she'll be able to afford to send money home to her mom and things won't be so tough on her. so anyways, i said all that to say that i hope she gets it, even though it's going to be weird not working with her.

life...is going well. i'm taking a dancing class - bellydance that is. it's great and i love it. apparently i'm really good at it too. who knew that the girl that hates her body would be good at such a physical activity? well i am. so i'm thinking i'll be doing this for a while now. a friend and i are starting samba lessons tomorrow too. i'm soooo excited. i love dancing so i'm thinking that this will be my new way of working out. money permitting, i'm going to be doing this for a long time.

seri...he's fine. there's flirting and what not, but nothing's going on anymore. so that's good. i can see clearly that he treated me like a whore and really, i let him. so i need to correct that mentality for the next "relationship" or whatever i get myself into. a part of me is still so attached to him too though which is annoying. but i think it's because he "beat" me and i feel like i can't let him "win". stupid i know, but you know how that goes.

eating...it's fine. i haven't thrown up for about 2 weeks now - maybe 3. the time before last that i threw up, i busted a ton of blood vessels in my face and it looked like some weird red speckly rash. so that's what i told people it was. i also couldn't really breathe either. i was having an allergic reaction to something that i threw up and my throat was swollen. it was good times. i had to take benadryl for about a week to counteract the allergic reaction and just wait for the "rash" to go away. you'd think that would keep me from throwing up again, but i gave in the other day. i hate that i did. but i really don't think about it much anymore. so that's good. i feel like i'm getting better. and that's part of the reason that i love dance because it's taking my mind off of being "so fat". you'd think that it would make things worse but bellydancers are supposed to have a little cushion for the pushing. also, i'm down about 10 pounds naturally (the throwing up has never helped me lose weight) so that helps things too.

i think that's about it right now. i'm just working on making myself busy, making my apartment that i've been in for about 4 months comfortable and inviting for people to come over and hang out - which it seems like i've done because people are always asking to come over. i don't get it but i love it. i've been working on getting back into school for my degree. so that's something good that's been keeping my mind occupied and keeping me focused on getting better.

so that's what i've been up to. hope everyone's good. i still want to be thin but not trying quite so hard to do it the unhealthy way. :-)

2008-08-06T06:50:00.001-07:00

just got back from florida on Sunday. i LOVE it there. it's hot as hell down there with no rain, but it was soooo great. one of my best friends from college lives there so i went down for her birthday. so fun. this is the last year that she will be able to do what she wants as she is "with child" and she's due at the end of January. i can't believe she's going to be a mommy. it's so weird when your friends have their first kid. i'm so excited for her. they're going to be great parents.

so while i was there, we went to the beach (you have to), shopping, had a game night with her extended family and just kind of chilled. usually, she has 50 milion things she wants me to do with her, but this time we just relaxed and hung out. i loved it. and actually got a little teary eyed when i had to leave.

so that was good - i got some sun and cleared my mind a little. i needed that vacation. i was getting too caught up in myself here. and also being in miami and ft. lauderdale reminds me that i'm a normal girl, i weigh a normal amount and i'm just...normal. i could definitely have a worse life than i have. i complain alot (to myself) that i'm just not where i need to be financially, emotionally, etc. but really, i'm doing ok.

best moment from the beach: jenny and i are sitting on these beach chairs soaking up the sun and watching all of the people around us. we found this one little girl particularly interesting as she was trying to build sandcastles at the water's edge while the rest of her family was in the water playing and swimming. well, you could tell she was getting really frustrated about her sandcastle making as they just weren't standing up or when she'd lift the pail, the sand would tumble out into a shapeless mound. jenny and i were just on the verge of going over and giving her some pointers when she started digging this deep hole to get wetter sand. we were enthralled in this whole process for about a good 20 minutes. eventually, the girl gets wet enough sand, makes the perfect sandcastle and moves along to play with her family. about 5 minutes after she's abandoned her castle project, two guys around 20ish come walking by. they just reak of alcohol and bad attitudes. just as they really get their "i'm way too cool for this" stride, the biggest tool of them steps into the hole that the little girl dug. seriously, the funniest thing i've seen in a long time. he didn't fall completely, but enough that he had to brace himself with his hand (the one without the beer) and his friend had to jump out of the way. his friend, jenny and i had the best laugh about it. he kind of grinned it off and moved along. as his friend was laughing, he stopped close enough to us to hear us say, "we probably should have given them some kind of warning. i mean, she just dug it about 15 minutes ago..." the friend laughed a little harder, the guy that fell was not quite as amused. but we had a good solid laugh about it.

so funny. i think you had to be there...

2008-07-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

life has been life here lately. but not an ocd life of seri-ness either - just life. went to a family reunion in philly where i got completely trashed and my cousins had to take care of me. then came back to chicago where i ran into seri in the hallway and had a decent convo with him. it was fine. and the best part of it was that i felt little of nothing. it's fading ever so slowly - which i appreciate more than you appreciate not hearing about it. i've been eating like a normal person and not starving or purging or berating my mind at all. appalling right?? i know. that is...until Friday.

Friday, I felt awful. just terrible. it hit me like a ton of bricks that i was just so fat and unlovable. seriously...where does that even come from after almost a month of doing fine? i'd like to know so i can kick the shit out of it for real. then i saw seri - and really - it's not even about him because we all know that he's an asshole. it's the idea of not being good enough to be loved. so i saw him talking to this girl and looking at me. they probably weren't talking about me, but it really was all i could do to keep myself together. at that point, i lost my appetite (we were on our way to lunch), hated my outfit, and just wanted to disappear. so ridiculous i know.

friday night i took laxatives for the first time in months. it was the worst/best thing ever. i'd forgotten how much the pain takes over your mind and you really don't have time to obsess over anything. it's the same way when you're not eating. the constant thought of calories keeps your mind occupied. purging gets all of the emotion out so you don't have to feel. crazy. crazy. crazy.

so that's that. i was doing fine being "normal" until something in me cracked on friday. now i'm back on the "normal" track. maybe this time i can do it for months instead of weeks.

i'm trying...

Happy Monday!!

2008-07-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

hope everyone is doing fine. I have spent the past 4 days taking the train into the City, walking around the Taste of Chicago, going to festivals and plays, and really, just being free and wonderful.

i really did have a great weekend.

didn't think about seri too much. didn't obsess about food too much. didn't purge at all. didn't starve at all. i was normal and fine and free. i finally feel like myself. i even got more of my apartment squared away. i'd taken a hiatus from getting things together since i'd moved because i got overwhelmed and caught up in myself. but this weekend things went a lot smoother than i thought and i was just great and able to get some things done. so when i got Philly in a week and a half i won't come back to cluttered apartment. it'll actually be nice to come home and be in my own space.

i've calmed down a lot since the seri engagement. i was supposed to go to a party that he was supposedly going to as well. but thankfully, i didn't make it to the party. so i didn't have to even speculate how i'd act around him. i didn't have to think about if he was going to bring his fiance or try to come home with me. so that was good. i actually don't even have anything to say about him really besides that. i'm actually ok today. of course, i always want to see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria but it's more of an insecurity check than anything. i want to know that he thinks i'm attractive. that's all. i don't even want to see him for him.

anyways - i hope that everyone is doing well and maybe i'll have something funny to talk about next time i log in. i'm on my way up kids!!

Seri's engaged!!

2008-07-02T06:57:00.001-07:00

i found out last night. as I was being told, I was fine. this person doesn't know anything about him and me, so i didn't want my reaction to be what gave it away. then i called my best friend and that's when the tears started.

funny thing is, it's not even him. i don't want to be with him anymore (although, as i've said before, i want his sex). lately, i've been feeling like 29 is the end of the world for me. i know it's not. and i won't be 29 until October. but for some reason (it's usually hormonal - imagine that) i tend to get very emotional about it. the other day i scared myself thinking that i only had like 9 good years left which means that i only have 108 chances to have a baby. which really, is not going to happen unless i'm in a relationship with someone, preferably married. which leads into why i was so emotional - i was throwing a tantrum. the "when am i going to get married" tantrum. seriously - i didn't even think i was ready for marriage until a few months ago and definitely not with seri.

so that's that. seri's getting married. he came up to my desk yesterday and talked to me for about 30 minutes and still didn't tell me. i guess he doesn't owe me that, but really, if he's going to talk about us having sex while he 's at my desk (it's true) then he can tell me he's engaged. he really is an asshole. :-)

besides that, i've been craving Kentucky Fried Chicken wings and this vegetable salad / dip - not necessarily together, but that'd be fine if it was. damn period. bless my heart if one of those 108 eggs actually comes to fruition cause whoever fathered that thing is going to have some serious "i'm having a baby and i'm craving crazy shit in the middle of the night" buying times.

2008-06-24T05:23:00.000-07:00

so much has happened lately - i don't know where to start.

vacation:
it was wonderful. i went to florida for 4 days and it was great. my friend lives a 1/2 block from the beach - so that's where i spent my free time. all of my free time. it was glorious. and this time i didn't get sunburnt which is a plus. part of the time was also spent visiting my sister, her husband and kids. god, i love them. they are the greatest family and really do keep me grounded. i get so caught up in things here that i can't see myself the way i should - but there i'm just me - and i love it.

while i was there too, i had an epiphany about this whole thing with seri. obviously i was letting him drive me crazy. but i let him treat me any kind of way and instead of walking away earlier - i just stayed and took the drama and whatever else he threw at me. so i decided to talk to him again when i got back. which leads into:

seri:
i talked to him yesterday. i emailed and told him i wanted to talk and that i didn't want to rehash everything we talked about before, i just had something to tell him. so basically i said that i was sorry for being so emotional about everything and really throwing that on him. it wasn't all his fault as i said above. i let him treat me that way. so i told him that it wasn't all his fault and that i just really haven't been right since my aunt died. i made six 13 hour trips (from chicago to ga to philly back to ga back to chicago back to philly back to chicago) to see family which turned into helping with funeral arrangements and then going back for the funeral. doing all of that and then not seeing my family since then takes a toll on me. they keep me grounded and stable. so i said that i hadn't been myself completely and just rested since thanksgiving and i took that out on him. he asked why and i told him about my aunt - he knew because when i was going through it i kind of talked to him about it a little bit. then he tries to get all sweet and ask if i'm ok, etc and really i'm fine. i told him that. i'm still dealing with it of course - but i'm fine. after that brief conversation/apology (i told him that that doesn't let him off the hook for everything, i was just apologizing for the things that i felt i didn't handle correctly) we talked for another 30 minutes. it was nice. i asked about the girlfriend. a little painful but not as bad as before - and the more i talk to him about her, the less i want to be with him. double edged sword that one. so i've decided that i will be his work friend and move on with life. then of course he asks me to go running with him - when i wanted him to, he never asked - now i could care less really. so i said no. i can't hang out with him like that knowing that he's with her.

life:
although i gained about 5 pounds since i've been in florida, i have not purged. so that's great. i've panicked. i've even stopped eating so much - but no purging. i feel good about myself right now. i'm running again and trying to be healthy. i want to be healthy. i want to eat normally and not feel like i'm dying inside if i have a piece of cake or some candy or a slice more of pizza than someone else. it's not the end of the world. i'm trying to teach myself that. and i'm trying to really absorb the fact that i'm not the fattest thing people have seen walking down the street. i am not traumatizing people when they notice me. they don't scream in horror as i turn to face them so i shouldn't feel so bad all of the time. so i'm really really trying this time. i don't know how to be normal. anyways...

long story short: vacation was great, i'm back to being myself, i don't hate seri, and i feel this huge weight has been lifted off of me and i'm free again. free to be me and live the life that i was living before he came along. i still want to rip his clothes off everytime i see him but now i know what's best for me and it's not him. :-)

hope all is well with everyone!!

2008-06-10T06:30:00.000-07:00

steve harvey morning show is what gets me through the morning every morning. they are so funny and steve reminds me of my dad. same kind of humor and vocal mannerisms. so funny. so everyday they have the strawberry letter that shirley reads and gives advice about. it's a play on strawberry letter 23 and shirley's last name is strawberry. anyways - this morning, the letter was about this girl who says that she's very attractive and because of this she's always had problems with men wanting her. she says that right now she has a boyfriend and five men that want to be with her. One man, she said, has even threatened to kill her if she doesn't get back with him and she wants to know what to do. so usually at this point, shirley would be the voice of reason and give the woman some stable advice. then steve would come on and give the funny, but true advice after that. this time shirley didn't have anything to say and steve just said that this woman was crazy. he basically said that at some point she must have needed closure and keeps talking to these men - egging them on - and what not. so that's why she's having problems. that got me to thinking about seri's dumb ass again. closure is what i needed when i told him that i didn't want to see him anymore. so i got that and then we had another "talk" and that killed part of the closure for me. so now i keep thinking that i need to tell him that i'm serious and really just can't be his friend. but i don't need to do that. i don't need that kind of closure, i have it. steve was saying that women need closure to move and men move on to get closure. so that's where i'm at right now. that cleared up what i'd been thinking about. so i'm really not going to contact him anymore at all. i've already taken his number out of my phone and am working on forgetting it now. that will be good for me. and so will this vacation.

after seeing sex and the city the other day, i was driving home and thinking about random things and it just came to me. i am always apologizing for myself - if i'm not wearing an outfit that i think is up to par - i make an excuse about it. or if my shoes are what i think are quite right for the outfit i'm wearing - i make an excuse for that too. so i was thinking that i need to stop doing that. i barely ever care about anyone's outfit and if i think something's cute, then i should wear it and let that be that instead of feeling like if i'm not perfect, there's something wrong with me. i don't know why i have this crazy standard of perfection in my head that i have to reach all of the time. so i'm trying to relax and just do me. wear what i think is cute even if i feel like my body isn't perfect (i.e. fat arms and thighs). i need to just love myself. unconditionally. i can love other people through just loads and loads of bullshit - i don't even hate seri - but i don't treat myself the same way and i should. so i'm working on it. loving myself.

that's an amazing concept to me. i keep having these kinds of revelations that other people just inherently know and it's so weird to me that i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to love myself for who i am. i am always trying to be better - the best - perfect. some unknown, crazy "perfect". my cousin told me the other day that he's proud of where i am in life and that i should be sharing that with other people. people that need to know that there is another life outside of living on and in the streets selling themselves and drugs and doing whatever. and you know what i told him? i'm not there yet. i can't help anybody until i get to the next level. with that attitude, i'll never help anybody. it's like preparing to have kids, you'll never have them if you have to prepare and be in this perfect place in life. no one is ever ready for it. so i need to chill out and start living my life like it's golden. stop worrying about the craziness and the drama and let it go. let it be what it is and pull people up along the way as i'm making my life better.

no purging for three days. if i can make that into another 3 weeks then i should be happy. it's a long time and i should be proud of myself for what i accomplished. not downing myself because i slipped up. one day i'll stop and i'll be able to help someone else that's going through this and it will have all been worth it.

and now i must process invoices - my least favorite part of printing...

2008-06-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to marvin gaye all afternoon. i love him. if he were still alive i'd totally be a groupie. the man speaks to my soul. it's been raining for the past hour or so here and it's making me tired. i'm glad the warm weather is here, but now it's cramping my style with all of the rain. i need less rain and more sun.

i thought about seri a lot last night while i was trying to sleep and i've come to the conclusion that i really don't want to be friends with him in any sense of the word. the more i don't talk to him, the more clarity i get and the more i realize that i was right for cutting him off. i do miss him though. he's fun to talk to and of course i miss his body. but you know, it's not worth the crazy i feel when i'm dealing with him.

i purged this weekend. and it had nothing to do with seri this time. and it felt so good. but so awful at the same time. i don't know if i'll ever be able to stop completely. i think it will continually be one of those things that i do on occasion. i hope one day i can stop, but i doubt it. it always comes back.

i'm going to florida on thursday and coming back to chicago on Tuesday. i can't wait. i get to see a friend and my sister and her family. i miss them so much. and i hate that i am missing so much of my neice's life. i got to enjoy my nephew but my neice doesn't know me as well.

anyways - sorry i feel like debbie downer. today is actually fine. i feel good about myself and what i wore to work. i haven't been fiening for seri today. so all is well. promise.

discombobulated thoughts...

2008-06-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

i keep trying to think of what to say. i keep trying to have it all make sense in my head and i just can't. i don't know what the problem is or where the disconnect is, but i don't understand it.

we talked yesterday. he was mad that i'd sent the text telling him that i didn't want anything else to do with him because he still hasn't paid me for the concert. he doesn't understand that it's not about the money. i even told him to keep it. it's just the fact that over and over again i keep telling him that i feel disrespected and somehow he doesn't understand it. he doesn't understand that i might need that money for something and for him to keep promising it to me and then not delivering might put me in a bad situation. thankfully that's not the case, but that's the point. he feels like it's not the case and so he does what he wants. i kept telling him that it wasn't about the money, i don't want the money, i don't NEED the money...i need him to leave me alone. and part of this is obviously my fault because after i sent him the text regarding the money he kept saying that we had unfinished business, etc and he was going to talk to me. so i texted him the other day and told him i had a question - so he called friday but i was out of the office. so i emailed yesterday and asked what he needed. so he called and asked me what my question was - so i told him that i didn't want to talk about it at work. so what does he do? he comes upstairs to talk to me at my desk. i was sooooo heated with him. i could feel fire shooting from my eyeballs. so anyways we were talking about the money and he kept saying that he would pay me for it and i kept telling him that i didn't want the money. that it wasn't about the money.

so then he challenges me to tell him when he's been disrespectful to me. um, hello, what about the girl at the party? suddenly he's stammering and telling me that he doesn't even really remember what happened because he was so wasted that night. "AND" he says, "I apologized for that." i thought i was going to hit him. i told him that if he apologized to someone it wasn't to me. so he apologized then.

then he said that i called him soft when he was telling me that he couldn't go to the concert. he says he was trying to open up to me. but really, seriously, what was i supposed to do? just listen to him go on and on about her and the new guy that she's dating? i don't want to hear that shit. my god. i'm already trying to keep it together and i'm barely doing that - let alone to have to endure the bullshit of a love triangle. we also talked about his living with his ex - which i don't like at all. "but that's another story altogether" i said. that started a discussion of "what do you want to know about? do you want to know about this? what about this? what about this?"

anyways - it came down to us being friends. pure friends. he said (being a smart ass) that he didn't know we needed an instruction book. and i told him if it hadn't been so fucking convoluted, we wouldn't need one. so he kept asking me what my question was and what i wanted to know and i said i didn't have a question and didn't want to know anything else. that's when he decides to tell me that he's back with her. they've been back together for the past two weeks or so. yeah - pretty much gutted me right there.

needless to say, i'm a little upset about this whole thing. he ways that he decided that they needed a second chance at it. that he hadn't been fair to her and he needed to give it another try. try to make it work. fine, i told him. i can respect that, i said. inside i was dying and wanted to leave and just cry. but i didn't and i haven't yet. but i did purge for the first time in 3 weeks. i don't know what else to do. i don't know how to handle this whole thing. i'm so angry with him and myself for letting myself fall for him. i knew better but i still just did it.

when i talked to my mom last night, she said that he's confusing her. that on one hand he's telling me that he doesn't want a relationship with me, but when i tell him that i don't want it either, then he's in my face telling that he's pissed that i would go so far as to take away my friendship over money.

my question was: Why does it matter...why does he care so much...? what does he have to lose? some pride? a girl that finds him attractive? there will be more of them. i don't know.

so that's my saga right now. i don't know what to think or if the feelings i'm feeling are even valid. my heart hurts and i'm cranky today. i'm angry at him because i like him and maybe he does like me. but it's not enough right now. he chose her over me and i don't know if i can come back from that right now. i need a break from life and it can't come soon enough. i feel like we broke up and that's my own stupid fault because we were not even dating and i let myself get attached.

i officially suck.

and it continues...

2008-05-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired of him. :-) same shit different day really.

the past few days have been fine. we talked and it was good. then today he came up and we talked and it was good. then we were talking about being muslim...and that's when the girlfriend mention came up. he asked me why i'm not muslim like my the men in my family. (a lot of my cousins are black muslims) and i said that i'm not submissive enough and that i wouldn't fit in with them. so he's teasing me about that. and he says that at least my husband could have multiple wives and i said that that wasn't for me, especially with a husband. you can feel it coming can't you...? so i asked him why he wasn't muslim, that it seemed to be right up his alley. I don't think he liked that. but he said that he already had one and he didn't think he could handle another one. "one beats you down, but two will kill you." yep - pretty much stabbed me in the heart with that one. so funny how a passing statement like that can draw blood. amazing.

last night i was thinking about this whole thing again and decided that i needed to change my perspective of him and me, myself, my eating, everything. i reminded myself of the woman that i was. i'm a good woman (i was watching grey's anatomy and they kept repeating that) and i deserve good things. i deserve to have a good man. i deserve to live the kind of life that makes me happy. not only do i deserve to make myself happy, but i'm good woman because i make other people happy. i carry people's burdens. i'm told that i'm cute. i'm told that i'm a good listener. that i'm trustworthy. that i'm a good secret keeper. that i'm intuitive. that i help people live fuller lives. and that makes me happy. and i should be doing that. why aren't i? because i keep letting this eating disorder rule my life.

i need to start taking a step back and figuring out what i'm doing. my life for the past few years has been a series of eating episodes, crying, and toilet trips - whether to throw up or shit out the 12 laxatives i took a few hours ago. it's sadistic and self-deprecating and yet i'm addicted. i'm addicted to feeling bad about myself and throwing up my food. i'm addicted to the pain of life and let men hurt me . i don't need that and i shouldn't stand for it. but i do.

i need to change it. i need seri to leave me alone and i need to move on to doing things that make me happy again. i need to live...

the writing's on the wall...

2008-05-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

i got my handwriting analyzed at work on Friday. one of the women that i've worked on a couple of projects with did it for me. so great. i loved it. when she started she was saying all of these nice things about me real general like. you know, like a psychic reading. but then, she said "ok, are you ready for the bad stuff?" i was. i was intrigued and dreading it all at the same time. and we'd agreed ahead of time that she could be as honest as she wanted. well, it turns out that i have perfectionistic qualities that result in my low self-esteem. she said it shocked her because i seem so laid back and content with myself. i thought that was interesting. so apparently, this facade that i put up, DOES work. so that was encouraging. i keep thinking that if i put up the facade strong enough and long enough - it'll be me eventually.

then i had all kinds of emotion this weekend, analyzing the seri thing again. seriously, the man has made me all introspective. i guess that's good as long as it doesn't go overboard. i've been thinking about why i let him treat me the way that he does. why i go back and forth between being his whore and wanting to be his girlfriend. well, as i was crying and watching movies this weekend, i found that i've always just been 2nd place in mens' lives. all of the men in my life have seemed to have separate lives that took precedence over me. so strange to think about. but at least i realize it now right? so i'm on the verge of fixing those feelings. i need to do better and just be better. i'm tired of hating myself so much.

eating was ok this weekend. didn't overdo it, hadn't purged in a little bit (at least since the previous weekend) and then last night happened. i rolled through wendy's last night on my way home, got a spicy chicken meal with chicken nuggets on the side and a large sprite, and had at it. so gross. but so necessary it seemed. i'm tired of crying and being so emotional. when purging, i cry but it's not the same - it's more tearing up than anything. it's a byproduct of the physical release.

anyways enough of that. other than being emotional, i've been good. went to a birthday party this weekend and then took a friend out to Boystown for a little gay partying. he hasn't been able to meet anyone in the suburbs because everyone's so in the closet out west. so that was a good time. i love hanging out with him. i'll tell more stories about him next time. then you're guaranteed a funny post (or at least i'll attempt to be funny).

2008-05-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

i feel good today - kinda. i'm in one of those moods where i could go either way. i could either be completely fine and have the best day just going about my business. or i could feel everything really deeply. so i'm riding it out. on the way to work today, i decided to be calm and stress free. i listened to the radio and took my time getting here. i even put on some eye liner and mascara this morning before going to work. i just want to look nice and pretend that i feel that way even if i don't.

i've been thinking about seri more (of course) and i'm just trying to get a handle on this whole thing. i have a feeling that this could go on for the next couple years if i let it. he'd let me call and have him come over again and again as much as i wanted. so i really need to keep working to get over him. even if that means that i have a few bad days - it'll be worth it. it's like quitting smoking. i need to cut him off cold turkey. if i sleep with him again, i'll have to go through this again - and i really don't need that. i have a feeling i'll slip up though. i'm hornier than a bitch in heat all the fricking time! but anyways - i digress...

in the case that i slip up i need a game plan. what course of action do i take?

1. i'm thinking that i'll have to enforce his leaving right after regardless of the situation. if we're just "friends" then i don't have to have a reason that you can't stay - you just can't. so get the hell out. ahem, i mean - please leave now. laying around and talkking is no good after sex unless you want intimacy with that person. if you don't want to be my boyfriend, then i'm going to need you to not build up a false intimacy with me.

2. i'm going to need to not call or text him. this may cut out the sex in the first place - if i can actually enforce this. when i'm drinking, my fingers have a mind of their own. and man, are they stubborn! i always end up wanting a good fuck when i'm drunk - and he's amazing. whew...i'm getting heated just thinking about it.

3. i need to stop talking about him so much - here and in real life. i need to start telling most people that i'm done with it so that maybe it will become a reality. the more i practice being done, the easier it will be to actually be done with it.

so that's what i've got.

eating-wise...i've been purging every day here recently - multiple times - except the past two days. Friday night was the worst i think. i purged about 5 times after work that night. then took laxatives on Sunday. it's amazing when you look in the mirror and have the realization that you're killing yourself. i can't explain how that feels. it's the strangest feeling - you feel so numb and helpless. what's even worse than that, is when you don't even see yourself as the person in the mirror. the person you're killing is just a person that deserves to die. i want her to die most times. i don't want her to feel. i don't want her to be here. she's taking up my space. she's seperate from me - completely. strange. and so tiring.

for the most part, i'm ok. purging is keeping most of my demons at bay. keeping that girl that feels and hates the ED in the mirror. And that sucks but i'm ok. i think that's why this whole seri thing is killing me. because the girl in the mirror wants it so badly and she's fighting for it whether it's good or not so she has some freedom to feel. so she can come out every now and then from glass prison and experience life.

i'll have to think on this a little more.

oh to be chosen...

2008-05-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

and so i'm having a hard time today with this whole seri business. i've been strong. i haven't texted or emailed (except to see when i'm getting my money for the concert ticket). but today, he looks good (he's wearing an orange/peach shirt that i love) and i haven't really seen him. man, i suck!!

so here's the rant...

i don't know what to do. i want to be with him. right now. in this moment. i want to be with him. i want to be his girlfriend and do all the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do. i want to hold hands and give him a kiss before i leave places. i want to call him "baby" or some other pet name that makes people want to throw up and/or hit me at any given moment. i want to have inside jokes with him. i want to be able to touch him all over whenever i want. i want to call and share things with him that matter to me.

but on the other hand...i don't want to call. i told him to choose and i want him to choose. i want to know what capacity of friendship he wants. i mean, i know, but i want him to say it. i want him to tell me out loud, to my face instead of trying to bullshit me all the time. i don' t know what else to say or do. what should i expect from him? am i asking too much?

my heart is a little heavy right now. so i've been leaving work at 5 regardless of the time that i've gotten here so that i can leave before he does in hopes of seeing him but not seeing him. it makes me yearn for him when i see him, but if i don't see him, i wonder about him. i'm such a girl.

the world as i know it...

2008-04-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

the latest is that shawn and i are "friends".

and the story goes...
i had an extra concert ticket to see Jay Z and Mary J Blige (one of the best concerts ever, btw) and one of the friends that was supposed to go didn't want to at the last minute. so i was scrambling and trying to find someone else to take the ticket. i wasn't even going to ask him, but it came down to asking him or taking the loss. so i asked. he said he wanted to go - he just needed to find a sitter. when i asked a day later whether he'd found the sitter, he said that he hadn't and his ex was going with her new boyfriend. i didn't really know why he shared that information. so i decided that out of the choices, i'd pick the one that would mean i wasn't reading into what he was saying which would be that he tried to find a sitter, couldn't, and his back up sitter (the ex) was going so he couldn't go. turns out my instinct (and analysis) was correct - i should have read into it. he texted the next day (the day of the concert) and decided that he wanted to go. then he says "nevermind. i just can't stand to see her with him". to that, my response was to call (it got screened) and then text that he was most likely not going to see her anyways because there were going to be thousands of people there (it's at the united center where the bulls play basketball. there's no way he's seeing her there.) and that he needed to man up and decide what he wanted from her (and me). and "as a friend" i told him that he needed to get himself together and not let her presence dictate what he would do and wouldn't do. so he said he'd go. well, 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, he bailed. he called and said he couldn't do it. i refused to be mad about that and just calmly said that it was his choice and he needed to do what he felt. i was so annoyed with him that next week.

so i texted and asked him what we were...are we fuck buddies, friends, friends with benefits...what? he responds that i'm his friend and he knows his life is confusing right now. that pissed me off. not because he said we were friends, but because he's just now telling me that his life is "confusing". i kind of figured that after the series of texts about the ex. and when i asked him about all of this before - he didn't have anything to say. now he's telling me that he still has feelings for her. so i emailed him and said that i didn't mind being his friend, but he needed to treat me better. because every problem that i've had with him has come down to what i thought should have been a common courtesy response i.e.
1. If I say i'm calling you at a certain time and you say that's fine, you should either text me that it's not fine or let me know the next day what happened since you didn't pick up my call.
2. if you invite me to your birthday party and you've given me the impression that we're more than just "friends" and i see you making out with some girl - then i deserve an explanation or apology.
3. if i invite you to a concert that you know you're not going to regardless of the reason, don't waffle to the point that i can't find someone else to take the ticket - just tell me.

i don't think any of that is too much to ask. so i just said that if the concert situation would have happened with one of his boys - he would have had a different response and i didn't appreciate that. i said that just because i'm laid back doesn't mean i'm going to let him treat me any kind of way. that he was taking my kindness as weakness, etc. also, i said that i needed him to not talk to me about her in that way. telling me he has feelings for her is fine but i don't need to know that he can't stand to see her with "her new dude". because that strips him of his strength and that's what drew me to him. i said that he could be soft with me but if i was going to counsel him then we couldn't sleep together or anything because that would kill the attraction for me. so it was his choice. i told him to decide what he wants from me and let me know.

he hasn't responded. instead, he came up and talked to me like nothing happened. like i never sent the email although i know he got it. whatever.

so it comes down to my being an idiot for the umpteenth time. i hate that i do that. i hate that although i stand up for myself - i still let him get away with all of the shit that i wouldn't put up with from a friend or let a friend put up with. it's weird and stupid that i'm still letting him control me like this. but i like him so much and i can't shake it. i'm trying to, but i just can't. i'm trying not to get hurt, but he has this hold on me. he makes me feel pretty and attractive when i'm feeling so fat and ugly. when it's good, i don't purge. when i'm unsure, it's the worst trigger ever. i need to learn how to handle it all. i really do.

oh well - the eating update will come soon. it hasn't been so good here lately.

otherwise, i'm good...

2008-04-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

so i'm jealous. i'm jealous of a girl that i think has no feelings for the guy that i'm sleeping with on occasion. i hate that i get like this. the problem is that i'm feeling like crap today. and she looks good. she has the body that i want - big boobs, big butt, smaller waist. i don't think either of them like the other, but it bothers me when i see her in his cube. especially because it's usually days that i feel like shit and am not dressed up - you know, days when i can't compete.

you know - it's funny that i'm jealous of this girl and i throw up in order to lose weight or maintain the weight i'm at. i'm actually in the 150s now - striving to get down to 130. that would be a US size 5 for me. then i'd feel better, i think. i'd feel normal. perfect for my size. i need to get there - so my weight can be one less thing to worry about it. one less thing on the checklist.

oh well - no more whining. tonight i resume packing and hoping that i get the apt that i applied for. for some reason this has been the most challenging apt hunt i've been on since i've gotten here. usually you apply for the apt and pay your security deposit and the apt is yours. this time i'm competing with someone through credit checks. and my current lease is up next Thursday, May 1. she's supposed to call and let me know if i have the apt tonight or tomorrow during the day. if i don't the get apartment, i'll need to find something right away on Thursday. I'll have to go into overdrive and just take what i can get i think. that's when it's good to be type A. and i'll have to let that part of me shine through.

these are the times when i feel so hypocritical about being a christian. because i've been living my life the way i want and now i'm getting on my knees for an apartment because i'm down to the wire. i should be following the christian way all of the time regardless of the situation - not just when i need something. i shouldn't be making deals with God when my back's against the wall. but i don't know what else to do in this situation. blah!

oh the stress of it all!!

i'm moving....

2008-04-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

...again.

i'm so tired of moving. i've been in the chicago area for about 5 years and i've moved almost every year since i got here. and so, i've been looking for apartments again. and trying to find a place i could live in for 2 years at least. i think i found it yesterday. i just need to get myself together and get the application done. the woman is really nice and the condo is really spacious. so hopefully i'll get that done today and out of the way so i don't have to think about it. that'll be one thing i can definitely check off the list. Since my lease is up on May 1 - i'm kind of down to the deadline and just need to make sure that everything is together at this point.

on another note - a friend of mine lives in the town that i'm moving to - which would generally be a good thing right? well, i don't know. she's a little crazy. i'm crazy and ocd here, but she's crazy and clingy all the time with most of her friends. i didn't know this until i started really hanging out with her. so when i move i'm going to have to really lay the smack down on my boundaries. there are times when i don't want to be bothered and she's just going to have to deal with that. i hate being like that, and i know at some point it's going to become an issue. i'm dreading it. she's one of thoese people that would drive past your house after calling you, to see if you were really not home or busy when you declined hanging out with her. then call and tell you that she's knows you're home. so i'm kind of gearing up for that. and i might just be freaking myself out at this point, but better to be prepared for crazy and not have it you know?

i don't know how i find these people... maybe the crazy draws them in.

i don't know what i'm doing....

2008-04-12T15:34:00.000-07:00

seri's back and i'm maintaining stupidity. i understand how annoying this saga is for everyone. but hey!! imagine being in it. i have no idea what i'm doing.

after the party and telling him that i was mad that next monday. i ended up cussing him out over text message. i told him that he disrespected me and i didn't appreciate it. i said that even if we were just fucking there was no reason for him to treat me that way. that if he ever did treat me that way again, i'd castrate him. and he needed to "clean [his] game up son!!" well, i apologized for the castration comment. my feeling were extremely hurt and my hormones are all crazy right now. he came up and semi-apologized to me and we've been talking a little since then.

last night was the first time that he's come over since the incident. definitely a bootycall, but i was down with it. he's hot, i'm constantly horny...it was time. it was great too. that man does things to me no one else has ever done. i'm sore in places i've never been sore. it was great. afterward, i was thinking about all of the things i wanted to tell him and all the questions that i had about what we were and how we were doing this thing - and i decided that i would let him sleep. and i must have been staring at him at one point while he was sleeping because he opened his eyes and asked me if i wanted something - creepy right? felt weird and awkward and just said nope, that i was just thinking and laid my head back on his chest.

i've decided that i'm not going to corner him into answering tricky questions yet. i'm going to keep it calm and managed and move it on along with how it is. i don't know, something's just shifted and i feel normal again. so i'm just kind of hanging out in this normail place watching the world go by. maybe i just needed a good roll in the hay to release all of the pent up emotions i had. :-)

other than that, i'm good. he's good. he wanted me to call him yesterday but i didn't. not because i was playing games with him (well, kinda) but mostly because i was busy and figured if he wanted to talk to me he'd call. if not, fine. also, i always call when he tells me too. do i have to call every time? at some point he should make the effort.

alright. i'm done.

2008-04-10T09:52:00.001-07:00

you know you're classy when you lift your leg to fart while typing in your cube.

i'm a delicate flower.

2008-03-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

so i went to the party. wore a fab tube top (true green color from old navy), bcbg heels, and some bogari jeans. i was hot - which seri told me repeatedly. but i'm getting ahead of myself now. i got to the club with my friend about 1130 and seri had been there since 10. so when i finally talked to him, he was a little trashed - and by "trashed" i mean, completely trashed...

so i walk in and his friend says he's going to take me over to him but i think he saw what was happening and tried to distract me with a drink. but being the independent woman i am, i thought i'd buy my own drink. so i did. and while i was at the bar - i saw Seri on the other side of the bar making out with some girl. my girl was like "oh no he didn't. " but i was one step ahead of her. i got our drinks and moved right on over to the other side of the bar, tapped him on the shoulder, and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" i don't think he thought i was going to be there (even though i said i was) so the look on his face was priceless. i went to give him a hug and pushed me back a little to get a good look at the outfit (there was a keyhole in the tube top to show some cleavage cause i know he likes that) and then gave me groping hug telling me how hot he thought i looked. the girl he'd been making out with was eying me the whole time - but whatever. i didn't have anything against her personally - i was just pissed at him. anyways - i hugged him and forced him to let go of my hand and went to dance with my friend.

later on, my friend and i went back to the bar to get a shot of Patron and i got another drink - and i didn't notice that he was over beside me at all. i was actually having a great time. then he grabs me and tells me that he thinks i'm hot (again - i sound annoyed but i enjoyed it) and we danced a little. he never dances unless he's gone - and so that was a big clue to me. once again, homegirl is standing to the side waiting for him and looking at me. so i danced with him enough to get him worked up over me a little and then moved it on to the dancefloor.

last call - i went to tell everybody from work bye and said bye to Seri who was looking a mess at this point. i kissed him on the cheek and told him happy birthday again. he said that he didn't want me to leave. that he wanted to come home with me. i told him that he could come to my apt and sleep on the couch but that was it. then he suggested that i go with him to his friend's house. i told him and his friend no and tried to move towards the door. he grabs my hand and tells me again that i look hot, hugs me, and asks again if he can come over to which i whisper in his ear:
me: you knew i was coming tonight right?
him: yeah
me: you knew that i was coming to see you right?
him: yeah
me: so for you to have that girl all up in my face like that was disrespectful. you are not coming home with me. why don't you go home with your little friend? she obviously wants some of whatever you've got.

he gets all frustrated and sighs and finally lets me go.

i understand that we are not dating. so it's not a matter of him being with that girl. it's just a matter of him doing it in my face. his friends AND cousin were both hitting on me that night and i didn't talk to them out of respect for him. so for him to have that girl in my face like that, i find that very disrespectful.

i kind of talked to him this morning about it and he said that he doesn't remember what i'm talking about. he says that he barely remembers me being there. so i think that he thinks that we don't need to talk about it. i told him that i feel like he disrespected me and i think we need to set some boundaries. he hasn't responded yet. whatever. i keep saying that i'm done with him, but i'm not.

blah. there's more to the story but i don't have it in me to talk about it right now. i've been pissed all day and am just now coming down a little. so i'll let you know about that tomorrow.

i think i have a right be upset about this whole thing. and i would like to reiterate that it's not the girl. he can see and be with whomever he wants, but we should have some kind of rules as to whatwe'll do in those situations, right? god it sucks when my type A planner counterpart comes shining through.

2008-03-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Seri's having a birthday party tonight at a cute little club. I'm going. Wearing a tube top, cute jeans, heels and big hair - and praying that the ex girl is not there. So I'm sure I'll have updates for that on the morrow. drama, drama, drama right?

also, guess who's down to 160? that's right bitches!! Mama's coming down! I have been purging again but most of it is a diet change. i'm ok, i promise. the purging will stop soon. i'm working on it.

Beebs

2008-03-25T12:45:00.001-07:00

you know your boobs are big when while sitting at your desk, you get papers stuck underneath them and cause everything to fall off of your desk when you scoot back.

the bright side of my day today... :-)

dr. phill + seri = ramblings...

2008-03-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

so yesterday at a friend's house, i read (i'm ashamed to say) Dr. Phil's love book. my friend already had it. so that brings the pathetic nature of this story down a little bit right? god, i hope so. it started off as a joke. i would read a little to myself and then read the funny dr. phil-isms to everyone aloud. it was a good time. but then i got to the guy-q section where dr. phil tells you how to seduce your man and i pretty much lose sight of all else but seri. it's ridiculous really. i'm ridiculous. i've let my cards show and i don't know what to do about that.

so i know that i said that i was done with seri. but (obviously that was coming) i went back. i asked him about his ex girlfriend. if they were still living together (yeah - "dumbest idea i ever had). i was trying to feel out how tight they were and what that meant for me. i don't know why i'm so fucking interested in him anyways. it really does drive me crazy that i can't shake him. but i'm sticking this thing out and i'm shaking his ass if it kills me.

- so anyways i asked if she was his son's mother, if she was from his hometown, and how long they'd been dating. he totally still likes her. and i feel like julia roberts in my best friend's wedding when michael's chasing kimmy and julianne is chasing michael while talking to george, her gay friend, on the phone and he says "and whos' chasing you? nobody! got it? you are not the one! now you have a small but distinct window of opportunity to do the right thing!"

so he tells me that he's living with her to split the bills which we all know is a lie. he still cares about her and wants her around. so i said (laying it all out there in my anger) that i didn't like him living with her but that it was his life and he could do what he wanted. i shouldn't have said that. i shouldn't care. so i spent this weekend getting clarity. i didn't call or text. i just stayed to myself and tried to remember why it took me so long to even let him in in the first place.

and i haven't decided anything.

dr. phil says that i need to let him chase me. i need to give him some healthy competition. i need to be vague and nonchalant about plans with him. basically everything he's doing to me. but i'm not good at manipulation. and i'm pretty sure this is the first time that i've felt bad about that.

so i'm sure there will be more seri posts in the near future. hopefully soon he'll piss me off completely and i'll leave him alone for real. he's supposedly having a birthday party on Friday night. i figure that i can show up fashionably late from "previous plans" looking hot. say hi and move my way through the crowd. maybe take a girlfriend or gay man with me to the club. and that's if i go. i might just stay home and hang out at the crib. just me and the cats. yep, i just said that.

we'll see what the week holds.

Change 1: Drop Seri - for real this time

2008-03-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

i like him a lot still, but he makes me feel crazy. and crazily enough, i think he wants to. he's reading (I don't know if I've mentioned this already) the Art of Seduction which basically says that you take a person you're interested in (AKA the victim), send them mixed signals, give them vague responses, and basically make them dependent on you. i don't have the time or energy for that. so i decided that i was done with that. i cried a little last night. not over him, but it's always the same story for me. when i'm done with a relationship - it's my fault regardless of whether it was my fault really. it all goes back to being fat, ugly, and not good enough. which is another thing i need to fix. but i need to take it one step at a time.

so with seri, i kept giving him chances. i thought he was showing me how he felt about me and he was. i love when i'm right - but i need to learn how to filter through other's people's bullshit a little better. especially the romantics - since i have that covered on my own. anyways - back to seri. he told me to call him the other night and i did. but when i told him to call me the next week (sometime during the week just not that wednesday because of scheduled events) he didn't. i always cut him some slack because he has a kid and i don't know his schedule with his son or anything. just trying to be considerate. so when he didn't call me that week that was his strike 1. strike 2 came the other night when i asked if i could call him that night when i left work. mind you, i told him that i was going to work until 9 or 10 that night so i'd call as i was leaving. he says it's fine, but when i call he doesn't answer. i was heated. i mean, livid. but i brought back and decided that he'd fallen asleep or something. yesterday i text him and asked if he'd fallen asleep like i thought (well, given him the benefit of a doubt) and he texts back "prolly". i thought i was going to kill him. y'all see the crazy anxiety and the self-doubt here, but to the public eye - none of that shit shows up. so i haven't been calling him all of the time or anything. i'm not crazy acting with him so all of this not calling bullshit is all a power struggle that i always have with him and i hate it. it's annoying as hell and makes me doubt myself. so strike three came last night in the form of a text from me. i told him that i wanted to talk to him so i wanted him to call me last night. if he couldn't call, i told him to text and tell me that. he didn't. and i let him go.

i know that he likes me. but i don't have time to pull it out of him. it's too dangerous for me to step into that with him. i can see his insecurities. i can see all of his issues and i like him a lot still. but i don't have time to counsel him and pull myself together too. it's too close to my heart. i've already been purging like crazy again here lately because his vagueness (can't think of another word) and nonchalant but let me hold you after sex and let's talk about our futures and let me tell you intimate secrets bullshit attitude. he triggers me. so i'm walking away nicely. i don't hate him but i definitely don't want to be dragged into that.

i emailed my sister this morning about coming home to Georgia within the next two years because this morning i was doubting that i could make here anymore. that maybe all of the voices (self-esteem issues not actual voices - i'm ed not schizo) were right and i couldn't cut it in Chicago. i didn't tell her that but just said that i had been thinking about moving back and missed them so much. that i was maybe just really homesick. i wanted her to tell me to move home because i was stupid and shouldn't have moved so far away like everyone keeps telling me but this is what she wrote me:

I miss you too girl. I know I'm always saying you should move back closer to home. I stopped because I don't want you to think I'm trying to pressure you into anything. I know you've gone through that enough in your life already. I know your struggle so do what you feel you should do. What I mean is, I know why you needed to get so far away. I just think you've grown a lot since you've been gone and you are ready to come back closer and face or deal with as a adult what you were trying to get away from. Its time to be that grown woman Bibs!! And I mean to everybody in your life. It's time to prove that is who you are now and you can make your own decisions for your life. This is your life, you will have to deal w/ the consequences, no one else. So with that being said, from my point of view, I think you would be more fulfilled being near your loved ones. I said near, not next to ;-). I know I will. Just compare the two, the benefits of being in Chicago vs. the benefits of being closer to your family. Write it down and see which one has the most benefits and go from there. I love you Bibs!!! Just a little Big Sister talk to start your day!!! I'm so proud of you!!!

this is what i needed today. i needed to be reminded that i am a grown woman and i make my own decisions. a friend of mine said recently that she was impressed that i moved from small town Georgia to big city Chicago and i'm doing it on my own. with minimal help from my parents anyways. i come from a line of extremely strong women and a lot of times i feel like i don't measure up to that standard. but the uncertainty i feel is not a sign of weakness. everyone feels that. the weakness comes when i let others or that uncertain feeling dictate how i live my life. stepping out into the future not knowing what's going to happen but handling it as it comes takes strength.

so shawn can kiss my ass. i have enough people in my life telling me that i'm not good enough. that i made a bad choice moving here. that i can't make it here. that i'm not pretty enough. that i'm not thin enough. that i'm not perfect. i don't need a man beside me telling me the same thing. i need someone that's going to come alongside me and be strong with me. so if it takes another 3 years to get another boyfriend or boy that's interested in me...then that's just what it's going to take. because i can't have anyone tearing me down all of the time. that's no way to live.

NOT PREGNANT!!

2008-03-08T14:12:00.001-08:00

YAY!!

took two tests - one at home and then a digital one at work. crazy, but i needed to be sure that it wasn't a false negative as i was really, REALLY nauseous yesterday morning.

so all is good and i'm making a few changes to the way i live my life.

2008-03-04T05:21:00.000-08:00

my brother sent this to me and i love it.

2008-03-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

also wanted to note that i don't necessarily want a baby right now. someday. when i'm in a committed relationship or married and know that person will be there to help with the kid. every child needs a father. mine was piss poor at times and kind of fucked me up a little. but all in all he was there and i could have turned out much worse. for all of my whining here, i'm a rock for my friends. and i'm that foundation that everyone leans on to get through things. i don't mean any of this to brag, but i lend a certain friend money every off week between paydays because she is always short. she's the one whose baby i helped deliver. and by lend, i mean, i give her about $40 every other payday or so to help her get gas in her car. i listen to my friends cry all of the time about this boy or that - and sometimes cry with them. i've talked two friends through divorce. i've talked friends through deaths in their families. i've talked friends into being stronger and understanding how precious they are. i've talked friends through not feeling loved and forgiving those that have hurt them.

i've done all of this and then some - and it amazes me how weak i am in my own situations.

funny thing is, everyone thinks that i have it together. outward appearance is that i eat what i want when i want. i'm confident in every social situation. i'm the life of the party. and most of the time - i'm crying about something inside. it used to be for the hurt that i could feel in other people. but it's transferred to the fear that i feel inside of myself. i get things done because i have to. i stand up straight so that i don't cave into myself. but people don't see that.

they don't see the struggle.

and that's ok. they don't have to. but sometimes i just think about GOD and what i've been taught about him. and what i know to be true about him. and how people react to religion and i wonder why i struggle. i have a good life compared to a lot of people. but i've also been the girl that's had to sleep on an air mattress for 9 months until i got a bed. i've had to go without eating to pay my bills. i've had $5 in my pocket and wondered how the rent was going to be paid. those are the moments that i see god. know when i didn't see him? when 14 people in my family (including my best friend) died in one year. when my aunt just died of cancer. when my dad has cheated on my mom. when my mom has to work 2 jobs because my dad is stingy and won't pay his half of the bills. and that's just the things that i see in my own life. don't even get me started on the world at large because i have a few bones to pick with him on a few things.

and as much as he makes me angry and i want to not believe in him, sometimes he's just all i've got. and knowing that i have someone on my side makes life a little easier to handle. when people are crying to me and asking me why and when i'm on the phone listening to my best friend tell me that the doctors are only giving her a month to live but she's coming to graduation or when i'm forced to have sex with someone i don't want to or talked to inappropriately - there's this little ball of faith that says that everything will be ok.

so apparently i needed to get that out. i want to be "normal" so badly. and this is my chance. even if i'm not pregnant i think i'm going to talk to someone and figure out why i hurt so badly all the time. and why i feel other people's pain so deeply. it's time for the counselor to become the counselee.

you're probably letting out a sigh of relief on that one. it's about damn time right?

pregnancy...

2008-03-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

so i was going to write out this crazy blog entry about my weekend and whatever and how i've been freaked out about potentially being pregnant. but this is the low down.

i'm amazingly ok right now. i'm nauseous as a mofo. but i'm hanging in there. i haven't been short with anyone. and i haven't told anyone outside of one friend. she texted today and asked if i was ok. i am. a little stressed though, i said. she asked what it was about and i told her that my period was late. she asked if i was worrying about this all weekend and i let her know that i wasn't really worrying about it. but was extremely nauseous and sleeping alot. could be my period, but i've never had those symptoms before. i was really light headed last week too. and normal activities were just wiping me out. but i found it in myself to run this weekend twice. so that was good. i'm going again today. i have to clear my mind or i'm going to go crazy.

so these are my thoughts on being pregnant.

scenario 1:
i'm pregnant. i decide to move back to ga with my parents for a while until i find a job. my mom would help me out through her disappointment with me. i'd get the talk about being careful. but she'd be really excited about it all. that i moved home and that i was having a grandchild for her to love. she's sweet that way. at this point seri would have to travel to see the baby and that's a little stressful.

scenario 2:
i'm pregnant. i stay in chicago but move back out to the suburbs so that i'm closer to work. i save money and prepare for the baby's arrival. tell my parents and get the mom speech and dad disappointment. seri can see the baby when he wants. my mom can come stay for a while when the baby's born to help out. and i'll just stay at this job and save money.

scenario 3:
i'm pregnant. get rid of it. don't tell seri because i'd feel awful for killing his baby. and go through a great time of sucking it up and not being with him anymore i'm sure. you'd never know it, but i do well with great tragedies like death and life-altering accidents. emotional nothings ravage me. it's a curse.

note: the worst part about this whole thing is that he has a son already. his son is almost 9 and he's taken care of him alone (for the most part) by himself. since he was 20. it's mind-boggling to me. and i feel like i'd be making his life that much more difficult. i feel like if i am pregnant, it's my fault and i'll just suffer the consequences. i know that it takes two to tango and i don't even know if i'm pregnant for real. it's just a hunch. an unsupported hunch. but this is the realest hunch i've ever had.

so at this point, i'm thinking about how it would feel to have this baby on my own. how it would feel to know that i could have had a baby but i got rid of it. all of the people i know that would be so disappointed in me for doing this (having the baby OR having an abortion). i keep thinking about being a statistic. i always said i wouldn't be a statistic. i wouldn't be that unwed mother. the baby's mama. and i've put myself in that situation which was stupid of me.

oh well. those are the thoughts right now. the good thing, though, is that if i am pregnant. i'm going to get help. for the eating disorder. and also the craziness. there's always been this unreal quality to life. consequences aren't real until they happen. people don't do the crazy things that i've heard of them doing. i might have a personality disorder or something. something's wrong and i'd have to fix it. i wouldn't want to put a child through that.

so that's that. that's what i'm thinking right now. if i chose the abortion, i'd tell this one friend and that would be all. and i'd write about it here. but i couldn't stand to have people see me and know that i'd just done that. this definitely tops my list of the most irresponsible thing i've done.

and on a side note: i think we'd have beautiful babies together.

2008-02-29T14:51:00.000-08:00

i'm still a size 12 which is great. i'm loving it, as justin would say. i feel good and feel i look good for the most part. and haven't purged since the 16th. so that's good too. roomie being sick has kept me at bay on that one. the girl is always frickin home. good lawd!!

the boy is fine. i like him a lot. and that bothered me for a while obviously. but now i'm just settling in to it and enjoying the butterflies and crushing. strange, but true. we talked on the phone last night and...it was just...great. it's like being in high school again where you talk about nothing but everything. my last boyfriend made me crazy. he ran my life and turned shit around on me and made me feel like it was my fault. so i think that's why i was so OCD about him liking me and wanting to be with me because my last boyfriend, Matt, made me believe that he would be gone at a moment's notice all of the time. and he grabbed my fat a lot. it's just not cute to grab or poke someone's love handles or pinch the back of their arms. i was fine and happy until i dated him. not that he's the sole cause of the issues, but he definitely helped them along. him and my dad. joyous people to be around.

anyways - i like seri and he likes me. and things are good and calm. i like that about him too. i won't gush about him just yet.

this weekend is going to be a long relaxing one. i'm planning to rent some movies and drink some wine. maybe go running a time or two. cook a little bit. things i know i can eat guilt-free.

i finally bought a battery for my scale and i'm a little freaked out. i want to know what i weigh since i've lost inches. but i'm also afraid of what the scale is going to say. it's so triggering and consuming. i don't know if i really want to know. this could lead to a laxative binge for me. like last weekend when i felt huge for some reason. i only took 8 though instead of 12 like normal. like that was something to be proud of. i don't understand it myself and i live it on a regular basis.

in other news: i haven't gotten my period yet. and i should have gotten it on the 26th. it's just a couple of days late. and i really don't think i'm pregnant, but there is the possibility. so that's been a secret i've kept for a little while here. and being the "christian" heathen that i am, i don't know if i'd keep it if i were pregnant. scary but true. i hate that i'm so iffy like that. there's little room for that with most christian people (one of the reasons i've pulled away from the church so much) and it bothers me. we all make mistakes. blah. i can't get into the christian spiel right now.

hope all is well with everyone. catch you on the flip side.

2008-02-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

first things first...

1. I am now fitting into a size 12 comfortably. so that's fun. people at work keep asking me if i've lost weight and i thought i hadn't. so i kept saying no. but turns out that i have. so i'm going to not buy batteries for my scale for a little while longer. maybe that's helping me out. although i would love to know what i weigh right now.

2. the boy is driving me fricking crazy. i let him under my skin with the whole "let's lay in each other's arms after we have sex" thing. shit!! what was i thinking? now roomie is telling me that we're supposed to be together and live this amazing life and have tons of babies and the american dream. i'm not confident about that. i think that he's just like that after sex or thinks that's what i want. and i need to act like i know that. instead of acting like my friends know everything. man, it's annoying. then today i got jealous. i mean, really jealous. because i saw this big booty girl in his cube laughing and talking and having a good time. and i know that he loves a big titted, big bootied girl. so that bothered me just a smidge. and by "smidge" i mean "insanely". so i had to just sit in my cube and get myself together. "fight the crazy" i said. and so i did - and so i will from now on. i hate when my friends come to me for advice about a boy and all they want me to say is "i think he really likes you". i'm not delusional - he likes me, but it's not that serious. and i need to remember that when the romantics think they're helping.

3. i haven't started training yet for the half marathon, etc. i need to get to that already. at least start walk/running.

i think that's all i've got for today.

we all knew this would happen

2008-02-06T04:53:00.000-08:00

so i'm a crybaby. i admit it. and i'm a tad bit obsessive-compulsive. but the truth of the matter is that i'm fine for the most part. i have an eating disorder that i talk about on here constantly (cause i can't talk to anyone here). and i have issues with intimacy and trust. but i was doing good. then i had to go sleep with seri and turn into one of those girls that doesn't want to be needy, but really is. that doesn't want to show vulnerability but she's extremely vulnerable. i put up this fricking facade, that if you saw me on the street or with my friends, you'd never know what was going on. i'm so sensitive that i have to do that or i'd be a walking wound. and i can't have that. so today i'm deciding to get some shit done.

1. call the car company about fixing my car
2. fax insurance papers to the car place
3. finish filling out my applications for school
4. start my essays for school (to be finished this weekend)
5. get some serious work done at work (i'm starting to drown now)

this is the beginning of a new day. if i can't stop the world to get this stuff done. the world is going to have to hold on tight, cause it's not stopping me. at some point, you have to pull yourself up at the boot straps and get it done, right? so that's what i'm doing today.

marking shit off the list. thinking about how much i want seri a little less.

2008-02-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

...and so...i did it. i slept with seri. and it was good. really good. leg shaking good. so good in fact that my body felt awesomely light all throughout the next day. i told him not to feel like he had to stay afterward, but he did. he slept for a couple of hours and held me. usually, i don't really like that, but it was nice. and he insisted on it. i didn't ask or back into him or lay my head on his chest or anything. i was just laying there and he pulled me to him. being the hopeless romantic that i am, i try not to let those kind of shenanigans go on. usually, i'm on the other side of the bed from him or gone as soon as it's over. no attachments for me. but since it was at my house and he kept pulling me into him. i had no choice. i caved and nestled in. and it was...normal.

normal.

how crazy is that? i felt normal. for once in my life. my body didn't matter. my weight didn't matter. he liked the package even though i find it disgusting. he loved it. and i loved that he loved it. and i loved that he wanted to just lay naked, intertwined and just be.

comfortable.

it was nice. so now, i'm just kind of in that waiting place where i'm trying to figure out what i want to do now. i've been fighting the crazy of wanting to touch him constantly. (i love his body) i want him to want me. but i don't want to date him just yet. although i think we could be compatible. but i still don't trust him, even though i saw a softer side of him friday (before we started making out). but i love his body and want to touch it and adore it and worship it and do crazy sexy things to it all of the time.

so that's that. sex with seri was great.

2008-02-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

i don't know how much i weight. scale battery is low. and i've been bingeing - cause that's logical. and i haven't known when my roommate was going to be home so i couldn't purge.

i think roomie knows about the purging. i'm friends with her best friend and we talked last night. best friend and i. we'd talked about eating in the past like 4 yers ago as though the eating issues were in the past. but she asked me about it as though it weren't. and i said that i was "just fine". struggling to keep eating when stressed, but not throwing up. don't think she believed me, but whatever. drama.

seri has been on my mind lately. i like him. a lot. and roomie says she thinks he likes me a lot but can't commit right now. i still don't get it but have decided not to try. and also not to stress about whether he likes me just as much and just live in the moment. so moment-living has begun. i love hard and deep. even if it's just for a little while. and although i don't love him like that. i'm passionate about him. i want every single part of him. all the time. i want to touch every single part of his being and match it up with a part of me. and just leave that impression on him for a while. and i can do that when we're together. i can feel him. the real him. when we are together and it's great. not amazing like love is, but as great as it can be right now. we have this chemistry that just works. and though i'm scared that i'm romanticizing it and getting myself all worked up. for the moments that we are together i can open up and let him in a little more than i was doing. and when it's time to shut off, i'll just have to make that decision and deal with the consequences then. i can't go through life wondering about being hurt right?

everyone keeps saying that i've lost weight (at work). but i haven't and it sucks. maybe it's inches and i just can't tell. i don't know. clothes are a little looser but i don't know if that's weight or stretched out jeans and shirts. speculation sucks.

and i was told the other day *again* that i have things together. why do people do that? they think it's a compliment, but really, it makes me want to die. i can't top that. there's no where for me to go with that, but down. oh well, i need to learn to let things slide off of my back. but it's so hard.

anyways - i think that's all i've got right now. hope all is well with everyone.

2008-01-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

there's so much going on here lately. but the biggest thing i've been thinking about is sex and companionship. it's going to sound shallow since i've already talked most of this out. but i've been thinking lately about sex and having an eating disorder. well, i love having sex but it's never been the "great" thing that people have told me about. part of it is that my mind is always on something else. i've been reading wasted by marya hornbacher and she said that for her sex was all about the power of seduction. getting men into bed. making them love you, having sex with them, and then leaving them. i think that's part of my issue too. i've never felt completely and utterly loved. you know when you're in the beginning of a relationship and you feel like there's nothing this person could do to make you stop loveing them? i've never felt loved like that. in fact, my dad used to tell me that if i wasn't (insert annoying behavior here) then i could have anything i wanted from him. or he'd say he loved me even though i was a liar, thief, etc. things that all kids do from time to time and then you learn that they are not you, but are things you do and things that should not be done. i never learned to separate my actions from who i was and how much i was loved. so i think my "seduction" of men is more of a way for me to feel wanted and accepted. not so much loved (i'm not completely asinine). to feel that connection with someone for just a few minutes or hour feels like heaven and then there's the pain of coming back down into myself and noticing that i am now closer to rock bottom than i'd been before. i don't know. it's like having sex let's me release the pain that i'm feeling and all of the bullshit that's constantly going through my mind. then when it's all over i realize that i just gave a piece of myself away and i feel a little less than i did before. it's a blessing and curse in one. everyday i long to feel a little less than the day before. and everyday i feel like i feel too much. i feel too needy. too desperate. i think that's my problem with seri. he caught me at the worst time in my life. so much going on that i was emotionally raw and just desperate to connect and shut it down. i'm mostly glad that i haven't slept with him because my desperation might seep through my skin and smother him. and i don't want to pull anyone into this crazy life that i have.

i was talking to some friends about seri the other night and they said that i deserve better. a small part of me believes that. and that's the part of me that i recite to everyone that asks me about it. but the part of me that controls my actions and my heart says - you deserve worse because you're less than shit. what do you do with that? i don't know what to do with it. i don't know how to shut it off. i don't know how to feel ok when i wake up in the morning. i don't know how to think i'm pretty when i look in the mirror. i don't know how not to step on the scale every time i use the bathroom and a couple of times in between. funny thing is, i can't even make this work. people say i'm losing weight, but really, i weigh the same that i did last week and the week before. it's good times.

anyways - all that to say i was thinking about this connection of sex and emotion and eating and how i use sex to have that connection with people that i don't get on a regular basis because i suck. i'm stupid. so i was thinking - i'm not thinking completely clearly right now - thinking about the work i still have left to do - so i'm going to go now and write more on this later.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2008-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

New Year's was fun. We went to a bar where Irish, English, and Australian guys hang out. Always fun. They kept playing the same 5 songs over and over again - Johnny Cash and Marvin Gaye are the only ones i remember at this point. i do remember saying,"I love this song!" every time "Let's Get It On" came on. so fun. no new year's kiss, but good talks about boys with the roommate.

we talked about why seri and i aren't together and why it would be complicated (kid and living with the ex). and i think she was trying to make me feel better about the whole thing, but i don't think she's telling me the truth. i think (and i heard a radio program about it) that the way he treats me is what he wants from me. i was confused before and still am sometimes, but a little clearer than before - i find clarity comes in spurts for me. so what i'm thinking right now is that he just wants a booty call but doesn't want to risk telling me that for some reason. now that i type that, i feel stupid. my roomie told me that she thinks that he likes me but he feels like he can't be in a relationship right now becuase of the kid and him and his ex being on-again, off-again. i don't know. i think that's the girl rationale and not necessarily the truth. it throws me off that he talks to me at my cube still - about nothing i might add - but then calls me at 2 expecting to come over and sleep with me. when we started this thing, i just wanted to sleep with him and move on. but then somehow i was told that i was emotionally unavailable and i let him in. now i'm in "i like you" purgatory which is worse to me than just liking each other and not being able to make it work. because i have no ties to him at all. if he talks to someone else or gets someone's number or something, i don't have the right to say anything to him about it. that sucks on a regular basis. so roomie thinks that he's showing me he likes me by coming by the cube while i'm at work, but keeping his distance. i think i'm being stupid. i called him on new year's. he didn't answer. but he did come by my cube on the 2nd when we got back to work. if he really liked me, wouldn't he have called me on the 1st? or texted or something? i don't know. i don't feel like he really likes me. just wants to sleep with me and move it along. so i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know what i should do.

last night, i ended up purging some buffalo chicken nuggets. my face was soooo swollen. more swollen than it's ever been. my saliva glands were swollen too, but i've dealt with that before. so i've been looking it up today on the internet to see if there's something that i can do for it. i just put water on my face. that's why i never purge in public. my face swells and takes forever to come down (unless i've been drinking). so i don't know what to do about that. every site i've been to says that it's a symptom of bulimia, but doesn't say if it's a mineral deficiency or whatever. while looking on different sites I came across one that had the play Dying to be Thin and one section really spoke to me.

“I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know…I mean…is this me? This me that’s talking to you right now? I would never do that. I mean – I’m sane – intelligent…and I have this great life… and I would never waste my time doing that. It seems like this other thing possesses me, out of the blue – and I end up doing it – and this me (the sane, intelligent one) gets smaller and smaller until it almost goes away. But it never actually does. There’s always a little part of it left, right back here. And if I look at the world outside, it’s like there’s this thick glass or haze separating me from it. Or if I look at people around me, they seem really really far off, like in another space. And while I eat, this tiny part of me watches, and sometimes tries to make me stop, but it’s way too small so I just block it out. That way I can finish eating and throw up. Throwing up is the only route back to this me.”

that's how i feel after every purge. that this me that's sane and intelligent just goes right out the window. she's replaced immediately after eating with this irrational, panicked me that needs to not gain weight. and after i eat i get bigger and bigger and bigger. irrationally huge. that is, until i get rid of it. then i feel more normal. but a little less normal each time. that sane, intelligent part of me shrinks a little more with each purge. exercise is the last thing that i can be addicted to. that's why i try not to give in. after i give in to that, there's no coming back. what if i get addicted and get to the point where people see me and thiink i have an eating disorder. i don't want to be that person.

a new day...

2007-12-17T04:22:00.000-08:00

i didn't purge this weekend which is great. i am soo proud of myself. i wanted to so badly but i didn't. instead, i got up at a decent hour and spent time outside even though it was snowing like crazy and my hair looked like shit. good times.

friday i declined going dancing with friends due in part to intimidation (a guy i have a crush on was going and he is a great dancer and i had a bad feeling). everytime i have a semi-bad to bad feeling about going somewhere or doing something, my life starts to break down and something bad happens. so i've decided not to let people guilt me into anything that i don't really want to do. i wanted to see him but wasn't wanting to get another ticket or have another car accident. it seriously happens all the time. and if somebody told me that, i'd think, well stop driving like an idiot, but it's never just my being wreckless although it happens. so anyways i went to a lame party where i didn't really know anyone and then went home and crashed. but was awakened by various texts of the dancer wanting to know where i was and why i wasn't there or coming at all for that matter. so that made me feel good. texted with him the day after - all day. so that was great too. i don't think he likes me, but it's nice to have a crush.

that reminds me...friday at breakfast seri came up to me and struck up a convo. it was pleasant and not boring, but i don't understand him at all. asking me what my plans are and why i didn't invite him to my friend's christmas party. i was nice. just said - well you're the one that needs notice remember? and i just found out about it. (he needs notice cause he has a son and he says he has to get a babysitter, but i think he lives with his ex so she is all the babysitter he needs - and sex too i think - which is a whole 'nother post). then he tells me that he's going to be close to my apt next weekend. which means - i'm not going to invite you to go dancing with me at a spot close to your apartment but i'll stop by to get laid afterwards.) so we'll see how that goes. :-)

oh boys...they're all the rage until you can't read them...i think i have control issues.

i straightened my hair last night instead of cleaning the living room like i'd wanted. sometimes you just need a new hair do. it came out alright even though i've kind of forgotten how to do it. i've been letting it do it's curly 'fro thing for a little bit now and just don't have the finesse that i used to with it. so i'm kind of nervous for everyone to come in and see it. it's always this big deal. which is fine sometimes but most of the time, i just want to fade into the background. i don't really like attention unless i've drawn it to myself and am just in that mood. plus, my period is about to start and i'm a tad bit bloated. so that's on my mind right now too. whatever. i need to learn not to let food rule me and my moods. it's just so hard.

anyways - today's going to be a good day i think. i have my tall, no water, soy chai latte from starbucks, i have a head start on my day since i'm here super early posting, and i'm just deciding that i'm ok today. when you have that kind of attitude, no one can pull you down from your cloud, right? right.

2007-12-14T05:42:00.000-08:00

have you ever had so much to do that you just wanted the world to stop? that's where i am right now. i'm tired of complaining and whining. i just want something to just be finished and fine so i don't have to worry about it anymore. i'm trying not to make a list to cross off. but it's coming to that i think.

weight is still around 169 or so. still can't find those damn laxatives and just don't want to buy anymore because - really - i know how bad they are for me. i understand that. and i think i'm getting a bladder infection from all of the ephedrine i've been taking without drinking a lot of water. in light of that, there will be no pills today. just water and cranberry juice and some sort of food. without stress i might add.

i need to figure out how much money i'll need for school and decide when i'm going back. i need to go soon. not getting any younger and also not really seeing an end to this work situation. i don't think it's going to get better. i think it's just going to get worse and worse for me. i like what i do and most of the people i do it with, but there are a couple that leave me scratching my head on a regular basis.

i need to find out what's going on with my car insurance and getting my car fixed from the accident i had. so around 9 am i'm going to be doing some phoning of businesses to figure out what needs to be done and how so i can get some things taken care of. i'm tired of feeling like my life is out of control. it's really starting to freak me out. and although i might be kind of whiny here, i don't whine like that in real generally. i'm very much a pick myself up, dust myself off, and move it on along kind of person.

oh and i dropped seri. kind of. i told him that he could come over whenever but that i wasn't going to ask him anymore because it was annoying. annoying me and maybe him. well, i know that he most likely won't call until he's horny one night at like 2 in the morning. but i've taken his number completely out of my phone so that i can't contact him. i've done it before, but this time i mean it. i'm finally at the point that although i like seeing him around work and talking to him, i don't feel like i'm going to call him or that i'm going to go crazy if i can't text him. last time i took his number out of my phone, i immediately regretted it. this time i'm happy and oh so ready to move on or really, just focus on getting my ass back in school. so that's that. right now i'm working on getting my mind right to not be a booty call when he calls. so that's something.

i think that's all i've got right now.

2007-12-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

so this weekend has been interesting.

Friday: i was conned into going to a holiday party. it was soooo ridiculous. there were girls dancing on girls and trying to pull everyone into it. i had to give them my line "black girls don't do that." we'll do some freaky shit, but most of us don't dance up on other girls. since there were not many desirable people i ended up on the couch with the best guy there. why i always end up doing some deviant shit at parties is beyond me. so of course everyone comes and sits near us as i start stroking his crotch under the pillow. fun but seriously annoying that i do shit like that. if i could have gotten a little action from him, i probably would have at that point. so i'm glad there was no opportunity for that.

that night on the way home dropping off my drunk 'mo friend, i got pulled over by a cop for running a red light. well, that's bull because the light was yellow. this is chicago, that's legal. so he asked how much i'd had to drink and i said like 2. he said that everyone says that and he could smell alcohol in the car so it must have been more than that. well, i've got a drunk ass passenger in the car - that's probably the alcohol you smell. whatever. then i couldn't find my insurance card because i suck. so i got a ticket for running the imaginary red light and for driving an uninsured car. well - then this f-er tells me to get out of the car for his "curoiosity" and do a sobriety test. i passed with flying colors and then was sent on my way. i had to ask whether or not i was getting my license back - nope. i can get in court, he says. drama. i was and am still so pissed about it. i was nice the whole time. he was being a prick. even drunk mo said that he was being a cunt. i never dispute tickets i feel i deserve and i was respectful the whole time. oh well. looks like i'm going to court.

Saturday: stayed home all day. couldn't find laxatives and was panicked. then remembered that i had fingers and that calmed me down. as much as i hate purging, it's an escape sometimes. so being the fatty that i am, i call and order thai food for dinner. 30 minutes later, an order of crab rangoon (which were free), mini eggrolls, 3 entrees of spicy basil chicken, panang curried chicken, and pepper and garlic steak and i was ready to eat myself into oblivion - i thought. my binge turned into an appetizer frenzy. i ate that and purged. then ate some pepper steak and rice and purged that. it was awful. i had to scream it out almost. yeah - i won't be doing that again.

Sunday: i was all bloated from the night before. i went to work for a little while with a friend and ended up going with her to her aunt's house to hang out for a little bit.

Today: i woke up late and still got to work earlier than i usually do. i feel all bloated and gross today too. and who was the first person i saw today? seri. i texted him this weekend and said that i wasn't going to ask him to come over anymore. i gave him my address and told him to keep it (he has a gps system) and call before he comes over - whenever that might be. who knows if it will happen. i told him i'm getting on my own nerves asking him to come over. i know it's getting on his. so whatever. i guess coming by was his way of being friendly after that. i think he thinks i'm crazy but really, he pisses me off on a regular basis. and we're not even dating. it's good times.

anyways besides being an ugly day, today has been good. i almost had a mini breakdown though. i called my best friend and told her that i don't want to do this anymore. meaning work here anymore. i think it was hormones since my period is supposed to start next week, but you know, i can't ever tell. everything just seems to get so hard sometimes and i just want the world to stop so i can work on it and get it right. but i don't have that luxury. so i'm thinking that i'm going back to school for real. i've been talking about it for a long time. i asked her if she thought all of this crap that i feel is fleeting and just hormonal and she said that she thought that i wasn't being ridiculous. she knows me the best out of everyone i've ever known besides my family. so it felt good to get it all out.

anywho - i'm done now. longest post ever is ready to stop. i think i'm going to leave early now. YAY!!

168.0

2007-12-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

i texted seri against my best thoughts. i suck basically. but whatever. i told a friend of mine that i was done with him and the drama that is "not us" and she said, "you've said that before." it's true. i think this is what desperate looks and feels like. i only want to sleep with him because i need closure i think. how ridiculous is that? this is what crazy looks like people. right here - step on up to the glass. i won't bite. no good can come from my sleeping with him, but that's what i want and unless he protests - that's what i'll end up getting.

eating has been a bitch here lately too. i'm becoming psychotic and not ok with eating certain things. it's like some weird internal list of foods that are and are not ok. last night we went to a mexican restaurant and ordered drinks and appetizers. i had a taste of this and that but mostly chips and salsa. i had some chicken flautas, chicken quesadillas, guacamole, half a crab cake, a mojito, and a taste of margarita with a glass of water. then promptly went into the bathroom to purge what i could in a "normal" amount of bathroom time which wasn't much. then i had to wait for my face to lose some puffiness and redness. i hate that my eyes stay so glossy for so long afterwards. blah - hazards of the purge, i guess. it was on my mind the whole drive home, so i purged as soon as i got home too. never done that before. it was a whole hour later and i still got stuff up. so i purged as hard as i could at that point and gargled with listerine like that helps anything. so that was that.

today was when i noticed that i had an eating list. as i was walking around the cafe downstairs at work, i noticed that i was snubbing food as to whether or not it was acceptable and weighing the purge option. so weird to be outside of yourself like that. i kept hearing myself say, i could eat that, but i'd have to purge it. " "if i ate that, i'd have to purge at least half of it - i couldn't keep all of that down or i'd be a fat ass." crazy. i don't want to become that person. next thing you know, i'll be eating vegetables and running 20 miles a week. people always ask why i dont work out. not because i don't want to, but because i know i'd become addicted and be the person that has to outrun, out elliptical, outdo basically everyone else or i was a failure. and the way that i become addicted to things - i know it's just a matter of time before that become an obsession. and really, if i didn't see the scale move, it'd push me further into the ed. i'm already trying not to go home and take laxatives. it's consuming my mind. that's what i planned for tonight. this weekend really. laxatives and cleaning. basically cleaning out my body, room, and life. that's what purging is all about right?

i realized today - well maybe yesterday, that i've been skipping lunch and dinner too. funny how i know what i'm doing because, hello, i live in my body - i live this life, but at the same time i have random realizations about things i'm doing like i wasn't there. so anyways - it was yesterday that i realized that i hadn't been eating at lunch lately because i had lunch and freaked the hell out. i kept putting off taking the ephedrine i bought and then decided that i didn't need it. whatever. my stomach was begging for all of the food it could handle. i was ravenous. so after lunch i went and purged some water in the bathroom. i let it go with the water. i don't want to be the girl that purges at work. and although i felt like a fat ass the rest of the day, somehow the water purge helped calm the drama in my head.

well, i think that's all i've got for tonight. i'm trying to get down to 165 this weekend. i know it will all be water weight, but if i can get there with the laxies, then i can stay there with the ephedrine. i just want to be 150 and tone up. that's all. then i can end my psychosis and just be a normal person. i know that everyone says that, but i mean it.

alright - i think that's enough for tonight. i'm heading out.

2007-12-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

couldn't sleep last night until about 3 in the morning so i was late to work this morning. always a fun thing to do. but i look cute regardless so that's something. i think it's from all of the stress and ephedrine i've been taking lately.

seri has come up the past two days to see me. probably cause i haven't been texting and all up on his jock as usual. i'm tired of the shit really. i don't even have the energy to text him anymore. it's too much drama for someone that i haven't slept with or really even talked to on the phone at all. he even came into the coffee area because i'd stepped away from my desk to tell me that he wants to set up some time with me. whatever. i'm still really attracted to him but it's annoying as hell to have to wait for him to be available. that's another reason why i think he's still dating that girl he was seeing before. he keeps telling me it's not true but i don't believe him. men that are pursuing you make a point to find out when you're available and want to be with you. he's content to be without me unless he thinks i'm going to sleep with him. i guess it's good that i realize that, but sometimes i wish i didn't.

anywho...it snowed last night. almost 6 inches. gets me in the holiday spirit. i love christmas and hadn't really gotten a chance to get into it yet. but i'm starting to get there. ever so slowly. i just love the buzz and the excitement that people have during this time of year. everything's so exciting. the music is nostalgic and people just realize that they're not the only ones here. that we're all connected somehow. it's so great.

2007-12-03T05:12:00.001-08:00

i thought i was ok. i mean, really ok - almost surprisingly ok. then it hit me and i wasn't. when i was leaving my parents' house the other day on my way back to chicago i cried. i cried most of the way home. then i went to the funeral - a friend helped me drive - and i cried but was ok. but last night i was not ok. not ok at all. i texted a friend that knows about the eating and said that i just want to throw up until the tears stop. it's really annoying crying so much. feeling like a piece of you is dying is not fun either. i hate feeling things so deeply. it sucks. why can't i feel it the day of the funeral and then let it go? seriously.

the drama from the other day was that a friend of mine from work was fired. this place is fricking crazy. so many people with so many different objectives, you know? i know that shady people are everywhere, but it's just annoying to think that you have to be continuously watching for that knife in your back or you won't make it. so ridiculous. the things surrounding her being fired are just soo stupid and juvenile. i need to get out of here as soon as possible. it's getting to the point where i feel like i'm drowning in everything that i have to do here lately. I hate it.

other than that, i'm fine. not freaking out about weight even though there's been some gain. not freaking out about seri although he hasn't texted me back from the other day. i'm just tired and i have so much to do. so i'm going to pull myself together and hit the work like i don't have anything else to do. life will carry on right?

in funnier news, i'm pretty sure that i got caught in the rain walking to my car yesterday while wearing a white tshirt. i had a tanktop underneath it, but i'm pretty sure i got a couple of "what the frick" looks from the gays on the corner. good times...

2007-11-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

drove back to chicago from ga yesterday. pretty sure it was one of the worst drives i've had in a long time. i cried through most of georgia and tennessee. it sucked. it just hit me the night before last at my parents' house that she really is gone you know. i couldn't control it. so sad and lame. i texted seri while i was gone to have him come over when i got back into town for some self-medicating. but i couldn't bring myself to do it last night. too tired and emotionally fragile. if i was ever going to fall in love or attachment with him, it'd be now. so i decided to let it ride out for a while until i'm a little stronger. if not, i'll treat him like a boyfriend and that is not the way i want it to be. so that's that.

well, got tons more to say but i think i'm going to pack it up and go home now. drama i tell you. drama.

things...

2007-11-24T23:29:00.000-08:00

- don't know how much i weigh right now which is bothering the hell out of me
- my aunt died on my way home from chicago so we came up to philly anyways - but now the funeral's on thursday and i can't decide if i want to come back for it or not
- saw my cousin tonight that's HIV+ - she's in the hospital for pneumonia right now so it was hard seeing her like that. she's lost so much weight and has no teeth because they were making her sick. she looks so old too. and you could feel her pain outside of her door. you could feel her pain. god it was thick. definitely cried and told her that i loved her and would pick her up and take her to my mom's house in GA when she got better to spend a few days. these are the times when i wonder what the hell God is up to. it just seems so wrong you know? her sons are so handsome and wear their hearts on their sleeves.
- decided to just fuck seri and be done with the drama. not because he wants me to but because i want to. partially makes me a ho because i'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend but whatever. tired of looking out for everybody but me...tired, man.
- trying to decide if i'm going to hit one of my cousins up for a plane ticket to come back for the funeral. i feel like i should be here even though i don't want to. god i don't want to see her like that. i want to remember her the way that she was. full of life and getting on my nerves you know? she was like my 17th mother. with this many strong women in a family, it tends to be that way. and she was so strong. so it's hard to see her weakened by cancer one final time you know?

i think tha'ts all i got. we're leaving soon so i'm going to go lay down so i can drive us home. hope all is good with everybody. going to bed.

2007-11-24T23:17:00.000-08:00

Wasn't going to admit this - but i gotta. cause i'm still surprised at myself. apparently i'm more of a freak than i thought i was. when i brought the aussie back to my street, he kept trying to get me to let him come up. that wasn't happening cause i left my keys with my roomate and didn't want to face her when i brought him up. so i decided to just talk and make out with him outside. let me tell you - that was something else. pretty sure i got a little boob action ("how big are they? double d? good for you. i didn't know they were that big"), sweet nothings ("i wish i'd met you 15 months ago before i met my fiance....you're beautiful") and fingered on the street. that's right - you read it right. he said he wanted to taste my "sweet black pussy" and before i knew it - my drunk ass was pinned up against a gate on the sidewalk with a man i'd just met getting some finger action. good times...

guess i just needed to confess... :-)

2007-11-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

at the risk of sounding weird and crazy i texted seri yesterday to ask if he was ok. i woke up from my mid morning nap crazy worried about him. like nauseous and what not. i didn't even dream about him was the weird thing. so i told him it was weird and i knew it. but couldn't shake it. if he wasn't fine, there was nothing i could about it, i guess. but since he said he was, it made me feel better although the feeling lingered until late that night. there's something going on with him. I've always felt that way. ever since i met him. but, oh well, that's his issue. he's not an honest individual so he wouldn't have told me even if something was wrong. him and his vague answers to everything. i wouldn't ask him so many questions if i thought he was being truthful about things. whatever. so i decided this morning that enough was enough with him. i took his number and texts out of my phone and i'm just going to live and let live at this point. it's not even about yesterday. it's about him propositioning me all of the time and if i can't make it or don't want to do anything, he's pissed and doesn't talk to me for a few days. but when i do have time or want to see him, he doesn't respond. not even to say that he can't make it. well, that's a lie, kinda. he'll sometimes respond and say that he's on his way and then he won't come. then keep texting me to see if i'm up still or if i'm waiting still. it's annoying and childish. like i'm always supposed to be on his schedule. well, fuck that. i have enough things keeping me occupied than worrrying about his trifling ass. i know, i know. that sounds pretty angry - i do like him as a person. but this persona he puts up drives me crazy.

in other news. i've still been losing weight. so that's good. taking some diet pills and drinking coffee (apparently they work better mixed with caffeine) and trying to get back in shape. i've kind of let myself go. so that's a little frustrating. but i'm on my way back kids. and this time it's for me. i'm running low on the pills though and that's a little scary, but i'm good right now.

alright, i better get back to work. that's the reason i drove out here. 6 day work weeks suck ass. oh well. life goes on.

2007-11-14T17:39:00.001-08:00

ok so there's this guy that i've been KIND OF talking to and i thought i'd start blogging about him. if you don't know the back story you'll think i'm stupid. if you do, you'll find it amusing. so here goes the boy report:

THE boy will from now on be called Seri because I think anonymity is good and also it's short for "Seriously?!"

seri came by this afternoon. i was talking to red as usual and he thought it'd be cute to stop by. i haven't really "talked" to him since the argument we had a couple of weeks ago. so it was a little surprising that he stopped by. he walks in my cube, looks me up and down while we're talking and winks at me like we're having some double entendre conversation that red (girl i work with) isn't privy to. then he leaves. i'm mildly annoyed that he does that. if you want a relationship, then fine. come up to my desk at work and talk about nothing at all. but if you want to just make out, then i don't need meaningless conversation at work. it just sparks rumors and nosiness from people that i don't want in my business. we've talked about this before and seri said he had "no preconceived notions" whether this was a "friendship" or a relationship. well, i have notions about this setup. CHOOSE. relationship or no? cause it's annoying when you ask what i did during the weekend and then raise your eyebrows when i say i went out. if it's not a relationship, then you don't get to be jealous and i don't have to waste my time trying to make you happy. oh well. this is why women are crazy. boys like seri with their "no preconceived notions" talk and then treating you like you're somewhere between a whore and a wife.

good times kids...

The beginning...again

2007-11-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

i had one of these before and well, i erased it. i know it's stupid, but i was hoping that i was done with it all. all of the complaining and feeling badly about myself. all of the eating issues and sexual abandonment issues. they're not as bad as others...not enough to have me locked down and evaluated, but god, it's tough sometimes. like today. i feel ok sitting down, but once i start moving around here at work and seeing my reflection in all of the conference room windows, it's going to be bad. i know because it's an everyday occurence. i start the day feeling good and then on comes my work sweater. it's my security blanket. yeah, it's cold in here sometimes. but not so much so that i need to wear it every day like a uniform. or better yet, a coat of armor. but i do and that's the reality of it.

today i'm not going to complain about how huge i feel or how much i suck at eating normally. although i do on both accounts. i'm just going to say that today i am 169.5 and am praying that the ephedrine and coffee i've ingested will bring that number down a little more. i just want to be smaller. i want to be pretty. it's not about control, it's about perfection. not messing up. not making stupid mistakes all of the time. i get so tired of being the fat, dumb girl in the group. ok so i said i wasn't going to go there today right?

i think the trigger this time was the food diary. when two fit girls ask you to do a food diary with them so you can lose weight, don't do it. one is a perky runner who eats extremely healthy. to the point that you want to hit her when she complains about being fat. and the other is a maternal lebanese girl who feels it's her duty to make sure that you understand exactly where you're going wrong in all areas of your life and propose unwanted ways of fixing things that you're fine with or don't have the strength or energy to change right now.

i shouldn't have done the food diary. i should have said no and kept my life to myself but i did. because i'm a people pleaser. and now i'm stuck in what is about to be a lie. i'm going to tell them that i ate more than i did yesterday so i can get out of the hotseat on that. i had coffee, ephedrine and two nekot crackers. that's a whopping total of about 115 calories. and i'm proud. i am. i hate to admit it. but i am. i want this so badly. i want 150 so badly. i can almost taste it. today i want to do the same as yesterday - or better. i want to forego the food and taste the strength that comes with not eating. the strength that comes with resisting a grumbling stomach. this is my chance.

to be me. a prettier version of me. a more together version of me. a version of me that i've never known. a version of me that's not breaking inside. no matter how happy i am, i'm always breaking inside and it sucks. if you've never been there, then you don't understand. i carry everyone's pain. i carry everyone's guilt. i carry everyone's expectations and just can't let go. it's so much sometimes. my god. here i go again complaining.

anyways...i'm back and hopefully won't be depressing every time i appear now. hopefully. i need this...no expectations, no weight, no food, just me. all of me. every ugly little piece of me.